Honestly, I'm feeling suicidal. Help.

[Dooky]

this is a strange forum to post on but i really dont know who to talk to. Talking to people who dont care about me will provide a more accurate response to my troubles.

First off, I am not feeling self-pity. I am not looking for attention by posting this. I am not looking for a shower of DONT DO IT's etc. Pretty much, I have been depressed since I can remember being alive.

Lately, I've been plagued with the thought of why i even exist. What point is there? I'm not religious. i despise religion and all its being. Too many different religions dont add up to me. if there was one faith that was so good then wouldnt everyone choose it? Lately i just think, if i died right now, few would miss me and theyd get over it eventually. Life goes on right? I'm going to die soon enough. Why am i here? I'm not going to make a difference in the world and if i do, who cares? why are we even on earth? why is anyone alive? not like anything matters. we live to die. if nothing changes, nothing changes. nothing gets better, nothing gets worse. Right now, I stay up playing video games and ignoring my girlfriend (who is also my only true friend outside of video games). I feel terrible about it because shes a nice, beautiful girl that deserves much better. I feel like a failure but, then i stop caring cause nothing matters to me. Honestly, why get a job start a future, why LIVE. whats the fucking point.

I have a few people who care about me. I failed every class last semester at college. I had no motivation. the only friend i made at college my entire freshman year was my roomate. I'm not even just looking for an easy way out of my problems. In fact i plan on solving my problems before i go you know?

I honestly just feel i have no meaning. nobody does.

Ill write more i just wanted to get a lil off my chest and tell somebody on this earth my thoughts seeing as i can't talk to anyone in my life about this. Mom will overreact. my gf will be on "suicide watch". and watch the fuck ever. Thanks for listening.

~I don't want to draw pity seriously not looking for just attention. looking for help. please. there must be 1 person on the forums that has seriously contimplated before in their life.

Thank you and Sorry

 

[flame boy]

Don't apologize for posting and you're not alone -- there are people all over the world who feel the way you do. If it is any comfort or solace just remember that no matter how awful you may feel, there are people who loved and care for you - some of them may not be very good at showing it but they care deeply for you.

If you feel you need to speak with an impartial person, in America you can call 1-800-SUICIDE or visit their website at www.hopeline.com. Try and be strong and remember that you are a valuable person with much to offer.

 

[goodwood]

hi there Dooky

sorry to hear you are feeling this way. surely it can't feel good. have you called a suicide prevention hot line number? it seems like there are so many issues that are rolling around in your head that it might help to talk with someone to sort them out one by one and then address each one. look online or even in the phone book/yellow pages for a suicide prevention number and give them a call.
have you considered seeing a doctor about your depression? if there is a chemical imbalance that can be determined, then it could be corrected and would allow you to be in a better frame of mind.
just because you feel that your life is pointless right now, does not mean that there is no point to your life. its just that you may not know what that is at the moment.
hang in there buddy.

 

[Dooky]

but the thing is if i offer anything i just feel like whatever. its gonna be gone in a little bit soon. and thank you for the support. just wish there was someone with experience i could speak with. not gonna call on the phone my mom will hear me. idk man

 

[Dooky]

hi there Dooky

sorry to hear you are feeling this way. surely it can't feel good. have you called a suicide prevention hot line number? it seems like there are so many issues that are rolling around in your head that it might help to talk with someone to sort them out one by one and then address each one. look online or even in the phone book/yellow pages for a suicide prevention number and give them a call.
have you considered seeing a doctor about your depression? if there is a chemical imbalance that can be determined, then it could be corrected and would allow you to be in a better frame of mind.
just because you feel that your life is pointless right now, does not mean that there is no point to your life. its just that you may not know what that is at the moment.
hang in there buddy.

and i am bipolar which is probably the worst of the problems. so i guess its not even depression. manic depression. and i do not have any pills for it. but i dont feel like getting them. but i know i should. but whatever...

 

[flame boy]

but the thing is if i offer anything i just feel like whatever. its gonna be gone in a little bit soon. and thank you for the support. just wish there was someone with experience i could speak with. not gonna call on the phone my mom will hear me. idk man

You can speak to experienced people on 1-800-SUICIDE, the number is free so it wont cost a thing, if you don't want your mother to hear you could use your cell phone out of the house or use a public pay phone. They are well trained and professional people who are waiting to help you.

 

[lickme69]

this is a strange forum to post on but i really dont know who to talk to. Talking to people who dont care about me will provide a more accurate response to my troubles.

First off, I am not feeling self-pity. I am not looking for attention by posting this. I am not looking for a shower of DONT DO IT's etc. Pretty much, I have been depressed since I can remember being alive.

Lately, I've been plagued with the thought of why i even exist. What point is there? I'm not religious. i despise religion and all its being. Too many different religions dont add up to me. if there was one faith that was so good then wouldnt everyone choose it? Lately i just think, if i died right now, few would miss me and theyd get over it eventually. Life goes on right? I'm going to die soon enough. Why am i here? I'm not going to make a difference in the world and if i do, who cares? why are we even on earth? why is anyone alive? not like anything matters. we live to die. if nothing changes, nothing changes. nothing gets better, nothing gets worse. Right now, I stay up playing video games and ignoring my girlfriend (who is also my only true friend outside of video games). I feel terrible about it because shes a nice, beautiful girl that deserves much better. I feel like a failure but, then i stop caring cause nothing matters to me. Honestly, why get a job start a future, why LIVE. whats the fucking point.

I have a few people who care about me. I failed every class last semester at college. I had no motivation. the only friend i made at college my entire freshman year was my roomate. I'm not even just looking for an easy way out of my problems. In fact i plan on solving my problems before i go you know?

I honestly just feel i have no meaning. nobody does.

Ill write more i just wanted to get a lil off my chest and tell somebody on this earth my thoughts seeing as i can't talk to anyone in my life about this. Mom will overreact. my gf will be on "suicide watch". and watch the fuck ever. Thanks for listening.

~I don't want to draw pity seriously not looking for just attention. looking for help. please. there must be 1 person on the forums that has seriously contimplated before in their life.

Thank you and Sorry

Sounds like you are seriously depressed. I know you may have heard this before, but seeing someone and getting on some meds can help get you on the right track. You need to talk with someone. Try talking to your GF about all of this. You need to talk to someone who cares about you and really knows you.
Trust me there are people out there that do care about you and would miss you if you were gone.
Please get some help.

 

[goodwood]

good job flame boy on coming up with the info. for dooky.
dooky - can you look it up online?
at least write the number down and give a ring when your mom isn't around.
as far as 'its gonna be gone in a little bit soon', there is plenty of time and a lot to look forward to that you just aren't realizing at the moment.
other than video games do you have any other interests or hobbies? have you thought about working out?

one thing that may help is to focus on someone or something other than yourself to take your focus off of your situation. have you thought about writing down things or making a list of exactly what is bothering you, putting it away and reading it in a week and see if you are still feeling the same way about things?

growing up in a severely dysfunctional household with perfection being demanded of me, it was a tremendous amount of pressure to perform in sports, academics and socially and while on the outside it seemed that i had a the 'perfect' life. looks, money, hot girlfriends, cars, travel but on the inside i was suicidal. it seemed to me at the time that no matter what i did or how good i was at anything, it wasn't good enough, that i wasn't good enough. i don't know if that's how you are feeling but i know what it feels like to not want to live.
it's great that you are asking questions, asking for help and advice so keep asking.

 

[tripod]

but the thing is if i offer anything i just feel like whatever. its gonna be gone in a little bit soon. and thank you for the support. just wish there was someone with experience i could speak with. not gonna call on the phone my mom will hear me. idk man

You need to think about your family... they will experience your suicide over and over for the rest of their lives... it will fucking haunt them. Are you even aware of the negative consequences of suicide?

1). You might survive and be an invalid or vegetable for the rest of your life with NO ability ease the pain.

2). Your family will be traumatized to great degrees from your suicide.

3). Your family will have to live with the social stigma of your suicide.

People turn their live's around every day... the ability of the human spirit to renew itself and experience rebirth is an ability that all humans have at their disposal. Don't deny yourself this experience by ending your life at such a YOUNG age.

Call the hotline NOW!!!!!

Don't do it... simply don't.

 

[Xcuze]

There are millions of options in life. But you need to be in a position of clarity to see them. Reading your post you seem overwhelmed with doom and gloom. I don't think anyone here will be able to lift that cloud with any number of words.

The fact that you say you've always felt this way indicates that this negativity is an intrinsic part of your make up. You may need some kind of medication to balance this out and at least open up some positive thoughts within you. You really need to see a doctor for any serious help. Please do, what do you have to lose at this point? But you have so much to gain.

You really should talk to your GF about this too. She could help you in more ways than you can imagine. So could your family. But there are many outside organisations who could give you great advice and help too. Dedicate a day to seeking them out; online, libraries, yellow pages etc Get as many contacts as you can because one of them could have the solution you need to turn your life around.

Good luck and.....DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SUICIDE. Choose life!

 

[luka82]

Please....don`t hurt yourself.....life will bring u so much joy...trust me!

 

[Dooky]

it will? when? i am just so out of options. I dont want to try either. i have no motivation.

 

[B_Nick8]

I completely believe you when you say:

I am not feeling self-pity. I am not looking for attention by posting this. I am not looking for a shower of DONT DO IT's

because when I tried to kill myself when I was 17 I felt exactly the same way. I told no one, there were no outside "warning signs", it wasn't a "cry for help" and I had every intention of doing it and accomplishing it.

I had come to the conclusion that I could not make anyone in my life happy despite my best efforts. I knew I could not change who I was. I had lost my girlfriend, my boyfriend and, through my family's move, my hometown. It seemed utterly pointless to go on.

I took every pill in my mother's medicine cabinet along with a great deal of bourbon and calmly wrote in my journal of all the failings I'd made as a person and noted that dying didn't feel so bad, not at all, and went to sleep.

Unfortunately, a friend who was to have picked me up at noon to go riding decided to come early and when my mother couldn't rouse me at 7:00 they took me to the hospital and pumped my stomach. Two hours later and I would have been dead.

When I woke, I was furious. Well, bleary and furious. Swearing and flailing and embarrassed and just livid. I spat at the psychiatrist they made me talk to. He poked and prodded to get me to tell him why so I finally said "Yeah, I sucked a dick" just to shut him up because it was the worst thing I could think of to say. And I told my mother the whole thing was pointless because when I got out I was just going to do again because I'd made up my mind.

In the end, she and my new girlfriend, separately, each did a very smart thing: they asked me to promise to give life one year. Just to give it one more year and then if I wanted to do it again they wouldn't try to stop me. Worn out from trying to fight them, I agreed.

The thing is, 18 looks very different than 17 does, just as 19 will look very different than 18 does to you now. A year later, I'd had moments of joy I couldn't have conceived of having missed. I had friends I never would have met. There were possibilities that never would have opened.

These are the things that end when you end your life. This is the finality you make real. This is what you need to understand.

I can't tell you not to do it. I can only hope you won't. The person you are today is not the person you will be in a year or the person you will be the year after that. You're not only killing yourself, you're killing all the selves you'll ever be.

The only thing I'm furious at now is at that 17 year old boy whose decision might have kept me from having the incredible life, even with all its pain, that I've been having.

Please pm if I can help.

 

[luka82]

things will get better mate,they always do!
u just have to concentrate on the good things,and u certainly must have some!
im feeling depressed right now.....but i know that when i wake up tomorrow,things will look better,and thats something i learned,i learned how to wake up happy,and u can do it too,just try to think positive the moment u wake up!

 

[Mem]

What you are feeling is not normal. You need help. You probably have a chemical imbalance that is twisting your thoughts. Hopefully you can find some meds to make you stable. Good luck.

 

[luka82]

:smlove2:

I completely believe you when you say:

I am not feeling self-pity. I am not looking for attention by posting this. I am not looking for a shower of DONT DO IT's

because when I tried to kill myself when I was 17 I felt exactly the same way. I told no one, there were no outside "warning signs", it wasn't a "cry for help" and I had every intention of doing it and accomplishing it.

I had come to the conclusion that I could not make anyone in my life happy despite my best efforts. I knew I could not change who I was. I had lost my girlfriend, my boyfriend and, through my family's move, my hometown. It seemed utterly pointless to go on.

I took every pill in my mother's medicine cabinet along with a great deal of bourbon and calmly wrote in my journal of all the failings I'd made as a person and noted that dying didn't feel so bad, not at all, and went to sleep.

Unfortunately, a friend who was to have picked me up at noon to go riding decided to come early and when my mother couldn't rouse me at 7:00 they took me to the hospital and pumped my stomach. Two hours later and I would have been dead.

When I woke, I was furious. Well, bleary and furious. Swearing and flailing and embarrassed and just livid. I spat at the psychiatrist they made me talk to. He poked and prodded to get me to tell him why so I finally said "Yeah, I sucked a dick" just to shut him up because it was the worst thing I could think of to say. And I told my mother the whole thing was pointless because when I got out I was just going to do again because I'd made up my mind.

In the end, she and my new girlfriend, separately, each did a very smart thing: they asked me to promise to give life one year. Just to give it one more year and then if I wanted to do it again they wouldn't try to stop me. Worn out from trying to fight them, I agreed.

The thing is, 18 looks very different than 17 does, just as 19 will look very different than 18 does to you now. A year later, I'd had moments of joy I couldn't have conceived of having missed. I had friends I never would have met. There were possibilities that never would have opened.

These are the things that end when you end your life. This is the finality you make real. This is what you need to understand.

I can't tell you not to do it. I can only hope you won't. The person you are today is not the person you will be in a year or the person you will be the year after that. You're not only killing yourself, you're killing all the selves you'll ever be.

The only thing I'm furious at now is at that 17 year old boy whose decision might have kept me from having the incredible life, even with all its pain, that I've been having.

Please pm if I can help.

:hug::smlove2:

 

[mitchymo]

Hi...i have thought the same things and have tried to end it on one occasion which didnt work (obviously), this during my teens when i was struggling with my orientation...i had exactly the same whats hows and whys about the world and point of my own and human existence....i couldnt find an answer but realised that i was an agnostic so it helps if you walk, thats what i did...i spent about two hours walking around the circumference of my town after dalk when it was raining mildly...its good to have the peace to think and the rain is complimentary to feeling down, actually quite a mood enhancer when your doing it.

I dont think anyone can give you answers, nobody gave me any...i think you have to search for yourself.

I got depressed once more in my life but this time i didnt have to walk, my sister died of a life-long condition when i was 26 and hearing my mother utter the words in tears that she couldnt handle going through THAT experience again i knew that i could never take my own life however depressed i got or get.
Things change in life and your at the age where your moving properly into adulthood.
Either there is something wrong that you deep down know or perhaps your insecure for an unknown reason in which i would seek help (a friend of mine suffered manic depression and quit her job and she had no idea why she was depressed, even laughed about it when she was trying to explain what was wrong) so it could be medical issue needs addressing

 

[Dooky]

still dont get a point to my life or any life for that matter. I dont know anyone who thinks like i do. i feel extremely alone. i dont have anything in common with anyone. nobody that lives in my area.

 

[BiItalianBro]

The thing is, 18 looks very different than 17 does, just as 19 will look very different than 18 does to you now. A year later, I'd had moments of joy I couldn't have conceived of having missed. I had friends I never would have met. There were possibilities that never would have opened.

These are the things that end when you end your life. This is the finality you make real. This is what you need to understand.

I can't tell you not to do it. I can only hope you won't. The person you are today is not the person you will be in a year or the person you will be the year after that. You're not only killing yourself, you're killing all the selves you'll ever be.

^^^^^ This is wisdom buddy ^^^^^

I can assure you...speaking from personal experience, that the man you are today will not be the man you are at 20,25,30,40, etc. Change is possible...but change requires commitment and action that can only come from within yourself. You are making a very good first step by sharing your feelings of self-harm and wanting feedback....now maybe it is time to tell your girl, parent(s) or a social worker about them .

You mention that you are bipolar...and I am sorry to hear that. You have a chornic, lifelong illness...just like people who have diabetes, alcoholism, rheumatism, etc.... and it sounds like you understand that. Is it fair? Hellz no...but it is what it is. The good news is that it can be kept in check with the help of doctors, counselors and support groups. That is where the effort on our part comes into play.

I can tell from your posts that you are in allot of pain, and I am sincerely empathetic to your suffering...ive been there. I can also tell you that no one is doomed from birth and we are all blessed with free will. As cliche as it is, the saying "if nothing changes, then nothing Changes" is SO true. I really hope that this emotional valley becomes the springboard your need to do whatever it takes to get better and find peace :redface:. Godspeed my friend.

 

[ZOS23xy]

but the thing is if i offer anything i just feel like whatever. its gonna be gone in a little bit soon. and thank you for the support. just wish there was someone with experience i could speak with. not gonna call on the phone my mom will hear me. idk man

I was sinking deep into depression earlier this year and got help and now take anti depressants. I still look for the way beyond the issues of depression. I am a former failed suicide. Okay. Realise that (from me) that pain does end, and that there can be good days.

Suicide was the aim, and tried several times. What cleared my mind was to get a sense of reality and worth from yoga and exercise and reading and reaching out to my friends and family.

stay in touch here. The subject is vaster than we've tapped upon.