Hesitance Towards Marriage

delacratic

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My girlfriend of almost two years and I (I’m 30, she’s 29) have had a near constant argument simmering under the surface for a while. I’ve taken a new job about two hours away and have been working 60 hours a week (I love my work and put everything I have in it) - but we talk nightly and I make the drive every weekend to see her.

She’s wanting marriage and I’m hesitant to say the least. Part of me is hoping for further career advancement, and not ready to sacrifice any opportunities for familial responsibilities - I feel I’ve only got a short time left without concrete and limiting commitments. Additionally, I’m just not ready for marriage - plain and simple. She, meanwhile, would probably move anywhere with a more concrete commitment. I’ve been upfront and honest about my thoughts on marriage. I don’t want to break up - but it seems like it’s headed in that direction. She’s a great person, fun to be around and we get along well.

Should I end it for her sake? Is it fair of me - even though I’m trying not to string her along - to tell her I don’t know if I want marriage? Is my indecision selfish?
 
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japetty

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As long as you are completely honest about your career and your thoughts on marriage, she should make her choice on where the marriage to you goes from where it is at. Don't be unhappy if you don't like the choice she makes as long as you are satisfied with the choice you have made for yourself. Good luck with your choices.
 

ohiorod

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You seem to be very upfront and honest in this post. Hopefully you have done those equally or more with her. If you see marriage to her in the future, say maybe two years, share that too. But if you think you will have the same cold feet for several years, be upfront and honest. It could be that your immediate goals and perhaps even long term ones, are not compatible. If neither wants to budge, respect her and let her go. This does not need to be contentious and you may even stay friends. Be kind and considerate with your words, but don’t promise something that you don’t believe will happen. Good luck in your choice.
 

MisterB

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My 2 cents:

1. She is in love with you and wants to marry you and will move wherever you go.
2. You love her and you do not want to marry her and you will not move for her (you moved away from her).

Until you BOTH are feeling what she's feeling, (see #1 above), I'd say it's time to have an honest talk and tell her what you've told us. Sooner rather than later.

Then you will know what you want/need to do. For the record, it does sound like she's Miss Right Now for you but not Miss Forever. Life is too short not to be happy.

Best Wishes to you!
 

LaFemme

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If marriage is something I want, but my partner does not, I’d rather he be completely honest with me. It’s painful to hear, but in the long run, it’s better to know. If marriage is my goal, I’d rather be free to find someone else who wants the same things I do. Being strung along in the faint ‘maybe someday’ is even more painful than honesty right up front.

Like @MisterB said, you both deserve to be happy.
 

marriedasian

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first off, you are not selfish for wanting what is best for you at this time in your life. marriage is not something that you should take lightly. it comes with a lot of responsibilities (not to mention legalities) as well as being a one-way ticket. there's always the divorce option but that can get real messy really fast... i digress.

if you are firm on not wanting marriage then you need to make it very clear to her and allow her to make her own decision on what she wants to do with her life (even if it means her walking away or you for that matter). she may even decide to stick around in hopes that you will change your mind or to try and change your mind however you just have to be firm and set those clear expectations on your future with or without her.

here's my advice for marriage (and this applied to both men and women)... don't ever marry anyone if they do not compliment your life in a positive way for the longer-term. never marry for the sake of marriage... and don't even get me started on getting married because it's the "next step" in life... the point is that if marrying someone does not make your life better overall then don't do it. the short-term gains will never outweigh the long-term effects when you marry the wrong person.

you mentioned that you don't want to break up. this tells me that there is something there about her that you value. whether or not that is more valuable than your unwillingness to marry will be the true test. you said "she's a great person, fun to be around, and you get along well"... is that it? is she great enough for a life-long commitment where you will always be around her? these are just some of the questions you need to ask yourself. are you just sticking around because it's better than nothing?

she seems ready to tie you down and may have her own reasons for that. she may be fully all-in with you cause she really loves you, or maybe she's getting older and her biological clock is ticking, or maybe she's trying to meet her own fantasy of when she thinks she should get married, or... the list goes on but only she truly knows. have you simply asked her why she wants to get married?

you've provided us with only a very small glimpse into your situation so i'm answering the best i can without assuming too much or filling in the blanks with my own imagination. worse case, if you don't truly want to get married and she wants to then you have to let her go and let her go find someone who will give her that marriage she is looking for.
 
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halcyondays

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Be honest but don't end it. She'll dump you if she needs to move on. If she's certain you're the one for her she may wait until you want the same thing. If you're certain you'll never marry, say it.

You're only stringing her along if you agree to marry but postpone year after year or keep promising to do it "someday." Agreeing to marry is about certainty.

Right now she wants it and you don't. Don't ever let anyone pressure you into it.
 
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delacratic

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Appreciate the valuable and thoughtful input. I’ve tried to be very upfront about it - she sees my commitment to my career as adversarial to her hopes for marriage. Maybe it is..

I tried to break up with her a month and a half or so ago, and she begged - on the floor blocking my exit - and I couldn’t take hurting her. I genuinely care about her. I’m just not ready for that level of commitment. But I’ve been upfront about it, and she continues to say the ball is in my court regarding marriage.

I do enjoy being with her - we have similar tastes in music, love the outdoors, she’s easy going and I would be friends with her even if we weren’t in a relationship. I just think we may want different things right now. While I want to stay with her, she wants more.

Relationships are complicated - ahhhh the days of arranged marriage. (Joking naturally)
 
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Sagittarius84

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Appreciate the valuable and thoughtful input. I’ve tried to be very upfront about it - she sees my commitment to my career as adversarial to her hopes for marriage. Maybe it is..

I tried to break up with her a month and a half or so ago, and she begged - on the floor blocking my exit - and I couldn’t take hurting her. I genuinely care about her. I’m just not ready for that level of commitment. But I’ve been upfront about it, and she continues to say the ball is in my court regarding marriage.

I do enjoy being with her - we have similar tastes in music, love the outdoors, she’s easy going and I would be friends with her even if we weren’t in a relationship. I just think we may want different things right now. While I want to stay with her, she wants more.

Relationships are complicated - ahhhh the days of arranged marriage. (Joking naturally)
As someone who didn't marry my gf until 7-8 yrs in, id normally recommend you just stay the course and let her decide whether or not she is content to stay with you as is, but on the floor begging, trying to hinder your career success(which potentially would benefit her in the long run , provided she exercise some patience), you need to dump this girl now. She has measured herself not worthy of you and is dead set on making sure you're never in a position to realize it until after your obligation to her comes with real world consequences she can manipulate should you try to opt out later. Shes going be just charming, just sexually enticing enough to keep you intrigued until the locks are in and then you'll truly understand the fix.
If you wont leave(which i dont blame you for), you need to lock contraception down immediately..if urging doesnt work she will try to get pregnant to guilt you into "making her an honest woman".
Youve made your stance, all she can do is deal with it and not marry you until you are ready to be married, or opt out
 
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delacratic

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As someone who didn't marry my gf until 7-8 yrs in, id normally recommend you just stay the course and let her decide whether or not she is content to stay with you as is, but on the floor begging, trying to hinder your career success(which potentially would benefit her in the long run , provided she exercise some patience), you need to dump this girl now. She has measured herself not worthy of you and is dead set on making sure you're never in a position to realize it until after your obligation to her comes with real world consequences she can manipulate should you try to opt out later. Shes going be just charming, just sexually enticing enough to keep you intrigued until the locks are in and then you'll truly understand the fix.
If you wont leave(which i dont blame you for), you need to lock contraception down immediately..if urging doesnt work she will try to get pregnant to guilt you into "making her an honest woman".
Youve made your stance, all she can do is deal with it and not marry you until you are ready to be married, or opt out

You certainly make some fair points. We shared a very real connection early on, but after I moved for work, she began to take offense and become jealous of my attention. I have my faults, there’s no question about it and I need to work on them. I love and care for her, but this relationship may be at a breaking point. She has a right to ask for a firm commitment before she moves to where I live - but I can’t give that to her.

Thanks for the insight y’all - appreciate you acting as a sounding board.
 

dreamer20

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{QUOTE=delacratic} I’ve been upfront and honest about my thoughts on marriage...
she sees my commitment to my career as adversarial to her hopes for marriage. Maybe it is...
I tried to break up with her a month and a half or so ago, and she begged - on the floor blocking my exit - and I couldn’t take hurting her. I genuinely care about her. I’m just not ready for that level of commitment...and she continues to say the ball is in my court regarding marriage...While I want to stay with her, she wants more.{QUOTE}

delacratic you've been upfront with her by saying no to marriage and neither does she respect that declaration nor your career choices. Stick to your guns man. If she is not happy to dwell with you as a single person then call it quits.
 

stustu

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I have carefully read all the above comments. I think you feel a certain feeling for this girl, but it is not the feelings
of a man in love with the woman of his dreams. She is a friend, and a good friend at that. I think you should break
up immediately. She needs to get away from this relationship, because she is blinded by her attraction-love-codependency.
If you do not separate, you will cheat on her (maybe planned - maybe accidental) and it will damage her emotional for life.
Please be strong and do what your heart and head are telling you.

If in 2 years, you feel different and want to re-kindle I would guess she would still be available.
 

Gj816

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My knee jerk reaction about her begging you and not letting you out is RUN, RUN LIKE HELL as far as you can get from this woman.

Trust me after the I do's your life will be hell on earth. You've been honest with her. The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut off all ties to this woman. She'll make your life a living hell. She'll want you to change jobs, change everything about you. Don't enable her to do that.

RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. You are not in love with her at least not enough to want to make a commitment like marriage. You know what's best for you. Let me close with one last bit of advice. MOVE ON. RUN MAN AS HARD AS YOU CAN.
 
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