Holiday Times

[jameshawket]

So I don't mean to be a negative Norman, but I needed to post somewhere, and get some support, because I feel like all my friends, and my boyfriend, have heard me complain about it way too much.

For those of you who know, or don't know, my parents told me never to come back home because I came out to them. That was two months ago.

Flash forward to now, and it's hitting me that I'm not going "home
for break" like everyone else on campus is doing. I'm staying here, in my apartment, alone for the holidays, and that's making me more melancholy than I thought I would get. It doesn't help that I have finals this week, and I'm already stressed, but all this emotion makes me want to just sleep and eat and not do anything productive. It's textbook depressive episode.

Anyways, I was just wondering how long you think it'll be before my parents finally come around? I can't believe they made it through Thanksgiving without me, and without trying to reestablish contact and a life with me. I can't imagine how Christmas and New Years will be.

Ugh.

It's just so frustrating. And I'm sad.

I guess I really just needed to post somewhere and vent out my feelings, because, like I said, I feel like I talk about it too much and everyone is getting tired of me saying how sad I am that I can't go home, and that I don't have a family to go to.

They haven't outright said anything like they are sick of me saying it, but that's just how I feel. Again, I'm sorry to bring anyone's moods down, but I'm just so sad I needed to talk about it since I'm sulking right now when I should be studying for a final that will determine if I can stay in my program.

 

[Countryguy63]

I know how hard it must be, but stay strong.

And, NO, you're not bringing us down. So many of us understand how you are feeling. Go ahead and bring it here as many times as you need to. :hug:

There's no way of knowing how long, if ever, that they will "come around". But it is them that are losing out. They made the choice to throw you out. Most parents do eventually realize their mistake, and I hope that, that is the case for you.

Do you have friends that you can spend the holidays with?

 

[rbkwp]

Have you in mind matey, be encouraged by the fact many of us will be feeling for you, and your circumstances.

Keep well, and i do hope you find an alternative over that period.
Usually have more of a smart ass offering, but yours is truly a difficult scenario.
Cheers.
- and vent your feelings on here, as much as you want.

 

[dbjones1969]

that is sad... and all the best to you.. i am a father of a bright and brilliant 5 year old boy. I cannot imagine ever turning him away because of any sexual orientation... I really do hope that your family members realize what is important in life and reach out to you whole heartedly (and apologetically) very soon. I do not want to begin to say I understand how you feel, I don't, but know that there are many people out there and on this site that are rooting for you! Try not to lose focus on your schooling for now.... hang in there...

 

[NCbear]

You know, some parents will come around eventually (2, or 10, or 35 years down the line), and some won't. And frankly, it's not the end of the world if they don't.

LGBT people tend to focus more on families of choice instead of settling for what biological roulette gave them--as we all do (regardless of orientation) to a greater or lesser extent, but LGBT people are often pushed into that mode earlier than we are ready to handle, sometimes, due to experiences like yours.

Although it feels lonely right now, it's also a wonderful and unusual opportunity to think without any distractions about what you want out of life and what options you have for moving forward in the face of this powerful rejection.

In other words, you've had the rug pulled out from under you, yes. But realize there's a floor underneath that, and the ground underneath that. You do in fact have a foundation, one that you've built over time: your own strength, which is probably proving to be stronger than you expected. You can indeed get through this. It may be difficult, lonely, upsetting, depressing--but you can get through this, and I'd be willing to bet that when you're at a point when you can look back upon it, you'll realize that you'll have learned that you're a great deal stronger and more mature than you think.

Do you have other family members--members of your extended family--who are supportive?

I went through a similar experience, though not as complete and outright a rejection, at around the same age. My own parents recently came around after 25 years of trying to ignore the fact that I'm gay; now, they're a lot more welcoming to me and my man. But frankly, if they hadn't, I'm at a place in my life where that wouldn't have mattered much, because I'd built a life without them and without the need for their approval.

But I certainly remember my emotions at that time of my life and how I wondered whether I would ever have a reasonably loving, trusting relationship with the people who raised me. PM me if you'd like.

And keep your chin up. Find ways to stay mentally and physically active, and to enjoy the holidays as much as you can.

NCbear (who sympathizes and wishes you all the best at this difficult time :hugs and pats on the back

 

[OhWiseOne]

I am not an expert on this and would never say "I know how you feel". The only thing I can relate it to is my sister which is very controlling and years ago drove me from my family. They never said I couldn't come home but I didn't want to deal with the holiday B.S.. I attempted to move past it with her but with no success so I finally decided that she would not control my life and contact with other family members.

I guess my point is do you have siblings or other family members that accept you? Maybe you could spend the holidays with them.

Final thought, don't compromise your self worth. Yes your parents said never come back home. But maybe send them a card that simply say's thinking of you during the holidays and leave it at that. Show them that you are rising above the situation and moving on but you still consider them a part of your life.

You made read this and think no fucking way and that's okay. Just food for thought.

Have a good Christmas James and best wishes.

 

[BoxersguyNJ]

I really feel bad for you...I think they should understand that its your choice and stand behind you instead of probably worring about what their friends would say

 

[CUBE]

Oh man, guy, I feel for you. Your folks have made a mistake. They need to be enjoying their son and waiting for them to come around sucks. Like the others have said...stay strong. You are in a tough spot but this will not last. In the total picture of your life you will see this was just a bump. I would try to connect with anyone of your friends for Christmas, even, if for only part of the day. I would also line up a plan for yourself to keep busy. Go to a show or visit someone. Just be good to yourself. You just use this site to your hearts content buddy. Lean on the guys here when you need to. I really wish you the best of luck in this period. You are worth it guy!

 

[jameshawket]

I appreciate all of the support guys, I really do! And the encouragement has been great!

I'm for sure spending time with my boyfriend on Christmas eve, one of my coworkers has offered to take me to lunch sometime during the break, and two of my coworkers said they'll come visit at some time.

My biggest problem right now is just mobility issues. When my parents kicked me out, they took my car away from me as some kind of punishment so that I could learn from my mistakes of being bi. I don't get it. Anyways, I have no transportation, which makes it really hard for me to do anything without the help of others, and since everyone is going home, I really don't have anyone to take me out, and I can't do it myself haha.

I'm looking into stuff, and I'm considering getting a car loan, or going into debt make car payments, which I really shouldn't be doing since I have so many student loans I'll need to be paying from now until the rest of forever.

But, that's my story.

 

[badger2395]

I appreciate all of the support guys, I really do! And the encouragement has been great!

I'm for sure spending time with my boyfriend on Christmas eve, one of my coworkers has offered to take me to lunch sometime during the break, and two of my coworkers said they'll come visit at some time.

My biggest problem right now is just mobility issues. When my parents kicked me out, they took my car away from me as some kind of punishment so that I could learn from my mistakes of being bi. I don't get it. Anyways, I have no transportation, which makes it really hard for me to do anything without the help of others, and since everyone is going home, I really don't have anyone to take me out, and I can't do it myself haha.

I'm looking into stuff, and I'm considering getting a car loan, or going into debt make car payments, which I really shouldn't be doing since I have so many student loans I'll need to be paying from now until the rest of forever.

But, that's my story.

It's a double whammy: parents who are treating you badly AND no way to get around. That has to suck. As others have said, stick to your guns - don't reward homophobia and biphobia by giving in to them. Find the people who really care about you and spend time with THEM.

As for the transportation issue, I see you are in California, so my suggestions might not work. Think about getting a scooter or bicycle for getting around, especially the bicycle, since it will also help you stay fit. There is also the possibility of car rental by the hour - in the Bay Area, check out Zipcar.com. Just some thought about alternatives to buying a car immediately.