HIV+/HIV- relationship

[amhersthungboi]

Hey all --

So wouldn't you know it? A few weeks before I'm slated to move, I meet a great, wonderful, super, perfect (all the good words you can think of) guy. Totally hot, wonderful personality. Basically, I'm falling for him pretty fast.

Turns out he's HIV+ and I am, happily, HIV-, and don't want that status to change. Are there any guys on here in a mixed-status relationship? How do you negotiate the sex? I want to be intimate with him, really show my attraction, but reduce the risk to as little as possible (I suppose the only 100% risk free method is abstinence, but let's get real here).

I think he's a great guy, and am not put off at all by his status. I just want to find a solution that works for us both, makes him feel sexual, and me feel safe.

Sorry to ramble. This is sort of emotional for me.

 

[bigdude]

Hey all --

So wouldn't you know it? A few weeks before I'm slated to move, I meet a great, wonderful, super, perfect (all the good words you can think of) guy. Totally hot, wonderful personality. Basically, I'm falling for him pretty fast.

Turns out he's HIV+ and I am, happily, HIV-, and don't want that status to change. Are there any guys on here in a mixed-status relationship? How do you negotiate the sex? I want to be intimate with him, really show my attraction, but reduce the risk to as little as possible (I suppose the only 100% risk free method is abstinence, but let's get real here).

I think he's a great guy, and am not put off at all by his status. I just want to find a solution that works for us both, makes him feel sexual, and me feel safe.

Sorry to ramble. This is sort of emotional for me.

damn bro...that is really rough...this scenario has popped into my head before, and I've never thought that it'd be worth it to be sexual with a guy an HIV+ partner, which is sad because I could be missing out on a great person...but you gotta think first and foremost for yourself. You need to be strong for them to be strong....but if you're gonna risk contracting this disease, then it'll just bring you both down. I wouldn't do it, but it's your personal choice

Remember even if u give him oral u can get it (im sure u know, but some people are ignorant)

 

[smoothrnb]

There's no reason why you cannot maintain a healthy and safe (sexual) relationship with a HIV+ guy. It takes lots of communication (fears, expectations, and needs) from both guys to make it work. I know a "mixed" couple who has been together for 25 years. It takes work, but it is doable. Don't miss out on sharing your life with a guy!

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I've caught hell for saying this here before but here it is: I had the opportunity 10 years ago and I couldn't do it. When it came down to the act, I had panic attacks and couldn't do it.

I know of some mixed status couples who do just fine. It's a personal and very serious decision everyone has to make for themselves. If he's as wonderful as you say, it's something to consider very, very carefully.

 

[lionsback]

I have had several encounters( wouldn't quite call it a relationship) with positive guys. I

am negative and will do everything in my power to keep it that way. My advice to you

would be to wise up on HIV literature. I was never a big kisser outside of my

relationships, protected sex of course, and never gave head. The two guys that were

positive, were the coolest people one could meet. One of them was upfront with me

from the begining. The other one told me a few weeks into our fling. But I was not

worried because I hadn't engaged in any risky behavior. Where there's a will there's a

way and he should understand some of the sacrifices neded to keep you negative. Good

luck.

 

[Lex]

I know of 2 couples who navigate this Mixed Status relationships. It can be done if both people are willing.

 

[Matthew]

Amherst - I think if you have feelings for this guy and you two are attracted to each other, you should go for it. There are plenty of hot, safe things two guys can do, I'm sure you know that.

On a tangent: I imagine part of what's complicating this is the fact that you're about to switch continents. One question to ask yourself is why now? Is it safer to "fall" when there is a built-in protection from intimacy due to your move? I know I'm projecting, since I've been there ... and I wished someone had asked me that question at the time.

 

[amhersthungboi]

Amherst - I think if you have feelings for this guy and you two are attracted to each other, you should go for it. There are plenty of hot, safe things two guys can do, I'm sure you know that.

On a tangent: I imagine part of what's complicating this is the fact that you're about to switch continents. One question to ask yourself is why now? Is it safer to "fall" when there is a built-in protection from intimacy due to your move? I know I'm projecting, since I've been there ... and I wished someone had asked me that question at the time.

I think you're right -- there is a bit of a degree of protection from intimacy due to my impending move. It also makes me wonder though how "worth it" taking any risk with this great guy would be. If it had LTR potential, then I think the situation would be different. But, since this ultimately is going to be a short term thing, no matter how much I feel for him, perhaps taking any risk is too much risk.

Just a commentary -- I think the entire thing is a sad state of affairs, and I feel like it is one that deeply impacts the lives of gay men. Although HIV is certainly impacting people across the board, it still seems like it is an issue deep at the heart of gay culture. Yet, in every hook-up, one nighter, short fling that ANYONE has, there is ultimately a risk. Perhaps the gay world is just more attuned to that risk. After all, many of my straight guy friends don't use condoms since the women they are with use birth control -- as if that was protection. There is a deep social commentary in here, somewhere, but I'm too mentally exhausted to fully elucidate it right now. :boggled:

 

[JonahFalcon]

The biggest thing to remember is that you can kiss as much as you want, with as much saliva flow as you want, and for as long as you want.

 

[TopDudeFtl]

In August my partner and I will celebrate 7 years together. (That's equivalent to 21 years to str8 folks.) Just before I met him I was dating an HIV positive guy. He was a great guy but knowing he was positive and not knowing how life with him (or without him) would be, I decided to put my tail between my legs and run off. Sadly he passed away a year after we broke up. I’m still not sure if I made the “right” decision or not since I was told he was very depressed after I broke it off and died alone.

My partner was diagnosed HIV positive about two years after we got together. After the initial shock and denial, we talked about it and our love for each other allowed us to move forward as a couple. As far as safe sex, I am a “top” and he’s a “bottom” and we never reverse the “roles”. And I never go down on him, not only because he’s positive but he’s not uncut and kinda small. (Go LPSG!!!) I’m kidding. Actually, he’s not all that turned on by getting head. He’d rather you work his nipples. Getting back on track; I would not turn your back on a great guy. Just keep communication open and be very careful. I am still negative and plan on keeping myself negative.

 

[bigdude]

guess im the only one then who wouldn't do it...it just seems way too risky for me, and ya gotta put urself and ur own well-being first IMO...besides, I personally, would be frightened at the sheer thought of sex with an HIV positive person, so I just don't think Id be able to do that

 

[dfrog65]

I personally have been HIV+ for eleven years. Only ever dated a positive guy once, the others were negative. I have only ever been broken up with once because of my status. The guy that I am currently involved with for 6 years is negative and has no problems with the fact that I am positive (at least he has never told me or our friends.) He knows I am on meds and frequently asks how it is going. We love each other very much and have a great sex life (at least compared to others I have had). Oh and yea, he has a wonder great big cock :0)

 

[BBB2.5]

I've been Positive since April 1992....Believe it or not I have only been in two relationships to date. The first one was for 7.5 years and when we both got together..negative. By the end of that relationship we both were positive. All on his own doing. He was one of those Cheaters. I found this out after the fact. We split up a year after our diagnoses. After that I decided I would only date men that were positive or at least open to the idea. They new up front, so I never had to have that "OH...Ive got to tell you something" talk. I did not manage to find my current partner until 1998 and we have been together for 8 years now and we are very happy.
I know this has no direct connection to your question. However, I do truly believe that a negative and positive relation can work. It's only way of survival is for you to want it succeed. You will find way of getting around the status part. Eventually it will just become apart of your everyday life. Most importantly, if you LOVE one another no matter what comes your way...happiness will always over rule...... EVERYTHING.
:tongue:

 

[Lex]

I've been Positive since April 1992....Believe it or not I have only been in two relationships to date. The first one was for 7.5 years and when we both got together..negative. By the end of that relationship we both were positive. All on his own doing. He was one of those Cheaters. ...
:tongue:

One of the unfortunate stigmas of having HIV is that many people will automatically label you as a slut or a tramp. Of the three HIV+ friends I have, all of them were infected by partners who strayed while they were in what they believed to be monogamous relationships. It's sad.

BBB2.5, dfrog65, and TopDudeFtl--thanks SO fucking much for your openess and your honesty. You guys fucking rock. The stories of men workingit out should give hope to everyone that relationships CAN be navigated successfully if both parties are willing.

@ Sorceror--it takes balls to admit that it is not within you to do it. Too many would never be that honest. Your hubby is a very lucky man.

 

[Irish]

I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it myself. I'm a little bit paranoid and I broke things off with a great girl because of an STD she had and I couldn't get over. There were other problems as well, but that was a big factor for me.

You obviously like this guy a lot, so you just need to ask yourself if it's worth the risk. There are a bunch of things you can do to minimalize the risk and open, honest communication is always a good thing. Talk it over with him, tell him you're worried about his HIV+ status and ask him if he honestly thinks the two of you could enjoy a relationship while taking as many precautions as possible to prevent transmission. If one of you won't be satisfied, keep him as a friend and no more.

Good luck.

 

[priority_male]

I think it would be different for me if someone I was already in a long term r'ship was diagnosed than if I'd just met someone.

I have actually been in the latter situation where I'd started to see a guy and he disclosed his status to me. I took some time to think about things and carried on the relationship for a while.

I pretty much decided he wasn't for me on the basis of other reasons but I can't deny that his status came up. I knew he was on treatment and had an undetectable viral load so was much less infectious but I love sucking cock with my partners and it just isn't the same with a condom. There's also the whole condom breaking when you're fucking scenario.

I know that the risk with oral sex is small and you take it with casual partners of unknown status but it's thinking about taking that risk multiple times with someone you know is positive that can fuck with your mind and seriously affect the emotional intimacy.

x

 

[BBB2.5]

BBB2.5, dfrog65, and TopDudeFtl--thanks SO fucking much for your openess and your honesty. You guys fucking rock. The stories of men workingit out should give hope to everyone that relationships CAN be navigated successfully if both parties are willing.
quote]

Your welcome ....and Thank You.....:biggrin1:

I just wanted to clarify that my Partner was Positive when we first met.

@ Sorceror--it takes balls to admit that it is not within you to do it. Too many would never be that honest. Your hubby is a very lucky man.

I agree with Lex.....just you being that honest about it, shows you are a great guy.

:tongue:

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

@ Sorceror--it takes balls to admit that it is not within you to do it. Too many would never be that honest. Your hubby is a very lucky man.

I agree with Lex.....just you being that honest about it, shows you are a great guy.

:tongue:[/quote]

You know how much I adore you, right?

I think this is the 3rd time we've had this same discussion with you, me and Lex involved. The first time was the hardest, I didn't want to hurt you.

 

[Lex]

Honesty can never really hurt, beautiful. It can only heal.

Too many people fear those of us who can be truthful and open to a fault--not me. I embrace that shit. I'd rather you tell me what you really feel and deal with the (mis)alignment with my own feelings/wants than you lie to me and let me live a fantasy that would never happen.

You're good fucking people, Sorceror. One of the many who frequent this place.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

There's a fine line between honesty and brutal honesty that I've been known to cross. My astrological sign predisposes me to it ;0~