help please

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by WesleyJ, Jun 17, 2009.

  1. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    hey all,
    if you were in a longdistance relationship and then found out your boyfriend was giving webcam shows on cam sites sometimes, would you be bothered??
    im quite hurt by it but it doesnt seem to be a big deal for him...
    i suppose its not the same as cheating but i duno i kind of feel like its a betrayal of trust..
    am i being overdramatic?:frown1:
     
  2. Jake90

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    If it's something that he has agreed not to do and then has gone ahead and done it, you have a right to feel betrayed. Also if he has lied about doing it.

    Otherwise, I understand if he thinks it's not a big deal. You don't say if he knows how you feel. If you haven't told to him, you need to. Now! Hope you can work something out...
     
  3. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    For one thing, I have always found out that long distance relationships do not last. It seems people have a hard time being faithful.
    Did he lie to you about this? How did you find out?
    Sounds as if you both need to have a long talk. You need to tell him what bothers you.
     
  4. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    thanks for the reply jake,
    no he never agreed not to do it or lied about doing it, it had never really come up one way or the other! im just worried tho because its through the same cam site that i actually ended up meeting him!!
    the onlllly comfort though is that his relationship status is listed as 'committed' ...

    yeah he does know how i feel but he just said i havnt done it for ages but if i feel like it ill go on, im a free person. hes a real free spirit anyway so i dont want to seem petty and constricting him and stuff, but i would like to be able to feel secure that im able to fully satisfy him and he doesnt have to go on camsites.

    on the otherhand.. it is a longdistance relationship so were not always together so obviously im fine if he wants to look up porn but is this different to just watching porn?

    ah im confused :(
     
  5. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    Well, that kind of explains it.
    You met him on this cam site and now it bothers you that he is still on it.
    Maybe this is something he cannot give up.
     
  6. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    yeah but i dont think its even like a frequent thing but you're right, the fact he is still on it does bother me!
    am i stupid for getting concerned though and over-analyzing and over reacting??
     
  7. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    I would say it is definately different to porn...the satisfaction from being actively involved rather than just watching is often a buzz....i have and still sometimes do the cam4 thing sometimes just watching,sometimes performing and occasionally cam2cam...it depends how i'm feeling and i think its fair to say its the same for him and everyone else.

    Have you thought that the attention he is getting actually compensates for you not being around? I wouldnt worry too much about it even though its understandable how you could be feeling hurt...he should be doing things with you....but the compensation factor is probably most at play here...wait for the next time your together and you will get the reassurance you need from how he treats you when your not apart.
     
  8. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    thanks mitchymo
    yeah i get how its a different buzz, but i do give him all the attention that i can over msn/phonecalls etc plus we frequently cam together on msn.
    but ur right maybe its the times when im not around that he just goes on to compensate?
    we're together at the moment and up to yesterday all was fine and i felt totally comfortable but we had a big fight yesterday over something stupid and then last night i found out this so its all a bit overwhelming and my head is messed up, which is why i really do appreciate ur advice m8!
     
  9. Jake90

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    Hey Wesley, you have to decide whether you are prepared to force him to choose between you and camming on the site. You met him through the site so presumably you were attracted to him either through seeing him camming or through sharing some chat with him. You are also attracted to his free spirit which is what makes him feel free to show off on cam - I guess if you could change him he wouldn't be the guy you fell for in the first place. Maybe you can learn to live with that and let him be himself? Personally I think I'd be able to do that and even enjoy knowing that other guys find him hot.

    Also, you're not there for him 24/7 and if he's got a high sex drive, he probably needs more than you can give him right now, being a long-distance relationship. If it's good when you do cam together then maybe that's enough?

    All I can say from my own experience is that I've been too clingy in the past and not allowed a guy to be himself. I would do it differently if I had my time again...

    Hope that helps mate but you have to figure out for yourself what you're comfortable with.
     
  10. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    I think mitchymo may be right. He may be doing this to compensate for you not being there. Sounds as if it is something he enjoys and you too cuz that is how you met. If it turns into something else or more frequency then maybe get concerned.
     
  11. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    i think the thing that worries me most is the thought of him talking to other guys in a sexual way and him wanking off for them, it just makes me feel really buad.
    but
    i never thought about it like that and i suppose you're right! really good advice mate and ill take your advice about the clingyness thing aswell. (or at least try to!) :p
    i think i need to change my mentality rather than change him.
     
  12. vlls

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    personally... it would turn me on if my gf did smth like that... but thats just me ;)
     
  13. DiscoBoy

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    Honestly, you should be talking to him about this. Not to try to stop him from doing it, but just to express your concerns so that he can at least attempt to set your mind at ease. Like you said, it does say he's committed, so it's not like you're forgotten.
     
  14. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    hehe cool mate :) its great to hear everyones different take on it
    what wud turn you on about it?
     
  15. houtx48

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    what's the web address?
     
  16. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    its really difficult tho, i tried talking but i just came across as being all possessive needy and confining, its just tough to explain myself properly, i end up feeling stupid
     
  17. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    haha not gonna happen! ;)
     
  18. DiscoBoy

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    If you're having trouble communicating over something as trivial as this, then things don't look good for the long run. Fix that.

    Think it through before you talk to him. So, just prepare a short "speech" or whatever, tell him exactly why it bothers you and listen to his response. Just don't let your emotions take over and try not to throw around baseless accusations.
     
  19. WesleyJ

    WesleyJ New Member

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    i know the jist of how it would go tho.. for example the arguement we had yesterday which was about a stupid difference of opinion (prior to any of this cam stuff) ended with him saying that hes a free spirited person and doesnt want to feel confined or that he has to conform and that he thought that i 'got' him and that maybe im not the person he thought i was. which obviously made me really upset, then the cam thing came up so i didnt want to push it to much or make a massive deal about it cos it would just put me in an even worse light in his eyes.

    the general concensus of people seems to be that its not a big deal though, which is comforting.
     
  20. Jake90

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    It's hard to judge just from reading your posts, but if I'm reading it right you (secretly?) would like to be more like him, in which case what you said about changing the way you relate is probably the way forward. Maybe you came across more adventurous when you met because of this.

    And what the other poster said about his g/f: I don't think I'd mind a b/f being a porn star as long as I was the one waking up with him every morning in bed - quite a turn on that other guys could only dream of what I had for real!
     
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