He's had better-Jealousy

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Uno1014, Sep 13, 2011.

  1. Uno1014

    Uno1014 New Member

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    Before we were together, my current partner and I used to have casual sex, and he once told me that I was not the best sexual partner he'd had.

    Now that we're together, I find this constantly plays on mind. Often halfway through sex I'll lose the drive and desire to continue because of it, and even outside of sexual scenarios, It crosses my mind most days, even without any real reason to and usually has quite a negative impact on my emotions. Between it, and some other jealousy/self consciousness issues, it's rare a day goes by without me ending up feeling like dirt for a fair portion of it.

    I've discussed how I feel with him a few times, and each time we talk it through, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm also worried if I keep bringing it up I'll seem too needy and whiney, and it will cause turbulence.

    Does anyone have any hints on how to deal with anything like this?
     
  2. D_Somer_Zieve

    D_Somer_Zieve New Member

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    Well are you still fucking and does he seem to enjoy and don't look anywhere ...if yes he is satisfied and your just troubling your self for nothing
     
  3. Stephenmass

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    Ric, your pics are pretty hot man. Confused about your str8/gay percentages. To the original OP, I agree if you constantly bring it up you will come across as needy and whiny. But at the same time, if what he said was true at the time, but as time goes on you learn more from him or as your partner may not believe, him from you, perhaps that will erase itself. At this point in time I don't think it should matter as much as it does for you. Is the sex good? Does he love you? If everything else seems to be in place I wouldn't let a "one time comment" get in the way of enjoying my man. It's a mental block. Let it go and thoroughly get into the moment. Become a nympho if you will with him. Shock the shit outta him....take control and f the living daylights out of him and see what he says about that. Be unpredictable. Enjoy your own unpredictability!!
     
    #3 Stephenmass, Sep 13, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2011
  4. hockeysweat

    hockeysweat New Member

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    So wait, he only said this during the period you were casually fucking, before you became 'partners?' How long ago was that? What do you two say when you 'talk it through?'
     
  5. dolfette

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    1, unless you explicitly asked him to tell you if you were the best or not, he's an insensitive arse with the manners of a pig.

    2, if i were to serve you the second best meal you've ever eaten, would you wolf it down, enjoy it, sit feeling stuffed and satisfied afterwards? or would it just make you pine for the one other meal you ate in your life that was better?

    3, sex can be improved upon. you can get better. find out what drives him wild. practice and enthusiasm make perfect.

    nobody is the best at everything. he's with you for a reason.
     
  6. Phil Ayesho

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    There is a spot on the spectrum of borderline personality disorder, where the behavior manifests in the kind of shit your boyfriend spouted.

    Narcissists often open relationship by being very engaging and attractive, while making seemingly offhand comments that undercut their partner's self esteem.

    They may imply that you are not the most attractive, or talented, or intelligent partner they have had.

    Partly, this is projection, underlying narcissism is a severe lack of genuine self-esteem and fear that others will find fault, coupled with an inability to self examine.

    And partly this is a power issue... putting their partner at a disadvantage and making them feel unattractive, or that they could not "do better".
    Often, they will seem to really admire or respect some other aspect of your character... usually one in which you are not subject to self doubt... but the telling trait is that they will tend to sow doubt in the very areas in which you are most susceptible to criticism.

    There is no other reasonable explanation for why a person would tell a sexual partner they are not the best... and then hook up with them long term.

    That being said... the danger is that this kind of behavior gets worse over time, not better.
    And narcissists are the personality disorder least likely to confront their own issues and see or improve their own behaviors.

    On a deep level, its a fear of abandonment... and undercutting your self esteem is a way to keep you from thinking you don't deserve ill treatment, or that anyone else will have you.


    Another odd symmetry is that Narcissists tend to accuse others of the very things of which they are the most guilty, themselves. Meaning, that if they claim you are not the best in bed... it really means that they are not.
    Narcissist also never take anything back...

    it seems you have confronted your partner on this issue several times, and he has managed to fail every time to make you feel any better about it...
    probably, he is saying things like, Oh, that doesn't matter that much... or that you have other qualities that matter more....

    basically, everything OTHER than telling you you are much better, now, than when he said that to you as a casual date.



    In your situation, I would examine this person's actions closely for evidence that they have a borderline personality disorder...
    If you really love him, and begin to suspect him of having this problem, you might try to
    get him into counseling... but if this is his problem, the prognosis is not good.

    otherwise... you might want to consider leaving a relationship with a partner that would so perniciously undermine your sense of self and attractiveness in your most intimate moments, and so utterly fail to make it up to you.
     
  7. jojolongdong

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    Phil Ayesho has made some very interesting points.
    (He's hurt you, and he knows it.)
    It seems to me that there is a co-dependency issue here too.
     
  8. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    So what did your BF say to you when you talked it through? Did he offer you any reassurances about your sex life as it is now, as opposed to how it was when you were just hooking up?

    Is it that in spite of reassurances you just can't get passed something he said to you before you both decided you had more significant feelings for each other?

    Do you really, like truly, love each other? Do you talk a lot and feel free to discuss your feelings with one another? Is this a really nurturing and happy relationship?

    Do you have other self-esteem issues? Is this a pattern of feelings you may have experienced before, or about other issues?



    By the way I would caution that you treat Phil Ayesho's ersatz psychiatric diagnosis of your BF as the wildest possible speculation based upon the thinnest possible evidence.
     
    #8 D_Tim McGnaw, Sep 13, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2011
  9. dolfette

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    seconded.
     
  10. Uno1014

    Uno1014 New Member

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    Just to give you all some background on how this came up, it was during a discussion we were having about size, I was talking about how I thought bigger, a lot of the time, would be better. He then told me that with the partners he'd had, the biggest partner he'd had (not referring to me) had not been been the best, and the smallest had been "around my size, if not, a bit smaller". This happened when we were just casual partners and not thinking we'd pursue a relationship.

    He has offered some reassurances when we talk about it, but sometimes I find it hard to believe he's telling me I'm good enough. I do have a few other self esteem and jealousy issues though, so they may play on this too/be another factor. Usually, some of the things that are said are "I realise that was a bit insensitive of me to say, I'm sorry" and "I was trying to help you feel better about other things", but the fact when we talk about it he never mentions the situation has changed tells me that it's still the case. He mentions about 2 times that have been "Good" or "Kinda fun", but I know I get it wrong most of the time.

    And I suppose some of it results from my own feelings during sex. Sometimes when I'm with someone and they're not as good, it crosses my mind I wish I was having fun with the best partner I've had. Maybe that makes me vain, or a pig, I don't really know (Not had many actual relationships, mostly just casual partners).
     
    #10 Uno1014, Sep 13, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2011
  11. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    So the comments weren't negative comments about your sexual performance, they were about the size of your cock, in the context that he was saying the biggest he'd been with weren't the best.

    It seems he was actually complimenting your sexual performance (obliquely and a little backhandedly) and you instead got hung up on him telling you you were at the smaller end of the penises he's been with...

    I can understand you being a bit disconcerted by being told that he's had bigger dicks than yours, and I know that for many men this kind of thing really does play on their minds.

    But I do think you're making a false connection between his comments about your size and your sexual performance especially given that he explicitly stated that the larger dicked guys he'd been with weren't the best shags he'd had.

    What he said was clumsy and probably a little insensitive, but I think you're own issues about the size of your penis have caused you to confuse those comments with other factors which if you examine what he actually said are completely contrary to what he was trying to tell you.

    Also I think you need to examine how you feel about yourself, if you become so dissociated during sex that you can only think about how much hotter or better a lover you could be with then I don't think you're allowing yourself to enjoy yourself and the people your having sex with and I think you're allowing your internal dialogue to harm your piece of mind and general happiness.

    It's possible some counselling might help you deal with these issues, I suspect your BF isn't qualified to help you in the ways you need, and it may be unfair on both of you not to realise that.
     
    #11 D_Tim McGnaw, Sep 13, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2011
  12. Uno1014

    Uno1014 New Member

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    Sorry, I realise now I wrote that a bit wrong.
    What he'd said was that the size of the best guy he'd been with was a little than myself, not him. Obviously this means it isn't me.
     
  13. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Ah OK, well my advice still stands really, I mean OK it wasn't the nicest thing to say when you were hooking up, but that was a different situation. You're BFs now, what you need to do is set up a really open and really honest mode of discussion between you and your BF about sex, and remember sexual skill isn't something you're born with or can pick up in a manual, it's something you learn from having lots of fun and learning what you and your partner enjoy.

    I still think you could do with some counselling though.
     
  14. molotovmuffin

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    Once something has been said, it can never, ever be taken back. I hate to tell you this but that statement is going to haunt you the rest of your life. My ex said something in anger and it still hurts me years later.

    I hope for your sake you can get past it with this man but by the sounds of it you aren't. Good luck.
     
  15. Phil Ayesho

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    hmm


    this is not at all what you first represented.

    This sounds like you think his comment on your size is a reflection on how good you are, even tho that is not what he said ( according to this second version.)
    Now this sounds like nothing more than your own fear of inadequacy and an unhealthy obsession with the size of your dick/jealousy over other guys being better endowed.

    In light of this new admission on your part... utterly disregard what I earlier wrote...
    This may well be entirely your own self esteem and jealousy issue, in which case, nothing he can say or do will make it better.

    Its up to you to gain some emotional maturity.
     
  16. Uno1014

    Uno1014 New Member

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    My Goodness, I've been distracted, and twice now, written something wrong.

    Let me try a third, and hopefully final time, to get this right.

    Just to give you all some background on how this came up, it was during a discussion we were having about size, I was talking about how I thought bigger, a lot of the time, would be better. He then told me that with the partners he'd had, the biggest partner he'd had (not referring to me) had not been been the best, and the Best had been "around my size, if not, a bit smaller". This happened when we were just casual partners and not thinking we'd pursue a relationship.

    Sorry everyone for causing confusion, thanks anyone who keeps reading, despite my silly errors misrepresenting what I mean.
     
  17. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I really don't think this is something you need to be worried over. Most people don't get into a relationship with someone based purely on the sex they have together. I stopped having sex with my best ever partner AND my second best ever partner simultaneously when I decided to be monogamous with someone who was okay, but not exceptional, sexually. It really, really wasn't about the sex.

    Your guy is with you because he is into YOU.

    I don't see why people would find it offensive that he told you weren't the best. To me it just says he is an honest person and you can probably rely on him telling the truth.
     
  18. hockeysweat

    hockeysweat New Member

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    I feel sorry for your boyfriend. See a therapist, dude.
     
  19. yhtang

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    To the OP - I really don't see what the problem is. Your partner had had sex with various people before the two of you were serious and were an item. He had had better sex with a person other than you. You are discomforted with this. But do bear this in mind, he chose you. He chose to be with you.

    If his decision to be with you, valuing you for all that you are, not just a source of an orgasm, is not good enough for you, I do not feel this is a strong relationship, and the problem with the relationship is you yourself.

    Would you rather the relationship be built on the fact that you are just the best cock for/to him?

    By the way, do you like/love your partner for all his other values other than sex, or do you just like being with him because he is your best sex partner to date?
     
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