Help: Getting over a someone???

[B_GoldenGoddess]

Basically I've been trying to get over this guy for some time(hes not making it any easier) I was wondering if anyone has any helpfull advice on how to get over someone you fell in love with?

I don't know he was kinda like the first guy I fell in love with and all these feelings and pain are so weird and new to me, just makes me feel really bad about myself, honeslty im kinda desperate to try anything I just want the pain and tears to go away

please help, advice is appreciated

Thanks

 

[B_GoldenGoddess]

ugh sorry cant do anything right, title is suppose to be Help: Getting over someone???

 

[OzSpeedoBoy]

All I can say is talk to your close freinds ask em around to catch up or dinner, you freinds will always be their for you

 

[bigmix]

hi goddess,

I once experienced this ... as a man, you women may think it's much easier to forget. it's not true, girls.. it's still on my mind even it's over 5-6 years, however, it takes time to learn the new one, just give yourself some time too..

I know it's quite hard to explain this in words, and for more emotional sex like female, I'm sure that you are so reluctant. (I was called by my ex that I'm kinda too emotional so I think I have this female part in me too.)

why don't you just pull yourself out of who and what you are and sitting there then see yourself making friends with the new one and keep yourself away from what is too much to involve for a while, you know what level it is, before jumping in... for life

good luck.

 

[petercooper]

there is a very old saying...the author I dont know...but it goes something like this....

takes a minute to find someone a special friend, an hour to fall in love, and a lifetime to forget....

 

[_Jonesy]

Here we go, this is the thread that made me join. I hope I can help, I just felt so empathetic towards you.

I just got out of a tough, first-love situation. Got to admit it was made easier for me with how she treated me at the very end, I feel more resentment towards her than love now... but how often does it go right when you're so new to the feelings.

There is no simple answer or magic cure. The only way I could find was to accept it wasn't going to work out, to focus on other aspects of your life (for me it was studying and gym which paid off nicely I must say haha) and to pick flaws in the relationship.

Turned out there were a lot of them, and slowly I began to open my eyes and noticed other people, better people. I didn't think they would exist before obviously but I have had so much fun since, I feel free again. Try to find ways to distract yourself, communication is key, block it, everywhere and anywhere. This only works if you truly want to get over them, not if you feel you need to but arn't ready to do it. It may be difficult in some circumstance but blocking them out in as many ways as you can really does help.

Finally don't rush it, it will come in your own time and when you're ready to let go, and there is a much better life waiting for you any day now. Stay strong and good luck!

 

[splitface]

<snip>
takes a minute to find someone a special friend, an hour to fall in love, and a lifetime to forget....

While nice and all, that probably does not help much in the situation.

While I cant tell you what to do, as I dont know you or the details of the situation, I can tell you what not to do:

1) Don't be a desperate, clingy rebound girl. Men will have sex with you like that, but they won't love you. And it won't make the pain go away.
2) Don't allow yourself to be constantly reminded of him.
3) Don't compare every future man to him. Terrible, painful practice that will not get you anywhere ever.
4) Don't resign yourself to being lonely forever. You'll find someone.
5) Don't allow yourself to become a depressed shut-in. Take care to not do number one on my list, but rather to find the balance of what your life was before him.
6) Don't become an emotional eater. Just don't; even more time spent fixing your life.
7) Don't barrage every friendly ear with how much you miss him or loved him or deserved him or want him back. You will lose friends like flies.

Take every day as it comes. Take Powernaps. Talk to your friends (but DO NOT do it all the time, or they will hate you). Love life.

Feel better.

 

[D_Amyntas Lillydong]

in the same situation myself. i haven't seen her over a year, but still would constantly email, phone each other. she moved because of her career. hasn't made it any easier that she hasn't dated anyone either. problem is it has been very difficult to try and remain friends as it is very unlike me to do so. but i thought this time i would give it a try. just an off handed comment she had made recently that when she does find someone new she will stop talking to me. in good conscience i can not continue the friendship for now. so find someone new!

 

[Fleur]

I'm in the same situation with my first love. We were together for over 5 years and he really broke my heart. We were talking about getting married, getting a ring, had a dog together, lived together. Honestly, what made it easier and harder was his terrible treatment of me after the break up and the fact I never saw it coming. I could get into it but I tried to once here and just got a bunch of trolls attacking me.

It's been 7 months now and it hasn't gotten easier. He's engaged to someone else he barely knows and is supposedly buying a house, getting *another* dog (he's abandoned ours) and getting married to the new woman (who is nuts and has sent me threatening jealous emails (I don't even talk to her myself)) in two months. I wish I could say it has gotten better, but it hasn't. I've moved on in the sense that most of me knows we'll never work out because of the problems he has but I still miss him quite a bit. I tried the route of making logic out of an irrational situation and that doesn't work either. The only thing that's worked for me is keeping my head above water, my psychiatrist to talk to, my friends, and Zoloft (I got PTSD over it all...but that's another thread). Honestly what I miss is old memories and the future I was "meant" to have with him from someone who I have to keep telling myself no longer exists.

The dumbest and truest thing people will tell you is to just give it time and try to keep yourself occupied and your life going as normally as possible. This is just like a death in a sense that you are grieving and you need to let yourself do that and there really is no timeline for it. So don't let people tell you to "get over it" or "move on" ...you have to go at your own pace.

 

[Incocknito]

Don't:

Talk to them / reply to their talks
Text them / reply to their texts
Phone them / reply to their phonecalls

Definitely don't:

Meet up with them
Spend the night with them
Have sex with them

Definitely do:

Occupy yourself and have fun with your friends. Perhaps take up darts.

 

[_Jonesy]

Perhaps take up darts.

That could work or Archery if you really want to go to town lol.

 

[Viking_UK]

Good advice from Splitface, Fleur and Incocknito.

It's easier to deal with a break-up if you don't have any contact with your ex. Try to move on and do other things. Maybe take up a new hobby, but also give yourself a chance to have quiet times with yourself. Another option rather than talking to your friends about him is to write things down, maybe even write him a letter - not one that you plan to send. It gives you a chance to organise things in your head and makes them easier to deal with in everyday life.

 

[the_reverend]

i've been in love and had my heart broken more than a few times now, and honestly...i've never gotten over any of them. in some way or another, i'm still in love with each of them. so i don't know if i can give you a cure, but i can offer the best treatment...and that's time. just live your life for you and really FEEL what you're feeling. it's hard to understand now when it's so fresh and raw, but it really is a gift. yes, even the pain, even the tears. you learn so much about yourself by confronting those emotions, dealing with them and coming out the other side. you're stronger and wiser for it. the only mistake you can really make is to try and avoid or escape what you're feeling. because you'll still have to go through it, but while you're busy distracting yourself and repressing everything, you're missing out on the experience itself. to return to my earlier metaphor, you have to suffer through the sickness just the same, but your body doesn't build up any immunity or antibodies.

so embrace it. don't indulge in it...i've known way too many emotional masochists over the years who just aren't happy without a good dollop of angst in their lives...but whatever you're feeling, feel that! to its fullest extent. it is a gift and a blessing to feel at all and to shy away from the negative and only embrace the positive is a shame...because even when you laugh, it won't be with all your laughter unless you also cry with all your tears.

hope that's of some use.

 

[lickme69]

My best advice is to make other things in your life more important. Find something to do like take a class or something. Another thing that worked for me is to stay away from that person. Get involved in a new circle of friends where you will not run into that person. It makes it easier if you do not have to see that person. My last advice is that it will take time. No one knows how long, but it definitely takes time.

 

[B_GoldenGoddess]

Thanks everyone for all the helpfull advice!

I can really relate to Miss Fleur how after things ended he treated me horribly(thats why I said he didnt make things any easier) Just last night he contacted me and was once again such an asshole I couldn't believe that I fell in love with him, yet I still care about him so much and he couldn't care any less about me, but I guess there's no easy way to let these feelings go

 

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

I'm in the same situation with my first love. We were together for over 5 years and he really broke my heart. We were talking about getting married, getting a ring, had a dog together, lived together. Honestly, what made it easier and harder was his terrible treatment of me after the break up and the fact I never saw it coming. I could get into it but I tried to once here and just got a bunch of trolls attacking me.

It's been 7 months now and it hasn't gotten easier. He's engaged to someone else he barely knows and is supposedly buying a house, getting *another* dog (he's abandoned ours) and getting married to the new woman (who is nuts and has sent me threatening jealous emails (I don't even talk to her myself)) in two months. I wish I could say it has gotten better, but it hasn't. I've moved on in the sense that most of me knows we'll never work out because of the problems he has but I still miss him quite a bit. I tried the route of making logic out of an irrational situation and that doesn't work either. The only thing that's worked for me is keeping my head above water, my psychiatrist to talk to, my friends, and Zoloft (I got PTSD over it all...but that's another thread). Honestly what I miss is old memories and the future I was "meant" to have with him from someone who I have to keep telling myself no longer exists.

The dumbest and truest thing people will tell you is to just give it time and try to keep yourself occupied and your life going as normally as possible. This is just like a death in a sense that you are grieving and you need to let yourself do that and there really is no timeline for it. So don't let people tell you to "get over it" or "move on" ...you have to go at your own pace.

"the future i was meant to have".........damn! that's what gets me every time i think of my first love..(especially now that i'm newly single from my last gf)i just found out my first love got married to top it all off!
right now i feels like i'll never find love like that again...

 

[LongandBigSub]

Thanks everyone for all the helpfull advice!

I can really relate to Miss Fleur how after things ended he treated me horribly(thats why I said he didnt make things any easier) Just last night he contacted me and was once again such an asshole I couldn't believe that I fell in love with him, yet I still care about him so much and he couldn't care any less about me, but I guess there's no easy way to let these feelings go

I learned in psychology that we attract people that match how we feel. This is known as projection where we projects our feelings and our thoughts on to the people that we encounter, like a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think the key to get over someone is to remember they are a reflection of how you are feeling. And if you're attracted to someone that is bad for you (i.e. they act like a jerk and you still tolerate it) then you need to work on the feeling that is causing it.

Meaning, you have to let that feeling go.

Don't intellectualize it. Don't analyze. Just find a way to feel better.

You've probably heard about the stages of grieving - depression, anger, frustration, hope and acceptance.

I think those stages really reflect the way of getting over someone. You get angry to feel better and to stop feeling depressed. And soon, you'll feel less angry, and more frustrated. And once you're in frustration, you can start to feel a bit more hopeful, until you're over feeling attracted to this person that pissed you off.

You just have to do one feeling of relief at a time.

Hope that helps!

 

[dolfette]

new shoes.
if you really love him you may need a new dress too.

i'm only half joking.

 

[TheRob]

if breaking up was easy, falling in love would mean nothing

let me ask your age tho

and all I can tell you is time will help
I am sorry there isn't some like drink that will do the trick (far from it) but I have read that cardio exercise improves emotional health

it looks like you do a fair bit of working out now (you look like a Goddess alright...)

 

[helgaleena]

Remind yourself that you do not deserve shabby treatment. You may care about him but that does not mean that you need to tolerate him. If he is being an asshat it should make it easier to let him go.

I am such a way to my ex. He was honorable and did his best but it was not enough to withstand all the changes life put us through. It does not give him the right to turn on me snarling when outside forces go wrong. For my own survival I needed to let go. The loving feelings lessen but are still there because you are a good person.

But you are also a goddess inside, and this means you must not be someone's doormat. People who take proper care of their doormats are extremely rare!