HELP! my gf wont have sex with me!! :(

[HazelGod]

i'm at a loss....i feel it is selfish to maybe break up over this..but i know i will never be happy the way this is going.

DTMFA. ymmv

 

[dolfette]

you can't argue someone into wanting sex.
you can only argue them into not wanting it.

pressure kills libidos.

 

[je1ani]

no stay with her, its your fault not hers, you need to start working out more bro

 

[D_Sparroe Spongecaques]

My sex drive went by the wayside when i was depressed.Admitting i was depressed and going to see the doctor was incredibly difficult incase i was seen as a failure.

Anyway,the upshot was i did eventually go see my doctor and he gave me anti depressants which once they had kicked in gave me abit of 'VaVaVoom' and slowly but surely my sex drive returned.

Stress is another factor,is their anything stressful (apart from knowing you want more sex) going on in her life?

Now,PLEASE read this bit how it is meant.......is she bored with the sex? Sometimes things so get staid and too 'samey'....imo that itself is enough to make me not want sex.

If i was in your boat i'd not mention sex AT ALL and share cuddles etc etc and see if that,when the pressure is off,gets things going abit.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

you can't argue someone into wanting sex.
you can only argue them into not wanting it.

pressure kills libidos.

This.

Her sex drive is lower than yours. There will either be a way to fix it so the two of you can be happy or there won't. Maybe she already is happy and it is you asking about it that makes her say she'll change, but in fact she doesn't want to. In which case you two just aren't compatible and it is time to move on.

Try having a conversation not about 'we should have more sex' because with that conversation you are saying 'you are broken, we must fix you' - besides, you've tried that, it isn't working. Try having the conversation that focuses on HER and what SHE wants - not on YOU wanting more sex. Ask her if she is happy with the sex as it is, both the quality and frequency. Ask her to be honest with you, tell her you don't think there is anything wrong with her and that you want her to be happy and comfortable and you are just trying to understand if she is happy with the way things are.

THEN you can get on to the fact that you are not happy. After all, maybe the best solution would be to reduce YOUR sex drive, not increase hers - why does she have to move to suit you?

Of course meeting in the middle would be the best way - a compromise with which both of you can be happy. You might find you can both be happy with really quality sex once a week.

We will argue about it, she will promise over and over to change/fix the problem, and it never will be fixed. I wanted to fix this, so I took her on a 3 day vacation to a tropical destination, got a couples massage, took her out to a $200 dinner complete with roses and champaigne, and still no sex ALL WEEKEND. Not once.

Just for the record, your girlfriend is not a whore. I think you know that but please try to remember that however much you spend on her she does not OWE you sex as direct result. OK?

I bought her a sexy little outfit, to try to make her feel sexy..she never wears it. She bought an outfit too...she has never worn it. I have bought 3 different kinds of lubes to make it fun...didnt help. I bought her these fancy cute handcuffs, because she mentioned its a huge turn on...I got them at christmas, she has never once used them with me, infact she lost them. I bought a sexy board game thing to heat things up..she never wants to play.

These are things that turn YOU on - they clearly do not turn her on. Don't buy any more 'sexy' presents unless she explicitly asks for them.

 

[dolfette]

i'm with you there manly.
the ''i bought her stuff, so she should fuck me'' thinking isn't a good sign.

a person can't promise to want sex. that's just fucking stupid.

would he want her laying back & hating it, wishing for it to be over? because that's what the promise of more sex would mean if her libido has died.

 

[justacynic]

Dude, you are incredibly young and getting stellar advice that I wish I had gotten at your age. Look at the majority of what experienced, wise people are telling you: At best, your g/f needs to get checked out by a doctor to see if there is a 'fixable' reason for the low sex drive. You will not have any idea what really goes on between her and the doc since you won;t be in the room. i.e. Is she going to really explore every option or discuss the details of what's going on with her? well, I'm likely projecting a bit with that last comment.

Here's the bottom line: you are sexual. She is not. If this affects your happiness now, imagine it being this way for years more. If this is her attitude now, do you think marriage is going to change her perspective? (No).

Get out. Start over. Stay friends if that works for you. But the pain of breaking up now is far far far less than what it could be 10 years from now.

And if you are given some kind of line about not having a mature reason for breaking up, you can say the reason is very mature: there is no passion and you are knowledgeable enough about yourself to know that will not work.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I think my question would be has your sex life always been like this? Even before you started living together. Has it always been once a week? If if has then I would say her sex drive could very well just be different than yours.

Otherwise, there could be a whole bunch of things bothering her. IMO it could be depression, but do you know that you are satisfying her in bed? Seriously, though some women are different I am going to tell you how I feel. Everytime I have sex, I want an orgasm. None of this I just want to be close to you BS. It is nice and I understand it may not happen everytime, but I want it to happen most of the time. This could be part of the problem. It is just a suggestion, I'm not saying it is your problem, but I wanted to bring it up.

Also as Wish was hinting at, intimacy in other parts of your relantionship may also be part of the issue. IMO, I want my boyfriend to hold me and kiss me and hold my hand, spoon with me, etc. Emotional intimacy before the sexual intimacy or I'm never going to get anything out of the sex and be less interested in it overall.

Goodluck!

 

[Riven650]

I agree that you are getting some great advice here. Particularly the stuff about don't make her feel guilty about it. But there's another possibility that has to be considered. At your age I was living with a girl I was deeply in love with. In the early stages of our relationship we had a lot of sex and there was nothing wrong with her sex drive, but despite her continuing to be fun loving and flirtatious in company, and still appearing to have plenty of sex drive (she was after all only 20 something) our sex became a little difficult, and I seemed to want it more than she did. Within a few months it was really difficult. I started suffering from premature ejaculation. My self esteem dropped through the floor. She started coming home from work later and later, often having been out drinking with friends. I tried to engage her in conversation about it. I racked my brains. Eventually, she announced she had found herself a flat in town and was going there as a 'trial separation because she thought it might do us some good'. Her parting shot - through gritted teeth - was to let me know that she had never been faithful to me. I was devastated.

Quite obviously, the guilt she was feeling about having sex with other guys behind my back was haunting her in the bedroom. No wonder she couldn't look me in the eye. No wonder I got nervous. No wonder it destroyed us. Hope this isn't happening to you.

It took me a very, very long time to get over that relationship. I obviously had far too much invested in it. Part of the problem was that we were young. We met when I was 24 and she was 18. She seemed mature for her age but we rushed into living together when she didn't realise she hadn't finished playing the field. Of course, it was very bad of her to cheat on me and lie, but perhaps foolish of me to put my trust in someone so young - particularly when my parents were clearly worried about it.

I didn't intend to make this all about me, but I wanted to make the point that good sex is not just about physical things, nor is it about what toys you bring into the bedroom, or how big your dick is, etc. It's 99% what's going on in your heads. I think you should ask her if she'll go into relationship counselling with you. If she's not interested (my gf wasn't) then I'm afraid it's time to rescue yourself from the situation before it destroys you, and leave her.

 

[B_Hickboy]

Ronnieboy, I think prostitutes will be your answer. You'll ultimately spend less money, something you're obviously worried about, and you get to have sex with a woman whose needs (other than monetary) you don't have to be concerned with. That way you can fuck all you can afford without ever having to change anything about yourself, and can avoid all that icky emotional intimacy.

IMO, you sound like an indignant, whiny little kid who put money in the Coke machine and it didn't give you your drink.

 

[B_New End]

Quite obviously, the guilt she was feeling about having sex with other guys behind my back was haunting her in the bedroom. No wonder she couldn't look me in the eye. No wonder I got nervous. No wonder it destroyed us. Hope this isn't happening to you.

yeah, she lost his handcuffs. Ouch. Probably still on some dude's four post bed.

 

[B_Craiggers]

I'll be callous and just say get out now.

This is significant enough an issue for you that you're going to be forever unhappy. It's better to let things end now than try to suffer through it and have them end further down the road when you're more significantly committed to eachother.

 

[ZachMorris]

If you two have never had sex, or the sex has stopped, maybe you should just ask her why she's not interested in having sex with you.

Buying your girlfriend nice things doesn't mean she'll have sex with you, usually. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, well maybe she's not attracted to you.

So, first things first:

1. Ask her about sex, ask why she doesn't seem interested.

2. Determine if sex is very important to your relationship, it usually is.

3. Look at your situation. Does she work, do you work, who pays the bills, when was the last time you both had sex and what were the circumstances.

4. Determine if the relationship should continue or end. Don't do this first.

 

[B_Craiggers]

They do have sex, probably once every 10 days or so (he says once a week if he's lucky).

But he's a lot more interested in it than she is.

 

[nicenycdick]

I understand this problem. I have lived it. I have had to decide between cheating on the woman I love who I've spent 30 years with...or resigning myself to a life without sex. Check out my blog written when I first became a member here. You might gain some insight. http://www.lpsg.org/blogs/nicenycdick/when-is-an-affair-ok-300/

Good luck.

 

[Embrace69]

Not saying this is her problem at all but I've been in a situation similar where I didn't want to have sex with my bf because simply I wasn't that attracted to him in that way. I am a sexual being, I just wasn't sexual with him, I tried I just couldn't do it. Turns out I love him, I just wasn't in love with him or sexually attracted to him.

Living with someone complicates matters but since you both are still young with no children, I'd advise you two to seriously sit down and talk about it. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel down to the last iota, be blunt about your feelings. You may seem like you're being selfish but each person is different, their sex drives are different if you guys aren't compatible that way it's not going to change 10 years down the road. You will end up very unhappy (more so than you are now) frustrated and angry with yourself.

Put yourself first in this situation, your happiness should mean #1 to you. If you're not happy, she's never going to be happy. If she's not happy, you're never going to be happy. See? The whole relationship synergy circle...

Best of luck to you, I know this one is rough.

 

[somctic]

got to page 2 an couldn't read any more as i'm a slow reader

in a similar boat to you buddy, but once a week, count yourself lucky lol! i'm trying to think back to the last time.....

9years together, 3 years living together, sometimes it's 5 times a week, few times a day, other times it's once or twice a month, lets just say me and my hand get close from time to time

That said i love her and ride the rough with the smooth

anyway...

Are there any stress issuess on her part? exams, work, money, family ect.

 

[Not_Punny]

Well, Ronnieboy, this is a very complex problem. There are MANY reasons a gal has a low sex drive -- stress, depression, hormonal problems, etc. etc. And then there's the possibility that she is not THAT much into you and/or sex.

The first 6 - 12 months of a relationship is the "blooming" stage, where everything is roses, and you fuck like bunnies. Her brain chemistry was elevated because of "new love." Now the "new love" stage is over, and she has reverted back to her NORMAL brain chemistry -- which is (apparently) either: (a) not that sexual, (b) depressed, (c) stressed, (d) affected with hormonal problems.

What you have to understand is that while your relationship was new, she WAS a different person, because "new love" always alters a personality. Now she is back to normal (for her), and you don't like what you see.

So let her visit the doctor -- if that doesn't change her hormones/chemistry, you have to decide whether you can live with her "normal" or not. She's perfect for someone, just maybe not you.

 

[ConstantComment]

I was in similar situation and I'll give you some advice that I plan to live by:

1. If the past affects our relationship in any way, then my partner needs to let me know. So no amount of abuse, depression whatever counts unless I am informed about it. and then I have the choice to decide if I can deal with that or if we need to start over with new partners.

2. If the problem is physical, then they need to be seen to be doing something about it.

3. Have that open honest discussion once, and certainly not more than 3 times. Talking really is overrated but since everyone advises it, I do it to make absolutely certain. To give an example, my guy derailed every conversation with "I don't know what you're comfortable with." Finally, he just said, I guess you're just a poor comunicator. When I asked him, what's the use then of being together, he backtracked.

4. You shouldn't have to ask for what you want too many times. Manual and oral stimulation of the labia and the clitoris are plain vanilla for me. I give so it should not be too demanding to want to receive. He thought otherwise. The next time around, my patience will have a much shorter horizon.

4. Sex is an important part of a romantic exclusive relationship. I can deviate --somewhat-- from my ideal, but there is a limit to that. No need to do anymore soul searching on that one.

 

[B_crackoff]

A lot of opinions here!

I've lived with 10+ women. None of them went off sex. None however seemed to have the stable background your GF has. I'd bang them 3 times a day every day, but after a year, I went off it. That was a problem!

It's very unfair for other posters to suggest she needs to see a doctor! That just represents an infantile approach to dealing with stuff as an adult, using other so called professionals as in locus parentis.

If you smooch, cuddle & spoon - your relationship is fine! She likes sexual frequency less than you, but what's it like when you do? If it's good+ then that's another positive sign, & obviously a bit negative if it isn't.

Many women change their mindsets when you start to cohabit - she's probably thinking of the future, a career path, when to have a baby, & where to live - lifelong objectives - women do this all the time.

Men, including you, just think - when am I gonna get laid again!

So the mindset between just wanting to shag someone, & having an enduring relationship is completely different.

So, does she talk about the future - yours together? If so, & you love her, chill out - it's your hormones, not hers - just have a wank!

The only concerns I'd have, would be if she wasn't talking about & planning your future, in which case - you're a stop gap relationship for a serial monogamist.

A lot of guys feel an increased need to copulate with their partner when they feel that they may be cheating, or that they don't love them as much as they used to - I believe it's a throwback to the old - get her preggers & she'll stay.

If, as I suspect, all is fine however, is there anything else you could be doing? Going out with friends, study, a hobby you're neglecting?

You could be just too absorbed in her - you need to do things that you want to do too - outside of the bedroom. It sounds a little like she holds the power in this relationship, even if she acquires it passively.

Get out, have fun, don't be her poodle. You have to be a man, not a wuss. You may both find this rewarding, & if she doesn't like it, she'll either start feeling scared, & initiate more sex to get you back around her more, or she'll start bleating, & saying maybe she'll change, which you really should just ignore.

Either way, you'll be spiritually & emotionally more fulfilled. There's a world of wonder outside your bedroom walls!

Edit: Oh yeah, don't take people away on expensive trips in order to persuade them to have sex - it doesn't work. You only do that as a reward for having an amazing relationship, or to impress naughty new partners!