Help me understand

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Imported, Dec 1, 2003.

  1. Imported

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    aceofhearts: I have been a lurker here a long time but just registered. Mainly because I thought I could get some advice. So here goes... I have been married for 4 years. I love my wife but we do have arguments now and then, which is normal. But there is one facet of her personality that is really a problem and I don't know what to do. She gives gifts not for the recipient but to make herself feel good (at least the way I see it). For instance, she came home today with food for me from a restaurant (not leftovers). However, she knows I'm very picky about where I eat. As a matter of fact, I now go online and check Food Inspection Records before going to any restaurant. So she brought me home this food and I went to the computer to look up the info on the restaurant. Well, they failed inspection and were cited for uncleanliess and signs of rats and mice. So naturally, this was a no-brainer for me. I could not eat the food. My wife then started to cry and said that she was only trying to do something nice for me. I thanked her for the food, but explained I cannot eat it. She always gets overly melodramatic. What am I supposed to do? How can I deal with this? It keeps repeating and does interfere in the relationship. A lot of the time I cannot say what I really feel, just so she doesn't start crying.
     
  2. Imported

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    Tender: wow ,
    youre not my hubby are you?
    *squints* nah just look like him :D
    Tender
     
  3. jdoe86

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    I don't want to start something, but you are very "anal" You need to tell her you are sorry and make it up to her. I worked in food back in high school and you should have seen the things that were done. You would never eat out ever again! Then again, how clean is your own home? Do you follow every health code? Food at the right temps? Think about it.
     
  4. Imported

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    ORCABOMBER: I don't think it's her problem, I do think you've got a bit of a diplomacy problem with her at the moment though. Personally I wish I had a woman who was that caring.. *sighs*

    Anyway, on topic, I think Geo has a point, yes, restauraunts aren't great, but for her she made a lot of effort and as far as she thinks, you've chucked her effort back in her face. I can't really respond on a "what to do", but talk to her at least!
     
  5. Imported

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    Donk: When you say she "always gets overly melodramatic" do you really mean always? Or is it more like for a period of about a week about once a month?

    That may sound like a joke, but I'm actually being serious. It's an unfair cliche that all women behave strangely when they're having their period, but some women really do display noticeable mood shifts at that time of the month and will tend to get overly dramatic about things that normally wouldn't phase them. Trust me, I've been there.
     
  6. Imported

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    str8_nnj: ......jeeezzz Ace....has she ever brought you a shirt you didn't like?
                               ever given you a birthday card that missed the point?
                               done the laundry and didn't fold the clothes to your satisfaction?
                               maybe forgets to get the gas tank full when you have to use the car?

    Maybe it's her way of trying to please,or possibly she's at her wits end...but bringing you food from a resturant
    seemed like a fairly normal thing to do. Did you mention to her that you must check out everything she does before you give her approval?. Now what seems like
    melodramatic to you, could just be frustration on her part

    Getting advice from any group anywhere is just that...
    advice and opinons...if you continue to have issues..and you want to resolve them....seek professional help!!!

    Something to consider Ace...your post was 17 lines long,you said the word "I"...18 times...(I'm once)...and the word "we"...once
     
  7. Pecker

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    Your response to her hurt feelings should have been conciliatory - you should have offered to immediately take her out to dinner at a nice place to make up for it.

    Now - you must stop trying to find fault with everything you eat. Not only are you making yourself miserable, you are heading for long list of phobias that will definitely ruin your life and the lives of those you love.

    Pecker

    "Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?"

    "Looks like the backstroke to me, sir."
     
  8. Imported

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    str8_nnj: Pecker...
    ..fly in the soup? Thats meat... now we have to charge extra!! :D
     
  9. Imported

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    Tender: no, no,
    sir the soup is now free! its on us!
    enjoy, and come back soon....
    :D
    Tender
     
  10. Imported

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    wvalady1968: [quote author=aceofhearts link=board=women;num=1070313525;start=0#0 date=12/01/03 at 13:09:45] But there is one facet of her personality that is really a problem and I don't know what to do.  She gives gifts not for the recipient but to make herself feel good (at least the way I see it).   [/quote]

    To get back on topic, Ace, you know your wife better than we do, but this sentence stood out for me.

    Without getting too far into that old philosophical discussion re 'everything we do is ultimately for our own satisfaction', I don't understand why this is a problem for you. Could you expand on this?

    I enjoy doing special things for those I care about. It gives me pleasure in many ways. But, if it goes unappreciated or I feel taken for granted, I can whip out the tough love really fast.

    Is she fawning? Is she too needy? Is that what's happening? Because I sense there's something here that is going on under the surface or something you haven't explained.


    Allie
     
  11. Imported

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    GreenEyes: It is all perception.

    My perception of this is that your wife is a caring woman and that is probably one of the traits that drew you to her. She wanted to do something nice for you but you didn't see it as nice but a waste of money.

    I hope you realized that she went out of her way to buy you something she thought you would like. She physically went to the restaurant, waited for the food, payed for it and then drove it to where she knew you would be. In her mind she was probably feeling good about it all and attempting to be romantic or what not. Just something special to do for YOU.

    Now I can understand how you feel about certain restaurants. We all have our pet peeves however sometimes those pet peeves should be thrown out the window. Did you ever think of sitting down and feeding her or having her feed you. Make it a play thing and then simply be intimate with her. (Even though I think about sex and what not intimate doesn't always mean sex just in case others interpreted that)

    You are anal retentive as Geo wrote. Again we all have things that irk us. If however the behavior interfers with our life or relationship you need to take a step back and see if it is a problem and what can you do to rectify it.

    If it isn't too late go send her a dozen roses. Take her to a restaurant you feel has good standing and what not.

    Did you ever think that since that restaurant didn't meet standards that they are more on the ball now to make sure it will not happen again. Hmmmm perhaps that restaurant didn't pay off somebody hence the low standards.

    As far as the comment about her period. I can say it is true at my end. Certain things get at me more during that time of month. Usually a couple of days after it is overwith. Strange thing is I am usually the horniest during that time and also emotional.

    I hope some of this has put it in perspective or gave you some things to think about. Again this is the internet and we do not know who or what you are about. You need to do right by you and your wife and only the two of you can figure that out.
     
  12. Imported

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    gicast: Hello, I agree with most of these posts but something reall struck me as I was reading them.

    I too, have a hubby that's hard to please in some aspects. I cannot buy him a shirt, pants, socks, anything because it's not his taste. It's very frustrating and demeaning. It makes me feel that my decisions do not count and my effort is unappreciated. I too, have felt emotional about this and it wasn't my period! When your actions/kindnesses are constantly put down (words aren't the only way) then you start to have major feelings of inadequacy. Please, aceofhearts (your name really doesn't suit this conversation) look for ways you can show your wife you appreciate things she does for you, even if you have to MAKE yourself.

    Did you ever think that maybe she does give 'gifts not for you, but to make herself feel good' because that's the only enjoyment she WILL get out of it? Since you obviously don't show any appreciation? The only enjoyment she can get from doing something for you, IS only for herself. Looks like she is a giving person, that's hard to change even if the person GETTING is less than gracious. AND giving does make a person feel good. Shouldn't it? Why else give? You feel good making others feel good.
     
  13. Imported

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    Vincentr1: Slightly off topic but I once new a busboy that like to jerk off into the pancake batter at IHOP. :mad:
     
  14. Imported

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    Savannah: I am really trying to tone down my response to this thread.

    Ace: I'm sure, in time, your wife will learn not to surprise you with gifts ("to make herself feel good"). Perhaps if you posted on the refrigerator a list of "acceptable" spontaneous gifts???

    Also, with a little luck, she'll find someone who is responsive to her generosity and the spirit with which she gives.

    Thank the Goddess I'm single.

    Savannah
     
  15. Imported

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    roedhunt: [quote author=aceofhearts link=board=women;num=1070313525;start=0#0 date=12/01/03 at 13:09:45]
    She gives gifts not for the recipient but to make herself feel good (at least the way I see it).    [/quote]

    I'm just curious as to what gives you that impression? Because she gets happy when she gives someone something? Does she throw it back in their face when someone doesnt give HER something? People give because they are doing something for someone ELSE, instead of themselves. Does she ever buy for herself (or should I say, do you ALLOW her?)? A crockpot doesnt count...


    [quote author=aceofhearts link=board=women;num=1070313525;start=0#0 date=12/01/03 at 13:09:45]
    So she brought me home this food and I went to the computer to look up the info on the restaurant. [/quote]

    SHE brought home food, and you went straight to the COMPUTER? Nice one... How considerate of YOU.

    [quote author=aceofhearts link=board=women;num=1070313525;start=0#0 date=12/01/03 at 13:09:45]
    I thanked her for the food, but explained I cannot eat it. She always gets overly melodramatic. [/quote]

    Have you ever thought its because of YOU she gets melodramatic? Could it be you are just not appreciative? Perhaps when you were younger, people only gave you things with a price to pay?

    [quote author=aceofhearts link=board=women;num=1070313525;start=0#0 date=12/01/03 at 13:09:45]
    What am I supposed to do? How can I deal with this? [/quote]

    Maybe you should ask yourself, what is SHE supposed to do? How can SHE deal with YOU?

    [quote author=aceofhearts link=board=women;num=1070313525;start=0#0 date=12/01/03 at 13:09:45]
    It keeps repeating and does interfere in the relationship. A lot of the time I cannot say what I really feel, just so she doesn't start crying. [/quote]

    Now it sounds like YOU'RE being melodramatic.... You say its interfering in the relationship... how? Because YOU'RE the one getting upset? You need it this way.. You dont want it that way....SHEESH.... Does there have to be vacuum lines in the carpet too? And finally, you can't say what you really feel? Maybe its HOW you say it and WHAT you say...

    You know what gets me... When someone has a problem, it's never THEIR fault.. Its someone elses... Perhaps you need to look at YOU. What kind of husband are YOU?
     
  16. Imported

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    ORCABOMBER: Erm, do we know if he's even read this?
     
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