Hey! Question for the girls
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PrincessBlueEyez
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Its all good for the guys to come and say that the girls should say and demand what they want, but in my experience the girls that do that normally get dumped sooner than the ones that don't.
Personally, Im like you NP, I think the guy should be able to pick up what I like, its not like I keep it a secret, if he does something I like, I give good feedback, but stop short of telling and demanding. If he does something I don't like, I try to show I dont like it, but again, I don't want to turn my guy into a puppet, because newsflash, sex with a puppet is BORING
Personally, Im like you NP, I think the guy should be able to pick up what I like, its not like I keep it a secret, if he does something I like, I give good feedback, but stop short of telling and demanding. If he does something I don't like, I try to show I dont like it, but again, I don't want to turn my guy into a puppet, because newsflash, sex with a puppet is BORING
Like just about everything else, you have to play a balancing act. Obviously no one wants to be constantly demanded. At the same time, we men can't just function of extremely subtle hints that go over our heads. What I am saying is... In case there is something we miss totally, and we're doing something you really don't like, why not speak up? It doesn't have to be always, just one of those moment. Obviously we don't want women to constantly keep demanding and treating us like slaves.
This is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I can be extremely specific about what I'm liking & what I'm not. Normally it involves me physically moving a hand or putting a head in a different place. Not so much with the words. Well at least not during the actual act. If it's in a regular conversation, I'm more apt to let him know what I really like and what needs to be modified. And I expect him to be the same way. I understand that sometimes the brain doesn't function properly, but if he wants me to change something, I need to know so I can work on it too. It really is all about communication. Because honestly during sex, the only words coming out of my mouth are "More" & "Harder".
I think it's important to voice out what we want. Guys I've been with like it when I tell them what I want because they spend less time trying to figure it out. I'll cut them some slack when it comes to sex because women are very complicated human beings and on the same note, never leave a men to read minds - they just can't.
B_curiousme01
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Oh EllieP,
ROLFL and giggle fit!! You always put a smile on my face. And, I agree with you. Men may ask us about this or that, but rarely listen. It has taken me years of marriage and...spontenaous hotheaded outbreaks to finally get him to actually listen to half the things I say. I think I have another misspelling or three!!! Lol!! I guess maybe I should use my dictionary in conjunction with my blackberry
ROLFL and giggle fit!! You always put a smile on my face. And, I agree with you. Men may ask us about this or that, but rarely listen. It has taken me years of marriage and...spontenaous hotheaded outbreaks to finally get him to actually listen to half the things I say. I think I have another misspelling or three!!! Lol!! I guess maybe I should use my dictionary in conjunction with my blackberry
B_curiousme01
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I understand you perfectly!!! I only use body language. Such as putting my fingers lightly on his cheek, or I might slightly squeeze my legs together and use my hand to cover the area I have had enough of. If I am tired or sore (and he's not), I will reach over and turn on a light and then get on top. It's over in a minute to two then. I do need to open my mouth about what I would like "more" at that moment, but ... He's my husband and... What will he think and will he LISTEN without taking it the wrong way? QUOTE=CaliGrl;2572098]This is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I can be extremely specific about what I'm liking & what I'm not. Normally it involves me physically moving a hand or putting a head in a different place. Not so much with the words. Well at least not during the actual act. If it's in a regular conversation, I'm more apt to let him know what I really like and what needs to be modified. And I expect him to be the same way. I understand that sometimes the brain doesn't function properly, but if he wants me to change something, I need to know so I can work on it too. It really is all about communication. Because honestly during sex, the only words coming out of my mouth are "More" & "Harder".[/QUOTE]
Redheadchi
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I think your both right. I would love my GF to be a little more obvious with her intentions but I should also pay attention to what she's ever so slightly hinting towards. I think it would be great if she would just grab me by the crotch and drag me into the bedroom and say lets fuck, but she doesn't. I should be able to pick up on her body language and know what she's thinking and what she wants but hey, it's not a perfect world.
Phil Ayesho
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I have been told by more than one woman that they keep to telling which will be better in bed is to look for evidence of fine attention to detail.
Men who are not detail oriented... are simply not gonna pick up on the physical cues that must accompany any successful execution of any instruction, no matter how clearly stated.
Yes- some men are cretins.
Stop dating guys like that.
doesn't work that way i'm afraid.
which i already said.
IMPOSSIBLE to predict.
but thanks for, as usual, being tediously patronising about it :tongue:
some guys with no attention to detail are good in bed.
some guys are sensitive and detail orientated and crap in bed.
i don't think it's to do with their usual level of consideration, it's about how well they keep their head...maybe that's biological. some people just go into the sex zone and suddenly see everything through sex tinted glasses. they're possessed by lust. they don't think at all.
and i don't stop at subtle hints.
i say exactly what i don't like.
which i've also already said.
i'm not after sex tips from men, tyvm.
i've already got a guy who is great in bed.
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
yow.
I was just passing on the one thing I've heard from a couple of women who think they can pick em...
I offer no warrantee it's valid.
I was just passing on the one thing I've heard from a couple of women who think they can pick em...
I offer no warrantee it's valid.
nicenycdick
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Yeah...just imagine if we had sex! It would either be the best in the history of the world...or the absolute worst!
I think everyone is different. I'd say it's better, if possible, if everyone explains what they want/how they feel etc in a way that both people involved can understand. This isn't always easy, for either gender, though. Subtle hints or whatever might not even be easy for women to pick up on, nor men. I don't think all women are just 'better at communication'. For example, I haven't always found it easy - but sometimes I do try.
Another thing I have noticed, at least sometimes, is you just have to say something to your partner, for them to even realize something. Even something you think they should realize anyway, they don't always unless you mention it. Works both ways actually, for both genders.
Another thing I have noticed, at least sometimes, is you just have to say something to your partner, for them to even realize something. Even something you think they should realize anyway, they don't always unless you mention it. Works both ways actually, for both genders.
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This is a great thread! Now first of all, talking about sex should never be boring.
I agree with Phil! I agree with his analogy that expecting a man to read a woman's body language better is like expecting someone color blind to see colors better. It's just not a skill that men possess. There's lots of evidence of that.
Men are so bad at reading women, they can't even tell when a woman is sexually interested in them. According to the research, men can't tell the difference between sexual interest and friendliness, which is serious business because it can lead to date rape. Another take on the same research, from a dating point of view, emphasizing how men are incapable of picking up on women's "come on" signals when women are flirting.
I'm definitely on the side of telling your lover what you want. From my personal experience, men are clueless about what you want unless you explain in explicit detail.
I've only been with one man who was really incredible at reading me, and he was the most feminine man I've ever dated. Even he needed to be told if I wanted to try something that wasn't already in our playbook and we talked about sex a lot, so I'm of the opinion that even if your lover is actually really incredible at reading your face and your body language, you should probably also still use words to communicate about sex. I have with every long term lover.
I concede that it's really hard to do so with a new lover. I don't think I've begun talking about sex or in bed until we've slept together at least a half dozen times, or a dozen. The more conservative the man I've been with, the longer it's taken to talk about sex and the less I'll say. I think I frightened away one man with my openness, but that was a good result. Obviously that meant we weren't compatible!
I agree with Phil! I agree with his analogy that expecting a man to read a woman's body language better is like expecting someone color blind to see colors better. It's just not a skill that men possess. There's lots of evidence of that.
Men are so bad at reading women, they can't even tell when a woman is sexually interested in them. According to the research, men can't tell the difference between sexual interest and friendliness, which is serious business because it can lead to date rape. Another take on the same research, from a dating point of view, emphasizing how men are incapable of picking up on women's "come on" signals when women are flirting.
I'm definitely on the side of telling your lover what you want. From my personal experience, men are clueless about what you want unless you explain in explicit detail.
I've only been with one man who was really incredible at reading me, and he was the most feminine man I've ever dated. Even he needed to be told if I wanted to try something that wasn't already in our playbook and we talked about sex a lot, so I'm of the opinion that even if your lover is actually really incredible at reading your face and your body language, you should probably also still use words to communicate about sex. I have with every long term lover.
I concede that it's really hard to do so with a new lover. I don't think I've begun talking about sex or in bed until we've slept together at least a half dozen times, or a dozen. The more conservative the man I've been with, the longer it's taken to talk about sex and the less I'll say. I think I frightened away one man with my openness, but that was a good result. Obviously that meant we weren't compatible!
I found more info on communication differences between men and women. This is excerpted from the book The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease,
"Overall, women are far more perceptive than men, and this has given rise to what is commonly referred to as "women's intuition." Women have an innate ability to pick up and decipher nonverbal signals, as well as having an accurate eye for small details. This is why few husbands can lie to their wives and get away with it and why, conversely, most women can pull the wool over a man's eyes without his realizing it.
Research by psychologists at Harvard University showed how women are far more alert to body language than men. They showed short films, with the sound turned off, of a man and woman communicating, and the participants were asked to decode what was happening by reading the couple's expressions. The research showed that women read the situation accurately 87 percent of the time, while the men scored only 42 percent accuracy. Men in "nurturing" occupations, such as artistic types, acting, and nursing, did nearly as well as the women; gay men also scored well. Female intuition is particularly evident in women who have raised children. For the first few years, the mother relies almost solely on the nonverbal channel to communicate with the child and this is why women are often more perceptive negotiators than men, because they practice reading signals early.
What Brain Scans Show
Most women have the brain organization to outcommunicate any man on the planet. Magnetic Resonance Imaging brain scans (MRI) clearly show why women have far greater capacity for communicating with and evaluating people than men do. Women have between fourteen and sixteen areas of the brain to evaluate others' behavior versus a man's four to six areas. This explains how a woman can attend a dinner party and rapidly work out the state of the relationships of other couples at the party — who's had an argument, who likes who, and so on. It also explains why, from a woman's standpoint, men don't seem to talk much and, from a man's standpoint, women never seem to shut up.
As we showed in Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps (Orion), the female brain is organized for multitracking — the average woman can juggle between two and four unrelated topics at the same time. She can watch a television program while talking on the telephone plus listen to a second conversation behind her, while drinking a cup of coffee. She can talk about several unrelated topics in the one conversation and use five vocal tones to change the subject or emphasize points. Unfortunately, most men can only identify three of these tones. As a result, men often lose the plot when women are trying to communicate with them."
"Overall, women are far more perceptive than men, and this has given rise to what is commonly referred to as "women's intuition." Women have an innate ability to pick up and decipher nonverbal signals, as well as having an accurate eye for small details. This is why few husbands can lie to their wives and get away with it and why, conversely, most women can pull the wool over a man's eyes without his realizing it.
Research by psychologists at Harvard University showed how women are far more alert to body language than men. They showed short films, with the sound turned off, of a man and woman communicating, and the participants were asked to decode what was happening by reading the couple's expressions. The research showed that women read the situation accurately 87 percent of the time, while the men scored only 42 percent accuracy. Men in "nurturing" occupations, such as artistic types, acting, and nursing, did nearly as well as the women; gay men also scored well. Female intuition is particularly evident in women who have raised children. For the first few years, the mother relies almost solely on the nonverbal channel to communicate with the child and this is why women are often more perceptive negotiators than men, because they practice reading signals early.
What Brain Scans Show
Most women have the brain organization to outcommunicate any man on the planet. Magnetic Resonance Imaging brain scans (MRI) clearly show why women have far greater capacity for communicating with and evaluating people than men do. Women have between fourteen and sixteen areas of the brain to evaluate others' behavior versus a man's four to six areas. This explains how a woman can attend a dinner party and rapidly work out the state of the relationships of other couples at the party — who's had an argument, who likes who, and so on. It also explains why, from a woman's standpoint, men don't seem to talk much and, from a man's standpoint, women never seem to shut up.
As we showed in Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps (Orion), the female brain is organized for multitracking — the average woman can juggle between two and four unrelated topics at the same time. She can watch a television program while talking on the telephone plus listen to a second conversation behind her, while drinking a cup of coffee. She can talk about several unrelated topics in the one conversation and use five vocal tones to change the subject or emphasize points. Unfortunately, most men can only identify three of these tones. As a result, men often lose the plot when women are trying to communicate with them."
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HiddenLacey
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Hi I haven't read the entire thread yet. Just your original question at this time so I'll start and give you my honest answer and go back and read what others have to say on the subject. FOR ME PERSONALLY-I agree that it would be better if BOTH partners were open in the bedroom. However I have found myself that fear of what he will think or say or what his reactions may be, keep me from always saying what I want. It's there in my mind I just can't say it.
There are a lot of reasons why women aren't as forthright about their needs or wants. Speaking from personal experience, at one point in my life I didn't really know what I really liked - hard to ask when you don't have that understanding or knowledge base, and I think this is not solely an age issue. Not everyone is fully in tune with their bodies, and we shouldn't assume they are. At times, I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted - I was concerned about how I would be perceived and also how it would affect my boyfriend - I think this holds true for a lot of people regardless of gender. I would feel this way if I was starting a new relationship, since I would be just getting to know him sexually. Past relationship experience colors how comfortable I feel as well. Like some other posts from the ladies, I had a partner who had a "routine" which all his previous girlfriends supposedly loved, so he felt like that was being criticized when I asked for 3 things at different points (faster, harder, deeper). Personally I thought it was no big deal, but it was for him. I'm not sure if he felt he knew better what I would like (my perception) or I scared him by being demanding -or possibly both. Also like some other ladies, I had a boyfriend who for whatever reason was unable to follow up with any request during sex - not sure if he was too caught up in the moment or was unwilling. But I think anyone would understand how frustrating that could be at times! For me now, it is all about trust. My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile now, and the communication is there because we both feel safe to ask for what we want. And we are able to have fun with it.
I think some of the responses that women are better at communication therefore they should take the lead by making requests is just an unrealistic expectation. I could turn that around and say the onus of responsibility should rest with the guys to ask if their partner likes what they are doing, do they prefer A or B, etc...? It has the advantage of explicitly demonstrating to the partner that effort and care is being made to give them pleasure. I gave my personal examples because I think they need to see that there are reasons why women may not feel comfortable voicing specific needs and wants. And I didn't even cover issues like self esteem, culture, or any other issues that make it hard to be honest. I agree wholeheartedly that communication is key, that women should and need to speak up, that we cannot expect men to be mindreaders. But the trust necessary for successful communication at this intimate level is earned, not just given. If a partner is not comfortable asking, then perhaps some work should be done by both parties to nurture the relationship and ensure that both feel safe to make requests.
I think some of the responses that women are better at communication therefore they should take the lead by making requests is just an unrealistic expectation. I could turn that around and say the onus of responsibility should rest with the guys to ask if their partner likes what they are doing, do they prefer A or B, etc...? It has the advantage of explicitly demonstrating to the partner that effort and care is being made to give them pleasure. I gave my personal examples because I think they need to see that there are reasons why women may not feel comfortable voicing specific needs and wants. And I didn't even cover issues like self esteem, culture, or any other issues that make it hard to be honest. I agree wholeheartedly that communication is key, that women should and need to speak up, that we cannot expect men to be mindreaders. But the trust necessary for successful communication at this intimate level is earned, not just given. If a partner is not comfortable asking, then perhaps some work should be done by both parties to nurture the relationship and ensure that both feel safe to make requests.
HiddenLacey
Cherished Member
I agree with you 100% everyone should communicate with each other but sometimes it's hard. It works really well I think if one person in the relantionship is the aggressor and asks the other partner. Sometimes you have two people that are uncomfortable with asking and sometimes you have someone who just doesn't care. Maybe we should have lists made up and trade when we meet people (just kidding):biggrin1: That would be rather mortifing I think!!!
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