i love my wife and kids and have no interest in the gay lifestyle, but i do enjoy having a physical relationship with men whom i consider great friends. i have two gym buddies who feel the same way i do--love the women and our lives with them, but really enjoy the sight of and fooling around with guys. hope that helps you feel like you're not alone.
Hiding ur interest in other men
- Thread starter dotball
- Start date
Tallhunk - I think that's the way I feel too. I certainly do not sleep around, I have only two guys I meet with now and then, ones been my best mate for over 15 years.
I love my family and wife, but like being with guys too. Being with guys is not love (for me), it's a play time, relief, urge, fun.
I love my family and wife, but like being with guys too. Being with guys is not love (for me), it's a play time, relief, urge, fun.
I struggled for over 20 years in a marriage and realized that the only way to truly be happy was to divorce and make my way forward. During that time I worked to not have outside relationships when I finely sorted through the muck of choice. I understand many of the emotional turmoils of ones identity, but see the process as one of evolution. I know that growing up during the 50's and 60's, that they were times of intense cultural stigma against being gay. Now that I can look back and talk to extended family, I discover that there were many that struggled before me, and suffered the isolation of being different. Today I can say that I wanted to be happier and healthier as my goal, and I am making progress.
I have this same struggle. I basically outed myself to my wife some years a go with painful results but we have stayed together in a loving relationship. However I am bi but have not acted on my gay side in a long time even though I have a strong desire to do so at times. So I do turn to these sites along with others to feed my fantasies. Whether I subsequently act on my other desires remains a conflict
OP, I don't think you can arbitrarily exclude "right or wrong" from the topic, just because you want to block it out of your mind and only entertain responses from guys living the same lies who agree with you. I think you and a few other guys should read and contemplate my previous post again. I think the notion that you are "protecting others" is a misguided at best. What example do you set for your children if you live a dishonest life and cheat on their mother? What does that say about you as a father, as a husband, as a man? How is it fair to your wife if you're cheating on her with men on the downlow? If you stop and think about how she would react if she found out, that right there should tell you how wrong it is. Of course if she's fully aware and you've come to any understanding, like balls2go2 and his wife, it's entirely different, but I don't get that from you.
I can't imagine being in a relationship with a partner where I couldn't be open, carrying such potentially devastating and destructive secrets and lies, not to mention the sexual incompatibility, not to mention the potential health risks. I don't know what your sexual habits are beyond what you've shared, but I do know that men in your position, who have surreptitious sex, at some point typically put themselves in risky situations and put themselves and their partners at risk for STD's. It's not just a matter of with whom you have sex, but with whom your partners have sex. Even if it's just one or two buddies, how can you be absolutely sure they won't ever cheat on you, if you yourself are cheating? Presumably your wife believes you're not cheating, though you are. The situation is fraught with rationalizations, self-justifications, and deception all around.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think saying that you're hiding this 'dark secret' for the sake of "others" is a rationalization and a cop-out. I think you do it for yourself - as you said in your opening, out of "fear of being outed". Your rationalization allows you to live out your true nature and fulfill your sexual urges in the dark, while you present a facade to the world and those you claim to care most about. I think you lack the courage to face up to who you are, deal with the consequences and live honestly. I would suggest you consider finding a support group in your area where you can talk with men who are in similar situations and/or those who have successfully come out the other side, as Mogluver has done. As you rightly note, there is more acceptance now than ever before in society, even for older married men, and if you look for it you will find it.
Fantasizing and being bicurious is one thing, but if you really are as gay as you say (80%+?) and acting on it, you owe it to your wife, to your children, and to yourself to be honest. I know that sounds like a hard bridge to cross, even out of the realm of consideration, but I believe it's an opportunity for growth, and in the end everyone would ultimately be better off. The longer you let it go, the more resentment there will be when the secrets finally do come out, as they almost always inevitably do. Doesn't your wife at least deserve to be fully loved and respected, and not feel she's wasted her life based on a lie? This is all just my opinion, and you can take it for what it's worth (probably you'll reject it right off the bat), but I personally can't imagine living any way but honestly. I can't imagine carrying on a sham of a marriage; lying, disrespecting and cheating on the one person I profess to love and respect above all others.
The "gay lifestyle"??
I can't imagine being in a relationship with a partner where I couldn't be open, carrying such potentially devastating and destructive secrets and lies, not to mention the sexual incompatibility, not to mention the potential health risks. I don't know what your sexual habits are beyond what you've shared, but I do know that men in your position, who have surreptitious sex, at some point typically put themselves in risky situations and put themselves and their partners at risk for STD's. It's not just a matter of with whom you have sex, but with whom your partners have sex. Even if it's just one or two buddies, how can you be absolutely sure they won't ever cheat on you, if you yourself are cheating? Presumably your wife believes you're not cheating, though you are. The situation is fraught with rationalizations, self-justifications, and deception all around.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think saying that you're hiding this 'dark secret' for the sake of "others" is a rationalization and a cop-out. I think you do it for yourself - as you said in your opening, out of "fear of being outed". Your rationalization allows you to live out your true nature and fulfill your sexual urges in the dark, while you present a facade to the world and those you claim to care most about. I think you lack the courage to face up to who you are, deal with the consequences and live honestly. I would suggest you consider finding a support group in your area where you can talk with men who are in similar situations and/or those who have successfully come out the other side, as Mogluver has done. As you rightly note, there is more acceptance now than ever before in society, even for older married men, and if you look for it you will find it.
Fantasizing and being bicurious is one thing, but if you really are as gay as you say (80%+?) and acting on it, you owe it to your wife, to your children, and to yourself to be honest. I know that sounds like a hard bridge to cross, even out of the realm of consideration, but I believe it's an opportunity for growth, and in the end everyone would ultimately be better off. The longer you let it go, the more resentment there will be when the secrets finally do come out, as they almost always inevitably do. Doesn't your wife at least deserve to be fully loved and respected, and not feel she's wasted her life based on a lie? This is all just my opinion, and you can take it for what it's worth (probably you'll reject it right off the bat), but I personally can't imagine living any way but honestly. I can't imagine carrying on a sham of a marriage; lying, disrespecting and cheating on the one person I profess to love and respect above all others.
..
The "gay lifestyle"??
Last edited:
Are you sure this is a statistic and not just hopeful fantasy? Maybe this is close to true for the men on this site, but I think the guys here are a very skewed sample of society in general, being that it's a site for people into big cocks.
I'm open to being attracted to men or women, though find that on a sexual level, men catch my interest more quickly and more often. There have been quite a few guys in the past few years I've met as friends and have found myself attracted to. After getting to know them, they have all, yes all, turned out to be only attracted to women. They are all aware that I'm fluid sexually, and I've had very open discussions about this with all of them at one point or another. When I ask them if they've ever been attracted to a guy or have ever done anything with a guy, however, they have all answered no and that they have absolutely zero interest. With this experience, it is hard for me to believe the idea that "nobody is 100% straight" or that most guys have some kind of secret fantasy about being with other men. As a guy who seem to be attracted only to heterosexual men, I'd LOVE it if the majority of heterosexual guys bent this way a bit now and then, but from my experience, they don't.
As to your situation, though, I think you're definitely on the right site to be able to meet some men who are in the same boat as you. It sounds like you could really use somebody to talk to. Are the two guys you're physical with not good candidates for this?
OP, I don't think you can arbitrarily exclude "right or wrong" from the topic, just because you want to block it out of your mind and only entertain responses from guys living the same lies who agree with you. I think you and a few other guys should read and contemplate my previous post again. I think the notion that you are "protecting others" is a misguided at best. What example do you set for your children if you live a dishonest life and cheat on their mother? What does that say about you as a father, as a husband, as a man? How is it fair to your wife if you're cheating on her with men on the downlow? If you stop and think about how she would react if she found out, that right there should tell you how wrong it is. Of course if she's fully aware and you've come to any understanding, like balls2go2 and his wife, it's entirely different, but I don't get that from you.
I can't imagine being in a relationship with a partner where I couldn't be open, carrying such potentially devastating and destructive secrets and lies, not to mention the sexual incompatibility, not to mention the potential health risks. I don't know what your sexual habits are beyond what you've shared, but I do know that men in your position, who have surreptitious sex, at some point typically put themselves in risky situations and put themselves and their partners at risk for STD's. It's not just a matter of with whom you have sex, but with whom your partners have sex. Even if it's just one or two buddies, how can you be absolutely sure they won't ever cheat on you, if you yourself are cheating? Presumably your wife believes you're not cheating, though you are. The situation is fraught with rationalizations, self-justifications, and deception all around.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think saying that you're hiding this 'dark secret' for the sake of "others" is a rationalization and a cop-out. I think you do it for yourself - as you said in your opening, out of "fear of being outed". Your rationalization allows you to live out your true nature and fulfill your sexual urges in the dark, while you present a facade to the world and those you claim to care most about. I think you lack the courage to face up to who you are, deal with the consequences and live honestly. I would suggest you consider finding a support group in your area where you can talk with men who are in similar situations and/or those who have successfully come out the other side, as Mogluver has done. As you rightly note, there is more acceptance now than ever before in society, even for older married men, and if you look for it you will find it.
Fantasizing and being bicurious is one thing, but if you really are as gay as you say (80%+?) and acting on it, you owe it to your wife, to your children, and to yourself to be honest. I know that sounds like a hard bridge to cross, even out of the realm of consideration, but I believe it's an opportunity for growth, and in the end everyone would ultimately be better off. The longer you let it go, the more resentment there will be when the secrets finally do come out, as they almost always inevitably do. Doesn't your wife at least deserve to be fully loved and respected, and not feel she's wasted her life based on a lie? This is all just my opinion, and you can take it for what it's worth (probably you'll reject it right off the bat), but I personally can't imagine living any way but honestly. I can't imagine carrying on a sham of a marriage; lying, disrespecting and cheating on the one person I profess to love and respect above all others.
..
Loved this post. Very well put Maxcok.!! And thank you for stating this. Hope there are at least a few good men out there who will take this in.
For all the women who are one day going to stand infront of God and profess their love to their loved ones before friends and family..I say thank you!.
I pray to God that the men we will profess this to will have enough love, decency and honour inside of them to not enter into a union fraught with deceit.
I went through this. I left my wife, tried the gay life for three years and realized the reality of it wasn't like the fantasy. Men are kind of like espresso, ok once in a while but not something I want every day. A relationship with a woman is very different and more enjoyable. As I get older, sex with men is less appealling. Most older men just aren't as hot as they were in their 20s or 30s. Any way after my foray into exclusively gay life I realized I'm bi. I settled down with a woman and had a kid and a mortgage and it's fine. I'm still attracted to handsome men, but I'm in what I want. I understand about the children impacting your choices. Always wear a condom and do your best, that's all any of us can do.
This attitude seems to be prevalent in parts of the world where sexual liberation is unheard of or at least frowned upon. It's very true here in the different parts of the USA. I've met guys on this site who live in small towns and will never be able to "come out" as bi or gay. As I get older I realize that coming out doesn't necessarily mean having to tell everyone you know about your feelings and desires. I think it's more about admitting the truth to yourself and living with some equanimity about it.
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2008
- Posts
- 442
- Media
- 33
- Likes
- 250
- Points
- 363
- Location
- Rainforest dweller
- Verification
- View
- Sexuality
- 90% Gay, 10% Straight
- Gender
- Male
I don't condone the dishonesty of the op cheating on his wife, but how does the fact that he has had sex with other men mean that he is living a lie? If he was sleeping with women, we would be calling him a dirty cheating rat, not reduciing his whole life to a completely worthless deceit... He is bisexual! The fact that he cheats with men doesn't make it any worse than if it was a woman.
Is a man who is in a gay relationship and has sex with a woman living a lie? No, he is just a cheating bisexual.
I would urge the op to find a way to be more open with his wife about his sexuality. In the long run, I believe that it would improve both of their lives and may in fact strengthen their relationship.
Is a man who is in a gay relationship and has sex with a woman living a lie? No, he is just a cheating bisexual.
I would urge the op to find a way to be more open with his wife about his sexuality. In the long run, I believe that it would improve both of their lives and may in fact strengthen their relationship.
helgaleena
Sexy Member
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2006
- Posts
- 5,475
- Media
- 7
- Likes
- 43
- Points
- 193
- Location
- Wisconsin USA
- Sexuality
- 50% Straight, 50% Gay
- Gender
- Female
Not often jeepguy and I agree, but yes. Even so, it is for the wife and him to work out how not to hurt the kids Together, as wallaboi says.
Who reduced his whole life to "a completely worthless deceit"?? Who said cheating with a man was any worse? I certainly didn't. It's no better, no worse imo, though his wife and children may think otherwise. Please take my words at face value, and don't exaggerate or further interpret.
On the flip side (no pun intended) I've encountered plenty of men in this situation, who although they consider sex with another woman to be cheating, they rationalize sex with men as "just fooling around with the guys", to quote another poster in this thread. The human mind is capable of elaborate gymnastics, especially where sexual gratification is concerned.
It's a lie either way if he's cheating, regardless of his orientation, regardless of the gender of the person he's cheating with. No difference. The fact that he's built an elaborate facade to hide his true sexual orientation just constitutes more layers of lies.
Here we agree.
Last edited:
Thanks, so do I.
Thanks. Take your time, good luck, and be true to yourself and the people who matter.
This just drives me around the bend. What is the "gay lifestyle"? My gay friends and I have extremely diverse lives, not just one "gay lifestyle."
As a guy who seems to be attracted only to homosexual men, I'd still LOVE it if the majority of heterosexual guys bent this way a bit now and then, but from my experience, almost all of them over 30 don't.
^ love this...
guys, be honest...
does that mean you need to "come out" to your whole community, or suddenly start dressing in drag & flying rainbow flags everywhere? NO
Sadly, I think the main reason so many guys are afraid to be honest about their attraction to other men is the fear that they will be seen as a bunch of nelly queens - not only is it short-sighted, it's pretty damn silly.
Not all gay men are the same - they're individuals just like everyone else....
just be honest with the one you claim to love...it's nobody else's business...your woman deserves it and so do you...that is all.
Similar threads
