Help me please

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by FBAnder, Nov 3, 2005.

  1. FBAnder

    FBAnder Member

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    The situation is a little...unique. I must honestly admit I am disappointed in your teacher for showing such a lack of judgment in the matter (by having a sexual relationship with you to begin with). He is putting virtually his entire life on the line for this fling with you. I would like to reassure you that the guy is clean but if he is doing this with you, who knows who else he has done this with. What other kind of bizarre fetishes does he have?

    You have a tough choice to make. If you are truly worried and want to get tested, you will have to explain the situation to your parents. My opinion: better safe than sorry.
     
  2. Pappy

    Pappy Member

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    You need to sit down with your parents and tell them what has happened. Tell them everything and be completely up front and honest with them. I know that will be hard to do even if you have a great relationship with them. Your teacher, no matter how good looking or nice he is toward you, is a total scum bag and deserves to rot in jail. He has taken advantage of you in the worst way. If he is doing this to you then how many others are there??
    Talk to your parents as soon as possible and get yourself tested, just to make sure. You'll probably get grounded until you're 65 but at least your teacher won't be able to take advantage of anyone else and you will know for sure if he was clean.

    I hope everything goes well with your parents and that you're not infected with anything that can't be cured, and that your teacher goes to jail for a long, long time. Let us know how things come out.
     
  3. salthebb

    salthebb Member

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    Pappy is right on the money. This "teacher" is a felony sex offender. He is using his position as an adult and a teacher to influence you and put you in a position where you might not normally be. That is why real teachers are not permitted to have sex with their students. This person is no true teacher, he is a predator and when he finishes with you, he will victimize another student. You must act immediately to protect yourself and your fellow students.
     
  4. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Hello_diddy &#064; Nov 4 2005, 12&#58;47 PM) [post=358157]Quoted post[/post]</div><div class='quotemain'>
    Thanks guys for your advice but i really dont think i could ever tell my parents im gay or straight (im really confussed at the moment) especially my father he is so homophobic he put a gay man in hospital, For looking at him.

    I really dont know what to do we had sex again but we used a condom this time, He didnt want to but i insisted he did,It was starting to hurt when we were doing it but he said it was normal, He said he loved being with me and that i made him feel great, he said hes never been with another guy before, I really think im falling for him It&#39;s weid the feelings i have.I dnt know what i am gay or straight.

    There&#39;s no one in my family i could confidently tell that wouldnt tell my parents.None of my friends knows about me and steve, To them im straight, i play football and basketball im a ordinary straight guy.

    Id like to know How you&#39;d go about getting tested, What do they do and how old do you have to be.
    [/b][/quote]
    I think you are going to get a lot of advice here, so I hope you don&#39;t mind my two cents. I live in Germany, and over here 16 year olds are old enough to legally have sex with other men or women who are 16 or older. I am saying this so you know I don&#39;t think you are doing anything wrong.
    Where to get tested? Ok, you can find that out by calling the health centre at any university close to you. Call them on a pay phone and don&#39;t worry about giving a name - if they ask, just say "Joe Smith". Ask where you can have an "anonymous HIV test". There is no minimum age for a test.
    If that doesn&#39;t work, try planned parenthood.
    No luck? Ok, look up the address of the Public Health Office for your state. Call them (pay phone?) and tell them you need a test, where can you get it?
    If all that doesn&#39;t help, let us know - somebody here is bound to have more ideas.
    Ok, that was a direct answer to your question. Do you mind if I tell you my opinon? Just read on or log me out as you like.
    Like I said above, I think you have done nothing wrong. It&#39;s ok to be confused about sex and sexuallity (gay/straight) at your age. I still get confused about how to make my microwave timer work and I&#39;m way older than you. I know that love is possible between a 16 year old and an older man. If he really does love you, than he will have no problem your telling him you want to cool things down for awhile. Just say your dad has been a little curious, that will probably do it. I am sorry to say, I don&#39;t really think he is acting the way someone who loves you should.
    I think the strong reactions of folks here are pretty clear, they are worried about you. Me, too. But I don&#39;t want to scare you so much by talking about other things. So let&#39;s just stick to the facts. As I see it:
    1) Aids test - see above. Again, no luck, let us know.
    2) Since your folks aren&#39;t maybe the first people to talk to here, let&#39;s see. Who else might be a good listener.
    How about your doctor? If you tell him this is private, he has to keep it private. No? Ok, how about Planned Parenthood again? These folks are good at listening and can give you some good advice. No Planned Parenthood around? Hmm, try the Metropolitan Community Church. Or the Unitarian Church. Or the Rabbi at a Jewish Synagogue. These folks will keep things quiet if you ask, they are usually very good listeners.
    Still nobody close you can call? I promise, I&#39;ll keep looking and I bet someone who is reading this and lives in the US has some better ideas.
    Please, take this one step at a time. It is not your fault, it is not your guilt.
    To everybody else, yeah - I feel the same way, but our freakin&#39; ain&#39;t helpin&#39; things.
     
  5. Dr Rock

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    1) start using protection. unprotected sex with anyone you don&#39;t know very well is asking for trouble.
    2) wherever you live, there has gotta be a free clinic somewhere relatively nearby. the only thing you can do on the internet is web searching, but it might be more productive to ask around amongst your friends, chances are someone can put you on the right track. as panthera says, HIV testing is anonymous and free, so you&#39;re not putting yourself at any risk.
    3) about the emotional side of the relationship, nobody else can really tell you what you should do - that&#39;s something everyone&#39;s gotta work out for themselves. however, I suggest you sort out 1) and 2) before you start worrying about that.
    4) don&#39;t get freaked out by the rabid OMG UR BREAKING THE LAW responses; those always show up whenever anyone mentions teenage sex. there is nothing wrong or immoral about exploring your own sexuality with anyone else, provided it is safe and consensual. just don&#39;t let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don&#39;t want to.
     
  6. Onslow

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    "See a law enforcement official at once" That was my first thought. I have no idea where you live or what the legal deals are where you live but in most cases the odds are that this man is breaking the law by engaging in sexual activity with a minor. I don&#39;t give a rats ass how attracted you are to him, the thing is he is married and above the legal age. He is also an educator and the matter of an educator and a student---his or her student--being sexual with each other is a legal offense in most jurisdictions.

    As to testing, if there are any health clinics in your area they might be a place to start. Again not knowing where you live or any details beyond the basics you have given there is no way to say definitively whether or not your parents would be notified, however the big thing here is that you get tested even if they were to find out since the other option is possibly death if the teacher is carrying ANY of a myriad of sexually transmitted diseases. Apart from HIV, since this man is having sex with you, he may well also be screwing a half dozen or more other people--male and female so God knows what creepies are crawling through his blod stream and along his penis.


    As to the teacher he is sleezier than words can describe and ought to be castrated and hung in the town square to bleed to death.
     
  7. Frostbite

    Frostbite New Member

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    I apologize in advance for the length of this post but seeing as how it&#39;s my first, I thought I&#39;d make it somehat useful.

    Well, in your part of Australia, I believe the legal age of consent is 16. It varies from state to state though, so don&#39;t take that as gospel. While he may not technically be breaking the law, I&#39;d be very surprised if the school he works at doesn&#39;t have some sort of policy against teacher-student relationships. From his perspective, he&#39;s put himself at risk of not only losing his current job but potentially being blacklisted from teaching anywhere else. Most schools aren&#39;t going to be interested in hiring someone who has a history of dating/sleeping with his students.

    This, of course, isn&#39;t really your problem because the only person he can blame for his lack of judgement is himself. By the sound of your story, however, it doesn&#39;t sound like he coerced you into sleeping with him and, in fact, you have some feelings for him, even though you may be confused. While what you and he did may have been wrong in some ways, I have mixed feelings about people saying you should report him in that it sounds a bit like those stories of women who get drunk, sleep with someone, regret it the next day and claim rape. In all honesty, if he has a problem with dating students, he probably shouldn&#39;t be working there but if you do decide to get him in trouble, make sure it&#39;s for the right reasons, not just because you&#39;re bitter or upset about your relationship with him.

    On the other hand, this may be his MO, so to speak, so you may just be another conquest of his. It&#39;s a tough call and I don&#39;t envy your situation one bit. Either way, it&#39;s probably in both your best interests to stop seeing each other. He&#39;s putting his job at risk and you&#39;re risking getting caught by your parents, which, by the sound of it, would be worse for you than for him. It doesn&#39;t sound like being gay/bi in your household would be accepted so if you&#39;re truly interested in pursuing relationships with men, you&#39;re better off at the very least taking fewer risks with your dating and at best waiting until you don&#39;t live with your parents any more.

    As far as the unprotected sex is concerned, no one is worth getting sick and dying for. If he or anyone else you date really cares about you, they&#39;ll insist on using protection, even if you have a minor lapse in judgment. And get yourself tested for HIV and other diseases now and as long as you remain sexually active. I even did some homework for you to find more information about how to do it. You can visit http://www.afao.org.au/Testing/section3_b.htm for more information on HIV/STD testing in Australia. Good luck&#33;
     
  8. Dr Rock

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Hello_diddy &#064; Nov 4 2005, 04&#58;35 PM) [post=358222]Quoted post[/post]</div><div class='quotemain'>I Feel really stupid like its all my fault,What did i get my self into.[/b][/quote]
    how is it anyone&#39;s "fault"? think about it: he approached you, so the responsibility for initiating the relationship was his. which is academic in any case, since you responded. I dunno who&#39;s convinced you that you&#39;re doing something wrong (although some of the cunts on this forum ain&#39;t helping any, so far as i can see), but this is not a situation in which "fault" or "blame" are really applicable.

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>I think were starting to get a bit to close to each other he rings me all the time,I want to cool it off but im worried by what he might do,Everytime im with him i end up doing stupid things i dnt even want to do.

    It&#39;s like he tells me to do something then i will just automatically do it, its like i cant say no.[/b][/quote]
    huh? if he&#39;s making you uncomfortable, tell him to back off. if he honestly cares about you, he can&#39;t object to that. if he does, you&#39;ll know that he&#39;s stringing you along.
     
  9. DC_DEEP

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    I disagree with the comments previously about "tell your parents immediately" and "call law enforcement immediately."

    However, the HIV test is mandatory - you must must must get one. That is of the utmost importance. It is the one part of all the advice we have given that you CANNOT ignore. Do it NOW. Find a clinic in your area. Do a Google search for HIV testing in Sydney.

    Second, it doesn&#39;t matter if you are having sex with a male or female, or if you are fucking or being fucked - always use condoms. Even if someone tells you they are clean, even if they look ok, even if they seem like the type that wouldn&#39;t have a disease, use a condom. If someone is willing to do things with you that could infect you, chances are they have done those same things with someone else.

    Third (and probably the hardest) you should break off the relationship with him. All other factors aside, it is just the worst possible situation to be involved with a teacher at your school. If you do really care for him, you will stop seeing him out of school. Once you graduate, if you still want a relationship with him, that is a different story, but you just should not be sexually involved with faculty or staff at a school you are attending. If you do continue, it could lead to him losing his job, and possibly being branded as a sexual predator.

    I do understand where you are coming from. I lost my virginity, at age 17, to a man 7 (maybe 8) years older than me. I had actually wanted it to happen two years before, but it just didn&#39;t work out that way. He was not a predator, just a friend, and I was the one who made the moves.

    You have some difficult tasks ahead of you, but take care of them. It&#39;s important.
     
  10. Dr Rock

    Gold Member

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    who lives in the east &#039;neath the willow tree? Sex
    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(DC_DEEP &#064; Nov 4 2005, 07&#58;53 PM) [post=358272]Quoted post[/post]</div><div class='quotemain'>If you do continue, it could lead to him losing his job, and possibly being branded as a sexual predator.[/b][/quote]
    to be fair, I don&#39;t think Hello_diddy should try to make himself responsible for that aspect of it - the guy must&#39;ve known those risks when first approaching him. however, i agree that it would be a good idea to at least discuss the subject and its implications, and i concur that (were it me) i would not consider it worth the potential hassle in the short term, at least not while i was a student at the school that employs the guy.
     
  11. Frostbite

    Frostbite New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Dr Rock &#064; Nov 4 2005, 03&#58;12 PM) [post=358307]Quoted post[/post]</div><div class='quotemain'>
    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(DC_DEEP &#064; Nov 4 2005, 07&#58;53 PM) [post=358272]Quoted post[/post]</div><div class='quotemain'>If you do continue, it could lead to him losing his job, and possibly being branded as a sexual predator.[/b][/quote]
    to be fair, I don&#39;t think Hello_diddy should try to make himself responsible for that aspect of it - the guy must&#39;ve known those risks when first approaching him. however, i agree that it would be a good idea to at least discuss the subject and its implications, and i concur that (were it me) i would not consider it worth the potential hassle in the short term, at least not while i was a student at the school that employs the guy.
    [/b][/quote]

    Not to mention the fact that his parents would almost certainly be contacted by the school, which doesn&#39;t sound like the best thing for him at this point. He did mention his father has a history of violence toward gay people.
     
  12. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    Hi hello_diddy. Was out taking care of a sick cat this evening for my best friend. His son is in the hospital right now, so life is kind of interesting. I hope you got some useful information here. Please don&#39;t pay too much attention to those of us who are making some tough statements; it&#39;s your life and you are the one who has to live with your decisions.
    Here are some of my thoughts after thinking things over today. Maybe they will be useful, if not never mind.
    The HIV test is sure important, but you know it will take a while before it would be really accurate. So don&#39;t panic about getting it done tomorrow. Take your time to find out, have some talks with the folks who do the testing and then get the test when you have some information and it isn&#39;t such a big part of the current stress you have in your life. There is absolutely no way you should be having unsafe sex. If "steve" won&#39;t accept this, then he is too young to be having sex, never mind how old he is. And stuff which hurts is just plain out. Good sex doesn&#39;t hurt. Ok, anal intercourse needs lots of lube and lots of time, and it burns a bit the first few times. But you are talking about pain. That is so not good. I am not saying you should have sex with "steve", but if you do, then nothing which hurts. Or is unsafe. And if he won&#39;t respect this, then you definitely have to stop.
    A lot of folks have said - some of them pretty strongly - that you should end the relationship to "steve". Ok, I think you should definitely decide what you need for you and then act in your own interests. Love is a great thing, I just don&#39;t think "steve" is treating you the right way. Love and friendship are great, but maybe you two have not got enough friendship here. The difference between his late 20&#39;s and your mid-teens is not too much for a friendship, but I think it is for a love relationship.
    Your parents have some pretty strong feelings about being gay. This may not be the easiest way to get them to rethink things. Parents tend to overreact when they feel their children are being hurt. Even my folks, who are way over 70, still get upset when someone isn&#39;t nice to me. If you decide to talk to them, figure in that they are probably going to be a tad bit upset. Maybe this would really be the time for one of their parents or an aunt or uncle to help you out? Again, I really encourage you to talk to a priest or minister or rabbi from a liberal church or counselling centre before the shit hits the fan at home.
    Last piece of advice - you are ok. Your situation isn&#39;t. But it isn&#39;t your fault, it isn&#39;t &#39;cause you did anything wrong. Sex and love are normal. But "steve" surely wasn&#39;t thinking of your best interests when he put you into this situation. So you are going to have to think and do for yourself. Keep writing and let us know how things are going.
    Note to the rest of us: Hey, folks, can we tone down the comments? Or put them in another thread? I&#39;d start one if I weren&#39;t so technically challenged. Think about it, this man has got enough shit going down without hearing that we want to do nasty things to the man he has feelings for. Please?&#33;
     
  13. Ineligible

    Ineligible Member

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    A couple of comments about getting tested in Australia. First, the doctor shouldn&#39;t tell your parents anything unless you give permission. If you are worried that your usual doctor might say something (and some doctors do break the confidentiality laws), there&#39;s nothing wrong with going to another doctor. If you find one who bulk-bills it will cost you nothing for the consultation - all you&#39;ll need is your Medicare card (a few places will accept just the number if you don&#39;t have the card). A Family Planning Clinic (if they still have them) would see you for nothing, as will hospital casualty departments (but there&#39;s a very long wait there). There may be a charge for the tests themselves. There may be specific STD clinics that work similarly.

    In your relationship with Steve, you have the power to break it off. If you were to tell the school he&#39;d certainly be sacked, and if he were to harrass you to continue he could be criminally charged (if he can&#39;t be now - he could in my state).
     
  14. B_horribleperson56

    B_horribleperson56 New Member

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    i would stop seeing him and tell him to stop seeing you. and then go get yourself tested
     
  15. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    hey there, ho there - so much for the caps key on my keyboard. oh, well - least ways i won#t be shouting today...good luck breaking off with steve. sorry he lied to you. think about whether you ought to do something to stop him hitting on 15 year olds - 16 is a young man. 15 is a boy. not good and, hello-diddy, would have sure changed some of what i#ve written you here. i sure don#t like anonymous letters but if you know one 15 year old he#s hit on, there#s bound to be more. if there is an older person you trust, ask them to help you write a letter to the school authorities and the police. if not, i bet we can all figure out a way for you to get the message out without your folks getting involved.
    ok, this is too wei [​IMG] rd...Hah&#33; crumbs from my rubber under the caps key. Okay, so why was I rubbing out pencil marks on the computer? Never mind. You really don&#39;t want to know. Now if I only knew why the right caps key doesn&#39;t work anymore life would be easy.
    Take care, remember that a test really only means anything after a while, not right after sex (how long depends on the test, but over here we say a few weeks to be sure).
    If I were you, I&#39;d probably be a little tired of the whole thing by now - but, please, don&#39;t try to forget it. This is a part of your life and there is a lot to learn from it.
    Stay in touch.
     
  16. BuffMusicIdol

    BuffMusicIdol New Member

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    Hello_diddy,
    Look, buddy, you are GETTING AWAY with this for now, but YOU WILL GET CAUGHT EVENTUALLY. Then what will you do? How will it mess your life up? Your dad is homophobic. What will he do to you? Will he kick you out, disown, refuse to ever speak to you again? How will this mess up your teacher&#39;s life--and marriage?

    You will be sorrier than hell when that day comes, and you will do ANYTHING to undo it all.

    DON&#39;T MESS WITH HIM ANY MORE. HE IS JAIL BATE, UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND FAMILY, AND A PREDITOR TO YOU.

    Lose him, dude. If you don&#39;t have guts to go to the police, or your parents, LOSE HIM, don&#39;t answer your phone and DON&#39;T talk to him. Tell him to get the hell out of your life, and then go to a free clinic and get tested. You do anything he says because you see him as a father or authority figure. At this point, he is NEITHER&#33;&#33; HE IS A PREDITOR.

    Take charge, don&#39;t be a victim, because if you don&#39;t, you SURELY will be one sorry victim from this.




    BTW,
    you being the "first," huh.

    That&#39;s a laugh. He is a preditor who is hitting on any cute guy, and you have evidence of it. He is a pro at preying on guys your age. You need to round up the guys he&#39;s hit on and fucked, and all go to the police together. Put him away.
     
  17. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    Gosh, BuffMusicIdol. What do you do with a lame horse? Shoot it? Fer cryin&#39; out loud, tone it down, will ya? I hear just fine.
    And I bet Hello_Diddy does too, even if he is on the other side of the world.
    (Not that I disagree with what you mean, I fear you are right)
     
  18. rich-9.8

    rich-9.8 New Member

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    Hi Diddy,

    I don&#39;t know what the legal age of consent is in Australia, but if this guy hasn&#39;t broken the law, he is breaking every rule in the book as far as his job is concerned. If you want to get tested it isn&#39;t necessary to tell your parents, there will be drop in centres where you will be tested and treated confidentially. If you think you are gay, that&#39;s OK. But you should be meeting guys your own age, and your teacher should not take advantage of your confusion. Keeping quiet about it isn&#39;t really an option as other kids are at risk from him too.

    One reason you should tell your parents is for some emotional support - if you feel used by this man, or need support in naming and shaming him, I&#39;m sure your parents will be there for you.

    I yo feel your parents will not understand, is there another adult or family member who you are close to and trust? It might help to talk things over with them first.

    Above all, keep your chin up mate. You&#39;ll come through this.

    Good luck,

    Rich
     
  19. panthera

    panthera New Member

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    One reason you should tell your parents is for some emotional support - if you feel used by this man, or need support in naming and shaming him, I&#39;m sure your parents will be there for you.
    [/quote]
    ...I don&#39;t know whether this is such a good idea. His dad has already put one man in the hospital for looking at him...
     
  20. kurios

    kurios Member

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    For what it is worth ........exploring your sexual orientation can take a while and cant always be decided just like that. You may be mixing up a lot of differnet considerations and feelings because you are dealing with an older person who seems to be driving the agenda a bit too quickly and this is all new and unexpected for you.
    I strongly disagree with people that suggest talking it over with your parents and the cops (unless tests are positive)&#33;
    Once informed both parents and cops have to act and the circus begins
    Unfortunately it is far too likely that the &#39;informing route&#39; will result in irreversible damage to you as well
    There will be press coverage, court, and your parents and friends to deal with. Yes you may prevent someone else being drawn in to the spiders web and this may theoretically be the &#39;right thing&#39; to do but you will personally accomplish what?
    If you want to explore, do so with someone your own age.
    You can back out now relatively unscathed by the sound of things but dont go along with what you already realise is a very inappropriate connection.
     
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