Hook Ups While Looking for Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by italiancollegeboy, Oct 15, 2009.

  1. italiancollegeboy

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    So a little bit of an update on my situation. I'm gay and looking for a relationship, I think. I am also ok with just hooking up at this point though. I've tried to start possible relationships with 2 cute boys, but both of those didn't work out. There is another guy who seems really into me and we have been fooling around some. I think he wants things to go further, and wants me to fuck him. I've never had sex with a guy before. I enjoy fooling around, but I am not really attracted to this guy. I'm not sure what I should do. Should I keep fooling around? Or should I stop, and wait for a true relationship, as hard as that may be and as long as that might take? thoughts?
     
  2. sam_solo26

    sam_solo26 New Member

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    I'm kinda in the same boat as you. It's best just to be honest with the other person. Have a "just so you know..." moment, or casually throw it into a conversation about relationships and what you're looking for, where you make it clear that this is as far as you're willing to go right now, and that you just want to keep things as fun as they are now. If they push the issue, and you repeatedly have to turn them down, then there's clearly something wrong. The requirements for any relationship, mutual respect and expectations, are out of balance. So you'll have to weigh the pros and cons, according to your own personal values.

    Personally, I don't pursue anything if I don't find them attractive in some way. I wouldn't really get much out of it. But if you find him interesting, keep him around until you find someone better. Don't lead him on, and get whatever relationship experience you can from him so that you'll be a better partner for the next person. :)
     
  3. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Horny as I was as a teenager I never had sex until I met a guy with whom the bond of friendship was strong. When the sex happened we both wanted and needed it; it confirmed the bond of love that had come to be between us. The sex ended when we graduated from high school, but our love is still there.

    All relationships do not involve sex, but when two persons love each other sex is fantastic because it does in a wonderful way confirm and strengthen the bond. One is likely to have fewer partners that way but one avoids the frustrations of casual sex. Lasting relationships demand commitment. And, the hope is that one day one will find that person with whom one is willing and eager to make a commitment for a lifetime.

    Sam solo, are you suggesting that it is alright to "use" another person while "looking for someone better"?
     
    #3 Corius, Oct 15, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2009
  4. sam_solo26

    sam_solo26 New Member

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    Yes and no. We all use other people to varying degrees. As in life, where energy is constantly redistributed and equalized, relationships are sites of exchange. We use the other person, and they use us. But we should also give to the other person, sacrifice, and they should do the same. The hook-up or fuck buddy relationship is no different. I was saying that both parties should be honest every step of the way. If one person develops stronger feelings than the other, and their intentions and expectations grow beyond the original premise of the relationship, then the equation has become unbalanced and they should make that clear to the other person. At that point, they have to decide whether or not to continue.

    I do agree with you, Corius, about abstaining from sex. It really is much more fulfilling as an expression of mutual love than mutual lust. But that's not realistic for many people, and I was saying that there are still healthy ways of building short term or limited relationships. A person can still learn from those experiences so long as they are honest to themselves and the other person and don't intentionally cause harm. It's murky water to be sure, but it can still be done.
     
  5. Countryguy63

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    In my opinion, it's not using if everything is upfront and out in the open. If you put your honest felings out there, and he accepts it and continues to want a physical rekationship, if you're ok with it, go for it.

    On the flip side of abstaining until the right one comes along, I've known of several successful relationships (one going on 12 yrs) the developed from an intial "hook up". So, 6 to 1, and half a dozen to the other.
     
  6. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    Sincerely hope the OP appreciates that the comments we make are likely to be based on our own approach and experience. One always has to give out one's own thoughts hoping that others will understand that one is not prescribing the only right approach; ordinary humility demands that being human one can be wrong. It's always up to the reader to make his own decisions; if they turn out badly he will then not be tempted to blame some guy who merely shared his own thoughts with him.

    For me a simple hook up never had any attraction; I always wanted to know my partner and I found that to know him/her was to love him/her, and I found the sex with that partner to be fantastic--not just a one time "deal" but an enduring communion.
     
  7. whatireallywant

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    Exactly... I'm in this kind of situation too. I'm open to all the possibilities, ranging from a one night stand to marriage and everything in between. I don't want to wait until I find "Mr. Right" in order to have sex though - it could be a looooooong wait! And I've never been known for my patience! :biggrin1:

    However, I don't like to use people, and I think that if you don't try to deceive someone into thinking that you are wanting a relationship with them when you are actually not looking for something serious with them, it's fine.
     
  8. italiancollegeboy

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    so maybe this is what i was trying to say before. what do you think about having hook ups while trying to find someone for a relationship?

    basically, i'm a little unsure of what to do and getting a little frustrated. I've waited before, and gone about things in a slow, flirty way with no results. I've also gone after the hook up and had no result in a relationship. It seems like no matter what I choose, it doesn't work.
     
  9. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    I find that attitude pretty crappy.

    I don't know if you are an asshole, but you sound like one.
     
  10. DiscoBoy

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    It's different for each individual. Some people can jump right into casual sex without a second thought, while others need some sort of foundation with a person before even being comfortable with the thought of sex.

    If you can jump right into it feeling perfectly comfortable, then why not? You have urges and desires and they need to be sated. Just make sure both parties are aware of the intention/purpose. Likewise, if you're not comfortable with it, don't feel obligated to force yourself into doing these things.

    All in all, it holds no bearing on your integrity as a person, or even on any future relationships (unless of course, a random hook up results in a relationship). Just think of it as practice for when you finally do find a special someone.

    All the best to you.:smile:
     
  11. Bbucko

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    Personally I'm of the mind that there's nothing immoral in mutually-exploitative casual sex, whether it's with a FB or just a one-time hookup, provided each gets what s/he wants while satisfying the other.

    And I reiterate what's been said by others regarding the progress from one relationship status to another. All of my partners started as one nighters, progressed to FBs and gradually developed into something more meaningful.
     
  12. italiancollegeboy

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    hmm this is really helpful! thank you all! i'm kinda thinking that even though "mutually-exploitative" or casual sex/hook-ups are nice, they are causing me more problems actually. see, i want to be with a guy--that is, in a relationship with a guy. i think i want this so bad that I flirt with a guy i'm interested in dating and take things too far too fast, thus ruining any long-term potential. but like i said before, i've also taken the slower route and not had much success either. let's hope something works out
     
  13. jerryhall

    jerryhall New Member

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    Have as much sex as you would like until you get committed. I think most guys expect that. Once you get committed, you might wonder what it would be like to have a lot of sex with different guys, if you haven't already tried it, you might feel regret and longing.

    If you read the threads on here about long term relationships, you will see that many couples met in one-night stand settings and are very happy together after many years in monogamous relationships. Most straight guys I know are jealous of gay guys on one count only: that sex between men can have no strings attached! Enjoy. Be Safe!
     
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