Hopefully, that was the hardest one...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by zzorus, Mar 4, 2005.

  1. zzorus

    zzorus New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2004
    Messages:
    141
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia

    Firstly, don't apologize. It is a very thoughtful and sensitive post, and I bet it has been good for you to write the details at length.

    Your brother sounds a very angry person, and it seems that he is very disappointed in himself.
    However, I think a good sign is the way he treated you last night-giving you a hug I mean-and in the morning.

    Don't be scared by crying in such a situation: it showed your brother that his attitudes do affect people. Maybe it was the first time that he has experienced some empathy.
    You have changed him by the way: he has said he won't talk in his prejudiced way around you. And then this may not be around other people either: maybe he will stop thinking like this altogther. See, the Power of One!

    But yes, I do hope your future coming out experiences will be gentler.

    All the best to you from

    zzorus
     
  2. Freddie53

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2004
    Messages:
    7,285
    Likes Received:
    61
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The South, USA
    Our thoughts are with you. I see you are almoght 18. I think I would wait until my 18th birthday. Not that actual day but withiin the month. At that point your parents can't force you to go through any "treatment" that you don't want to go through. If you were 15, I would go ahead and tell them.

    About your brother. There is a good chance he is gay. All this anti gay crap may be a cover up for the real situation. Happens all the time.

    Just watch and be there for him if he need to come out as well.

    I hope and pray that your parents will accept you unconditionallly.

    Freddie
     
  3. txquis

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2003
    Messages:
    1,831
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    (omg..posters...erase the message before you reply :) )

    Hey, man.
    I understand your story.
    It is fear and anger and (forgive me) a certain amount of ignorance causing those feelings.

    You are the brave one, for sure, to tell him.
    People who are totally comfortable and happy with themselves, usually
    dont have a big problem with others.
    Best of luck
     
  4. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,283
    Likes Received:
    1
    Kudos to you, Always! Hopefully your parents will be easier to break the news to and your brother will "grow up" some day.

    And yes people, just use the Add Reply button at the bottom. It makes for a lot less scrolling. :spank:
     
  5. Altairion

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2005
    Messages:
    1,607
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Seattle, WA
    Congrats on sharing your feelings with your brother dude. Given time, your brother might learn how to accept people for who they are. It sounds like you took a big risk in telling somone who has placed themself on the extreme opposite side of the spectrum whether he was your brother or not, but from here out it will hopefully be easier for you to tell others.
     
  6. Dr Rock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2005
    Messages:
    3,696
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    heh. sounds like your brother, like a lot of vocal bigots, talks a good game but doesn't actually have any courage in his supposed "convictions." I doubt he'd ever have the nerve to call a black guy a nigger to his face, for example. people who drone on constantly about how much they hate this or that minority or whatever are usually just covering their own insecurities with an outside image that they perceive as threatening. it's easier to declaim or devise faults and inadequacies in other people, than to face up to your own.

    so I'd say don't think TOO harshly of him - sure he's an obnoxious twit, but he's only behaving like that because he's very scared and/or unhappy about something, probably himself. it's clear from the way he reacted to the issue of your sexuality that his projected image is pretty shallow, and he probably stands a good chance of becoming a worthwhile human being if he can get over himself.
     
  7. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2004
    Messages:
    140
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    congrats..thats tough to do.
    I came out to my brother, about 3 months back, he is the only one that knows. I never fond that to be a big deal since I knew he would be ok with it. (even though he was very shocked because I didn't have any of the qualities that people think gay people have)
     
  8. Royal_T

    Royal_T New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2004
    Messages:
    107
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto

    I couldnt agree more.
     
  9. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    We are socialized to fear all that is different than we are. It takes a truly evolved mentality to live without judgment of others and be comfortable enough to enjoy the uniqueness of our differences without being intimidated by them. Congrats on your bold move and hopefully, your relevation will help your brother.
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2004
    Messages:
    1,100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Right Next To You
    Very touching story...Hopefully your brother will learn acceptance through you...Out of curiousity - how old is your brother and where do you think he learned his views of minorities from...I only say that because I think racism is a learned behavior...Your brother seems to have some real issues he needs to take care of...Good luck and I hope it gets better for you...You are pretty brave to stand up for your beliefs and convictions...
     
  11. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Alwaysthere, I join the others in applauding you in coming out to your brother, even with the emotion injected. We are all emotional beings, those who attempt to hide it make themselves weaker in the longrun. Racism and hatred of most kinds is largely based in fear- fear of the unknown, fear of that which is different- and coupled with ego. For someone with a low sense of self esteem, it can be very gratifying to belong to the "approved group" in a given situation. Your brother obviously feels horrible about himself or he would not need to constantly build himself up by stepping on the backs of others. I feel sorry for people like this, they are sick and weak. Perhaps with enough time, he will outgrow his childish ways and become a real man. The fact the he agreed not to talk disrespectfully to you is at least a good sign.

    Someone on here a few months ago (for the life of me, I can't remember who) said something to the effect of how he felt that as a gay man, it was his job to bring enlightenment to the world. I think this is certainly as good a statement as I could think of. We all learn so much more from those who are different from us than those who are the same. People who are like us give us comfort, but those who are different teach us to stretch our boundaries and grow in humanity. No doubt, you will be a big help to your brother.
     
  12. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Madame Zora--
    When are you goning to run for President or something?
    People like you make being "different" SO much easier (and FUN)

    *hugs*
     
  13. zzorus

    zzorus New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2004
    Messages:
    141
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    I too wondered about your brother's age-and he is younger than what I had expected. So I think that you really have a chance to make a difference to him, by standing up to him, even though you were crying. I'm sure you have already made a difference; maybe he will turn out to be a nice person eventually. If he does, I think it will in large part be due to you.

    Once again, all the best to you,

    zzorus
     
  14. taven

    taven Member

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    174
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Mme. Z,
    As always I'm impressed with your thought processes and your ability to exprss them. I'm particularly drawn to your "comfort" vs "stretch" statement. As Queequeg said, "True! True!"
     
  15. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Aww, thanks Taven and Lexman, you guys are so awesome. This place is my second family and I really care that we all learn to love each other in our own ways. These coming out stories touch me deeply because I remember the fear in my daughter's eyes when she came out to me- and she had ME as a parent! She had known me her whole life and was still afraid of rejection about being gay, so I can only imagine what many others must go through. I really wish I could remember who said the thing about gays bringing enlightenment, because it made me cry at the time.

    The pastor of my old church said "Small things done with great love will change the world". I think coming out to a bigoted person is a big thing done with great love, the rest should be much easier.
     
  16. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    No problem man--we put the S in Support around here! :)
     
  17. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Actually, the 20 60 20 rule means that 20% will conform, 20% will dissent, and 60% will be fence sitters.

    It can be difficult to change his mind. I'm trying to compile a list of homophobic questions, but a good start might be to point him to a study published a couple years back in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Basically, some University of Georgia psychologists asked a bunch of heterosexual men about their feelings wrt homosexuality and exposed them to gay porn.

    66% of nonhomophobic men showed no significant tumescence, compared to only 20% of homophobic men. Only 24% of nonhomophobic men showed obvious tumescence, compared to 54% of homophobic men.

    As a rule, psychoanalytic theories explain homophobia as a type of repressed homosexuality. For once apparently psychoanalysis is worth something.
     
  18. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Edited.
     
  19. Pene_Negro_Grande

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2004
    Messages:
    1,100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Right Next To You
    I third the sentiment that lexman and taven said madame_zora....
     
Draft saved Draft deleted