Honest questions for Gay men in relationships...

TDJ6

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
 
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MisterB

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
Yes

2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
No
 
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Danieldlt93

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
1. Not really, I have met some while hanging out with friends, they were usually the friend of a friend, if something I personally would rather met them in those spaces since at least in my experience gay only spaces then to be a little promiscuous for what I am looking for in a formal relationship.

2. You may have some expectations about what an ideal partner should have, but in the end there are also more things that you have not stop to think about that would also make you fall for someone, so the answer is mostly that they need to obviously have some ground for you to keep growing some interest and love.
 

thebussyinvader

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
1. I don't go to clubs and bars (I don't smoke and don't drink). I dated 2 guys in person and they were the worst relationships I've ever had. I date long distance and met my current boyfriend through Facebook. He lives in Asia and I live in New Jersey, USA.

2. Somewhat. The only thing my partner doesn't fulfill is, I suspect he's emotionally unavailable.
We're both intellectual (intellect is probably the biggest thing that attracts me) and I just wish my boyfriend was more vulnerable with me and could go beyond small talk (Small talk is one of my pet peeves).

Another thing I think my boyfriend had an issue with, was me asking his permission for me to research his family history.
He basically said no, because "Chinese culture is different", so I said, "Alright. I won't bring it up."
And we've had small talk ever since.

He has said he wants to emigrate to the States to be with me, "one day" - he's truly the nicest and most interesting person I've ever dated.
My exes were toxic, and he's the first grounded and down to earth person I've ever been with.
 

SeeHimFucks

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
1. We met at work.
2. Slightly, but I think that's true of any relationship . You need to compromise and accept them for who they are, just as you would expect the same from them.
 
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Topher the Gopher

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
1. We met online. Adam4Adam to be specific.

2. I wouldn't say I settled. We're very much compatible in that we have a lot in common and have a great rapport. What's funny about it is that I've always been very much into hairy guys, while my husband is a naturally smooth guy; the only facial hair that he grows is reminiscent of Jafar from Disney's Aladdin. I find him beautiful and sexy nonetheless.
 
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cedarizzo

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1. 1st and 2nd I met both in a bar. But I was working at the bar for the 2nd one. 3rd and 4th I met both of them in an adult bookstore.

2. Never. A relationship is always about compromise. But with each relationship, I feel like they compromised to be with me and they have felt like I compromised to be with them.
 

chpoof

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
Not exactly. We met through a mutual friend, although I met that mutual friend in a gay men's social group, so technically I guess it was through "gay spaces."
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
I've never once looked at him and felt like I "settled." On the contrary, I feel like I won the jackpot, and interestingly enough, it was right there under my nose. We knew each other casually for several years before we started dating. I never felt a significant attraction to him, so he was not someone who turned my head; but I knew he was a decent, nice-looking guy, so when our mutual friend decided to play matchmaker, I thought, "Sure, I'll go out with him." We clicked immediately, my attraction to him grew, and it didn't take long before we fell in love with each other. Almost 30 years later, we're still going strong. No regrets—best decision I ever made.

I don't think a good marriage/relationship is about checking off all the wants; it's about connection and commitment. No one person is going to fulfill all your needs or desires, but if you've got enough of them covered, you should be happy with that.
 

mmmniple

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Not exactly. We met through a mutual friend, although I met that mutual friend in a gay men's social group, so technically I guess it was through "gay spaces."

I've never once looked at him and felt like I "settled." On the contrary, I feel like I won the jackpot, and interestingly enough, it was right there under my nose. We knew each other casually for several years before we started dating. I never felt a significant attraction to him, so he was not someone who turned my head; but I knew he was a decent, nice-looking guy, so when our mutual friend decided to play matchmaker, I thought, "Sure, I'll go out with him." We clicked immediately, my attraction to him grew, and it didn't take long before we fell in love with each other. Almost 30 years later, we're still going strong. No regrets—best decision I ever made.

I don't think a good marriage/relationship is about checking off all the wants; it's about connection and commitment. No one person is going to fulfill all your needs or desires, but if you've got enough of them covered, you should be happy with that.
Wonderful post! You are very lucky
 
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Brodie888

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
No. In some ways, gay spaces can make it more difficult to find a partner because the right person is often obscured or shielded by being surrounded by friends or the wrong type of person.

2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
If you are looking for perfect, you better hope you are perfect too.

The reality is, you are not perfect, seriously..... you are not. So to be in a relationship with you, someone has to make compromises or as you say, they have to settle. But it's a two way street.

What you want is to find someone who loves you as much as you love them.

They can have the looks, the money, the fame, the personality but if they don't feel the same way back, you are wasting your time.

And to make it last, you need to be constantly working on your relationship and making compromises to accommodate each other.

The people who are single are often those who are inflexible.

The best partner is MOST likely to be someone who has the same amount of everything as you have. Looks, money, age, introversion/extroversion etc.
 
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canadian_guy486

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?

1. I met my bf on bumble. And before that I met my exes on tinder. I’ve never been to a gay bar/club in my life. I actually don’t know many gay people in general as all of my friends are straight. So the apps is where I went to.

2. I don’t feel I’ve “settled” per se. I will say that I was late to come out and fully accept being gay, so I never went through that “ho phase”. I’ve only had meaningful long term relationships. And when I met my current bf, being the age that I am I knew I wanted someone I could be with for good. So when I met him, I put in a little extra effort to make sure this one stuck. And while it’s still a work in progress, I am learning that things I thought I wanted in a partner aren’t a definite deal breaker. Are there things I wish my partner would do sometimes and he doesn’t? Sure, but that’s what comes with relationships. If we all could find our exact picture perfect match then nobody would ever be single lol. Relationships are about growing as we go. I’m definitely not the same person I was when I first met my bf and vice versa. However, if you are in a relationship and are grossly unhappy, then you need to figure out what will make you happy. Nobody should feel they have to settle because it’s comfortable and convenient. You only live once.
 

briefsguy_773

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?
1. In my 20's yes, but after that no.
2. Settling isn't the right way to describe it. More like figuring out that everything I thought I needed to have in a relationship wasn't all that important.
 
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playklax01

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1. did you have to be in gay spaces (clubs, bars, chat rooms) in order to find your partner?
2. Honestly... did you settle? like were there things you maybe THOUGHT you wanted in a partner that your current partner doesn't fulfill but you still love them anyway?

1) No. While I clubbed a lot during my younger years, my (now ex) husband and I met through an AOL personal ad of all places (I responded to his). This was back in the mid 90s when AOL was the popular thing.

2) Not settle, but no one is perfect. Like was above said, you figure out what's really important and what you really don't need. What you can live with and what you can't. It's not settling, it's something else. Adapting doesn't feel like the right word either. Nor does compromising. IDK...but it's something.
 
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Topher the Gopher

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1) No. While I clubbed a lot during my younger years, my (now ex) husband and I met through an AOL personal ad of all places (I responded to his). This was back in the mid 90s when AOL was the popular thing.

2) Not settle, but no one is perfect. Like was above said, you figure out what's really important and what you really don't need. What you can live with and what you can't. It's not settling, it's something else. Adapting doesn't feel like the right word either. Nor does compromising. IDK...but it's something.
Might I ask why such a long relationship ended only a few years after same-sex marriage was legalized?
 

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1) No. While I clubbed a lot during my younger years, my (now ex) husband and I met through an AOL personal ad of all places (I responded to his). This was back in the mid 90s when AOL was the popular thing.

2) Not settle, but no one is perfect. Like was above said, you figure out what's really important and what you really don't need. What you can live with and what you can't. It's not settling, it's something else. Adapting doesn't feel like the right word either. Nor does compromising. IDK...but it's something.
The word is definitely compromise. Any relationship must have it from both sides in some regard to be successful