I think the term "Home Wrecker" evokes images of Joan Crawford in The Woman; in that the character was after a man for his money, social position etc and did whatever she needed to do to get her man and left a path of devastation and tears in her flurry.
With that said I have no experience in this other than being the other man in a married mans life for a few years. He wanted a sexual outlet with no strings and I wanted the same thing so it worked out nicely for the two of us. We were very discreet and went out of our way that no one would find out and be hurt by it.
I did not feel guilty about it then and have no feelings of regret about it now. We ended the affair on very good terms and have both moved on with our lives.
The scenarios for an extramarital affairs are many but having a successful one without drama and regret are simple; the two adulterous people have to be completely honest with each other and themselves with what they are doing and they have to know how to keep a secret.
This is interesting. I'm curious to know though, hypothetically speaking, were you to find out that your partner has been involved in "extramarital" activities, what would your reaction be? And would you be more affected if you found out that your partner had more of an emotional connection or a physical connection with their 'accomplice'?
i was the other man, it wasnt my intention. it was like caught in the moment kinda thing. i felt guilty, but that quickly blew over. yes, im bad. get over it.
LOL. No judgements here.
The fact that you felt guilty speaks volumes of your depth of character.
Right or wrong, you questioned your actions to the point of uncertainty and guilt thereafter.
We all have 'moments' and choices thereafter that affect us in varying degrees.
The truth is, you could have done nothing and been filled with regret years later. You chose and are living with the consequences of your decision whether positive or negative. This is all part of the journey really.
However, try to give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up too much.... after all, we're all only human.
I once wrote here that if I ever found out that I was a "piece on the side" for someone cheating (ie: not in a mutually-agreed upon open relationship), especially after weeks or months, there'd be hellish, unrelenting drama to pay.
I meant that then and I still do now.
Bbucko, you are easily one of my favorite posters, often for your honesty and poignant posts and also for your strength of conviction regardless of the opinion of others. I completely understand, identify and respect your position on the matter.
That said, my question to you now is, have you ever been the 'other' person in a relationship? And if so, did you know it at the time or only find out after the fact?
this is why i try to open with my sexuality
almost everybody cheats at some point
Almost....
Why do you think that is though?
Is it a genetic glitch, that we struggle so much with monogamy? Do you think that as people, often with short attention spans (emotionally, psychologically and physically) it's boredom with routine and the 'known' that drives us to seek the unknown and sometimes the socially taboo?
I don't like cheating. If I am involved with somebody that's not exclusive to me, they golly well better admit to me, not hide me. And if I find out they are hiding someone else from me, or me from someone else, it's a deal breaker.
The way around this for me is that the two men I currently see were friends, and one introduced me to the other. None of us are exclusive. And we are all divorced. The first one I believe was threatened by how much he liked me, so tried to wean me off himself, but I refuse to kick either of them away, and am not jealous of their other fun. They fill my dance card nicely.
Oh, i am soooo giving my dad your number....you two would get along like a house on fire.:wink:
I fuck married men.
A lot.
It matters not to me.
Their wives don't get the job done. Or won't.
Who cares?
This was a little more honest than i thought anyone would get, but i do appreciate it.....however....
I know personally of two situations wherein the wife wasn't performing her conjugal duties...out of no small fault of her own.
In the first instance, the wife in question had been diagnosed with cancer and consequently opted for chemotherapy as her treatment of choice. As i'm sure many of you here know - either from your own experiences of the experience of others - it was a difficult and harrowing experience going through all the chemo treatments, the pill popping, the physical and emotional highs and lows. Needless to say, it was a hefty toll paid by her.
Her hormones were completely out of wack and sexually speaking, she was 'unavailable', which is completely understandable.
Her husband was her rock through this process despite all her insecurities and emotional upheaval and i have the utmost respect for him.
He could have 'philandered' or gotten his sexual kinks on the side (after all, as stereotypes would have it, he was just a man after all....he had to get himself some...) but stood resolute on the side. she's since recovered and their relationship has been tempered to the point of 'nigh unbreakable' if i had to hazard a guess.
Oh....and their sex life has never been better.
The other tale is a little more woeful.
Another friend of mine didn't fare as well against cancer. It is in remission today, but like all victories, it came with a price...hers was a double mastectomy.
Very similarly, after her op, she felt self-conscious and insecure about her femininity and felt as is she was undesirable for her (then) husband.
Despite his protestations to the contrary, it did drive a wedge between them and he ended up looking for some 'fun' on the side....
And while the husband is hardly blameless in his decision, i wonder now after reading your post tigolbitties, if that other woman felt similarly to you...
YES, you are a home wrecker whether bieng caught or not. Carma baby, watch out....
As mentioned earlier, we all make choices.
Some of those choices offer up a smorgasbord of heartache, pain, regret and guilt... I think our own conscience often serves as a "special" brand of Karma.
As someone who lives with a lot of guilt, i wouldn't wish it on too many people....
But your choice of words begs the question: Have you been a 'victim' in a failed relationship as a result of some or other form of adultery?
I'v been "the other man" once in the past. It all started when a friend brought out some other friends and we all went out on the town. Two guys in our company were a couple and at the end of the night i was invited back to their place for a threesome. Needless to say i had the time of my life. about 2-3 weeks after, it happened again with the same couple. I tried and tried to stay emotionally detached from them but I started to fall for one of them and he was feeling the same for me. At that time their relationship was a bit rocky. We started to arange more "fun times" so we could be together (with his BF). We felt that if his BF was there it was't "what it really was". We ended up secretly meeting and going out and all the stuff until his BF (by going thru his txt msg's) found out and they broke up. The guy i was involved with started playing games with me and his then EX.... It came to the point where i had enough and left him and the "situation". They got back together and broke up and got back together and broke up so on and so forth. Did I have fun...ABSOLUTLY. Do i regret being "the other man"?, sometimes but as somone stated earlier, "it takes two"
True. It really does take two.
And yes, there is always that 'moment' where a great many outcomes are hinged on a simple decision or choice.
I've been tempted many times and i completely understand the difficulty in deciding with clarity when the heart is involved.... i don't envy you your past heartaches, but am glad you got out of something that (by your description) seemed too toxic for anyone to get out better for it on the other side.
I met my husband when he was still married, I didn't wreck his home or marriage. He was in the process of moving out when we met. If I was or wasn't in the picture he would have ended his marriage anyway. I waited 2 years after his divorce before I committed myself, I had to make sure he left his wife at his own accord and no going back.
Wow. Big ups and respect.
Again, it's so difficult to hold back when our hearts and emotions are involved and our feelings for someone are riding high.
What you did was difficult and took a lot of patience that i rarely find in people these days.
You seem to have a calm, 'maturity' about you and hopefully i can try to emulate even just a fraction of your resolve....however unlikely it seems.:biggrin1:
One of my ex's left his wife for me. She had to leave the country and go back to S.A cause she didnt have British Citizenship and he did.
I was his first boyfriend, his first true love but he grew more and more interested in the scene and decided he wanted to try that out. I still miss him, and this is 2 years down the line. He will always be my first love.
A strange thing to happen to a 21yr old at the time. I thought it was great, but I also know how it destroyed the ex wifes life. And now I guess I know how it feels to a certain extent.
Ouch. Yes, i agree. Strange, but i would've used the term 'difficult' especially being as young as you were to have to deal with such an emotionally complicated situation.
I'm sorry you had to suffer the same fate as his partner, but it's refreshing to hear at the end of the post that you gleaned something from the experience...perspective and empathy perhaps?
Although, yet again, i wouldn't wish heartache on anyone for a simple learning curve.....it sucks.
When I think homewrecker, i think of the hand that rocks the cradle or similar situations where a person outside a relationship intentionally (what about unintentionally?) destroys the relationship at all costs for their personal gain. What boggles me is how high and mighty and moral some people are (are you referring to anyone in this thread?) when it comes to "extramarital sex" but then again marriage is a religous institution (Not for everyone. Sometimes it's an honest act of sincerity and commitment between two people regardless of deities and religious figureheads) and ceremony ( in the eyes of government its a business partnership) (i think i can honestly agree with the 'business partnership' observation, in terms of governmental views) so i suppose I shouldnt be too surprised the morality card (what about the heartache/heartbreak card?) keeps popping up.
The only homewreckers are the married spouses. The people they cheat with are just used goods.
Are you referring to the married spouses that seek an extramarital affair?
And yes, sometimes the "other" man or woman has genuine emotional investment and does often feel like "used goods", but if they knowingly entered into a relationship with a married man or woman, then that was always the risk that they were taking...