Help Me Please

[D_Jay Sockafeller]

So, I'm not really sure how to explain this, so I'll start from the beginning. (It may get kinda long so thanks for reading it anyways). Okay, so I always envisioned myself as a straight male. I think I have a picture embedded into my head like so many other people in today's society. I always saw myself being married one day to a beautiful woman with children and a successful career living "The American Dream". Now back to reality.

I just finished college a few months ago, and I'm waiting tables trying to land a job. So go ahead and cross out successful career (not that there's anything wrong with being waiter/waitress, but I thought my life would take a different path). Also lately I've been realizing that I may have an affinity for the same sex as well as females. At first I merely brushed this off as a "comparison" and telling myself that everyone is little "gay" towards the same sex.

Now I see myself coming closer and closer to that fifty yard line and daresay teetering between both sides. Part of me knows that this is who I am, but part of me doesn't want to accept it. I feel as though accepting this in my life will seal a fate for me outside of that "American Dream" before.

I realize that being gay in today's society is totally different than it was in years past. I still can't get over the feeling I have that my life will never be as I wanted it to be if I accept who I am. I know that this was not a conscious choice that I made, but I feel as though I'm powerless in the situation. I wish it was a choice that I could have made.

Please don't take this as an, "I hate gay people" type of message, but rather a message that says, "I know there are gay people in the world and to each their own, but I choose a different life path for myself." I know that sounds hypocritical, because it appears as if I'm saying that, "gay people are fine, but I'm better than that." I'm not saying that at all, I'm coming from the angle "to each their own".

Now that I cleared that up, I have so many mixed feelings that I don't know how to express them other than in a list and some may contradict others, so here goes.

1. If this is to be my life, I can accept myself for who I am.

2. I really want that American Dream I talked about before, because that's always what I saw for myself.

3. I don't think women want a husband that's bi so I feel as though that's crushing my "Dream"

4. I truly do find both sexes very appealing.

5. I wish I was either fully gay or fully straight, because this being both shit is really confusing and frustrating and hard to sort out in my head.

6. I truly just want to be normal (whatever that is)

7. I'll never have children of my own if I choose the gay lifestyle. (I know there is adoption, and if I adopted a child I would love them like they were my own. I think it is the aspiration of every young person to parent their own child though.)

8. I want to be in love with another person while still loving myself, and I'm not sure that will ever be possible


I know some of these things that I wrote don't exactly make perfect sense, but I just wrote what I was feeling. I'm sure I missed some in there and I can't really put everything into words, but there it is.

So I don't really have a question to ask, but more of a suggestion box type of answer that I'm looking for. So if anyone ever felt similar to what I described please tell me how you got through it/are getting through it. Also outsiders opinions are always valuable so if you read this long post please feel free to comment freely I will take no offense to anything you write. Also this post represents my confusion quite well as it is all over the place similar to me.

Thanks

 

[D_Jared Padalicki]

This could be a thread I wrote man. No worries, you are not alone in this.
I have the same. I don't want to be rude, but i don't want to be gay. Not what I wanted in life. I also wanted a wife and children of my own. But being more honest with myself lately, I came to realise that that isn't something I would feel comfterable with because I'm not honest with myself.

But if you feel attracted to both genders. you still can fall in love with a beautiful woman and have the life you wanted. But don't run away from being attracted to guys either.

It's a hard and long road. But you'll get there. I'm on the same road, so you are definitaly not alone in this. You just have to be very honest with yourself.

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

...

1. If this is to be my life, I can accept myself for who I am. That is beautiful, but it can really take a lot of time for anyone to truly accept themselves. I am older than you and I am still in that process.

2. I really want that American Dream I talked about before, because that's always what I saw for myself. It is better for you to look for and eventually find your own dream. The American Dream could be simply a stereotype.

3. I don't think women want a husband that's bi so I feel as though that's crushing my "Dream". I think (though I may be wrong) that all men are essentially bi. I would agree that most women or wives don't want their partners or husbands acting on it. Feelings and tendencies can't be controlled. Only behaviour, if you want to.

4. I truly do find both sexes very appealing. Why should it be otherwise? Hmm, yet I think I feel attracted to certain people, and it doesn't matter what sex they might have.

5. I wish I was either fully gay or fully straight, because this being both shit is really confusing and frustrating and hard to sort out in my head. That is wishful thinking. Nobody is really on either end of the spectrum.

6. I truly just want to be normal (whatever that is). Just be yourself.

7. I'll never have children of my own if I choose the gay lifestyle. (I know there is adoption, and if I adopted a child I would love them like they were my own. I think it is the aspiration of every young person to parent their own child though.) Nobody is telling you to adopt the gay lifestyle. As for me, I would never, but that is me.

8. I want to be in love with another person while still loving myself, and I'm not sure that will ever be possible. Why not? Just take your time. Don't put the cart before the horse.

...

Unfortunately, I can't help you beyond these random answers. It feels like this is something very new in your life, so you may need baby steps until you find the right answers, if ever. Remember that everything is changeable, even yourself.

And I think it is very honest and mature of you to at least recognize that you have some "difficulties" to deal with. You are not a shallow person. I am sure you will find a way...

 

[rugger89]

This could be a thread I wrote man. No worries, you are not alone in this.
I have the same. I don't want to be rude, but i don't want to be gay. Not what I wanted in life. I also wanted a wife and children of my own. .

That also looked like something i could have wrote! But i agree with pieter, at least you like both, so maybe you will find that women who will be able to satisfy the craving for both men and women...i on the other hand dont think im that lucky :S. I think it just comes down to acceptance, something im still working on, and being happy with whatever path you chose to follow and believe itll work out, because chances are it will...

Now if only i could tell MYSELF that :S

 

[rbkwp]

All i can offer, that may be of some consolation
is that
Many of us do go thru similar to what you have described ..as pieter has endorsed
a matter of experiencing whats out there, and taking from it all,
what you will, that which suits you
Not designed to be easy,especially at the stage your at
Perseverance in life, a solution often only comes about thru experience .. i am afraid to say
our advice or suggestions, thru experience or from a ;professional
can really only be stopgaps
ALL the BEST
enz

 

[CALAMBO]

hey ZERO....bud...you are as normal guy as i have ever met....step by step...day by day...no labels on yourself....get yourself out there..be smart and enjoy life....at your age you have many years to learn and love, fail and suceed......take it easy on yourself....

 

[chrisj428]

1. If this is to be my life, I can accept myself for who I am. I think this is the primary goal. I'm going to be 39 in April and am still working on this. All I can offer is that you're in good company.

2. I really want that American Dream I talked about before, because that's always what I saw for myself. My "American Dream" included the house with the picket fence in the front yard, the dog, the garage, radaradarada. However it also included coming home to Don instead of Donna. The "American Dream" is different for everyone -- in fact, I'd say the "Dream" is to be able to do whatever you want. So, take the time to define your "Dream" and go for it!

3. I don't think women want a husband that's bi so I feel as though that's crushing my "Dream". See above.

4. I truly do find both sexes very appealing. Doubles your chance for a date on a Friday night. I assume you're in your early 20s? There's time.

5. I wish I was either fully gay or fully straight, because this being both shit is really confusing and frustrating and hard to sort out in my head. Zero, I can't offer help here, except to say there are a very select few who are actually 100% gay or straight, despite what they may will themselves into believing. While I've been with a woman and think they can be attractive, I'm not actually attracted to them.

6. I truly just want to be normal (whatever that is). Pah. "Normal" is what feels right to you.

7. I'll never have children of my own if I choose the gay lifestyle. (I know there is adoption, and if I adopted a child I would love them like they were my own. I think it is the aspiration of every young person to parent their own child though.) When the time comes, surrogacy is an option. Watch "Broken Hearts Club" -- the two lesbians used the sperm from the one's brother to inseminate the other, so it would be as close to the child they would have had together if they'd been able to.

8. I want to be in love with another person while still loving myself, and I'm not sure that will ever be possible. In order to truly love another, you have to love yourself -- they go hand-in-hand.

There you have it -- a lot of nonsense worth exactly what you paid for it. I wish you all the best and hope -- nay, pray -- that you enjoy your journey towards clarity. People who are truly living never stop examining and redefining themselves as they grow throughout life. There is no "end" point -- just the end. And, there's much joy, entertainment, sorrow, love and heartbreak to be lived before that.

 

[D_hybabi]

Zeropoint, what does the American Dream mean to you anyway?
Surely it is just a mantra that propels Americans towards prosperity, often inducing overinflated expectations and eventually disappointment? I am not going to bash the ethos of the American Dream, but I don't think these ideals really fit into modern day. They have racial and class inequalities and are full of labels and stereotypes of how Americans ought to be.

I think you'll find an abundance of sub-cultures and communities willing to accept you for who you are without any expectations.

Just take those small steps (as other people have suggested) and explore as much as you can. Think outside the box, and don't be afraid. You'll be much happier once you have taken a few more steps and figure out how to deal with it.

I can relate to everything you have said, and believe me it was much harder a few years ago. It got easier for me when I started being honest with myself and as a result, I became more comfortable with my sexuality and didn't fear it.

Sexuality is different for everybody and is a fluid as water. It changes all the time. Just like 'heterosexual' people may find S&M and bondage distasteful in their early years, but perhaps in their 40s it may be more appealing. That's an example, but it demonstrates how attitudes towards sex changes all the time. Don't worry about it, just go with the flow and enjoy your sexuality.

I agree with what someone else said, that perhaps you'll find a woman that would be able to fulfill the cravings of both a man and woman. I am also looking for that same woman. Because, after-all, I wish I was not bisexual and I could just settle down with a woman. But the point is, not to fight the desire. That is a very dangerous thing because in the end you'll be so miserable and you'll make those around you miserable too.

 

[D_Jay Sockafeller]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and post meaningful replies. After reading everything I feel a little better, and truthfully just writing all that out was also helpful. I know that I can't change who I am, and to be honest I wouldn't want to. Everything that I've done up to this point is a reflection of who I am. So if I was to start changing that the life I know would be totally different for better or for worse, and I truly am happy with where my life is right now. I just wish I had more control over where my life is heading in the future.

When I was talking about the American Dream, I mostly meant the path that most individuals follow nowadays: Grow-up, get married, have kids, grow old, die. Which when written out like that doesn't seem too appealing now anyways.

It seems I didn't even have to write my age because everyone on here was right, I'm actually 23 almost 24.

I worry because if I truly feel this way about both sexes, then will I ever truly be happy. No matter what direction I head it seems I'll always look and see that the grass is greener somewhere else. Maybe that's just because I am young and have never really been in love. So when that happens the choices will become easier and that person would fill my world, but for now I just see a problematic future.

Thanks again for all the replies. I know this is just a forum with "random people" but I truly feel that they did help.

 

[eyescream]

I say embrace your individuality.

 

[Florida Boy]

Hello Zero,
it could have been me writing that post 40 years ago. I too was at a place that could be described as Zeropoint. a better name for it would have been starting point. I can look back in time and see that, now. I was very frustrated in regards to the American dream and all that. I believe I was always comfortable with myself, though I wasn't sure of my sexuality. I lived part of that, so called, American dream versus IE 5 years of marriage. No kids, luckily.

Now I am a happy gay American senior citizen. The label doesn't matter but, if I had to hang out a shingle and say it out loud, I would gladly, do so. So, from that standpoint and many others, you are as normal as Apple party period

 

[ZOS23xy]

You can enjoy yourself without having to be sexual all the time. I like guys. But I'm married. My wife understands. I'm allowed to look. On rare occasions i do more than look. (Not too much in these years gone by). But I can understand the confusion. You can't bed everyone. Just enjoy the visuals, the company, and go for what you honestly believe. Life is full of surprises if you have no iron clad expectations.

 

[D_hybabi]

1) I agree that you should embrace your individulaity
2) Why would anybody want to fit into a generic mould of the 'American Dream'? - take positive aspects of this dream and create your own individual dream.
3) Even heterosexual people have life problems! If the grass looks greener on the other side, for sure the other side with have their fair share of problems at some point. We're talking people politics, social life here... but look at history, every empire has had it's ups and downs... that's the way life is (Florida Boy can be an advocate of this.)

 

[deleted509196]

One comment I want to make is regarding women not wanting a guy who is bi.... if the woman herself is, then she shouldn't mind. My boyfriend and me are both bi, but I think both of us would be jealous if we acted on feelings/urges for the same sex or whatever. We've talked about it a bit though. I just think it helps if the person can understand it on some level. OK so even if someone wasn't the same, they might be able to understand it. Yeah if you're bi you can't just ignore the fact that you are, neither can your partner, even if you have a preference to one gender or something. I've always thought bisexuality made the most sense though!

 

[CUBE]

I have been there. It takes time. I guess I was surprised life did not go exactly as expected. But everything is fine and you can have everything and more even as a gay man if that is the direction you go. It is more important that you are moral, treat people well, etc. That seems to fill the gap and be the true measure of a person anyway. Keep your chin up buddy. Gay guys are awesome by the way and I get a free toaster if you sign up for our side this week.

 

[hard2swallow]

Feeling the need to choose between two sides is normal for us bi folk. The truth is, my exboyfriend and I used to talk about girls when we weren't having sex, and my wife puts up with my comments about hot women/men and (i'm pretty sure) accepts that I jack off to gay porn.

With one very minor exception before we got married, I've been faithful for over ten years. Granted, I do wonder what happened to my twenties, many of my close friends are dead through a series of unfortunate events, and my wife has yet to bear my children (one of the major reasons I married her), but life is not easy and at the end you die. Also, if choosing to date girls means you can't date guys, then it also means you can't date any other girls (usually) and vice versa (usually).

It's more complicated being bi, but not by much.

 

[helgaleena]

I think you have made too many categories to live up to. One is that 'your career' is to be xyz and you need to do xyz to get there. If you still have a career dream, you can achieve it roundabout, not necessarily straight out the door of university.

Another is the idea of 'get married'. That is a life partnership that may happen with a man OR a woman, or even a freaky combo of more than one person! Keep an open heart about this.

Third is accepting yourself as you are. That can sometimes be the hardest. Start with what you like and what keeps you happy, sane, and productive on your own. Then factor in what you might like from a sexual partner after that, and again, keep a charitable attitude toward yourself.

There are many communities in the world where being what we call bi is the norm for men. There was a thread here about the Pashtuns of Pakistan and Afghanistan, and another abouit South American and Central American attitudes to sex.

 

[LGX]

Okay, so are you, like, sexually attracted ONLY or emotionally attracted to both?

 

[silvertriumph2]

Hey Zero...
You are no different from the next guy. All of us have dreams of what we want to do
with our lives and who we want to be like. Sometimes these dreams do not follow the
ones you have mapped out for yourself, but that is life. I thought I would be a famous
architect one day, but when I graduated from university there was a huge recession and
no jobs were available in that profession. I also ended up waiting tables and taking odd jobs. Because of that difficult time, I found another profession that I not only I liked better than architecture, but one that I loved and became my life's work. So, don't worry about how your dreams of that life after college have changed...it will get better in time and you will look back on it as a good experience...and laugh at your worries. I
know, for I have been through it a couple of times...

With regards to your worries about your sexual status...forget the lables for they are only confusing and are trouble makers. You are still young and you are still developing and evolving sexually.

Yes, todays society is much more tolerant towards gays, (but not necessarily for BIs), and therefore it can be more helpful...or it can be even more of a problem..for those in the struggle with their identity. When I was young, being gay or Bi was not a choice we could make and we had to hid all of our thoughts from others. There was no internet or lpsg, nor were there other "sites" where you could be anonymous, to find helpful people to advise you. Most had no helpful friends, or few friends with whom they could voice their feelings or even share a trust about being gay if Bi. You had to do it all alone.

This caused the gays to conform to the "norm", many over acting and using sport and exagerated machismo to showcase their "manliness", dating and becoming a "ladies man" to hid their real desires, and, evenutally marrying. Some marriges worked and some,
unfortunately ended in divorce.

For the BIs (and at the time I thought I was the only one who found both girls and boys
equally exciting), we dated girls, enjoyed sex, got "pinned", and even got engaged. The gay side was always hidden from view.

I know that I may feel differently than most BIs about being faithful, but when I am in love with someone, or in a relationship, I am completely true to that person. I have been married (only divorced because of in-law interferrence which made the marriage impossible to continue...not because we lost our love for each other) and I am the father of two sons...one with my wife...and another after my dirvorce, with a gf whom I never married. When I was married and when I was with my gf I never once was unfaithful to them. That does not mean that I did not have feelings or desires for men occasionally, but I have a strong will and my desire to be faithful is strong enough to keep on the straight and narrow. I never once was sorry, so it can be done. You can be BI and be happily married to the oposite sex, But, it takes work and dedication...and "love" has to be part of the equation to make it happen.

I wish you all the best for a very happy and sexually satisfying life, what ever the choice you make. Take your time...you are still young and there is time to spare...

Btw...I am now in a 20+ year relationship with a man....

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

Zeropoint, I agree with all kinds of good advice given by others and want to be supportive of you. But, for the record, I think that there are far more young people who don't want children than you would guess (including a substantial percentage who end up having them anyway to make someone else happy or by accident or circumstance, etc.), including me (gay man) and my sister (straight woman). I also agree that most people are more or less bisexual, but I don't think 100% hetero or 100% homo are rare, either. (And I'm 100% gay; I have all kinds of friends I've had for 10, 20, even 30 years, and almost all of them have never disclosed or let slip that they're anything less than 100% straight or 100% gay either. In fact, I've kept waiting all of these years for friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, relatives, anyone I've known relatively well to extremely well to let it slip that they're bisexual, and I can count them on one hand out of hundreds.) I say more power to you, but in my experience, finding GLBT persons who have kids or want kids is more common than bumping into a bisexual every day....