How can I win at this?

[D_Tam_Ponds]

There is this guy that I really think is "the one" and I have posted looking for advice on the sexual side before. Now I need to throw out some more details and get some advice on the whole thing.

Long story short - this man is married to a woman who left him over a year ago to move in with another man. I was really hoping that our friendship, turned *almost* relationship, would pull him out of that situation and more into me and "us." But, she's playing all the head games. Now, please don't think I'm a home wrecker - we didn't even start talking until she had been moved in with her boyfriend for several months - so IMO, all's fair. So she continues to give him this false hope that she might come home to him (and yes, there is a child involved - very rough situation, but I'll skip all those details), which he just keeps biting on, over and over. Every time he gets it in his head that he is going to pursue me - she turns him back around into chasing after her. And she's using his pain and love for all it's worth. Well, I thought it was time to make the final bid for him - even to free him from her nonsense - and boy did it backfire on me. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks, and I finally got a response from him via text message that was apologetic about hurting me and that he and his wife are "scheduling a date for her to come home" and he thinks it's best this way. Everybody knows she's not coming back except for him - he's being ridiculous. He also said he let things go where they shouldn't have. You see, he's very old fashioned and he thinks that just having interest in me is cheating on his wife.

So I text messaged him back that maybe it was just the opposite, that he didn't let things go where they should have. Now I'm waiting. Waiting for him to wake up, to see how patient I have been, to see that his wife is truly gone, and that she wasn't worth his efforts anyway, and to see how much I love him and care about him. Is there any more I can do? Is there anything I have neglected? Is there any hope here?

 

[Kotchanski]

I think it's you that needs to wake up... Or do you like being the reserve second best?

He's married and obviously not ready to move on, yet you sit there like a good little puppy, wagging your tail hopelessly waiting for him to pat you on the head.

It doesn't matter if she's coming back or not, it doesn't matter if she's playing games with him and steering attention away from what you're offering him... It's pretty bloody clear based on what you've said that you're just as blind as he is in this situation... He doesn't want what you're offering.

Still, you've got one thing in common it seems... both holding out blind hope for something that's never likely to happen.

 

[B_subgirrl]

He's just not that into you. Or at the very least, he's into his wife as well.

Do you really want to be with someone who is still in love with his wife, even if he did give in and decide to be with you?

 

[jaxmuffdiver]

He sounds like a fool of the first order. And there is nothing you can do to change that. Sorry!

 

[_Jonesy]

AAAH. This is precisely what has happened to me and after coming out of it I can say, don't let it get to you. If he wants you he will come and get you when you show you're going to persue other interests.

Ok, you may think he is the one, but I am speaking from a personal mistake. Going after him because you think this will not make it better. And you don't want to be second best.

My advise: Say 'ok' and try something else. You don't have to date anyone else, just lay low for a bit. It does unfortunately sound like his wife has him around his finger and if it's anything like my situation was then he will have you there to lean back on when he needs support (sorry if that sounds insensitive).

If he wants you, he will realise it and he will come and get you. If not, his loss. Good luck.

 

[D_Tam_Ponds]

I guess I just have a special empathy for him as I was really hung up on someone once too. And it's not like he wasn't interested. We spent 8 months talking at all hours of the day and night leading up to this. We weren't even sleeping for talking to each other so much! We were really building up a relationship and a friendship. And this is someone that was one of my closest friends when we were early teenagers - and had lost track for 10 or 15 years. And we had chemistry - that we fought for 8 months because he is married and so old-fashioned. The problem was I asked him to take a big step, the next logical step, and I think that's about when he panicked.

 

[secondbest69]

i think Aconitum you need to wake up about him

 

[_Jonesy]

I guess I just have a special empathy for him as I was really hung up on someone once too. And it's not like he wasn't interested. We spent 8 months talking at all hours of the day and night leading up to this. We weren't even sleeping for talking to each other so much! We were really building up a relationship and a friendship. And this is someone that was one of my closest friends when we were early teenagers - and had lost track for 10 or 15 years. And we had chemistry - that we fought for 8 months because he is married and so old-fashioned. The problem was I asked him to take a big step, the next logical step, and I think that's about when he panicked.

Then it's out of your hands. You don't have any cards left to play unfortunately. Let him be the fool, but you can't persuade him and you'll only feel worse the more you do. Patience, wait and see what happens. honestly.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Wekk'if you're still going down that road I'd say just have some fun on your own with friends and whatever and invite him over as well to drag him out of the misery.

He might turn around he might not, but at least you had some fun and you helped out a friend feel better.

 

[sexplease]

I think you can wait until you're old and gray...if that's what you choose to do with your life.
One thing - You write "us" Be careful mounting too much attention on an imaginary being.

One challenge couples (including friends sometime) have trouble with is, after a time they loose sight of their own and/or the other persons needs : "I, Me, My" and "you" and "your" often becomes the focus on an imaginary "Us, We, Our" personality.
At times, selflessness is healthy as one learns from the other. It is only when the "Us" or "We" or "Our" personality isn't quite meeting needs or wants that frustration, anger, boredom and such tear holes in a relationship.
Challenges have solutions though.

The truth is, there is You, Him, Her and the Kid. Each with their own needs, wants and desires.
It's hard enough dealing with one other person in a relationship, never mind four.

Life's not so much about the haves and have nots as much as it is about the
will and will nots.

you can scheme, plan, divine or whatever to have him or have not him. - really, both pointless.
Or will you or will you not follow your heart. Only you know.

Friends work best first, but if your friendship is mutual then set alight with the passions of romantic love, cherish it all the more.

 

[dirkjesje]

Probably his wife or ex do know of your existence.
Well even that she isnt interested in him anymore, she will compete with you.
She won t give up - some women are very strange in this.
My ex-wife had an relation with another guy. I left her - as soon as I knew it, because our relation wasn t that good.
Everything went fine. Divorce, and we ended as friends.
After more than a year single, I fall in love. But she is married.
As soon as my ex-wife knew about this - she was doing every effort to gain me back and to make my girlfriend jealous.
( She was even telling the husband of my girlfriend about our secret love )
My ex went so far that she broke with her friend and stalked me and my girlfriend.
Finally my girlfriend divorced - and now we are living together.
But my ex wouldnt give up. Finally we went to police/justice/court - and now she has to keep at least 100 meters distance from us. ( 1000 Euro penalty )
Last year she made an attention move by doing a suicide attempt.
She don t really want me back, she only don t want that I can love someone else than her.

Long story, but yes you can win. Love and caring for each other is the key.

 

[D_Tam_Ponds]

Thanks for the input. I just wish he would wake up - once and for all. He yo-yos. He acts like he sees what she's really doing to him, then he acts like he thinks this is all just a silly phase of hers and she'll be back soon. You know, even if he and I aren't meant to be, I really wish he could wake up and move on. I wish he didn't have to go through this agony. He really doesn't deserve this.

And yes, I have realized for some time now that the only person stupider than him in the world is me.

 

[Stephenmass]

The pull of "family" is evidently stronger than the pull of the two of you. It may not be HER that makes him want to make it work, it MAY be his son.

 

[D_Tam_Ponds]

It's a daughter, but yes, that's a part of the equation. He's no deadbeat, and he wants his daughter full-time, not part-time.

 

[Charles Finn]

been there done that
but the man ALWAYS left the wife for me
always
so just be patient but do not sit and wait for him move on and see what else is out there for you

 

[mexdude]

You could just tell him what u feel for him