Help me to understand the mindset of a male FB

[oacliffbuddy]

Oh, another thing.... It could be that the guy just ain't horny until he thinks of it at the last moment and then throws all caution to the wind and calls or texts on the off chance you just might be available at that moment.....

I think you're right about the compatibility issue though. Doesn't sound like a match made in NSA heaven.

 

[ConstantComment]

****I find it personally annoying when I call someone to do something and they want advance notice.****

This is the problem I have. Or there are those who are so rude that they'll say "well, I've called all my other friends. I can't find anyone to go with me. Can't you study another evening while we go to this party tonight?."

Oacliffbuddy, if someone makes plans with you , can you keep them?

 

[oacliffbuddy]

****I find it personally annoying when I call someone to do something and they want advance notice.****

This is the problem I have. Or there are those who are so rude that they'll say "well, I've called all my other friends. I can't find anyone to go with me. Can't you study another evening while we go to this party tonight?."

Oacliffbuddy, if someone makes plans with you , can you keep them?

Absolutely!! I HATE finding myself in a position where I might be late for a commitment I've made to someone. I'm not the 'bail out because I have a better offer' kind of guy. Nor do I EVER tell someone they're my second, third or fourth choice. I maintain a high degree of respect for my friends and stick to my commitments but I can tell you, they don't always do the same to me. Those "friends" get minimalized pretty quick when that happens.

 

[TheRob]

frankly it sounds like you are really unreasonable
he and you like fucking but he isn't in town that often, so when he is he tries to get in touch with you, but you turn him down (from what I gather even sometimes when you are not busy) just because you didn't get enough "advanced notice"
basically you are too high maitenence for a FB and even tho he's trying you are still complaining

 

[ck85x65]

regardless, that's really good tea

 

[B_subgirrl]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Just goes to show how even women can have their minds clouded by good sex. For the record, the guy does live about 4 hours away. I have seen articles about him on the internet and while not all questions are answered (like whether he has a wife or a steady girlfriend), everything that he had told me about himself was confirmed by google searches.

Of course, I don’t know his exact schedule, responsibilities when he comes here, but trying to hold him to agreed upon meeting times and having a planned meeting or one or more days in the future is, IMO, my idea of setting boundaries.

What this thread reminded me was how I do use advance planning with other men as a way to filter out unavailable men from the available ones. Of course, a guy who makes plans with me a week in advance (and sticks to them) could be dating other women, as I am dating other men, but it does suggest that he is not exclusive to one. I suppose this guy planning in advance the first couple of times was his way to get me to let my guard down.

I apologise if this comes out sounding mean and judgemental, because it's not supposed to be, but why does it matter to you if a FB has a wife or girlfriend? I only expect monogamy in LTRs. If you have to be monogamous with a FB, what's the point? And you said (I think, I may be misinterpreting) that you are dating other men, so why should he not date other women?

 

[minimag]

I'm all for advance notice. I can't stand doing things "spur of the moment." If I'm already in a nonsocial mood, I don't want people pestering me to do things that night. I need to plan my social outings, so that way I can have a few days to actually get into the mood to be social.

 

[ConstantComment]

frankly it sounds like you are really unreasonable
he and you like fucking but he isn't in town that often, so when he is he tries to get in touch with you, but you turn him down (from what I gather even sometimes when you are not busy) just because you didn't get enough "advanced notice"
basically you are too high maitenence for a FB and even tho he's trying you are still complaining

Perhaps you can tell me where you get the impression that I was at any time that he did call me.

Are are you referring to the 3am call........is the advocacy of spontaneity so strong that others are entitled to steal a person's good night sleep whenever they feel like?

 

[Kotchanski]

Maybe my understanding of the term FB is faulty, but isn't half the point of it that you have someone to call upon when you fancy a fuck and don't have anyone to hand so to speak?

Assuming I'm correct in my understanding, and based on the replies from others I think I am, then it really doesn't lend itself to advanced notice.

You're on different pages, he wants a FB, someone to call when he wants a fuck and can't be bothered having a wank. You seem to want a whole lot more than that, expecting not only for him to guess when he's going to want sex, but expecting him to put you above other activities... That isn't how it works.

Getting all shitty because you failed to form a coherent understanding with someone else and they aren't living up to your expectations when you've already led him to believe you're up for NO STRINGS fun when that clearly isn't the case, seems somewhat... naive.

 

[ConstantComment]

I apologise if this comes out sounding mean and judgemental, because it's not supposed to be, but why does it matter to you if a FB has a wife or girlfriend? I only expect monogamy in LTRs. If you have to be monogamous with a FB, what's the point? And you said (I think, I may be misinterpreting) that you are dating other men, so why should he not date other women?

I wouldn't want an FB that is married or is in an otherwise exlcusive relationship or at least has left that impression on the other person. Maybe it's just karma, I don't want to interfer on thos relationships.

But it is also somewhat selfish as well. Here in the UK you can still name aldultering partner in divorce proceedings. I don't know the implications of that legally, but who wants that on record especially if you were unwitting partner at that.

Another reason is that I don't like being stood up and I don't like people changing plans too much. They are generally the hallmark of a married person who wants to keep it secret. A few years ago a rather fetching guy asked for my phone number. I gave it to him. He called me twice around 5:30 on weekdays, let's meet now. Umm, let's not. The one time we plan to meet, what happens, by the time I show up at the pub he tells me he can't stay long because his sister needs an emergency babysitter and she's looked everywhere for one. Well, three strikes you're out.

But reasonably speaking, even if he weren't married, why would I want to go through each day wondering if he's going to call me and ask me out. I've got lots of friends I can make plans and see instead.

Another reason, also selfish, is that given what wronged partners can get up to, once again I do not want to be a part of it.

When people are multidating, each person in that group, unwitting or otherwise, theoretically get equal weighting. If I make plans with someone on Friday, then I tell other men, Friday is not good for us to get together. If he wants to know why, well, my response would be, we need to go steady for that privilege. And I have noticed that the very guy who will ask what and with whom I am doing on Friday will most certainly dodge the question when it's put to him. Exclusivity has its reciprocal privileges.

An ideal FB arrangement would be for me no matter how often or seldom we get togther, they are firm and we have a nice time together. Since everyone is entitled to their own dealbreakers those are mine and this is why I came back to my senses and told the guy to get lost.

 

[ConstantComment]

Maybe my understanding of the term FB is faulty, but isn't half the point of it that you have someone to call upon when you fancy a fuck and don't have anyone to hand so to speak?

Assuming I'm correct in my understanding, and based on the replies from others I think I am, then it really doesn't lend itself to advanced notice.

You're on different pages, he wants a FB, someone to call when he wants a fuck and can't be bothered having a wank. You seem to want a whole lot more than that, expecting not only for him to guess when he's going to want sex, but expecting him to put you above other activities... That isn't how it works.

Getting all shitty because you failed to form a coherent understanding with someone else and they aren't living up to your expectations when you've already led him to believe you're up for NO STRINGS fun when that clearly isn't the case, seems somewhat... naive.

For me the most basic definition of FB, is relationship in which two people can ejoy sex without the full relationship trappings ie meeting friends, family. I've have never seen the requirment of spur of the moment sex that one party is unable to turn down. Maybe also I am just one of those odd people who actually likes looking forward to a pleasurable experience.

I was very upfront with this guy that I wanted notice. So he is the one getting all shitty about the arrangement.

 

[helgaleena]

I am spontaneous, and one of my loves is too. It means that when we are both in the mood, there is some major serendipity! But most times one or the other of us is not in sync, busy with something else we are not willing to put down, prior commitments, and so on. This is something we do not get bent out of shape about.

With another of my loves we check in regularly, have a 'schedule' together. But it is more a question of reassurance of one another than great lust each and every time. We both want someone we know will be 'there', while remaining open to other adventures.

In both cases, I would say I am the most monogamous of the three of us, as I do not go shopping for extra partners. My dance card is full. I need to do my work too! But I am not sure which of us is actually being a FB, and which of us is an actual SO...

 

[Enid]

Uncharacteristically of me I did not finish reading this thread before I decided to respond, but at any rate: I am similar to your FB plans-wise. Sometimes I can't stand the thought of planning ahead to the next hour much less the following day. I get all antsy with the thought of being tied down to those future plans. So maybe that's what is going on with your FB -- could just be his approach. It could also very well be a business/work thing.

I've never called someone at the last minute for plans and then gotten mad if they weren't available though. That doesn't sit right with me.

When a friend is more into planning head and advance notice, when it is an important thing to that person, then I make a special effort to amend my own approach a bit so as to be considerate. Meet them half-way, in a manner of speaking. I expect the same respect in return.

It does seem as if y'all have a basic personality incompatibility. Sorry it didn't work, but I'm sure there are plenty others who can suit your needs.

:smile:

 

[B_subgirrl]

I wouldn't want an FB that is married or is in an otherwise exlcusive relationship or at least has left that impression on the other person. Maybe it's just karma, I don't want to interfer on thos relationships.

Fair enough. To each, their own :smile:. As long as you make that clear when you begin a FB relationship because it is not always assumed. Your view on this actually seems to be the most common amongst women I've met (and had the discussion with) - I just don't happen to subscribe to it.

But it is also somewhat selfish as well. Here in the UK you can still name aldultering partner in divorce proceedings. I don't know the implications of that legally, but who wants that on record especially if you were unwitting partner at that.

This wouldn't bother me, as long as I was made aware of the situation from the start - I can't stand dishonesty.

Another reason is that I don't like being stood up and I don't like people changing plans too much. They are generally the hallmark of a married person who wants to keep it secret. A few years ago a rather fetching guy asked for my phone number. I gave it to him. He called me twice around 5:30 on weekdays, let's meet now. Umm, let's not. The one time we plan to meet, what happens, by the time I show up at the pub he tells me he can't stay long because his sister needs an emergency babysitter and she's looked everywhere for one. Well, three strikes you're out.

I would have got rid of that one too. Don't like being fucked around.

My married FB (open relationship) won't make plans with me unless he can keep them. He does need to keep it from his wife, because they don't share info about who they play with and when. So he is extremely careful of when he makes plan, and then he keeps them.

But reasonably speaking, even if he weren't married, why would I want to go through each day wondering if he's going to call me and ask me out. I've got lots of friends I can make plans and see instead.

Oh, I agree with this point entirely. I was just curious about your concern that he might have had a wife/girlfriend.

Another reason, also selfish, is that given what wronged partners can get up to, once again I do not want to be a part of it.

Good point. Who wants to get stuck in the middle of a scary situation?

When people are multidating, each person in that group, unwitting or otherwise, theoretically get equal weighting.

Not with me. His wife comes first and that's the way it should be. That doesn't mean he disrespects me. But she will always come first.

If I make plans with someone on Friday, then I tell other men, Friday is not good for us to get together. If he wants to know why, well, my response would be, we need to go steady for that privilege. And I have noticed that the very guy who will ask what and with whom I am doing on Friday will most certainly dodge the question when it's put to him. Exclusivity has its reciprocal privileges.

I expect monogamy in a LTR and I give monogamy in a LTR. In a FB relationship I neither give it, nor expect it. However, I do expect (and give) total honesty ie. do they have a girlfriend, wife, other FBs, etc.

 

[ConstantComment]

When a friend is more into planning head and advance notice, when it is an important thing to that person, then I make a special effort to amend my own approach a bit so as to be considerate. Meet them half-way, in a manner of speaking. I expect the same respect in return.

:smile:

this is interesting because I know a fair few people who get tired of those who can't commit or definitively say they won't come until the very last minute. the feeling is that they're holding out for a bigger better deal and it is considered insulting by the one who is issuing the invitation.

People who have trouble committing (one way or the other) in good time are sometimes taken off the invite list.

 

[Gillette]

It’s sad that people throw out wisdom certainly because they don’t like the messenger. Making advance plans has lots of advantages and is sometimes an absolute necessity. The only reason I can think of as to why others claim not to like it is because they are looking for absolute flexibility when dealing with others. Accusing others of not embracing the "virtue" of spontaneity is a great stick to beat someone with. Planning suggests boring and managerial. Spontaneity suggests free, childlike, alive.

~snip~

Could someone please explain to me what value I could derive from being spontaneous? Do people really believe that one necessarily misses so much out of life because they prefer to make plans with friends and expect others to treat them the same?

It might allow you to unclench for one thing. I didn't say there was anything wrong with wanting to make plans in advance. It's in making it an absolute requirement and rigidly insisting that another person abide by your personal code when they don't always have the ability to do so that you become unreasonable.

I was very upfront with this guy that I wanted notice. So he is the one getting all shitty about the arrangement.

In what way is he getting shitty? He was still calling. It's been my experience that when a casual connection becomes problematic people simply drop the connection.

this is interesting because I know a fair few people who get tired of those who can't commit or definitively say they won't come until the very last minute. the feeling is that they're holding out for a bigger better deal and it is considered insulting by the one who is issuing the invitation.

People who have trouble committing (one way or the other) in good time are sometimes taken off the invite list.

Meow.

By the same token if you lecture others when they suggest spur of the moment activities the way you've lectured this FB and some on this thread, chances are that you won't be the person they think to invite when their boss gives them tickets to the theatre or to the big game for that very night. Actually if you're in the habit of lecturing people and insisting they only deal with you on your terms you may expect that they won't think to invite you to anything, ever before long.

What doesn't bend, breaks.

What's silly to me is that you continued for so long. Why keep insisting he follow your rules when it was apparent that, for whatever reasons, he isn't able to do so? If it's just a casual thing why would you not have just told him that the two of you weren't on the same frequency, no hard feelings, let's part ways?

Instead you've let this continue for over two years to the point where you're huffy enough about it to start this "what is wrong with him" thread.

Now here’s the question. For otherwise no strings attached (NSA) sex, why on earth would a man make it difficult to access by continuing to do what the supplier of this NSA sex has expressly asked him not to do?

1. You're ignoring that he is also supplying you with sex. If the sex isn't rewarding for you as well I expect you wouldn't have responded to his first call.
2. As soon as you try to change the other person outside of the sex itself then it ceases to be a no strings attached arrangement.

 

[ConstantComment]

****What's silly to me is that you continued for so long.****

He was calling me. This is why I put an end to it, pointing out that we are incompatible and therefore, don't call me again. When I think about it, he did things the way I liked at first to suck me in and did a bait and switch on me. He could have told me upfront if I didn't like last minute requests then he will no other choice than to stop calling me. Each time I tried to have "open, honest" discussions with him, he missed the opportunity to tell me what his needs were.

ETA: ****Instead you've let this continue for over two years to the point where you're huffy enough about it to start this "what is wrong with him" thread.****

I'm not asking what's wrong with him. I am asking for other people's input to understand him and his type better. There are a lot of situations in which I find people doing things that I don't understand. Is it so bad to use a message board to gather other people's experience in similar situations?

 

[Gillette]

I'm not asking what's wrong with him. I am asking for other people's input to understand him and his type better. There are a lot of situations in which I find people doing things that I don't understand. Is it so bad to use a message board to gather other people's experience in similar situations?

From your first post.

Now here’s the question. For otherwise no strings attached (NSA) sex, why on earth would a man make it difficult to access by continuing to do what the supplier of this NSA sex has expressly asked him not to do?


But maybe you fellow community members can help me with possibilities. Perhaps you men can tell me what goes on inside your head when dealing with an FB and expressly going against the most minimal of requests no matter how reasonable.

"No matter how reasonable" sets up you and your stance as being in the right. (It isn't for everyone at all times)
"Why on earth?" & "What goes on inside your head?" are blatant "What's wrong with you/Why is your thinking so abberant" questions.
"Expressly going against it" sets him up as deliberately acting to annoy you. (Which he probably isn't)

Had you just said you were frustrated by this situation, you couldn't think of a reason and did we have any ideas then it would have been merely asking for input as you said. But when you go into such detail, outlining your affront and 'how you told him' at every step, plus the fact that you'd already made a decision to end it prior to posting it reads to me like a vent to girlfriends. "Sympathize with all I've endured, agree with me that he's an idiot/asshole and congratulate me for putting my foot down."

That you've attacked any post that doesn't confirm him being a villain only confirms this impression.

Why must you be right and he wrong? Can you not just be different?

 

[Enid]

this is interesting because I know a fair few people who get tired of those who can't commit or definitively say they won't come until the very last minute. the feeling is that they're holding out for a bigger better deal and it is considered insulting by the one who is issuing the invitation.

People who have trouble committing (one way or the other) in good time are sometimes taken off the invite list.

In my particular case, it is most certainly not about waiting for a bigger and better deal. In very plain terms, I have Tourette Syndrome and therefore I am very careful about the social situations I choose to participate in (and sometimes I change my mind at last minute depending on tics and mood and all that). I do sometimes get antsy at being tied down to plans, especially when I don't know what kind of day I will be having a week from then. I never fully commit when I don't know for sure.

It isn't always about waiting for something better. It may not be with your FB, you never know. Not everyone is so opportunistic.

 

[L_Lynn]

To put it succinctly, it seems that he wanted the Fuck and you wanted the Buddy. (And I say that in the sense that a "buddy" is someone you want in your life because they work well in your life.) Regardless of his reason for not calling in advance, or your reasons for needing plans in advance, you two were not compatible. Does it really matter why?

I had an FB situation once that similarly did not work out. The few times we had sex, it was great. Friendly but no strings attached. The problem was that he was unreliable. Between his kids and mine, we could rarely sync up our schedules, and when we did make a plan (whether a week ahead or an hour ahead), most of the time it did not happen. This went on for about a year and after one too many times of waiting to hear from him or waiting for him to show up, I said forget it. As well as we might get along, as great as the sex could be, I need reliable people in my life in any capacity and he just wasn't.