1. unabear09

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    Hey all,

    I need some help....bad. So I was at work tonight, when I got a call from one of my best friends (who happens to be married to one of my relatives). She was crying and informed me that her husband came in today and asked for a divorce. I was devistated, as they have been kinda like parents to me over the years. Here's a little background.

    She had some really bad health problems about 15 years ago, and he, being the dedicated husband that he is/was, stayed by her side thru thick and thin. Well, after her health problems got better, he kind of picked up where he left off in his life. He would go out and party with friends, go listen to music, go drinking, etc, like they would do (as a couple) before she got sick. She, on the other hand....got stuck. She had some depression problems, but over the last 5 years or so, changed into a 'monster.' She became totally demanding, manuplative, and down right abusive towards him. The last year or two were really bad with them. She got to where all she would do is sit in front of the tv and essentually vegitate. She got to the point that she was almost like a child. She made him do pretty much everything for her. She stopped cleaning house, keeping up the lawn, cooking for herself...well you name it and she stopped doing it. She became so demanding and degrading of him, there were many many points in time where I would just have to leave their house out of disgust with her. In fact, on several occasions, I stopped having anything to do with them/her from months on end.

    I guess what I need help on is....well, I love them both to death. I understand why he has chosen to leave her (my father is in a very similar situation with my mother, but he is so bound to his 'good Christian morals and values' that he will die from exhaustion due to taking care of her), and actually applaud him for having the courage to leave her. My issue now is, how do I maintain my friendship with her and maintain my relationship with him, without getting caught in the middle? Right now I am so totally heartbroken that I am ill. I want to be there for her, as she really doesn't have many friends (that aren't his), her family isn't supportive of her, and well...she's never really ever had to support herself. What do I do? I had a few brief conversations with friends at work, and they all have said that I need to be there for both of them...to listen what they say, but to stay out of it.

    I've kind of known that this day was coming, but now that it is here, I'm totally lost. What do I do? What do I say to her when she starts bashing him? Right now I want to be there and be supportive of her, but honestly, I want to keep my distance from her until things kind of well...settle down, but at this point in time, she really doesn't have anyone to turn to. I also worry that she'll do something to harm herself. HELP!
     
  2. str821

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    The most important thing to remember is that you must not affirm the negative things that either one of them says to you about the other, even "under the strictest confidence." The worst thing that could happen would be for one of them to hear in an argument that you agree that . . .

    Good luck.
     
  3. Stephenmass

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    Listen to your friends. STR821's advice is spot on too.
     
  4. dreamer20

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    You are aware of the facts of the matter. She treated him badly and now he wants out of the marriage. I have no sympathy for her, neither should you. She's made her bed and now she must lie in it. Should she bash him, say it's not nice for her to bash him who took good care of her for so many years. In fact as she did not support herself, and was waited on hand and foot in the marriage, she should get adequate spousal support payments. That will be one less thing for you to worry about re: her supporting herself post the divorce. If there is any hope of saving the marriage they should seek marriage counseling together. Follow your instinct and stay away from her until there is either a reconciliation or divorce.
     
  5. unabear09

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    *BUMP*
     
  6. 8060

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    It's never easy settling a dispute between family members. If you decide to get involved, the situation will probably get worse before it gets any better. Her health problems sent her through a change and she's the not the same. Her husband isn't either with all of the effort that he put into taking care of her. If you were to do anything in trying to help them, it might be to paint a clearer picture for the both of them of how they are NOW. That will take some serious finesse that I think you're very well capable of. Once they see the new "them" it might help to change their thinking on the way they act towards one another and bring them back to place of harmony in their lives. If you decide to intervene in their lives/problems, then do it with love and hope for the best.

    Good luck, unabear!
     
  7. dreamer20

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    Is the divorce final as yet?:confused:
     
  8. unabear09

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    yeah... it was finalized at the end of last year. She's done amazing since the divorce. She has a job and is supporting herself 100%...she's close to being the same person she was before she got sick.

    He on the other hand, has turned out to be a huge piece of shit. In the divorce decree, he was to sign over the deed to the house by the end of Feb. 2010, and has yet to do so. He was to take on all of the debt, yet he has yet to pay a penny of it, so she's getting harassed by debt collectors. He tells all of their friends (most of which he's stopped talking to all together) that they talk on a daily basis, which a complete load of shit. He's really showing his true colors. Oh, and it turns out he was cheating on her for at least a year, and has shacked up with her (who is a derranged lunatic...10X worse than his ex).

    I'm actually ashamed to call him my relative. I love him, but the way he has treated her and treated his now former friends is dispicable. Hell, even his mother is astonished by his worthlessness.
     
  9. Stephenmass

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    Divorce gets ugly and brings out the "nastiest" that a person has and I honestly think lawyers have a lot to do with it getting really nasty. Spite is not uncommon. Only thing I can add here Unabear, is don't judge him or her by the way they handled the divorce between them and the lingering problems with it they have now, like the house, etc. Those really are not your concern.

    Your concern is how both of them treat YOU. Divorce aside (as it should be) how do they treat you? Not what you may have heard ("worthless piece of shit he is") but how he in real life treats you.

    It's easy to judge from the sideline when you hear this and that and blah, blah, blah.

    Use your own common sense and don't side with one or the other based on their own spite between the two of them. It's too easy to get caught up in the middle without realizing it.
     
  10. helgaleena

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    I am sorry to hear that now he's able to play fair with her he can't bring himself to do so. She probably had depression problems because she knew he was deceiving her and did not want to face the truth. They are both better off and he will be forced to realize that his problems in life were not due to anyone but himself. He was there for her but somehow was absent on other levels.
     
  11. unabear09

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    You have described the situation and my feelings about them precisely.
     
  12. unabear09

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    The big kink here is that the only time he ever had anything to do with me when they were married was because of her. Now he doesn't call me, doesn't see me...just like he's done with 99% of his friends. He's treated me like shit and has always resented the fact that I am friends with a lot of his friends. He's a douche bag, and I feel that way 100% because of the 'relationship' we have with each other and not because of anything she's told me.
     
  13. D_Rosalind Mussell

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    You pretty much took the words out of my mouth. As always, you are a voice of reason. Thanks for that.
     
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