HELP! my gf wont have sex with me!! :(

[idesofmarch]

Waht you get here, is lot's of guesses. None of us are doctors, so that's all we can do.

All those explanations sound like excuses, and very much like me in my younger days. I did knitting, cleaning, and anything to get my boyfriend to sleep so I didn't have to have sex with him. This only, because I wasn't ok with my sexuality. I wanted to, but was brought up in a way that I felt dirty and ashamed about it all the time.

I married the first time when I was 29, and my husband was 14 years older. He finally got me to understand that there was nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't know what advice to give, even suggesting therapy might hurt her feelings, but if you tell her how much you love her and agree to go there with her, she might agree.

I really hope you find a solution, and big hug to you, take care!

 

[pain4anangel]

I agree with PrincessTasha. Speaking from experience, depression is one thing that can screw up your entire life. It was the first thing I thought of when you mentioned the sleeping pattern change (sleeping more). That's just my guess.

 

[HazelGod]

Just for the record, your girlfriend is not a whore. I think you know that but please try to remember that however much you spend on her she does not OWE you sex as direct result. OK?

These are things that turn YOU on - they clearly do not turn her on. Don't buy any more 'sexy' presents unless she explicitly asks for them.

i'm with you there manly.
the ''i bought her stuff, so she should fuck me'' thinking isn't a good sign.

I do agree with you, ladies...but to be fair, that isn't quite the male thought process. It's more a misunderstanding on his (and many men's) part that fancy evenings out and lavish gifts leads to a happy woman, and happy girls have looser panties. :tongue:

 

[helgaleena]

Depression has a cause. Let us hope that nothing in your relationship itself is causing the depression!

I say this as one who found out that chemical imbalance underlay lifelong depression. But your gf was less depressed earlier on, if that is it...

Moving on with your separate lives may give relief to you both, or staying in the comfortable sameness and fixing things, which presents a different sort of challenge.

It is up to you whether the benefits are greater from staying or going. Where Did she lose those cuffs, after she hinted at wanting to try them? hmmm?

 

[dolfette]

I do agree with you, ladies...but to be fair, that isn't quite the male thought process. It's more a misunderstanding on his (and many men's) part that fancy evenings out and lavish gifts leads to a happy woman, and happy girls have looser panties. :tongue:

but from the other side...

as soon as he walks through the door with a gift, or announced a romantic weekend, i'd get a horrible sinking feeling of dread because i knew that this meant he'd be trying to seduce me later.

a bunch of flowers really did just make me want to cry, because i just couldn't face sex...but no matter how much i tried to tell him that i needed more time, he still thought that making me happy for one evening would be the magic wand that'd work better than therapy.

 

[suiseki]

I'm gay, your straight...i understand that.....a few years ago i hooked up with a guy that was very sexual. we had sex all the time. Three or for times a week. He wanted to move in with me, i liked him a lot so i agreed. As soon as we started living together, he started to cut the sex back. Slowly at first, then to the point is was once every few months. Sometimes when they get what they want........well, you know

 

[big_tits4big_dicks]

I'm surprised how many people think buying your lady things, or taking her out makes her a whore if she then puts out. Interesting. I never thought he thought flowers or outfits were a fix all, or that gifts=fucking. I thought he was thinking of her, men are told women like to be treated to dinner, and flowers are romantic. Any movie will show the thoughtful romantic guy with gifts and an evening planned, he is called Prince Charming! If my husband showed up with a new dress for a fancy dinner, I would not start a fight about how this makes me a whore, and now he must expect some pussy! I would think I have a sweet guy that loves to do nice things for me, because I am loved.

You are not a bad person, or a whiny child for wanting a more passionate relationship. There are things we want in life, and it's ok for someone to not be able to give you that. Neither of you are in the wrong, you just may be wrong for each other. Having standards does not make you an asshole, no matter how many people will try to convince you of that. People always gave me shit for wanting what I want as well.

 

[dolfette]

I'm surprised how many people think buying your lady things, or taking her out makes her a whore if she then puts out. Interesting. I never thought he thought flowers or outfits were a fix all, or that gifts=fucking.

it's not intended that way, obviously.
but the shade of it is there.
there's often a resentment at being rejected even after you spent x amount on trying to be romantic.

those things are great in the right context!
but once they're attempted bandages for broken drives they change in tone.

he wants to have sex, he thinks he'll be romantic, he guys flowers.

or

he wants to have sex, he buys flowers.

it's all in the interpretation and the mood between the two people involved.

i know that for me, had he done those sweet things and not done them because he was thinking about sex, i'd have felt a lot less pressured.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I'm surprised how many people think buying your lady things, or taking her out makes her a whore if she then puts out. Interesting.

That is not what I said.

My point is that a man expecting sex because he pays for dinner is akin to treating a woman like a whore.

That is in NO WAY the same as saying that a woman having sex with her boyfriend in the normal course of their relationship after he happens to have spent money on her is a whore. And quite frankly you are a silly bint for not being able to differentiate.

And what is with this attitude of 'putting out' - as if sex is a commodity that women have control over. That is not a healthy attitude to sex. :no:

 

[dolfette]

putting out does kinda imply that it's not something she enjoys.

 

[big_tits4big_dicks]

omg...we have way to many hang ups on slang and wording, so...PEACE! I'm out...

 

[HazelGod]

It's interesting to see the cultural influences at work on both sides. For the men, the message is that it isn't acceptable to be blunt about your carnal desires...you must ply the silly, sentimental female mind with the trappings of love and affection in order to get the pussy. For the women, there's the fun double standard to deal with...it's desirable to have men shower you with expensive gifts and attention, but then what? If you don't "put out" in reciprocity, you're a heartless bitch and/or a nasty cock tease...but even if you are genuinely attracted to a guy and fuck him, then you're a prostitute, which carries its own set of stigmata.

It's all stupid nonsense. I've said before that human beings aren't stamped from cookie cutters. There are no formulaic methods to elicit responses and behaviors universally, and there are no defined levels of desire or drive that constitute OK vs. broken. Dolfette was on-the-money about pressure, though. It's not just true for women or regarding sex. Whining, begging, wheedling and other forms of pressure from others to get me to do anything are almost certain to elicit a response opposite their desired effect...and I'm certainly not alone.

To the OP: as others have said, there's nothing wrong with you or with your GF...you're just at a point of incompatibility. Perhaps this is a transient phase that she'll come out of, perhaps not. You have to ask yourself whether the sexual disparity between you overreaches the other aspects of your relationship, and do so considering the very real possibility that she will always be like this. Then evaluate your options. You can just suck it up and deal, you can discuss a sexually open arrangement so you can get your rocks off more often, you can fuck around without her knowledge, or you can break it off with her.

Given your youth and relative inexperience with life, I recommended the latter choice (DTMFA, as Dan says). I personally wouldn't compromise something this important at such an early age...the odds are too high that you'll have time to come across someone with whom you're more compatible.

 

[Enid]

omg...we have way to many hang ups on slang and wording, so...PEACE! I'm out...

ManBan has very little hangups, thankyouverymuch, and why shouldn't we pay attention to wording? Words are a major part of how we EXPRESS ourselves to others and therefore are extremely important in getting our points across effectively.

I find any hint/whiff of expectation and I'm immediately turned off. I hate being expected to do something or be a certain way, I feel caged. A "tit for tat" mentality where it concerns sex is a big big turn-off.

To the OP -- I'm sorry, but it seems as if you & your girl are incompatible sexually. You recieved some great advice earlier in the thread though, I agree with everything ManBan & NotPunny said and good luck. I wish you all the best.

 

[dolfette]

I find any hint/whiff of expectation and I'm immediately turned off. I hate being expected to do something or be a certain way, I feel caged. A "tit for tat" mentality where it concerns sex is a big big turn-off.

gawd yeah!

if a guy is just accepting of what i'm willing to do then i'm a fountain of kink.
but if a guy is like, ''i licked you, now you blow me'' then i'm ice.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

A lot of opinions here!

I've lived with 10+ women. None of them went off sex. None however seemed to have the stable background your GF has. I'd bang them 3 times a day every day, but after a year, I went off it. That was a problem!

It's very unfair for other posters to suggest she needs to see a doctor! That just represents an infantile approach to dealing with stuff as an adult, using other so called professionals as in locus parentis.

If you smooch, cuddle & spoon - your relationship is fine! She likes sexual frequency less than you, but what's it like when you do? If it's good+ then that's another positive sign, & obviously a bit negative if it isn't.

Many women change their mindsets when you start to cohabit - she's probably thinking of the future, a career path, when to have a baby, & where to live - lifelong objectives - women do this all the time.

Men, including you, just think - when am I gonna get laid again!

So the mindset between just wanting to shag someone, & having an enduring relationship is completely different.

So, does she talk about the future - yours together? If so, & you love her, chill out - it's your hormones, not hers - just have a wank!

The only concerns I'd have, would be if she wasn't talking about & planning your future, in which case - you're a stop gap relationship for a serial monogamist.

A lot of guys feel an increased need to copulate with their partner when they feel that they may be cheating, or that they don't love them as much as they used to - I believe it's a throwback to the old - get her preggers & she'll stay.

If, as I suspect, all is fine however, is there anything else you could be doing? Going out with friends, study, a hobby you're neglecting?

You could be just too absorbed in her - you need to do things that you want to do too - outside of the bedroom. It sounds a little like she holds the power in this relationship, even if she acquires it passively.

Get out, have fun, don't be her poodle. You have to be a man, not a wuss. You may both find this rewarding, & if she doesn't like it, she'll either start feeling scared, & initiate more sex to get you back around her more, or she'll start bleating, & saying maybe she'll change, which you really should just ignore.

Either way, you'll be spiritually & emotionally more fulfilled. There's a world of wonder outside your bedroom walls!

Edit: Oh yeah, don't take people away on expensive trips in order to persuade them to have sex - it doesn't work. You only do that as a reward for having an amazing relationship, or to impress naughty new partners!

I don't agree with all of this but there is some very good advice in here.

Being in a proper loving relationship isn't about a constant fuck-fest on tap for the rest of your life, and I'm not saying this is what the OP may be envisioning but there's an element of that in his thinking.

If you love someone (and they really love you back) then you're prepared to stick with them even if they frustrate you in some ways, because you trust that they love you enough to grow and develop out of the habits that frustrate you, and that by being honest with them about how you feel they will make themselves aware of ways in which they can improve the relationship.

This applies to sex no more than any other behaviour. The OP's GF might not be in a thrice nightly phase in her life right now, the OP may find that extremely frustrating, but if he and his GF really love each other then for the period of this phase in their sex life then other aspects of their relationship should (for now at least) be more than enough to compensate.

If this is not a proper loving relationship and only a stop on the way, so to speak, for both of them then the lack of constant sex might be a more serious issue.

 

[HazelGod]

I find any hint/whiff of expectation and I'm immediately turned off. I hate being expected to do something or be a certain way, I feel caged. A "tit for tat" mentality where it concerns sex is a big big turn-off.

Exactly. I'm not interested in running your fucking Skinner box, and I'm definitely not interested in anything you don't freely desire to do.

That's why I'm not very much into blowjobs...it isn't that they don't feel good, it's that so few of the women in my experience have enjoyed giving them. There's a huge difference between a woman sucking your cock because she just can't get enough of you everywhere, and one who does it because that's the next step on your routine's checklist or so you'll take out the trash or accompany her to the mall. To me, sex isn't about trading favors...in fact, that's about the most un-sexy approach I can imagine. It's about reveling in the pleasures of the flesh with your partner...getting lost for a time in the passions you evoke in one another.

 

[Enid]

That's why I'm not very much into blowjobs...it isn't that they don't feel good, it's that so few of the women in my experience have enjoyed giving them. There's a huge difference between a woman sucking your cock because she just can't get enough of you everywhere, and one who does it because that's the next step on your routine's checklist or so you'll take out the trash or accompany her to the mall. To me, sex isn't about trading favors...in fact, that's about the most un-sexy approach I can imagine. It's about reveling in the pleasures of the flesh with your partner...getting lost for a time in the passions you evoke in one another.

I think my panties are wet.

 

[Wish-4-8]

but once they're attempted bandages for broken drives they change in tone.

Damn thats good. I love it!

omg...we have way to many hang ups on slang and wording, so...PEACE! I'm out...

Its a semantics orgy!

 

[HazelGod]

I think my panties are wet.

If you'd like a corroborating opinion... :wink:

 

[HorsemanUK]

Sounds suspcious that she has suddenly decided she doesnt want sex, she could be cheating. Not to be awful but id confront her about no sex damaging the realtionship and if she has no intention of having sex shortly I think a realtionship break is on the cards. I think alot of posters are missing the point here. It seems they have gone from a realtionship with sex, suddently to her not wanting it at all with the OP. Now why is that? its not as though the OP hasnt tried his hardest. I think its a issue with her not the OP and it needs to be met head on directly with her been confronted about how she is harming the realtionship.