Help dealing with being a closet-bisexual

[Dragon88]

I've been bisexual the last 5 years or so, but I've never told anyone about it. What I've heard from my friends, being bisexual is frowned upon and is a lot less accepted than being totally gay. This makes it even more difficult, since I'm scared that telling my friends will drive them away from me...

I have a need to be 100% honest with my best friend, but it's still two things that I've never told him. That I'm bisexual and that I'm in love with him. I'm not sure, but I experience him as a bit homophobic, so I feel that he will push me away if I tell him. And then he will also ask why I'm telling him this, and so I'm afraid he will discover that I love him as more than a friend.

Also, my friend is deeply religious and I've lately been influenced by him and started believing more in the Christian faith. My recently change in faith have made some problems, though, since I feel I cannot be a good Christian if I'm bisexual, have sex outside of marriage, masturbate and so on.

But to make it short. I want to tell my friend that I'm bisexual, but what will he think of me as a friend and as a Christian? It's just getting harder and harder to keep this secret and I'm starting to have a problem actually being myself. Can I really be bisexual and a goodChristian at the same time?

 

[visceraltuning]

Most straight people do not feel the need to say who they check out or say who they had sex with as a matter of public record. They also do not need to feel guilty for who they have sex with. In fact, telling other people who they fucked is consider inappropriate except if talking to a very good friend. I say that it should be the same for people of other orientations. Sharing with close friends is fine because obviously you want your close friends to know you but it does not have to part of your public profile or something that you tell your mother.

The only time I feel that "coming out of the closet" is necessary is if one has found a life partner and wants to share that with other people. Of course, that should not be hidden anyway because declaring that relationship publicly (ie marriage) is telling other potential partners that one is off the market.

As a guy who knows the Christian faith quite well, I can say that christians do masturbate but only some christians feel guilty about it, and I don't think anybody should so long as it is done in privacy or with an intimate partner. Nobody should feel guilty for what they do to themselves by themselves if no harm is caused to themselves or others.

Many christians muddle things by not making a distinction between "sex before marriage" and "cheating on a spouse". I think they are different. I think sex before marriage is a personal decision between consenting adults. I think that cheating on a spouse by having sex with other people is wrong.

 

[D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead]

I agree that it's harder being bi than gay. Lots of gay and straight people are unsettled by someone who is attracted to and attractive to both sexes ... and will act on it ... or will be at least open to the feelings of attraction.

And yes, I think you can be a good Christian and a good bisexual at the same time. We all have challenges. Too many straight Christians make same-sex behavior a make-or-break item. If you study what Christ taught, the two big teachings are:
1) Love God with all you got
2) Love everyone around you with an equal fervor to the sanctity that you put on your own skin
Then, he talked a LOT about helping the poor, and a whole lot less about everything else.

In my Episcopal church, gay people can be religious leaders. To me, Christianity is about a radical new way of experiencing God's love. Too bad many other Christians think it's all about following the rules or dying. Fuck, THAT'S not liberating.

I could go on and on, but these are definitly things I feel passionate about ...

 

[Aileana]

A lot of people are going to tell you that there's not need to tell anyone unless you're pursuing a gay relationship. I disagree with that, and quite heartily. I'm not entirely in the closet, but none of my family know that I'm bisexual, and I know what you mean about wanting to tell your best friend. The only advice I can really give you is that honesty is the best policy. It's not going to get any easier, and suppressing your feelings isn't really healthy.

As far as being a Christian goes...I'm little, if any, help. I was raised in a strict Baptist family that has told me more than once that I'm not a good Christian simply for befriending anyone who was gay....heaven help me if I ever come out to them. I personally have a very hard time with organised religion, but I do believe in God. What you believe is up to you, and the only person that can judge you is God.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Dragon88..

Being a BI isn't easy, as you have already discovered. We don't have the support
nor the new found acceptance that Gays are now enjoying, and unfortunately I am
not sure that BIs will be able to enjoy the same for some time to come. Just think
how long this new found acceptance has been in the works for Gays. And even now
it is still not completely acceptable by all.

Here on this forum I am out as a BI, and for the first time I am enjoying being a part
of a group of people whom the majority are non-judgmental and whom accept me as I
am....warts and all. I am grateful to them and it has been a real catharsis for me.

There're very few outside of this forum whom know my orientation, or whom would
understand or accept it should they know. So, I keep quiet about it. Although my
friends are mostly Straight, I also have a few Gay and BI friends. Only a few of my straight friends know that my other friends are Gay or Bi even though we socialize
together all the time (baseball, basketball, football games, gym, ski, hiking, camping,
etc). Most think we are ALL straight.....:wink:...and I don't see any reason to let
them in on the secret....:smile:

I live an outwardly straight life in a straight work-a-day world and don't see that it will
change anytime soon. I have been married and have 2 sons, but I am now divorced.
I have a long time partner (male) that is unknown to this day by most of my friends,
and I have no reason to tell this secret either.

I know that you want to be straight (pardon the pun) with all your friends, but WHY!
Are there reasons why you should need to share something with them that could cause you to lose their friendship. I know that many will say that if that would cause the loss
of their friendship, then it isn't a true friendship....but, there are somethings that really
should be kept private. If you value their friendship....keep quiet. When the time comes that being a Bi becomes more acceptable, then by all means do it. But, in the
meantime....keep it to yourself. Keep your friends and enjoy them, for without them
I'm sure you would be even more unhappy.

Regarding your "best friend"....if you are that close do you think that he might suspect
that you are Gay? I am sure he probably wouldn't even think about BI! Has he ever
mentioned his religious feelings, maybe in a way to be "telling" you something...maybe
that he has an intuition? Have you had deep and long conversations about the "evils"
of same sex relations, masturbation, etc.? Does he feel the same way about premarital
sex? It seem strange that in Scandinavia there would be any hangups about sex. I
don't mean that as bad, since I belive (or have been led to understand) that there is
more sexual freedom there, which I think is a very good thing.

If he's so against it all, do you really want to take the chance and possibly jeoprodize your friendship? I think you know that he is possibly wrong for you, and that your
friendship is more important at this time. Who knows, maybe things will change
someday, but I doubt it. Just keep the friendship and keep your secret love for him in
your heart.

You don't say how old you are, but if you are a student and have thought you were BI
for 5 years, then you are still young. I believe absolutely that we are born with our
sexual orientation and what we are cannot be changed. I also don't believe that you
can "learn, be influenced, or be converted" to being Gay, or to change from Gay to BI,
or be changed from being Gay to being straight. What you are is what you are, but
if you are BI, remember you can have stronger feeling for either sex at different times.
At those times your sexuality is dictated by your heart and groin....:wink:...and you
have very little say or control of the matter. :smile:

You don't say if you are already a Christian, but have just not been a practicing one.
I am an Eastern Orthodox Christian and I don't believe that I am a lesser one just
because I was born BI and had no choice in my identity. I cannot believe that my love
for another human, no matter the sex, can be a bad or un-Christian thing. Our body,
heart, emotions, feelings and desires were a gift to us from the Creater and I truly
believe it was man whom has created all the sexual taboos that we today use as our
"guides." Regarding masturbation, as any good doctor will tell you, it is healthy for man and will help keep the prostate healthy. That I have been told by numerous doctors.
So I do not think it bad when I do it.

So, for me, you can be a good Christian and be BI, and masturbate too. But, only you can make that determination, no one else.

Good luck, and if you like I would be happy to PM with you.

Silver

 

[B_Hung Jon]

I've been bisexual the last 5 years or so, but I've never told anyone about it. What I've heard from my friends, being bisexual is frowned upon and is a lot less accepted than being totally gay. This makes it even more difficult, since I'm scared that telling my friends will drive them away from me...

I have a need to be 100% honest with my best friend, but it's still two things that I've never told him. That I'm bisexual and that I'm in love with him. I'm not sure, but I experience him as a bit homophobic, so I feel that he will push me away if I tell him. And then he will also ask why I'm telling him this, and so I'm afraid he will discover that I love him as more than a friend.

Also, my friend is deeply religious and I've lately been influenced by him and started believing more in the Christian faith. My recently change in faith have made some problems, though, since I feel I cannot be a good Christian if I'm bisexual, have sex outside of marriage, masturbate and so on.

But to make it short. I want to tell my friend that I'm bisexual, but what will he think of me as a friend and as a Christian? It's just getting harder and harder to keep this secret and I'm starting to have a problem actually being myself. Can I really be bisexual and a goodChristian at the same time?

This website is one of the best I've seen about bisexuality and the people are genuine and open. You can ask any questions you want, and people are honest and helpful. Check it out if you want.

Bisexual and Bicurious men, Chat, Forums, Advice and Free Personals

 

[killerb]

Having been in your best friend's position, I would encourage you to tell him the truth. If he's a true friend, he will appreciate your honesty above anything else. You may not want to start out with telling him that you're in love with him, but once you reveal your true self to him, you'll have a better idea of when (or IF) to drop that bomb...

I once had a friend who I suspected was gay (or at least bi) and he denied it several times when I asked him about it...after knowing him for a few years, one day he finally admitted his true feelings and at the time I was VERY angry and had a terrible reaction, which ended with me telling him to lose my number & forget he ever met me. It wasn't because he was gay & in love with me, but because he had been so deceptive all that time...

However, after a few years went by, I matured a little and I apologized to him...now we are back to being friends again.

I said all that to say, just be honest with your friend, but above all else, be honest with yourself. I have another friend who is still in the closet to the point that he's gotten himself a girlfriend and is planning to marry her...meanwhile he's been cheating on her the whole time with another guy...he is headed for a life of misery because he can't be honest with himself or his family...

We're heading into a new year...go into it refusing to hide yourself from those who are supposed to care for you the most.

 

[D_skeaflea]

I feel I cannot be a good Christian if I'm bisexual

[...]his love for Jonathan "passes the love of women."[45] Furthermore, social customs in the ancient Mediterranean basin, did not preclude extramarital homoerotic relationships. The Epic of Gilgamesh, which predates the Books of Samuel, depicts a remarkably similar homoerotic relationship between Gilgamesh and Enkidu.

David and Jonathan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[silvertriumph2]

There is an ancient bonding service of same sex known as "Adelphopoiesis". It
is still practiced in some places today, although it is no longer widely known since
western proclivities have pushed it somewhat "in the closet."

http://www.eskimo.com/~nickz/adelphop.txt

http://www.eskimo.com/~nickz/qrd-eastern_orthodox/Church.of.Greece.on.adelphopoiia