HELP! my gf wont have sex with me!! :(

[dolfette]

 

[pain4anangel]

I think it's nice he at least has tried to work on things and get buy things to spice things up instead of just giving up and dumping her! Any counselor will tell you that too (although some people have a problem with counselors). He really cares about her and actually put effort into things which is more than I can say for a lot of men.

And to the Crackoff who thinks:
"It's very unfair for other posters to suggest she needs to see a doctor! That just represents an infantile approach to dealing with stuff as an adult, using other so called professionals as in locus parentis."
That's pretty f*ed up. You have no clue if there may be an underlying condition. Sudden changes in people's behavior usually indicates something is wrong...duh. And it's quite possible that something is medically related. Maybe she doesn't have anything wrong, but it's better to rule that out as a possibility than ignore something that might be harmful. I bet you don't believe in mental health disorders either. I can go on a huge tangent about that, but I will stick with the topic and shut up now.

 

[B_crackoff]

I think it's nice he at least has tried to work on things and get buy things to spice things up instead of just giving up and dumping her! Any counselor will tell you that too (although some people have a problem with counselors). He really cares about her and actually put effort into things which is more than I can say for a lot of men.

He just wants to get laid a lot more! He's as much as said that if he doesn't get more action, he's off for more. He's 25 & his hormones are fighting with his heart, even though she sounds great.

And to the Crackoff who thinks:
"It's very unfair for other posters to suggest she needs to see a doctor! That just represents an infantile approach to dealing with stuff as an adult, using other so called professionals as in locus parentis."
That's pretty f*ed up. You have no clue if there may be an underlying condition

OMG, you could say that about anyone or anything!
Sudden changes in people's behavior usually indicates something is wrong...duh.
They moved in together - double duh!
And it's quite possible that something is medically related. Maybe she doesn't have anything wrong, but it's better to rule that out as a possibility than ignore something that might be harmful. I bet you don't believe in mental health disorders either. I can go on a huge tangent about that, but I will stick with the topic and shut up now.

There is nothing that the OP's thread that suggests she has anything wrong with her at all!

Shock horror - woman wants sex less than man - after they moved in together, & suddenly confronted the occassional drudgery of domestic life!

It's not a mental health issue! It happens when people get married too.:biggrin1:

Furthermore, it's no wonder people with real mental health issues can't get the treatment they desperately need when spurious crap like this, & narcissitic self-obsession clogs up a professional's time.

So many people seem unable to grow up & realise that maturity does not require a continual need for affirmation & acceptance. People who have the shittiest lives can't actually afford the luxury or indulgence of treatment.

 

[Gecko4lif]

I skipped the first page and really it seems to me it boils down to 1 of 2 thing

1. Accept she has a low sex drive and deal with it

or

2. Dump her.

Seeing as how you like everything about her besides the lack of sex I would think you would go with 1

 

[HorsemanUK]

Doesnt seem like a low sex drive, the way the OP explained it sounded as if the sex side of the realationship was fine. Then suddendly she has no interest in the OP sexually. Now that is suspcious and I lay the blame at the door of her on this occasion.

 

[Gecko4lif]

Doesnt seem like a low sex drive, the way the OP explained it sounded as if the sex side of the realationship was fine. Then suddendly she has no interest in the OP sexually. Now that is suspcious and I lay the blame at the door of her on this occasion.

That only changes things slightly though

It still comes down to accept no sex or dump her.

Investigating why she is no longer attracted to him will in all likelihood lead to one of these outcome


You could always bet on the long shot happy ending though

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

There are seasons in every long term relationship where something like this can happen. It can be entirely his fault, not his fault at all, not her fault.....it could be deliberate. She could be upset at him for something else. She could be having awesome sex with him once a week, but to him it's not enough. She could be making herself have sex with him merely that seemingly often to her and it's rare for him.

There is a honeymoon phase and when it's gone, the one with the still active sex drive is very disappointed. If everyone chose to leave their spouse on these terms alone, we've have nearly a 100% divorce rate.

Sex isn't that big of a deal until you aren't getting any. But it is not the entire formation of a relationship. It can be the biggest thing in your life going wrong. She could be having sex with no enjoyment what-so-ever, or merely making herself do it once a week and still enjoys herself but it's hard to get in the mood.

The guy might be wanting her to do things she's not really wanting to do and that could be turning her off and making her surprisingly *lose* the handcuffs he bought for her.

This could be entirely benign, but based on the efforts he's put out to try to get her to put out, he might be turning her off by trying harder. And like someone said, if you back off entirely you might never get laid.

It's a delicate issue, i suggest non-religious counseling, for yourself, for her or together. Or wait and see and give it some time. Maybe backing off for a little longer might do the trick.

I've gone through months of zero sex drive. My husband rarely approaches me for sex, but is 98% of the time willing to have sex if i approach him. We always have a good time. But sometimes we had no sex for months at a time. Never years at a time. But he never was the one with the high sex drive so it wasn't as huge of a deal for us. He'd jack off like once a month when we didn't do it for 3-6 months. But we didn't just not touch one another. I might have been going through a crazy alien transformation of emotions and hormones, but i still jacked him off, gave him oral sex or let him hump my leg if he wanted to.

It was rare that i turned him down during that time. Had he left me for that reason, we'd be having to explain a lot to our daughter. We worked through it and sex once a week is average for us some weeks. As long as we are functioning in other areas of our relationship it is a good sign we are still doing fine. If we are fighting constantly, then every part of our marriage is growing cold.

Sex isn't the glue that holds everything together, one day you will be very old, very feable, sick and you might not be able to have sex, or the other person might not be able to. You can still love each other very much and still be intimate without intercourse. People do it all the time.

 

[Tickled Pink]

Someone should compile a book containing all of the wonderful advice many posters write on this site!!!

I have read the whole of this thread and agree with the majority of the advice given, now it is down to the OP to decide his next move.

Good Luck Honey x

 

[Ed69]

This.

Her sex drive is lower than yours. There will either be a way to fix it so the two of you can be happy or there won't. Maybe she already is happy and it is you asking about it that makes her say she'll change, but in fact she doesn't want to. In which case you two just aren't compatible and it is time to move on.

Try having a conversation not about 'we should have more sex' because with that conversation you are saying 'you are broken, we must fix you' - besides, you've tried that, it isn't working. Try having the conversation that focuses on HER and what SHE wants - not on YOU wanting more sex. Ask her if she is happy with the sex as it is, both the quality and frequency. Ask her to be honest with you, tell her you don't think there is anything wrong with her and that you want her to be happy and comfortable and you are just trying to understand if she is happy with the way things are.

THEN you can get on to the fact that you are not happy. After all, maybe the best solution would be to reduce YOUR sex drive, not increase hers - why does she have to move to suit you?

Of course meeting in the middle would be the best way - a compromise with which both of you can be happy. You might find you can both be happy with really quality sex once a week.



Just for the record, your girlfriend is not a whore. I think you know that but please try to remember that however much you spend on her she does not OWE you sex as direct result. OK?



These are things that turn YOU on - they clearly do not turn her on. Don't buy any more 'sexy' presents unless she explicitly asks for them.

How would a man do this?What would you recommend,castration maybe?Boiling oil?Please tell us GODDESS what should us poor stinky men do to reduce our sex drive?

 

[dolfette]

how do people magically increase their sex drives?

her suggestion was in part sarcasm. duh.

 

[Ed69]

Double duhh!On both of you at least my sarcasm was obvious!

 

[dolfette]

you should try the boiling oil and report back.

*waits for rover to arrive & start yapping*

 

[invisibleman]

I'm at a loss....I feel it is selfish to maybe break up over this..but I know I will never be happy the way this is going.

please please someone..anyone help..ladies, this is probably your area..so just anything...any advice PLEASE...

Maybe, you should breakup with her. You spent a year with her and she gives you randomly occasional sex. DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE HAVING A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT WITH HER?

I wouldn't want a "rare sex" sexual relationship with someone. If the passion isn't there, someone else will have it and more with you. It isn't selfish either.

 

[dolfette]

I wouldn't want a "rare sex" sexual relationship with someone. If the passion isn't there, someone else will have it and more with you. It isn't selfish either.

true.

sexual incompatability is a very good reason to break up.

she might meet a guy who is happy with less sex, which would take pressure off her.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

How would a man do this?What would you recommend,castration maybe?Boiling oil?Please tell us GODDESS what should us poor stinky men do to reduce our sex drive?

Excuse me for asking what is, perhaps, a rather obvious question but what makes you want to discuss this as a general man / woman thing?

This is a particular relationship issue between two individuals - in this case a man and a woman. The man wants to have sex more often than the woman does. My answer is in direct respond to his question and the information he posted. Why are you choosing to extrapolate that this is a general problem and that men in general should be trying to reduce their sex drives?

From what I have understood from your posting and that of your wife you two are generally compatible and that you work together to solve problems, sexual and otherwise, that my arise in your lives. So why on earth would you think that my answer pertains to you and your situation or to men in general at all?

And why do you associate men with smelling bad? I don't. No one else on this thread has mentioned odour either, not that I've noticed. Why mention it?

 

[B_subgirrl]

There is a honeymoon phase and when it's gone, the one with the still active sex drive is very disappointed. If everyone chose to leave their spouse on these terms alone, we've have nearly a 100% divorce rate.

I really hate that you can't tell what someone's normal sex drive is during this phase. My ex seemed to be an OK match for me during the honeymoon phase. Once that was over it turned out he had almost no sex drive at all. A really bad match for me and my super high sex drive. Maybe I should ask them before we decide we want a LTR - 'Excuse me, but could you tell me what your sex drive is like when you aren't in the honeymoon stage?' Or I could give them a questionnaire :biggrin1:.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I usually have an incredibly high sex drive. My husband never really did. In fact, he was largely afraid of sex. At first this was a really big deal, but over time my drive waned. I first thought it was to match him. Then I started gaining weight and thought it was the weight gain. Then I started to be tired and sleepy all the time. I thought my low drive (which by then was lower than his) was because I was tired. Eventually I was diagnosed with diabetes, and a month or two after I began taking medicine for that, my drive returned with a vengeance. So this makes me wonder if it's at all possible that there is a medical issue no one knows about.

Now, there are times when I would be more interested in sex if my husband approached me differently. I don't mind if he objectifies me. However, it is one thing to feel like a sex object, and another to feel like a collection of sexy parts. I'm not sure I'm expressing this well. Sometimes my husband makes me feel like a walking ass, or a walking pair of tits. At those times, I don't like the way he touches me or talks to me. He also gets turned on when I resist being tickled. I don't like to be tickled. So when he is tickling me and then wants to initiate sex, I shoot the idea down at those times too. But there are ways for him to get what he wants. For example, if instead of tickling first, becoming aroused, and then approaching me for sex, he would instead approach me for sex, get ME turned on, pin me and ticke me and then continue being sexual with me, that would work. So i wonder if there are these things in your sex that are almost right, but are wrong enough to make her dread sex, like the whole tickling thing with me.

 

[B_crackoff]

I really hate that you can't tell what someone's normal sex drive is during this phase. My ex seemed to be an OK match for me during the honeymoon phase. Once that was over it turned out he had almost no sex drive at all. A really bad match for me and my super high sex drive. Maybe I should ask them before we decide we want a LTR - 'Excuse me, but could you tell me what your sex drive is like when you aren't in the honeymoon stage?' Or I could give them a questionnaire :biggrin1:.

You should obviously just choose guys who like sex & nothing else:biggrin1:. It's your main relationship criteria. Men don't go off sex, just get bored with sex with the same person, so it becomes less frequent, but frequently more perverse!.

Some men have higher boredom thresholds than others! They probably cheat less too - I expect they don't experiment with what they eat either.

Altered Ego - I believe I sort of know your guy's history a bit from previous postings, but remember, when a guy is doing that kind of stuff, he's doing it to turn himself on - that makes him feel in the mood.

I suggest he takes note from you, but when you're feeling horny, & he isn't - using his tickling approach on him would probably get you some action. Men aren't machines either!

 

[B_subgirrl]

You should obviously just choose guys who like sex & nothing else:biggrin1:. It's your main relationship criteria. Men don't go off sex, just get bored with sex with the same person, so it becomes less frequent, but frequently more perverse!.

There are a lot of other things I would look for in a man or a relationship, but you're right - sex is my number one relationship criteria. I'm not very happy in general if I don't get sex regularly. I've also seen quite a few relationships of others go off the rails when the sex isn't good (although I realise the sex may not be good because the relationship is off the rails). I'm aware that few men will have a sex drive as high as mine so I know that in a LTR I'd probably have to settle for less sex than I'd like, but I'd still like to have someone with an average sex drive at least.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I'd still like to have someone with an average sex drive at least.

What's that then?