Housemate Situation

nakedwally

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A lot of you here know that my partner of 15 years passed away last month shortly before Christmas. Since then things have been both financially and emotionally difficult.

I had to take on a housemate to help with expenses and such, so I placed an ad on Craigslist, little did I know it would be a similar story to my own. He was down on his luck and had a situation with work and such and had nowhere to go, so I took a risk and got him here to my home. 15 years ago my partner took the same risk with me.

He is mostly straight, which is fine with me. My cat really likes him, which is a good sign, she likes very few people, she's my human detector LOL.

We did fool around the morning after he arrived here but nothing since, I gave him a blowjob.

In many ways he reminds me of me and I am taking on the role of Bruce(my partner who passed) he is like a big kid in many ways, but we seem to getting along well, he works most of the day so is not home for about 12 hours a day. I know I am in an emotionally vulnerable state right now but I have developed some feelings for him, all feelings are very real, however they may not be valid and in many ways because of certain behaviors of his towards me I sense he has developed some feelings for me. I have not told him about these feelings. He is recently divorced. And comes from Northern Georgia. What really struck up a lot of these feelings for me was my cat hopped up onto his lap in the recliner and sat there for over an hour much in the way she used to do with Bruce my partner.

I can't say I am falling in love or anything like that, but these aren't exactly lustful feelings. He's got a lot of issues as do I, but in the end things are working out. I just don't want these romantic feelings to get in the way of him being a housemate and a friend.

It's a strange situation but I am glad I was there to help him much in the way Bruce helped me 15 years ago and now he has a place to call home, much in the way I did 15 years ago
 

matelalique

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I heard loud alarm bells while reading your situation, and I think you need to be honest with yourself and with each other about what you are both looking for.

You start the post talking about the financial need for a roommate (which you need from a roommate), and emotional support (which you probably need from a therapist or a close friend who knows you well). It sounds to me like you need both of these things right now.

And then you go on to describe the other roles he is fulfilling:
- a romp in the sack on your first night as roommates (loud clanging bells)
- someone who reminds you of a younger version of you
- someone in a desperate housing situation that needed your help
- someone recently on the rebound looking to replace a lost relationship
- mostly straight
- a "daddy/son" relationship
- potential romantic feelings that you haven't told him about
- your cat reminding you of Bruce

Look dude, I'm rooting for you as much as everyone else on this site that this will work out well for both of you, but it sounds to me like you found a good solution to your financial problem, and you hope to turn him into a replacement husband for the one you lost. And he checks the boxes for you with the blowjobs and the cat, and the attraction.

Great if it works, but if it doesn't (and if he is indeed straight and was just horny ...) then you put yourself in line for a second loss in rapid succession, which you really don't need right now. Particularly if he decides he has to move out, or if you decide he has to move out when he starts bringing girls home, or if you think the relationship is more important than he does.

This sounds like an awful lot of risk for you in your current emotional situation.

I suggest you think long and hard about whether you want him to be just a roommate (and not a potential romantic partner) and whether the sex complicates things; whether he wants to be in a "marriage" with you (or is likely to in the future); and whether you can handle the frustration if you "want" him, and he doesn't "want" you.

The blowjob is an interesting case in point - there are gay men who blow their straight roommates if they need release after an unsuccessful date, with the understanding that it is just that. If the blowjob says to you that he must be interested in me, then you should probably discuss it with him.

I wish the best for both of you - and I don't know what the best is - that is for you to figure out. I'm sure some thought by you and discussion with him will clarify what you both want, and whether you can continue to be roommates, will become husbands, or are sitting on a ticking time-bomb.
 
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nakedwally

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I heard loud alarm bells while reading your situation, and I think you need to be honest with yourself and with each other about what you are both looking for.

You start the post talking about the financial need for a roommate (which you need from a roommate), and emotional support (which you probably need from a therapist or a close friend who knows you well). It sounds to me like you need both of these things right now.

And then you go on to describe the other roles he is fulfilling:
- a romp in the sack on your first night as roommates (loud clanging bells)
- someone who reminds you of a younger version of you
- someone in a desperate housing situation that needed your help
- someone recently on the rebound looking to replace a lost relationship
- mostly straight
- a "daddy/son" relationship
- potential romantic feelings that you haven't told him about
- your cat reminding you of Bruce

Look dude, I'm rooting for you as much as everyone else on this site that this will work out well for both of you, but it sounds to me like you found a good solution to your financial problem, and you hope to turn him into a replacement husband for the one you lost. And he checks the boxes for you with the blowjobs and the cat, and the attraction.

Great if it works, but if it doesn't (and if he is indeed straight and was just horny ...) then you put yourself in line for a second loss in rapid succession, which you really don't need right now. Particularly if he decides he has to move out, or if you decide he has to move out when he starts bringing girls home, or if you think the relationship is more important than he does.

This sounds like an awful lot of risk for you in your current emotional situation.

I suggest you think long and hard about whether you want him to be just a roommate (and not a potential romantic partner) and whether the sex complicates things; whether he wants to be in a "marriage" with you (or is likely to in the future); and whether you can handle the frustration if you "want" him, and he doesn't "want" you.

The blowjob is an interesting case in point - there are gay men who blow their straight roommates if they need release after an unsuccessful date, with the understanding that it is just that. If the blowjob says to you that he must be interested in me, then you should probably discuss it with him.

I wish the best for both of you - and I don't know what the best is - that is for you to figure out. I'm sure some thought by you and discussion with him will clarify what you both want, and whether you can continue to be roommates, will become husbands, or are sitting on a ticking time-bomb.


First off I am not looking for a replacement partner, good lord I do not need that right now. I am not expecting anything from current housemate. Yes him and I fooled around after the first day but nothing since. I kinda have to have a housemate to pay the bills, it would actually be a lot more expensive to move than to stay here, plus Bruce and I put a lot of time and effort and finances into making this place more comfortable and more like home. Yes Francis the Cat has taken to housemate, my cat does not like too many people and her taking to him and sitting with him in the recliner, brought up very strong positive memories. I do not want a replacement partner right now, but I do enjoy having him here and helping him with certain situations in the way Bruce helped me. As far as the feelings are concerned, every single being is entitled to their feelings, in reality it is how we express and deal with those feelings.
 

ERSTF

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First off I am not looking for a replacement partner, good lord I do not need that right now. I am not expecting anything from current housemate. Yes him and I fooled around after the first day but nothing since. I kinda have to have a housemate to pay the bills, it would actually be a lot more expensive to move than to stay here, plus Bruce and I put a lot of time and effort and finances into making this place more comfortable and more like home. Yes Francis the Cat has taken to housemate, my cat does not like too many people and her taking to him and sitting with him in the recliner, brought up very strong positive memories. I do not want a replacement partner right now, but I do enjoy having him here and helping him with certain situations in the way Bruce helped me. As far as the feelings are concerned, every single being is entitled to their feelings, in reality it is how we express and deal with those feelings.
I think you should work out your loss with a grief councelor or with a therapist. Heal that part and talk about the current situation with your roomie. You might be trying to connect with someone due to your recent loss. It's totally ok, but not the time and maybe not the way because it might develop into a codependent relationship. Just relax man. You are trying to figure things out, but have some basic boundaries until you have healed and you can know for sure how you feel about the guy. Some basic boundaries, don't go full cold shoulder on him. No fooling around, don't get too emotionally dependant on him (like don't go running for him when you want to share something or when you want emotiinal support. You can do that, but don't automaticaly do that with him. Find a friend or family member who can fulfill that role right now). You will be ok man. Sorry for your loss. Just some basic boundaries and some therapy and I think you are good to go. Something must be said, it is good that you are not alone. After a big loss, it can be hell not having company.
 

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I think you should work out your loss with a grief councelor or with a therapist. Heal that part and talk about the current situation with your roomie. You might be trying to connect with someone due to your recent loss. It's totally ok, but not the time and maybe not the way because it might develop into a codependent relationship. Just relax man. You are trying to figure things out, but have some basic boundaries until you have healed and you can know for sure how you feel about the guy. Some basic boundaries, don't go full cold shoulder on him. No fooling around, don't get too emotionally dependant on him (like don't go running for him when you want to share something or when you want emotiinal support. You can do that, but don't automaticaly do that with him. Find a friend or family member who can fulfill that role right now). You will be ok man. Sorry for your loss. Just some basic boundaries and some therapy and I think you are good to go. Something must be said, it is good that you are not alone. After a big loss, it can be hell not having company.


Um yea this is kinda of an older thread, what I mean by that is it is almost two weeks old. Things are working out just fine. A lot better than I had hoped. I am not going into further details because, well just because.
 
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nakedwally

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I am going to say this and probably nothing else. Yes I have read all the suggestions and advice. And I will use what I need to. However DO NOT JUDGE ME. There have been multiple threads extremely similar to this one, I was just throwing it out there to see what thoughts were. I have been part of this LPSG community for over 13 years. Since I have posted this thread I have been judged, ridiculed, harassed, psychoanalyzed, given psychological advice by those who are NOT qualified to do so.

Things with housemate are working out in ways I never thought possible, he is turning out to be a very wonderful friend, he is someone not used to having friends. At this point in time that's what I need is a friend, things in my life are not the same since my partner of 15 years passed away. And so what I gave a straight guy a blowjob who happens to be my housemate, many many others have too. I never wanted to be in this situation, but i desperately needed a housemate to help with expenses. With every relationship there are complications and no I am not ignoring anyone's suggestions, but I don't need to be judged or ridiculed, not here, not at LPSG, this is a special community to me and I have been part of it in many ways for over 13 years, including being a moderator at one point in time. I thank everyone for their "advice" and I do appreciate it, but the meanness needs to stop.
 

sudcalifornio

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I am going to say this and probably nothing else. Yes I have read all the suggestions and advice. And I will use what I need to. However DO NOT JUDGE ME. There have been multiple threads extremely similar to this one, I was just throwing it out there to see what thoughts were. I have been part of this LPSG community for over 13 years. Since I have posted this thread I have been judged, ridiculed, harassed, psychoanalyzed, given psychological advice by those who are NOT qualified to do so.

Things with housemate are working out in ways I never thought possible, he is turning out to be a very wonderful friend, he is someone not used to having friends. At this point in time that's what I need is a friend, things in my life are not the same since my partner of 15 years passed away. And so what I gave a straight guy a blowjob who happens to be my housemate, many many others have too. I never wanted to be in this situation, but i desperately needed a housemate to help with expenses. With every relationship there are complications and no I am not ignoring anyone's suggestions, but I don't need to be judged or ridiculed, not here, not at LPSG, this is a special community to me and I have been part of it in many ways for over 13 years, including being a moderator at one point in time. I thank everyone for their "advice" and I do appreciate it, but the meanness needs to stop.
If you didn't want to be advised, why posting this? If you wanted us to agree with you, why didn't you stated that at the beginning to save yourself and us from wasting time?
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