Heteroromantic bisexuality or internalized homophobia?

[deleted11768931]

I've never had any interest on having a romantic or emotional relationship with a man. For me, it's just about sex with men. All of my romantic attachments and even crushes or limerances have been with women.

I mentioned this to a (gay) friend and he says it sounds like internalized homophobia. He says, in his own experience, before he started hooking up with guys and came out, he also never pictured himself being in steady romantic relationships with men, but ever since he's been in several long-time relationships, full-on living with other men.

I don't think this is the case for me. I've had sex with men and I've never wanted more than that, never felt the tiniest romantic spark or fluttering, nothing. Could it be that somewhere in my subconscious I'm kind of blocking myself from having those feelings? I mean, it's theoretically possible, I suppose, but you'd think I'd feel something at least half as powerful as the romantic, all-encompassing attraction I've felt for women.

 

[6798491]

I've never had any interest on having a romantic or emotional relationship with a man. For me, it's just about sex with men. All of my romantic attachments and even crushes or limerances have been with women.

I mentioned this to a (gay) friend and he says it sounds like internalized homophobia. He says, in his own experience, before he started hooking up with guys and came out, he also never pictured himself being in steady romantic relationships with men, but ever since he's been in several long-time relationships, full-on living with other men.

I don't think this is the case for me. I've had sex with men and I've never wanted more than that, never felt the tiniest romantic spark or fluttering, nothing. Could it be that somewhere in my subconscious I'm kind of blocking myself from having those feelings? I mean, it's theoretically possible, I suppose, but you'd think I'd feel something at least half as powerful as the romantic, all-encompassing attraction I've felt for women.

You're basically bisexual, but more hetero-leaning.

 

[StrenghtenMe]

I really doubt it's IH
I am aromantic bisexual and while I am sexually attracted to both men and women I have no desire to form any romantic/emotional relationship with either- it doesn't mean I have internalized homophobia it just means I don't experience romantic attraction.

It would be internalized homophobia if I insisted I were straight because "it doesn't count as long as no emotions attached".

 

[dreamer20]

I've never had interest on having a romantic or emotional relationship with a man. it's just about sex with men. All of my romantic attachments, crushes or limerances have been with women.

Your situation isn't homophobic or complicated. You are a player/ "fancy free" at the moment. Whether you someday chose a closed relationship, or not, is your prerogative.

 

[Brodie888]

Only you know the answer to this question.

I would say you are a bisexual with a larger percentage of attraction to women. Eg 70% hetero, 30% homo.

The majority of men would probably fit into this category. This is why so many people call themselves straight but they have sex with other men on occasions.

 

[Brodie888]

Just to be clear, I am not saying you could never be romantic with another man. It's just that he would have to be exceptionally compatible to you.

You see heterosexual men who have best friends who they'd give their life to save. Now if they both had enough homosexuality in their orientation, they'd probably be in an relationship that allows them to have sex with women on occasions.

 

[Infernal]

I think you like what you like. Don’t let anyone over complicate it.

 

[yardenia]

I've never had any interest on having a romantic or emotional relationship with a man. For me, it's just about sex with men. All of my romantic attachments and even crushes or limerances have been with women.

I mentioned this to a (gay) friend and he says it sounds like internalized homophobia. He says, in his own experience, before he started hooking up with guys and came out, he also never pictured himself being in steady romantic relationships with men, but ever since he's been in several long-time relationships, full-on living with other men.

I don't think this is the case for me. I've had sex with men and I've never wanted more than that, never felt the tiniest romantic spark or fluttering, nothing. Could it be that somewhere in my subconscious I'm kind of blocking myself from having those feelings? I mean, it's theoretically possible, I suppose, but you'd think I'd feel something at least half as powerful as the romantic, all-encompassing attraction I've felt for women.

i think you sound hot. i am a gay boy who would love to be fwb with someone like you.

what bothers or concerns you about this? how can we be supportive?

i don't know that it's like self-hatred type of homophobia but just the social scripts and narratives we learn to identify with and see ourselves as part of/not part of

but these things also can change and develop which sounds like the process your friend went through

 

[hungstoner80]

I know everyone is on their own path and they decide where to go. My story is: I was once very much like you. The concept of being in a romantic long term relationship with a man sounded implausible. Having fun with guys on the side was really all I thought I’d do. Over time and exploring more of my feelings I I dated guys and now I have a serious boyfriend. My first. I don’t believe in labels now and I’m happy I chose to expand my mind and open my heart up like that. As I’ve found a great guy. But just be you man and that doesn’t have to fit in any box.

 

[Kanashi]

I know everyone is on their own path and they decide where to go. My story is: I was once very much like you. The concept of being in a romantic long term relationship with a man sounded implausible. Having fun with guys on the side was really all I thought I’d do. Over time and exploring more of my feelings I I dated guys and now I have a serious boyfriend. My first. I don’t believe in labels now and I’m happy I chose to expand my mind and open my heart up like that. As I’ve found a great guy. But just be you man and that doesn’t have to fit in any box.

Did your relationship happen naturally? Did you try to resist it at first?

 

[hungstoner80]

Did your relationship happen naturally? Did you try to resist it at first?

I wasn’t sure at first with my current boyfriend. I wasn’t sure that choosing a man to be in a relationship with was the path for me. I had (briefly) dated a few other guys and I wasn’t fully convinced I could have a relationship with a man. But my current boyfriend changed my mind. I found him to be and still is a refreshing person in my life and I’m very happy to have met him. We met as a Grindr hookup, and something about him had me intrigued and I asked him out on a real date. And the rest is what they call history.

 

[Kanashi]

th

I wasn’t sure at first with my current boyfriend. I wasn’t sure that choosing a man to be in a relationship with was the path for me. I had (briefly) dated a few other guys and I wasn’t fully convinced I could have a relationship with a man. But my current boyfriend changed my mind. I found him to be and still is a refreshing person in my life and I’m very happy to have met him. We met as a Grindr hookup, and something about him had me intrigued and I asked him out on a real date. And the rest is what they call history.

that's really awesome!

 

[hungstoner80]

th

that's really awesome!

Thanks. It’s been a journey. I used to think I would only be a basically “straight” top. I found a lot of willing bottoms when I was lonely and. bored. I’m above average and I used that in my favor. After awhile I did briefly fall for a guy before I knew it he was deported. There’s a longer story there. But he was in many ways my trial gay relationship. It’s all a process. One I’m glad I chose to do.

 

[halcyondays]

I've never had any interest on having a romantic or emotional relationship with a man. For me, it's just about sex with men. All of my romantic attachments and even crushes or limerances have been with women.

I can and do have romantic & emotional relationships with both men and women at the same time. They're just not exclusive relationships. I tried being exclusive when I was young (20s) but failed at it so stopped. I am honest with fbs & fwbs (which my generation called lovers) that I don't do exclusive. For me it's better to be honest about it than mislead anyone.

BTW romantic and emotional does not necessarily mean exclusive. I feel tremendous affection for most partners and almost none for others--even some I don't particularly like except having great sex is the only thing we have in common.

I don't want to own anyone nor be owned by anyone. I am free. I want them to be free too.

 

[englad]

For me, personally, I often don't believe "heteroromantic" bisexuals. I'm sure a fair number are genuine, but many aren't.

Although you say you are open to the idea of being in a relationship with a man, it would take some serious mental gymnastics for me to fathom how you could sexually (and therefore probably, physically) prefer men and emotionally prefer women. It sounds like you just want to hold on to straight passing privilege and want a relationship that wouldn't raise any eyebrows. I can't exactly blame you for that either seeing as gay relationships still aren't treated as being equal to straight ones.

The irony about it is straight women are less likely to be comfortable dating bi men than gay men are.

 

[deleted11768931]

For me, personally, I often don't believe "heteroromantic" bisexuals. I'm sure a fair number are genuine, but many aren't.

Although you say you are open to the idea of being in a relationship with a man, it would take some serious mental gymnastics for me to fathom how you could sexually (and therefore probably, physically) prefer men and emotionally prefer women. It sounds like you just want to hold on to straight passing privilege and want a relationship that wouldn't raise any eyebrows. I can't exactly blame you for that either seeing as gay relationships still aren't treated as being equal to straight ones.

The irony about it is straight women are less likely to be comfortable dating bi men than gay men are.

I don't blame you for being skeptical. Shit, as my post says, I myself wonder if I'm subconsciously denying any romantic feelings towards men. But the truth is, subconsciously or not, I really never felt about a guy the same way I've felt about women. If there's some kind of mental barrier there, it's pretty damn strong.

But as for the thing about wanting a straight relationship that doesn't raise any eyebrows, I honestly don't think that's true. I mean, of course a straight relationship is always easier in the eyes of the society at large, but I've been open about my bisexuality for a number of years and I'd like to think that I can tell the difference between wanting a beard and wanting a relationship I'm legitimately, romantically invested in.

 

[bigboaster]

For me, personally, I often don't believe "heteroromantic" bisexuals. I'm sure a fair number are genuine, but many aren't.

Although you say you are open to the idea of being in a relationship with a man, it would take some serious mental gymnastics for me to fathom how you could sexually (and therefore probably, physically) prefer men and emotionally prefer women. It sounds like you just want to hold on to straight passing privilege and want a relationship that wouldn't raise any eyebrows. I can't exactly blame you for that either seeing as gay relationships still aren't treated as being equal to straight ones.

The irony about it is straight women are less likely to be comfortable dating bi men than gay men are.

Frankly bisexual people don't care what YOU believe. The truth remains regardless of what people with "skepticism" think or feel quite frankly.

This is just the same close minded nonsense you would expect from some old homophobe, just with new paint. "you CAN'T actually be attracted to men, you're just denying your natural urges for women". Yawn!!

 

[sonny84]

I've never had any interest on having a romantic or emotional relationship with a man. For me, it's just about sex with men. All of my romantic attachments and even crushes or limerances have been with women.

I mentioned this to a (gay) friend and he says it sounds like internalized homophobia. He says, in his own experience, before he started hooking up with guys and came out, he also never pictured himself being in steady romantic relationships with men, but ever since he's been in several long-time relationships, full-on living with other men.

I don't think this is the case for me. I've had sex with men and I've never wanted more than that, never felt the tiniest romantic spark or fluttering, nothing. Could it be that somewhere in my subconscious I'm kind of blocking myself from having those feelings? I mean, it's theoretically possible, I suppose, but you'd think I'd feel something at least half as powerful as the romantic, all-encompassing attraction I've felt for women.

You have no internalized homophobia and your friend is projecting.

I am literally your polar opposite - I now have no romantic attachments or relationship desires with women. It is just sex. I had ideas of romance with women and relationship desires with women only 3 times in my youth/teen years but as I got older, I have zero romantic interest in women and relationship etc and no interest beyond sex. Zero spark.

Men give me butterflies, sparks, flutters and more.

This doesn't make me internally hetrophobic now does it? It doesn't.

You are who you are. You chemistry and sexuality is what it is. No one else's sexuality and sexual experiences/attractions/tastes/leanings are a barometer for yours.

My humble 2cents.

 

[bigboaster]

You have no internalized homophobia and your friend is projecting.

I am literally your polar opposite - I now have no romantic attachments or relationship desires with women. It is just sex. I had ideas of romance with women and relationship desires with women only 3 times in my youth/teen years but as I got older, I have zero romantic interest in women and relationship etc and no interest beyond sex. Zero spark.

Men give me butterflies, sparks, flutters and more.

This doesn't make me internally hetrophobic now does it? It doesn't.

You are who you are. You chemistry and sexuality is what it is. No one else's sexuality and sexual experiences/attractions/tastes/leanings are a barometer for yours.

My humble 2cents.

Amen. Way too many queer people just projecting their issues onto other people tbh.

 

[sonny84]

I don't blame you for being skeptical. Shit, as my post says, I myself wonder if I'm subconsciously denying any romantic feelings towards men. But the truth is, subconsciously or not, I really never felt about a guy the same way I've felt about women. If there's some kind of mental barrier there, it's pretty damn strong.

But as for the thing about wanting a straight relationship that doesn't raise any eyebrows, I honestly don't think that's true. I mean, of course a straight relationship is always easier in the eyes of the society at large, but I've been open about my bisexuality for a number of years and I'd like to think that I can tell the difference between wanting a beard and wanting a relationship I'm legitimately, romantically invested in.

And you would be subconsciously denying any future relationships with men if you exclusively presented yourself as straight to society at large. Irrespective of how society views same sex relationships.

You are sexually bisexual but romantically straight is my take

Because I am sexually bisexual but romantically gay. I do not want or see myself ever wanting to marry a woman and have kids. Ever.