Holiday Woes

[polo71]

My holiday went well, I spent it with my family. The thing that saddens me is that my friends did not call me to tell me happy holidays. I am always the one that calls, emails and texts them to see what they are doing or is everything is ok. It really bothers me that do not think of me the way I think of them. I realize they have their own lives, but I want them to take time and say, "I am going to call my friend up to see how he is!."
I was with my family and on Xmas Eve I did want to tell my friends, "Happy Holidays!" but I could not.
I am a thinker and I really do not like to think negative things, but I think my friends are embarassed to be my friends. They only say they are my friends when we happen to drink together, or when they need something. When they do I always am a friend and help them out with out thinking, because they are my friends.
From all this, what do you guys/ girls think I should do? I really love my friends and I would not want to lose them, but how do I tell them they need be honest with me?

 

[BigA]

I feel that way sometimes too. dunno know why

have you considered eating worms?

 

[RocketMan]

I am always the one that calls, emails and texts them to see what they are doing.

They only say they are my friends when we happen to drink together, or when they need something.

I'm a firm believer in the old saying "actions speak louder than words" ... all is truly evident by example rather than proclamation. Your friends are fortunate to have you to care about their well being. One thing you could try is just pulling back a bit to see if anyone notices enough to check up on you. However, I prefer the direct approach in such a situation. Simply explain to him/her directly that you feel saddened when you don't hear from them in the same ways you show them you care. At least you'll know they're aware of your sensitivity. Then you can see if they care enough to improve their actions toward you.

I've had my share of drinking buddies over the years. Only those who can return friendly concern away from the bottle have remained true friends. Otherwise, it's likely to be a fair weather connection.

Overall, if you're still not feeling the satisfaction you want from your friends, then maybe it's time to explore some new friendships. Life is a great adventure, and way too short not to seek what you deserve in order to enjoy it. I trust there are many good people who would cherish your integrity ... and return it.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

 

[brody]

Gosh I wish I had a friend like you. Hope your "friends" will appreciate your friendship more in the year to come.

 

[CDubU]

First off, your a "REAL" person to care. People are just that, People, Friends are what the are, you follow???

I ran Into the same problem a few years ago and found out who my "REAL" friends are, almost 5 years ago I was Diagnosed with P.D. (Parkinson's), I was suppose to be some where and It took my "REAL" friends to call 911 when I didn't show, to check up on me.

I was "Found" frooze in the Bathtub, I quess It was and still Is a Good Idea that I'm with a Volunteer Fire Service!!!! With out my "Brothers" I could have Drowned.

Live and let live, you'll find out who your Real friends are!!!

 

[hung]

Yes, this is a valid problem. Sometimes I have also experienced the same concerns.

May I suggest that you refrain from always being the one to initiate the contact.

Strive to meet new people. Some will fall into the routine of waiting for you to call. Hopefully some will contact you.

Sometimes I employ the old adage: "If you have not crossed my door step in six months, you must not be a friend." I then have no problem crossing them out of my address book for Mail, address book for E-Mail, and even the listing I maintain at my phone.

Sounds hard, but you must also be aware that you need to maintain your own mental health. By associating with like minded individuals you will proceed forward. Life is Fun. But only we, the participants can make it so.

Therefore, is someone is not a contributing member to your social circle, move on.

 

[viking1]

True friends are hard to come by. I am not really sure I have ever had any true friends.

I know how that goes they are way more friendly when they want something.
They were always much more glad to see me if they wanted their car fixed or something. It does get old pretty quickly. I mostly just stay to myself now.

 

[Chrysalis]

Another perspective here...

There are all kinds of personalities in this world.

I admit it, I can be a "flaky" friend. Most of the time, I'm not the one to initiate contact, but I'm always happy to hear from a friend and I'm always happy to go out and do stuff if I'm available. And if a friend is in need, I will drop everything to listen to them on the phone or whatever else.

I've had friends who are "cheerleaders" -- those people in a social circle who tend to organize get-togethers and keep everyone in touch. I feel grateful for these people, because I just don't think that way. If it weren't for them, I might not get out at all.

So, although it is possible that these people don't value the friendship like you do, it's also possible that your friends are a bit flaky and you're the cheerleader, but that doesn't mean they're not friends.

When in doubt, I always try to think the best -- i.e. "Sarah hasn't called me back because she's busy with her new baby," rather than "Sarah hasn't called me back because she doesn't want me in her life anymore." But if Sarah consistently left my calls unreturned, I might come right out and ask her (in a friendly, accepting manner) why she doesn't return my calls.

In terms of asking her to be honest, I'd do my best to get across that I just want to know the truth about how interested she is in the friendship. That way, if she really isn't all that interested, I can focus my energies somewhere else and quit pestering her, no hard feelings on either side.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that not all people handle or participate in friendships in the same way(s), and it doesn't always mean they don't care.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I have a couple longtime friends who have been incommunicado for several holidays now. They didn't call for Christmas either and they used to. Every first of the year I do a housecleaning. I'm a minimalist when it comes to friendships. More isn't better.

 

[carlton10]

Just be aware that some so-called friends are "users" =They are more than happy to contact you if they happen to need something or want something and if you dont hear from them then they dont really need anyrthing from you. Try asking them for a favor and see how many excuses you get or if they cant think of an excuse, just see how they act so utterly put out by the favor they are doing- Believe me as I have been thru this with a friend and it took quite awhile to finally admit that that was happening -Yes, true friends are hard to come by. but you just have to wade thru the users before one truly and finally appears -Good luck

 

[polo71]

Thanks for the responses from everyone. This means alot from you all. I know I need to just wait it out, but these guys are the best. Because of them I was able to come out to my parents that I am gay after 35 years. Ohhhhhh well, I dont know what to think about this anymore.


Happy Holidays everyone..............

 

[JustAsking]

... but I think my friends are embarassed to be my friends.

That might be an explanation, but only if you think there is something about you that embarasses them. Otherwise, I think it would be unlikely that they would become your friends and then become embarassed afterwards. Is there a reason you think this? Has something changed recently?

 

[mindseye]

Out of curiosity, Polo -- do your friends check up on you at other times of the year? They may not celebrate the holiday the same way you do.

My family's odd neuroses seem to be magnified this time of year, and I find Christmas to be a stressful event. I'd much rather chat with my friends when it's all over -- your friends may possibly feel the same way.

 

[polo71]

They totally know that I am gay and they say they love me and that I should not care what people say or think about me. Its just this past year there was so much drama in my life. I had to move back to the town that I used to live because of everything. I met a really nice friend and with his help he gave me the courage to talk to my parents about me being gay. I do not impose my sexuality on any of my friends. I have a good relationship with my parents and the majority of my siblings, but I really want a friend that will just simply call and ask me how I am doing. Instead of me..... calling and asking.

I sometimes think that if I were straight would they feel more comfortable around me?

well thanks for everyones opinions and suggestions.