HIV+/HIV- relationship

[Lex]

There's a fine line between honesty and brutal honesty that I've been known to cross. My astrological sign predisposes me to it ;0~

Join the crowd.

 

[MorganaDrake]

I recently got a call from one of my ex BFs from back when I was a teen, about sixteen or seventeen. He called to tell me to get checked for aids as he came up HIV+. I sat there and thought about it, and I never had sex with him, in fact besides a bit of saliva, bodily fluids never passed between us. Perhaps he would have remembered that if he wasn't so stoned the whole time we were together (all of a week or two). Still it was a bit of a reality check. I did tend to be wild when I was younger, and I'm fortunate that thus far I have not caught a STD of any kind. And since I was a teen I've gotten much more responsible about sex. I get checked a few times a year and have always come up negative and thank god for that.

As for a relationship with a HIV+ person, until the situation presented itself to me I can't say one way or another what I would do. But what I can say is that in my little world, I'd like to think that love conquers all. So I would like to think that if I was in love with the person, then yeah, I'd be willing to work through it and around it. However, who knows what I'd do if placed in the situation.

I, like a few others that have posted in this thread, know a few couples that are in a HIV+/HIV- relationship, and they tell me that it takes a bit more effort in some areas and a good solid foundation to the relationship (communication, trust, respect, understanding) but that if you love the person, then it's all worth it.

 

[twohungryholz]

guess im the only one then who wouldn't do it...it just seems way too risky for me, and ya gotta put urself and ur own well-being first IMO...besides, I personally, would be frightened at the sheer thought of sex with an HIV positive person, so I just don't think Id be able to do that

Hate to break it to you Bigdude...but odds are, you most likely HAVE HAD sex with someone poz. The horror of this whole ordeal is that there are STILL way too many who do not know they are poz. Unless you are getting printed out information of latest tests, you have to assume EVERYONE is positive. Also, many positive men and women (not just gay men I hope we all know) are not divulging their status due to the fear of rejection and they just want sex. Just my two cents.

 

[Lex]

Hate to break it to you Bigdude...but odds are, you most likely HAVE HAD sex with someone poz. The horror of this whole ordeal is that there are STILL way too many who do not know they are poz. Unless you are getting printed out information of latest tests, you have to assume EVERYONE is positive. Also, many positive men and women (not just gay men I hope we all know) are not divulging their status due to the fear of rejection and they just want sex. Just my two cents.

This bears repeating. I would be foolish to think that every guy I have ever fucked was HIV- just because they thought they were. No balloon, no party--and even then--we may NOT party at all. Safer sex must be practiced always. There are websites that can educate people on what to do and not do.

For example--the stomach acid kills the HIV virus (no worries there) but gum abrasions from gum disease, or brushing and flossing soon before oral activity create entry points in the mouth for the virus.

You just have to know/fully understand the risks and take appropriate precautions if you are comfortable doing so. If you are a male and are thinking of having sex with men and are uncomfortable with HIV, then you best be knowledgable about how to protect your self or spend your life abstaining.

 

[jeff black]

This bears repeating. I would be foolish to think that every guy I have ever fucked was HIV- just because they thought they were. No balloon, no party--and even then--we may NOT party at all. Safer sex must be practiced always. There are websites that can educate people on what to do and not do.

For example--the stomach acid kills the HIV virus (no worries there) but gum abrasions from gum disease, or brushing and flossing soon before oral activity create entry points in the mouth for the virus.

You just have to know/fully understand the risks and take appropriate precautions if you are comfortable doing so. If you are a male and are thinking of having sex with men and are uncomfortable with HIV, then you best be knowledgable about how to protect your self or spend your life abstaining.

Thanks for saying that Lex, I was gonna comment on you could get hiv from oral, but you summed it up nicely.:biggrin1:

 

[bigdude]

twohungryholz- that's a good protective measure to take, but considering the statistics of it all alone (i've had sex with one person in my life) I don't think so...and that's not to mention I've been tested and came up negative.

 

[botvers69n]

It is a great thing to see that there are positve people on this site that are not ignorant about HIV status,my best friend is pos and his partner is neg,and they have been together 15years and counting,by the way this is a cool site!

 

[amhersthungboi]

Now wouldn't it really figure? Just two months before I leave ... and he says those three magical words to me? I haven't heard those words in two + years. I think my knees melted. After my last relationship (I think I told y'all about it) can I really feel love again? Just two months before I take off for just about the exact opposite side of the world? Oh, Fate, you cruel bitch.

 

[Matthew]

Amherst, you got one life to live.

I say go for it. You would always regret not taking the chance.

 

[BBB2.5]

You know how much I adore you, right?

I think this is the 3rd time we've had this same discussion with you, me and Lex involved. The first time was the hardest, I didn't want to hurt you.

Yes..we have had discussions about this. Without debate there would be no change...right? You could never hurt my feeling by being honest. To me it's the most important feature a guy has to have in order to be a real "MAN"

I think we have a mutual understanding about this topic....you are a great guy and your partner should be proud.
:tongue:

 

[BBB2.5]

Now wouldn't it really figure? Just two months before I leave ... and he says those three magical words to me? I haven't heard those words in two + years. I think my knees melted. After my last relationship (I think I told y'all about it) can I really feel love again? Just two months before I take off for just about the exact opposite side of the world? Oh, Fate, you cruel bitch.

Fate is very mysterious...she walks up when you least expect her to. Next thing you know your walking down an isle say ..."I Do"
Now those are 2 other fantastic words.
:tongue:

 

[Lex]

Now wouldn't it really figure? Just two months before I leave ... and he says those three magical words to me? I haven't heard those words in two + years. I think my knees melted. After my last relationship (I think I told y'all about it) can I really feel love again? Just two months before I take off for just about the exact opposite side of the world? Oh, Fate, you cruel bitch.

I agree with Matthew, Amherst. With modern technology--distance need not be a deal-breaker in a romance. I know two men who cummute betweeh Delware and Texas and are monogamous. They chat, cam, talk on the phone, fly/visit, etc.

Life is much too short to not take the necessary risks to reap the desired rewards.

 

[Anyjoe]

I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years!
He is positive and I am (still) negitive.
When we met on 1991, if you'll remember, there
were no protease inhibitors (cocktails). I was
faced with one of the bigggest decisions of my
life. I had to look very deeply inside to hash
this one out. Who wants to get involved w/ someone
just to watch them die? I really liked him alot even
though we were total oposites (Felix and Oscar!)
In fifteen years we have built an incredible empire & are very happy together. WEre bothable to retire relitivily young (45&51).
I have no regrets whatsoever. REad up on the "Do's" and "Dont's" and don;t be stupid. I feel very lucky I called
an electrician to fix my air conditioning. THE END.

 

[B_TalkingHeads]

Amherst do not risk it, you are young and while it is NOT PC to say this serosorting or having sex and relationships with only other people of the same HIV status as you whether it is poz or neg works. If you want to go and have sex with people who are HIV+ nobody is stopping you but when you wind up HIV+ you'll only have yourself to blame. People who are HIV neg and knowingly have sex with HIV poz people are into risky sex, playing with fire, and they've got a death wish and are probably bug chasers even if they do repress it or don't even realize it themselves, or want to admit it. I know it's not PC to say this but it's true and HIV does equal a slow horrible death no matter how many toxic medications you take that harm your body (the meds while they might be good for combating HIV and keeping the TCell count from lowering are VERY bad to take), and the best way not to get HIV is not to have sex with Poz people or share needles if you IV drugs. When are the HIV poz people going to realize that the only way to rid our planet of this scourge is for them, as a group, to take the matter into their own hands and refuse to engage in sexual activity with anyone who is not HIV poz, ever, for any reason? Why cannot HIV+ people not recognize the power they have to make a great contribution to humanity by declaring that they will not, under any circumstance, engage in any behavior that carries with it the possibility of HIV transmission to another human being? Why is it that Poz people do not feel incredible remorse when engaging in behavior that carries this risk? Why is it that they are willing to serve only their desires and are willing to engage in sexual activity with anyone who does not question whether the risk of HIV transmission is present? Also let's not forget about how many people who are HIV+ also have Hepatitis C and how easily that can be transmitted to others. This troubles me greatly. I used to feel nothing but compassion for those with HIV, but the longer that I am exposed to their reckless behavior, the less I am able to hold compassion in my heart. I even know people who are HIV+ who don't tell others that they are when they have sex with them, even when they're asked by the other person/people, or when the other person/people want to swallow them or bareback them. I know Poz people who still bareback/swallow and don't care how many strains of HIV they get or pass onto others, and I even know HIV+ people who are involved in HIV educational centers and non profit orgs where they tell people how important it is to get tested and use condoms, yet they are all into bug chasing/breeding/"gift" giving and are totally cool with letting people gang fuck their ass every weekend and flood it with load after load. You can get HIV from giving oral sex, and swallowing or having semen in your mouth is high risk for HIV; but it's not as risky as unprotected receptive anal sex or sharing a rig/works (needles) with an HIV+ person. Also just because someone is on medications it doesn't mean that your chances for gettting HIV are completely eliminated or that you can't get it from giving oral sex without or with swallowing, since viral loads can go up unexpectedly when someone is on meds. Yes PEP (the post exposure meds) are available but the side effects suck and you have to take them for months and it's no gaurentee that you won't become HIV+.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

The OP is from 3 years back - he's probably made up his mind by now :smile:

 

[catman]

Wow, great discussion guys- THIS is the lpsg I know and love- and the timing could not be better. My son and I had recently had Just this conversation (he is bi/gay) and he met a really great poz guy (who was upfront about his status). My son came home really torn and soul searching- and honestly? I have wondered about it but never sat down and said 'okay-what if'?

I will take all of what you said back. (as to the misconception that hiv+ men (women) are 'sluts' I embarrassingly admit I too have fallen into that mindset... Then talked to a guy who lost his virginity (and status) to a lying scum who only wanted to 'bed a virgin'...

and I agree, thanks to those who have been so open about their status.

 

[Bbucko]

Amherst do not risk it, you are young and while it is NOT PC to say this serosorting or having sex and relationships with only other people of the same HIV status as you whether it is poz or neg works. If you want to go and have sex with people who are HIV+ nobody is stopping you but when you wind up HIV+ you'll only have yourself to blame. People who are HIV neg and knowingly have sex with HIV poz people are into risky sex, playing with fire, and they've got a death wish and are probably bug chasers even if they do repress it or don't even realize it themselves, or want to admit it. I know it's not PC to say this but it's true and HIV does equal a slow horrible death no matter how many toxic medications you take that harm your body (the meds while they might be good for combating HIV and keeping the TCell count from lowering are VERY bad to take), and the best way not to get HIV is not to have sex with Poz people or share needles if you IV drugs. When are the HIV poz people going to realize that the only way to rid our planet of this scourge is for them, as a group, to take the matter into their own hands and refuse to engage in sexual activity with anyone who is not HIV poz, ever, for any reason? Why cannot HIV+ people not recognize the power they have to make a great contribution to humanity by declaring that they will not, under any circumstance, engage in any behavior that carries with it the possibility of HIV transmission to another human being? Why is it that Poz people do not feel incredible remorse when engaging in behavior that carries this risk? Why is it that they are willing to serve only their desires and are willing to engage in sexual activity with anyone who does not question whether the risk of HIV transmission is present? Also let's not forget about how many people who are HIV+ also have Hepatitis C and how easily that can be transmitted to others. This troubles me greatly. I used to feel nothing but compassion for those with HIV, but the longer that I am exposed to their reckless behavior, the less I am able to hold compassion in my heart. I even know people who are HIV+ who don't tell others that they are when they have sex with them, even when they're asked by the other person/people, or when the other person/people want to swallow them or bareback them. I know Poz people who still bareback/swallow and don't care how many strains of HIV they get or pass onto others, and I even know HIV+ people who are involved in HIV educational centers and non profit orgs where they tell people how important it is to get tested and use condoms, yet they are all into bug chasing/breeding/"gift" giving and are totally cool with letting people gang fuck their ass every weekend and flood it with load after load. You can get HIV from giving oral sex, and swallowing or having semen in your mouth is high risk for HIV; but it's not as risky as unprotected receptive anal sex or sharing a rig/works (needles) with an HIV+ person. Also just because someone is on medications it doesn't mean that your chances for gettting HIV are completely eliminated or that you can't get it from giving oral sex without or with swallowing, since viral loads can go up unexpectedly when someone is on meds. Yes PEP (the post exposure meds) are available but the side effects suck and you have to take them for months and it's no gaurentee that you won't become HIV+.

I won't even attempt to cut through all the misconceptions and histrionics in this post. I don't have the time right now and, frankly, I'm really not interested in changing anyone's mind. Life carries risk: you can accept this and live or pass on it and just exist.

I've been poz since 1983 (possibly since 1978 though I doubt it). Although unusual, it's not impossible to continue to live 25+ years post-infection if you've got the drive and determination to endure and survive. The attitudes expressed by the member quoted above betray an elemental fear and distrust that would spell an early demise were he to ever test positive. So it's better he take the extraordinary attitudes posted above and really run with them, for his own sake as well as for the sake of whatever future relationships he and a hypothetical partner might endure.

But a word to the wise, from someone who has been there: serosorting only works under two conditions:
1) When both partners are poz; or
2) When both are negative and absolutely, 100% committed to monogamy.

I belong to the former, and have serosorted exclusively for many years precisely to avoid the horrors that caused the member quoted above to rant on. The emotionalism and hysteria with which he writes precludes any rational discussion of the problem, and any counterargument will only make him dig in his heels and react with even greater shrill stridency.

The latter is not theoretically impossible. I've just never seen it in 32 years of life as an out-and-proud gay man. Maybe I just have always associated with the wrong sort. I really don't know.

 

[widenine]

We all know that people make bad choices. And people often times become victims because of bad choices made by others. If you like spontaneity and carefree interaction, concerns for staying heathy, safe from body fluids, blood from gum disease AND incidental cheating could be over whelming for some. It's seems unfortunate, but I would pass on what seems to be wonderful. I would just say to anything beyond a good friendship with an HIV+ person.

 

[dolfette]

been pondering this for hours...

i don't think i would do it.
i would be fretting constantly.

 

[Lex]

We all know that people make bad choices. And people often times become victims because of bad choices made by others. If you like spontaneity and carefree interaction, concerns for staying heathy, safe from body fluids, blood from gum disease AND incidental cheating could be over whelming for some. It's seems unfortunate, but I would pass on what seems to be wonderful. I would just say to anything beyond a good friendship with an HIV+ person.

Not everyone who is HIV+ made a "bad choice." Sometimes, condoms break, you know.

Just saying. The inherent judgment in your statements bears commenting.

How do condoms and safe sex ruin spontaneity? Guys who wantonly stick their penises in anything without thinking are suicidal. Period.