How can you improve your confidence?

B_Stronzo

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My best advice is to simply not buy anyone else's view of you. Confidence is something innate to me. I never thought I needed to conform to a designated norm so it was easy when people didn't "get me" early-on to dismiss them for the morons they were.

When it was obvious I sucked at sports and I was maligned by my contemporaries for it I just dismissed sports (and them). I remember my brother once saying "but don't you want those guys to like you?" It was the weirdest question. I didn't like them to begin with and had only given the whole thing a shot because it seemed so dreadfully important to everyone.

My mum's standard comment about me to her friends is: "You either like him or despise him but with Richard there's no question where he stands on things". From that source it's high praise too. My mother and I are very much alike... and she's just naturally confident.

One thing is certain for me though. Growing up and going through school whenever I saw someone being victimized I'd rally behind the victimized individual at any cost. It made me immensely unpopular in elementary school and into junior high. Only when I started to look a certain way was I considered "acceptable". For a time I bought that horseshit too. Got me laid alot but it was bullshit.

In a society where how someone looks is so very crucial to how one is received I suspect many are up against some pretty tough odds. But fuck, I like a hot guy as much as anyone... so who am I to say?? But one thing is certain: The old adage "treat others as you'd have them treat you" is a terrific rule of thumb.

I'm off the topic somewhat but I think that you really cannot build individual confidence until all the taught social preconceptions and issues surrounding upbringing are brought to terms and banished from the psyche.

Is that possible? I don't have a clue.
 

GoneA

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Stronzo said:
Wait!

Do what Stockard Channing does in "The Girl Most Likely to..."

i LOVE stockard channing ... and i think everyone else should too.


six degrees of separation was one of my favorites
 

windtalkerways

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BJT- I loved your post. We all use
what works for ourselves and I think
it's fabulous that you figured out a
plan that worked for you.

The method I mentioned worked for
me because I had someone in my life
who was a very negative person and
because I was confident as a youngster
this person resented it and chose to
undermine me.

I had to replace the negatives that
were thrown at me growing up with a
new belief in myself and the daily
affirmation worked wonderfully for me.
 

D_Elijah_MorganWood

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I grew up always feeling "less than". My father's cruelelty echoed in my head for a long time and still does on my worst days. Here's my personal prescription. These are not necessarily in order so I won't number them:

*Take care of the outside. Get a great haircut. Buy a new outfit. Wax your privates. Whatever it takes.
*Take care of the machine: without this, you have nothing. Exercise. Something is better than nothing. Endorphins will skewer depression which will erode self-confidence like nothing else. Eat right, drink water and get enough rest.
*Take care of your soul. Whatever your spiritual discipline or way of connecting with something greater than yourself (God, Buddah, the Ficus in your living room...). Lighten your load the old fashioned way. I like A Course In Miracles.
*Use your spare time to excel at something: ballroom dancing, playing a guitar, racing cars...whatever it is, do it until you're really good at it. This will build confidence.
*Do something nice for someone and don't tell anyone. Volunteer for charity.
*Finally, do something to DIRECTLY increase self-confidence. I listen to Anthony Robbins while I'm working, especially before I meet with clients. If you're not familiar, he takes the "get off your ass" approach. Seminars are sensational. There's something about being in a huge group of people in the process of bettering themselves.

When I don't do these things, the spectre of self-doubt creeps in again. When I'm healthy, well-rested and centered, I can do what it takes to increase my self-esteem. Since many of us were taught that we were pieces of shit growing up, it's harder for us. Living well is the best revenge. Some of you may say "what the fuck does any of this have to do with self esteem?" Everything, my friend.
 

tallguypns

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GoneA said:
you'd first have to understand that - in some cases anyway - your not the "[SIZE=-1]end result of a drunken backseat grope fest and a broken prophylactic"

once you have that down, your taking a step in the right direction.
[/SIZE]

In my case, I was the result of a leaky condom. There goes what little confidence I had.
 

tallguypns

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ChuckRich said:
I'm one of those people who have never had self confidence. Not to self diagnose but I have really low self esteem to the point of an inferiority complex and social anxiety issues. I believe it's a combination of chemical imbalances, being told how stupid/ugly/worthless i am by others, and situations confirming my negative feelings. It's so bad that I really don't talk to anyone unless I have to and I pretty much try to be as invisible as possible when I'm around people. I've been this way my whole life so I honestly don't know how to be confident. I tried positive affirmation for a long while years ago but it only works if you start to believe it and I never did. To me it felt like telling myself fire is cold, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was true it just wasn't and I'd still get burned.

There have been brief periods though where I've managed to overcome it to a degree. Mostly situations where I HAD to interact with others. Basically I'm aware that when I do talk to people they generally like me. But somehow that never feels real. I've only ever had a handful of real friends. Usually I'm someone people acknowledge when I'm around but don't think of otherwise, even in my family.

Wow chuck, I know EXACTLY how you feel. You are describing a very large part of me.
 

windtalkerways

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I am not a religious person per se.

I do not follow any organized religion,
as I basically left the church at 17 but
I do believe in some form of Higher Being.

Anway, a friend shared this with me a
while back and I thought it was worth
passing on.

It is quite lengthy but I found it worth
the read.

http://www.wowzone.com/godmemo.htm
 

AlteredEgo

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jeff black said:
Just every morning, stand in front of the mirror(naked or otherwise) :rolleyes: and say you are an attractive male or female, and then pick one or two good attributes about yourself.

I guaruntee your self confidence will grow at least one inch. I used to be 3 inches of self confidence, but thanks to continuous Positive Thinking, I am now 18.5 inches and still growing:biggrin1:

You're a cutie. Seriously. I want to molest your mind.

I totally used to do the mirror thing for a few weeks before big auditions. It helped to ease my self-conciousness enough that it was just one less thing making me nervous. I didn't always get the seat. I didn't always get the part. But I always got called back. I usually got the seat.
 

jeff black

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BronxBombshell said:
You're a cutie. Seriously. I want to molest your mind.

I totally used to do the mirror thing for a few weeks before big auditions. It helped to ease my self-conciousness enough that it was just one less thing making me nervous. I didn't always get the seat. I didn't always get the part. But I always got called back. I usually got the seat.

Thanks Bronxy! My mind is very Molestable... and squishy too, if you are into that.:rolleyes:

Sorry chuckie baby, this is a one man show. You CAN lick the mirror if you wish.
 

Webster

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ChuckRich said:
I'm one of those people who have never had self confidence. Not to self diagnose but I have really low self esteem to the point of an inferiority complex and social anxiety issues. I believe it's a combination of chemical imbalances, being told how stupid/ugly/worthless i am by others, and situations confirming my negative feelings. It's so bad that I really don't talk to anyone unless I have to and I pretty much try to be as invisible as possible when I'm around people. I've been this way my whole life so I honestly don't know how to be confident. I tried positive affirmation for a long while years ago but it only works if you start to believe it and I never did. To me it felt like telling myself fire is cold, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was true it just wasn't and I'd still get burned.

There have been brief periods though where I've managed to overcome it to a degree. Mostly situations where I HAD to interact with others. Basically I'm aware that when I do talk to people they generally like me. But somehow that never feels real. I've only ever had a handful of real friends. Usually I'm someone people acknowledge when I'm around but don't think of otherwise, even in my family.
________________________________
I know what you're talking about.
I love hiding at home all the time.
So, it's a good thing I have to go out a lot.
Otherwise, I'd be a hermit. And, that just makes
the shyness worse.

When you did the affirmations,
did you say that things "are" instead of
they "will be" or "are going to be" ?
I think that makes a big difference.

That positive attitude attracts people, money
and all kinds of good things.
The negative attitude does just the opposite.

It does take practice.

I also like to make people laugh.
That helps me a lot too.

edit:
Sorcerer's recommendation of exercise is very important. Even if it's just a long walk through the park every day.

Get a dog for unconditional love, and exercise. And, it's an instant way to meet people when you're out taking the dog for a walk.
 

rob_just_rob

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Confidence comes from succeeding at things. If you don't have success in a particular area, you won't be confident in that area.

Somewhere in my teens I got the idea that looking unapproachable and making cutting remarks was cool. As a result, I was seldom approached and people were constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, when they did approach me. Gaah, the memories make me vaguely nauseaus. And none of this was good for my confidence.

Despite knowing all this on a rational level, I still - to this day - have to remind myself to smile and not to smirk, and to stop looking like I'm pissed off at the world, even if I am.
 

ChuckRich

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Thanks for all the advice guys. It's really helpful. It makes it actually seem doable which is already a big improvement over how I usually feel.

PS. I loved "Girl Most Likely To..." I saw it for the first time when I woke up in the middle of the night and it was one TV. I was all "OMG it's Rizzo!" and I was up for the night. LOL
 

D_Humper E Bogart

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I need to post more!

Personally, I suck when it comes to human-human relationships. I think it's because I'm self confident within my own terms. I can do pretty much whatever I want and be confident I wont be rat-arsed about it, but it's the "human factor of the equation" that really FUBARs my "style."

I think when the crap happens, I just flow with it, like being kicked out of an airplane with a parachute. You're already falling, so start working out how to not go SPLAT!

So far I've managed to blag continued work with my agency despite gaining the (wrong) opinion that I had a negative attitude towards my work, managed to make it into small-time 'adult entertainment', possibly on my way to the Brit version of Area 51, going to do a 1 year course crammed into one month...

And I know I can do it!

Just don't watch me do it, OK?