Help me to understand the mindset of a male FB

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ConstantComment, Aug 1, 2010.

  1. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Perhaps some of you can give me ideas as to what was motivating the actions of my exFB. We met in a bar in 2008. I was with some friends but he and I started speaking with one another. Then he and I moved on to another bar. I had had far too many rounds and so he helped me home and stayed as well. Well, that was new to me and I was sure I would never hear from him anymore.

    Two weeks later he called to say he was going to be in town, could we see each other that night? I already had plans so turned him down. He said he would be back in town in 2 weeks on Friday. He called me the Wednesday of that week and we met up. We met for a drink and chatted and then had sex in the hotel where he was staying. The sex was great. While he would have to leave early for work, he didn’t mind my staying on. I would usually leave around 9:30.

    Things happened like this a couple of times. But there were also a few times he would call as late as 8 or 9 on a Friday night. As I was already out, I would respond a day or a couple days later with the same message either by call or text: “Nice, to hear from you but it would be nicer to have advance notice to get together.”

    Admittedly, twice I agreed to see him when he called me on Friday afternoon. So we got together about 5 times in 2008. I didn’t hear from him for a few months, then he started calling me again. Always on Friday night to see each other Friday night. I would not respond. One time he called me around 3am. During daylight hours the next day, I texted him “what was that about?” He called me immediately after that to apologise.

    In 2009, we saw each other twice but he was much later than he promised he would be. Ok, the sex was good, but I knew this was reaching a low that I didn’t want.

    So I didn’t hear from him in a year. But once again, around 8pm on Friday. I thought about it and wondered if he might have changed. But of course, I certainly hadn’t……. I texted him the second time he did that in this go round with the same message: “Advance notice necessary!” He called me immediately after that, it was Saturday. He wanted to know if I was free that night. I said I had plans. He said that he would be back next week and we would get together. So by Wednesday this week, I thought I would help him along. I texted him with the message “Looking forward to seeing you on Friday what time?” I didn’t hear from him until Thursday. Turns out he was in town then and wanted to know if we could get together. Now, I might have aid yes to Thursday, but not on Thursday. I asked about Friday and he said that he would have to let me know. That was for me the final straw. We he called me around 5:30 on Friday to say that yes we could get together and “I have a few hours” I simply responded by text: “You and I are not compatible. Please don’t contact me again.” I noticed that he left two voicemails after that. One which accused me of standing him up.

    Now here’s the question. For otherwise no strings attached (NSA) sex, why on earth would a man make it difficult to access by continuing to do what the supplier of this NSA sex has expressly asked him not to do?

    I’ve thought of two possibilities here:
    1. The thrill of new pussy was such that he would take his chances with me until 8 or 9 at night.
    2. He couldn’t bear the thought of a woman telling him what to do.

    But maybe you fellow community members can help me with possibilities. Perhaps you men can tell me what goes on inside your head when dealing with an FB and expressly going against the most minimal of requests no matter how reasonable.

    And perhaps you women who have also been party to an FB arrangement can apprise me as to any revelations you’ve made when engaging in this type of relationship.

    The benefit of your experiences are welcome. there's no need though to tell me that I am better off without him. I already know that.
     
  2. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    It sounds to me like he's just one of those people who like to decide what they're doing at the last minute. I've known a few guys (and girls) like that. Personally, I'm like you and would prefer advance notice, although I've been known to give in to the spontaneous calls on occasion.

    I think he probably found it difficult to believe that you REALLY meant that you need advance notice, because he is so far the other way. He just didn't realise it was important to you (through no fault of yours - you obviously tried to make it clear).

    On the other hand, he could just be a bastard who expects you to sit around waiting for his call on Friday nights.
     
  3. idesofmarch

    idesofmarch New Member

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    I've been in such a relationship only once. That relationship had its ups and downs, but I tend to think, that the reason why these people don't want to commit themselves, is selfishness, they want to leave the backdoor open.
     
  4. zpacifico

    zpacifico New Member

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    As long as we have some benefit we are ready to compromise. He wants to fullfill his agenda and you have a different one. He is getting angry because you refuse to comply to his demands. Maybe he is struggling in orgasnising his private life so he could meet up with you. It is easier for him to accuse you for not getting any, rather than to change his tactics. *slurps coffee*
     
  5. Ramsey

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    I've never had an FB, but if I did, I'd certainly be more accommodating and communicate better than that. But this confusion just adds to my thought that these "relationships" don't really work.
    But I have an active social life and I hate sitting around having to keep my schedule open, and if he couldn't bother to arrange things ahead of time, then he's not worth the bother no matter how good the sex is.
     
  6. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    My first thought is to ask if you are sure he isn’t married or in a committed relationship. It’s got to be difficult to make commitments with a FB if you got a spouse who isn’t supposed to suspect.

    While you describe this guy as your FB, I’m not sure I agree. If you were a gay guy like me, I’d call him a trick. Since Webster’s has been negligent and failed to properly define Fuck Buddy – the dolts – we have to make it up ourselves; but somehow, I think a FB should be more buddy than fuck.

    I think you and your FB should be real pals about this, each of you willing to help out the other because you are really symbiotic when it comes to getting off but not otherwise interested in being a couple. There wouldn’t have to be universal rules about short notice, or not, calling late, or not, but there should be a shared understanding between FB’s about getting together.

    You’re not a 24 hour drive-through. Maybe he needs a Fleshlight in his bed stand?
     
  7. HiddenLacey

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    My first thought was he was married or in a relantionship. Why else would he always only be available at certain times and only at night? Did he live out of town?

    Did he expect that you would just never make any plans on a Friday night just in case he wanted you to be available? Not cool at all IMO.

    I don't do NSA/ FB sex. There's just nothing interesting about it for me. I think you should find someone that is available also when YOU are interested in NSA sex instead of someone who wants to call the shots. Just my opinion. Goodluck!
     
  8. thetramp

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    I think your possibilities aren't very far fetched, and i think the idea about him being committed seems reasonable to me too.
     
  9. Gillette

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    He doesn't live in your area, I'm assuming he travels for business. If he sometimes has to entertain clients he doesn't know how long that will be until things break up for the evening. If the clients know he lives elsewhere and is only in town for business (them) he can't very well excuse himself from that activity claiming another engagement without them suspecting something wonky, and that would hurt his business dealings with them.

    Business before pleasure.

    You are the pleasure. That means you're secondary. Sometimes he can plan ahead other times it's on the fly. If he can work the time in, great, if he can't he goes without. You don't mention him being upset when you can't make it. I imagine if he were he'd simply look elsewhere.

    What I don't understand is why you're huffy about what appears to be more an infrequent inability than a stubborn unwillingness to give you advance notice. Frankly I don't understand the need for the advance scheduling. What herculean preparations need you undergo to ride his cock? If you're free and you want to then you go do it. If you aren't free or you don't want to then you don't. Simple.

    This advance notice requirement is straight out of "The Rules". It's used to impress the man with how valuable your time is so he'll feel privileged to be granted some of it. It has no business in a FB arrangement.

    Did you have plans?
     
  10. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    ****Did you have plans? ****

    I did.
     
  11. conchis

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    to me too sounds like a married man. nothing else
     
  12. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    ****to me too sounds like a married man. nothing else ****

    Strangely, I don't know why that didn't cross my mind.
     
  13. tallnlean9

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    One possibility is that he has multiple FBs in his cell phone, decides what order to put them in and waits for a response, then texts the next and does the same thing. Or he texts several at once to see what he can get. It's sexual economics: supply, demand, and preference maximization.
     
  14. conchis

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    I don't know where do you live here in europe, ConstantComment, but in Italy ALL the 'fuck buddies' of a woman are the husbands of another ;-)
     
  15. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Interesting. when I am interested in a guy for a real relationship, the fact that he can't plan is a real red flag that he may be married or has another relationship going. I shouldn't let my guard down in any kind of relationship.
     
  16. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    First, forget getting some ass, someone I had not heard from after a year would have become a distant memory and certainly not someone whose call I would take for any reason.

    Imo, it works out best when the woman takes the lead in NSA relationships - meaning, setting the boundaries and initiating - doing so really cuts down on miscommunication and/or hardheadedness. Combined with having a few dicks in a holding pattern makes crossing this guy off your list at the first misstep that much easier.
     
  17. Bbucko

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    Listen to Concis and _ek: they've made light work of your conundrum.
     
  18. AlteredEgo

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    I would tend to agree with Gillette. My first thought was he can't plan because of the reason he's in town. Either he doesn't know he's going to be in town, or he does, but doesn't know when he'll be free.

    I believe it is also possible that you are not his first choice in that city.

    My last thought is that perhaps he is not really from out of town, but is in fact, as others have suggested, otherwise committed. He occasionally gets himself a hotel room and meets up with one of his favorite fantasy girls for a night of escape from real life.

    I disagree with Ramsey. All of my FWB situations worked perfectly. Every last one.
     
  19. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Thanks everyone for your responses. Just goes to show how even women can have their minds clouded by good sex. For the record, the guy does live about 4 hours away. I have seen articles about him on the internet and while not all questions are answered (like whether he has a wife or a steady girlfriend), everything that he had told me about himself was confirmed by google searches.

    Of course, I don’t know his exact schedule, responsibilities when he comes here, but trying to hold him to agreed upon meeting times and having a planned meeting or one or more days in the future is, IMO, my idea of setting boundaries.

    What this thread reminded me was how I do use advance planning with other men as a way to filter out unavailable men from the available ones. Of course, a guy who makes plans with me a week in advance (and sticks to them) could be dating other women, as I am dating other men, but it does suggest that he is not exclusive to one. I suppose this guy planning in advance the first couple of times was his way to get me to let my guard down.


    It’s sad that people throw out wisdom certainly because they don’t like the messenger. Making advance plans has lots of advantages and is sometimes an absolute necessity. The only reason I can think of as to why others claim not to like it is because they are looking for absolute flexibility when dealing with others. Accusing others of not embracing the "virtue" of spontaneity is a great stick to beat someone with. Planning suggests boring and managerial. Spontaneity suggests free, childlike, alive.

    I come from a family that was spontaneous and I hated it. My father was a workaholic, worked 6 days a week. On Sundays when he was not drugged out on sleeping pills, he would show this burst of useless energy. Dragging us off at one time to get brunch….only for the restaurant to be closing down for that meal; then to go shopping (at a time when not many stores were open on Sundays), so we’d race across the city in search of an open store, any store. Then the idea of movie comes up only for the preferred movie to already be in progress. What did I actually do that day, drive up and down the highways of some Midwestern sprawl. I couldn't even get any homework done. Funny how my parents could plan when people outside of the family were involved.

    Yes, I do like to plan and to look forward to the things I do. Sometimes it requires advance payment and the engagement of someone else’s time. Some people have dependants who need to be arranged for and some people have transportation issues that need to be resolved and advance planning is optimal.

    Could someone please explain to me what value I could derive from being spontaneous? Do people really believe that one necessarily misses so much out of life because they prefer to make plans with friends and expect others to treat them the same?
     
    #19 ConstantComment, Aug 3, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2010
  20. oacliffbuddy

    oacliffbuddy New Member

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    Speaking solely on the issue of spontaneity.... Though I can not fully explain why, I'm one that prefers spontaneity. I find it personally annoying when I call someone to do something and they want advance notice. And similarly it feels weird to me to have to plan something in advance.

    Now, before I get flamed for saying that, I categorically admit this is a flaw of my own making. One of these days I'll figure it out but I daresay it's likely based on something akin to selfishness though I'm not a selfish person per se. For example, if someone called me on the dime and asked if I was interested in going to do something, 90% of the time I'd say sure! It could be said that's because I've got nothing else going on, nothing planned and 90% of the time that would likely be true.

    I'm not shedding any true light here but just sharing my perspective. I'm just a guy that's comfortable being on my own, not answerable to anyone in terms of scheduling. I like spontaneity. Others don't. I don't know, maybe there's a deep seated fear of being rejected or stood up....like....what if I threw a party (scheduled) and no one showed up.....

    I hear and understand.....
     
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