Help me sweep her off her feet... slowly

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by roosevelt, Oct 20, 2006.

  1. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Okay, so.... I may have met the perfect woman for me, and she's as interested in me as much as I am in her, but I really want to take things slowly. We've discussed our mutual interest and exclusivity, but neither of us is ready to put any kind of label on it.

    I think I'd like to limit seeing her, for the time being, to one or two nights a week, we're both very busy, and don't really have time for a relationship anyways. (Remember we're taking it slow, so this will increase over time)

    I know that when I'm getting to know someone, I have a tendency to want to spend as much time with her as I can, but I also know that when someone does that to me, it scares the shit out of me! I really think this may be the perfect woman, and I know she has the same thoughts in her mind about me, so, I guess by my absence, I want her to have a longing for me, not so much that she'll question my feelings, but enough to make her really miss me when I'm not around.

    I know this sounds manipulative, but in my mind it's not any worse than anything else we do in relationships to try and create or entice desire.

    On the other side of this, I want to do very romantic things for her when we are together, and I never want to seem uninterested. (Ah, finding balance, such a task!)

    I know that this aproach may make me sound like an asshole (I'm really not, I swear) but we've both had a history of dating terrible people, and we both want to take this slowly, so I think that my sort of "hands off" aproach will allow her enough space and time to really fall in love with me, without feeling like I'm forcing anything onto her.

    Please give me input:

    1. Am I off my rocker with this aproach?

    2. How would you feel if you where her (will it have the desired effect)?

    3. What can I do to make her feel amazing when I do see her?
     
  2. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2006
    Messages:
    2,061
    Likes Received:
    0
    There's nothing manipulative or underhanded about your approach. Given your history, it's a good idea to take it slow at first. Besides, you don't have to follow that game plan if it heats up faster than you anticipate.

    From personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that some of us need more space, more time to mull things over, no pressure brought to bear. It's wonderful that you have found someone you want to forge (forgive the untimely pun) a relationship with. Try your plan but don't overethink the situation. Hope it works for you. You won't have to do anything special to make it amazing when you see her; that should come naturally.:smile:

     
  3. wi_sugargrl

    wi_sugargrl New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2006
    Messages:
    284
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin transplant
    I think your plan sounds perfect. Sometimes, more often than not in relationships, slowwww is good. For me, I look forward much more to seeing him and it does leave a certain amount of mystery because I'm not learning everything about him at first glance.

    What can you do to make her feel amazing? Well, it's very individual (of course), but I think just treating her like she's the most important person in your life at that moment. Listen to her, really pay attention. We look for those things :rolleyes: . Pay her compliments at the most unexpected moments.

    Good luck!
    Sugar
     
  4. Ethyl

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,476
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    495
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Philadelphia (PA, US)
    Dating is sometimes complicated by our past relationships. We don't want to make the same mistakes as before although inevitably we make new ones. We want to be smarter about our choices, not only in our potential mates but how we interact with them. I applaud you on your "slow" approach if that's what makes you more comfortable at this stage. There are two things you might want to consider:

    1) The slow approach may work very well for both of you. Know that the pace may change as the nature of your relationship progresses. As much as you may want to avoid some of the mistakes of the past, every relationship is unique and must be treated as such, so expect to play some things "by ear". It's a learning process and if you embrace it things will run more smoothly for the two of you..

    2)Manipulation is a hallmark of being human. We want each relationship to be different and better than the last so we often attempt to do things differently, based on our experiences. Just know that you are only responsible for your half of this equation as she is for her half. As far as her missing you, you can't make her miss you but she will if she really likes you. It's natural to miss someone you want to spend time with. From what you've written, it seems you two communicate well. It's important to not second-guess the other person, something that's easy to do after you've been involved in a few relationships. I don't think you're being an asshole at all, just cautious. Nothing wrong with that. I can't tell you how she feels because i'm not her. You'll always know as long as you make yourself available to her. But if she knows she can talk to you and be honest about how she feels, you'll have everything you need.

    You want her to feel amazing? Give her your full undivided attention when you're together, no matter where you are or what you're doing. It's foolproof, trust me.

    Good luck, Tony. I wish you two the best of everything. :smile:
     
  5. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    I saw her unexpectedly tonight, so we talked and we actually discussed the idea of only seeing each other a few days week, and we're both keen on it.

    I think one of the things that's kind of scaring us is the fact that we've just met, and can already see the potential we have together. It's wierd how well we match one another.

    We do comunicate well, and I think that's making everything in the process very smooth. This woman is amazing!
     
  6. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2006
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    If you look out of the window of a passing train,
    I thought about this 2 days ago, as I am somewhat in a simliar position, with a few changes.
    reminds me of myself and another girl recently, I stared a college course last year, (2005-2006) and
    (Long story)
    noticed a girl use teh same train as me every day, time went on, not only was she catching the same train, but day a week, she would be found outside my locker in college. Ok I thought, continued, didn't see each other until the next day.
    Things went on for 9 months, didn't really talk to the girl in question, until one morning, used the same train, I was after a desk just to use my laptop, fine, we use the same train and bus, didn't see each other until that evening..... got on the train, asked to sit opposite her (she picked a seat with a table, the trains we have down here, known as "Electrostars", provided by Southern, often have airline seating in the middle of the train), we talked and talked, did the same the next week in the morning, Did more recently when college restarted (and on new courses), then things went bad.

    To cut a long story short, I got the persons email address recently, but I do feel ignored until last week, one tutor apporached me with the situation in hand, (it looks as though we both like each other, but one (me) likes the other (herself) more than the reverse), but both are scared of each other. Oh one is single, the other (aparently) taken, but like yourself, where do I go from here? I've spent the last 2 weeks avoiding the train I did catch, which we both use from the same station, but if I talk, I'm worried I could make the relationship worse, if I keep quiet, I could be seen as being rude, its relationships like that, that you think "hmmm, I am dammed... either way", indeed I feel like that.

    I think the mistake I made, was going too fast in a shorter time frame after not speaking to the person at all, but I am not going to ask her that, incase things get worse. Then again, I have mentioned to the tutor, that I think it is a bit of OCD showing though.

    So tips:
    Don't get too obessive
    Don't go too fast
    Be honest!

    By the way, your desire to spend more time with the one you love? Yeah, I am in the same position with the said girl, although, really I should forget her.


    Err, yeah, one problem, Nat and myself are in the SAME college, so in the same work enviroment, you are going to bump into each other atleast once a week. If I had my way, 2 cafes would be out and a route would be different, but because the people I hang around with (another girl plus a few more course mates), use various places, it becomes hard. Actually, note to self, take avoiding lines! (I don't think Nat uses one cafe I do use a lot.)

    Hmmm..... I've been bullied by a girl who I fancied, just for fancying her, 2 years later, she still wants to beat me up. (Bearing in mind, the last words we spoke, was April 2004! And they were NOT very nice, especially when you have her mother that adds to the situation, making things loads worse). But everyone else has had no interest, whereas, the only 2 I have dated asked me out!
    One didn't last long and I wasn't attracted to her, the other we rowed over the smallest thing.



    Sounds like you at all? Oh, BTW, I wouldn't say you are an "Asshole", you are showing you love and care about the person for the right things, not just to date and shag. (And I know, I shouldn't be swearing). As I have tried to demostrate, your case isn't unique, maybe 2 negatives make a positive then.
     
  7. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    She called me tonight and told me she missed me... so it seems to be working.

    We have a date on wednesday and then a party we're going to together on saturday, so we're keeping it to twice a week or so right now..
     
  8. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2006
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    If you look out of the window of a passing train,
    Woah!! Thats better luck than me, so far, this one person hasn't spoken to me for 4 weeks OR MORE. Time to consider our friendship, dead! (Yes, shes got my email address, I've got hers, but I feel I am no longer allowed to use it)

    EDIT: Good luck for the future, I hope it turns out just the way you want it.
     
  9. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Well, good luck with yours as well, not all of these things turn out the way we want.

    I think one difference might have been that we where both instantly interested in each other when we met, and I made excuses to spend time with her for a few days to get to know her better, then we talked, and discovered that we both felt the same way about each other...

    We're "dating" we're just not making any other commitments or definitions for our relationship. (though it is mutually exclusive, which no-doubt, provides us both with peace of mind)
     
  10. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2006
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    If you look out of the window of a passing train,
    My problem is I thought I knew the signs, but as I found out with my condition, its not always the case, one thing we lack in this department is body laungrage. Although, TBH, I seem to see things black or white, no grayness, which I find bizzare!
    Although as someone mentioned in my live journal/blog/whatever (not myspace, I deleted that because I felt it was casuing trouble by "opening up") that every girl I meet, I tend to think of them as my future.


    Then again, maybe Nat is interested and just scared to tell me, but then again, there is a very high chance she isn't and just doesn't want to know about that part yet. (Even though I don't want anything to do with sex with herself at this moment in time.)


    Thats my life story! :)
     
  11. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2006
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    If you look out of the window of a passing train,
    Hey roosevelt sorry if I am being pushy here, but I am intreauged, even though its been a week.
    How is everything in your love life? Has it got worse? Better? No different?


    Mine hasn't gone anywhere, so I thought I would say "enough is enough, no more", so I kept quiet and ignored the girl, went as far as going to the opposite end of the train, only a matter of time before I end up in the same car as herself, because I can't find a seat! :(

    Still, if she talks, I'd be happy to respond, but no go as far, keep more reserved. Oh well, it had to end. I hope nothing is starting up elsewhere though, although, I'd have to see what next Tuesday produces. Unless my hearing was deciving me (which it often does.).



    If you don't want to respond, fine, disregard, if you want to discuss in PM, fine, if you want to discuss via email, fine, contact me and I'll give you my private addy. (not the MSN one)

    I'll look forward for a public response otherwse :)
     
  12. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Sorry it took me a while to see this, I'm in the midst of my Christmas rush, so I don't get as much time online...

    Well, I'd say that things are going quite well at the moment. We're official now, and she's met my family, and I've met her best friend.

    We have an understanding that we're both far too busy to see each other during the week, so I only see her on the weekends for now (I did bring her flowers one night last week though) And we're both looking at the relationship pretty seriously.

    So we spend the week apart, and the weekends together, it's kind of fun, and we're both secure enough in the relationship to know we're both safe and monogamous. we pretty much jump each other on friday evening when we get together, and so we just plan for 3-4 hours alone before we can go do anything. We usually end up spending the entire weekend together, so I guess that makes up for the lack of time durring the week.

    I'm meeting her Family in a few weeks for thanksgiving, and I'm already text messaging back and forth with her mom. (wow)

    Reality is, as much as I wanted to take this slowly, I think that by saying we weren't gonna see each other all the time, it's made things actually progress more quickly. Originally, the plan was we'd go out on friday night and maybe saturday, but it turned into us spending the weekends together. I can't say this has turned out how I'd planned it, but I can say I'm happy with what's happened! :eek:

    She's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and we're amazing together.
     
  13. WessexEN

    WessexEN New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2006
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    If you look out of the window of a passing train,
    Congratuations... I sure you really deserve her. It is nice to hear that you are both getting on soo well with each other and everything is sorted at your end.


    For comparasions, my end is dead, completely.
    Everything has now ended and I truely blame myself for the entire situation again. So, now I cannot email her, I can't talk to her and she runs away from me so I found out. I was in the cafeteria at college today, got dropped off by my class mates, got some lunch, I knew about her friend was in there, so I turn around and...
    "oh shit!"
    .. then I hear her name called. All of her classmates just clear off increadably quick, so yes, I've done something wrong, deeply wrong.

    I talked to the support manager today (I known her for a long time), I was told my situation isn't unusual, but what is that I am still stuck to the person. So now I have to totally forget her (yeah right, I won't forget about her by christmas, I am still stuck to her), she wont talk to me at all, I have to stay WELL away from her, I see her friend every day, yet she says nada and everyone I knew (tutor wise) is really, really concerned about me.


    Suggestions?




    EDIT: Worse, she goes to Norway at the end of the current college year (August 2007) and the only contact is via email. So, once she goes to Norway for good, thats it! I'll never speak or see her again. I should imagine she is going over for good, she hasn't told me, but I am assuming the worst.
    Again, its a situation where I am told to shut up and do as I am told, or so I feel, the words "Back off" also feel very forceful too.
    Little wonder why I give up. (Oh and some other girl is now confusing me, but I am saying no more as well to her.)
     
  14. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2002
    Messages:
    83,922
    Likes Received:
    34
    "Help me sweep her off her feet... slowly"

    *types as slowly as possible* T-r-y ... a ... s-l-i-d-e ... t-a-c-k-l-e.
     
  15. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Well, it's been about 6 weeks since I've been on, but the update goes something like this:

    Her family came to my house for their family thanksgiving.

    She finished her semester in grad school, so I went home with her for a few days, her mother is "crazy about" me and has recomended that I think of myself as part of the family.

    I'm really happy with everything.

    Wessex; I hope everything goes well for you, but I do think the edvice of "backing off" might really be right for you. what's the story of the other girl?

    Pecker: She did tackle me onto the bed, but it wasn't a slide tackle...
     
  16. D_Sheffield Thongbynder

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2006
    Messages:
    2,061
    Likes Received:
    0
    I love happy endings. :cool: Glad to see you back here, too. John
     
  17. Gisella

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    4,872
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    Wow..very cool Roosevelt!

    We are happy for you 2! hmmm..when the girls mother likes the guy is a great thing....:tongue:

    :smile:
     
  18. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks guys!

    I'm going with the Family to a wedding in new orleans next month, so I'll be meeting all the extended relatives.

    now that the Christmas rush is over, I'll be back on a little bit more!

    I have some fun stories I'll be telling soon, This girl is amazing! I'd never met someone as active as me, and we really interact well together.

    Even our body chemistry works; we don't taste each others morning breath!
     
  19. RoyalT

    RoyalT New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2006
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Wow that is amazing. I have the worst luck with women. Either I turn them crazy or I just attract crazy. But then I'm young and so are the girls I date...actually the last one was pretty old.

    I'm really happy for you and hope I find someone so well matched :smile:

    Nice to hear someone's happy :biggrin1:

    My ex's mother liked me, probably more than my ex did lol. Just keep searching people and keep yourself busy. I get so sidetracked and accomplish nothing when I have a girlfriend.

    Anyway, I'm very happy for you Roosevelt. There aren't even any 'accomodation' issues? Because that would be TOO perfect :smile:
     
  20. roosevelt

    roosevelt New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2006
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    RoyalT;

    No issues, things are tight, but mutually quite pleasant, wonderful, especially considering I'm her first.

    As far as the crazy thing, don't worry yourself too much, you don't know my story, but suffice it to say; my ex-wife was completely crazy, and actually tried to end my life, all the other girls I dated had been at various stages of "crazy" and honestly, I'd just about given up hope on meeting a girl who wasn't somewhat crazy...

    Hold on for a while, and remember that people need to know who they are, and be happy with themselves before they can have a secure identity in a relationship, and be happy with someone else.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted