How can you tell if your "straight" friend has a crush on you and you are a guy?

[pstamner]

Hello everybody,

I was referred to this website by a friend and I had a little problem that I might get some advice from this community. Please forgive the kind of long story but I feel most of the details are important.

I have this friend who I have known for less than a year. We would spend quite a bit of time together and I was usually the one who initiated hanging out although he would also do the same sometimes. He would send me text messages about how much he missed me and I would do the same. We would send each other messages and tell each other about how much we loved each other especially after I moved away. We would both do the same unprovoked. It was wierd sometimes because when he sent messages like that unprovoked I would always respond in the same way while on a few instances he would not. There were instances that got me to think that he might have wanted to get physical. Some of these include when would drink a little and he one time held his penis and told me that if i were a girl he would **** the **** out of me which moved on to he would **** me anytime...later that night he proceeded to kiss me twice after telling me how great i looked. he told me another night that he was in love with me and he would turn gay for me. one time in my room well actually a couple of times he kept asking to see my penis and told me that he would show me his and when i looked disgusted he started dangling it in his pants. he told me a couple of times too that he wanted to masturbate with me. sometimes with one of his close friends he would touch him in front of me. before i moved away he took me out, bought me lunch and we went to some ordinary restaurant and he ordered an alcoholic drink for no reason then told me that if we play a game and i win he would kiss me. sometimes though when i told him that i missed him he would not say it back but sometimes he would say it repeatedly. After I moved and planned to visit him he ended up spending the night with me and that night he moved to where i was sleeping and when i didn't make a move he went back and then after i offered him something for his cough he offered me a back rub which i declined. The next day he started acting distant and did not want to hang out as much and when i was leaving did not hug me back after i said goodbye. i wanted to give him space and when i tried to ask him about what was wrong he kept saying i was being too sensitive etc... he then canceled our trip and then said some very hurtful things in a couple of our subsequent conversations. He said that basically I was the one who forced him into friendship with me and that I was too needy/clingy and I acted like I was in a relationship with him. He attacked the core of me and justified everything that he said by saying he could not approach me about it. He kept saying that it was a slow process that made it so that he felt like that but it definitely came only a day after we spent that day together. He doesn't seem to be that interested in a lot of women although he has hooked up with a couple before and has spoken to me about it.

Confrontation

I asked him if he thought that I was into him (so I would not put any pressure on him) and then he went on and on accusing me of being gay and when I asked why if he thought I was gay then he would do the things that he did then he said that he does that with all of his friends and I would not know what that is like because supposedly I do not hang out with guys. He said some crazy things even like "just because you suck a dick doesn't mean you're gay" and said because he is more masculine, he has lisence to say those types of things. I don't think he really made sense... When he tried to apologize it seemed so half-assed and then he got surprised that I thought that he might be gay (perhaps because he is masculine in that he has a deep voice and is well built) and he totally rejected the idea of bisexuality. Is this type of reaction typical? What should I do? I can't figure out why I still love him even though he has taken it this far to disrespect me...

I don't know where to go from here and I still love him a lot but he still seems angry at me... I noticed too that he would try to test my knowledge of the past and retell events in his own way which I knew did not happen like that. Keep in mind too that these are things he has done and I've noticed and this is not the only things we talk about too and we have spent a lot of time together.

 

[macho8]

maybe sharing his/your age would help.

 

[mattminor]

It's like a little mini-tragedy: He's too shy to make the first move, but when he finally does, you freeze up. He tells you he wants to f*** you, you don't respond. He crawls into bed with you, you freeze up. He feels rejected and says mean things to you. Your feelings get hurt, but instead of telling him how you feel you ask him if he's gay. That puts him waaaay on the defensive. etc. etc.

Just my opinion, but he doesn't know if he's gay, bi or what. He just knows that he's attracted to you. Alcohol helps lower his inhibitions. If you want advice: Try getting past being scared and tell him the truth about yourself. That you're gay, bi or whatever, that you're attracted to him, that you've been holding back because you're scared, tell him you wish you had that night he crawled into bed with you to do all over again.
It's amazing how once you open up to other people, it gives them the courage to open up to you. We all think we're good at "reading" people, and that people "know" what we're thinking...but the truth is that we all suck at it. Communication works wonders.
The truth will set you free my friend...but it takes courage.

 

[Charles Finn]

first I am glad I am not straight
just enjoy your time together

 

[pstamner]

We are in our early 20s. And I'm pretty sure he will not talk to me seeing as how he either blows up at me or walks away every time we have talked about it...
Is what he did to me something that straight men do to each other? If he was just looking for attention then why would it last so long?

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Look, whether attraction is part of this friendship or not, your story makes one thing abundantly clear. This friend of yours is a complete bastard who isn't even worth your time or interest. You're up against a guy who clearly has no inhibitions with you when he's drunk. When you're trying to figure out what they mean when he's sober, not only does he deny them, but he also jerks you around and acts beyond rude.

I respect the fact that some people aren't ready to confront serious and intense emotional feelings for other people. That happens, and it's partially excusable at times. Maybe you're trying to make sense of those feelings. Maybe you're not ready to admit what they mean in a substantive way. But still, there's confusion about how you feel and then there's being a complete and utter asshole -- who not only denies things outright, but tries to make you look like the crazy one.

Assuming that you've got all the facts laid out for us, "crushes" like these aren't even worth your time. If this is how he acts before a relationship gets started, imagine what hell you'll put yourself through if you decide to pursue him. Instead of wasting your time, why not put that energy and interest into someone who can actually reciprocate it?

 

[Deppity_Dawg]

It's amazing how once you open up to other people, it gives them the courage to open up to you. We all think we're good at "reading" people, and that people "know" what we're thinking...but the truth is that we all suck at it. Communication works wonders.
The truth will set you free my friend...but it takes courage.

Ain't it the truth!!! Just as mattminor stated. If everybody would learn to just listen to what others are saying and say what we mean, there wouldn't be any mis understandings.

My wife has problems taking me and it get very frustrating that I want to make her happy but she winds up hurting for weeks after we make love. I think that is my next stop, on the "thread board", checking out how to maybe more foreplay less intercourse.

I think I have somebody that is interested in getting it on. I hope I can handle the situation as I am attracted to him but have to wait and see what'sup.

 

[D_Adam Dangler]

Obviously he cares about you and got feelings (even if he can't confront them or admit them) and you care about him. You got feelings too, so "just" say it. If you need his arms, say it, if you his time, say it, if you're scared about how you're feeling, say it.

Don't ask, just tell (or write, or txt, anyway). And he'll feel more free to say things to you too. Don't make him feel he's the only troubled one in your relationship.

That concerns only you too so don't be shy, you don't have to make a statement of what you are, just be it. Happiness is maybe with him, in the unique kind of relationship you will create with him... Get over labels mate and live as you need to live

 

[Voglener]

......

 

[B_theaussieone]

this is kind of romantic. kinda like the popular guy who wont admit his feelings for the geeky girl and teases her, but really he cant think about being with anyone else. sigghhhh

 

[BJs4You IL]

he's confused but attracted. unless he actually comes out and decides he is gay, this is how it's always gonna be. hot when drunk, cold when sober. just be yourself. try not to respond to his taunts. he's lashing out. having said that...you may not want to have this constant frustration with him. but if you really want to be around him that much, then you have to try to just let it go as one of his typical rants.

 

[pstamner]

I guess my main question is that him lashing out at me has been going on for a month and now we are not on a talking basis anymore and he seems really angry with me and seems as a result is moving closer with his other friends so how do i talk to him now? Is his reaction to me typical and how can he be this mad for this long?
(excuse the capital letters i was just lazy to turn it off).

 

[Voglener]

I had responded earlier but erased what I said. I tend to agree with BJ4U, he's not comfortable with his own sexuality yet and seems to be venting his frustation out on you. Some "straight" guys will mess around but can't bring themselves to talk about it openly because it somehow means they're less of a man in their heads. It's crazy I know but that's the mentality of the down low male.

Try not to feed into his drama by going on about your business. It might be difficult for a while because he'll probably be bad mouthing you behind your back but if you can carry on eventually others will see him for what he is and you will still have your pride and self-respect. Also, try not to speak negatively about him to your mutual friends. Always take the high road. Eventually he may come around but don't you dare wait for him to!

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Easy. You don't. You see, you know you have a good friend if they feel that it's appropriate to tell you what you've done to piss them off as well as the steps that you can do to get back in their good graces. Good friends just extend that courtesy. In the event of some falling out, feelings will be hurt for a bit and people will act cross; then, they'll get over it and move on.

From what you've told us, it sounds like he's mad at you for something that you have no means of controlling -- his (unwanted?) attraction to you.

I don't know if reactions like this are "typical." I imagine that people can get pretty conflicted about their sexual or emotional feelings for someone else. If he thought of himself as heterosexual throughout much of his life, it's expected that these feelings for you, at the very least, would be something he needs to work with. But that's the crux of the matter. He needs to work through them and try to figure it out. Lashing at you isn't going to resolve this.

I refuse to believe this guy is your only friend. In fact, I'm pretty sure you have at least a few friends that like you and accept you as is. Why don't you worry about them just a little bit more than you're doing for this guy?

 

[Redwyvre]

Write the whole off as a learning experience and move on.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Hey, I have a story if it'd make you feel better.

About a year and a half ago, I made friends with a soon-to-be-graduating undergrad in biology. We met how a number of students who wouldn't otherwise see each other do so: to make fun of rabid evangelicals who make a tax-deferred living berating us for our sins. Soon, this lead to going out about every couple of weeks -- me, this guy, and a friend of his, and maybe a couple of others every now and then. There's a pretty cool hotel that turns into a nightclub downtown; on Thursdays, drinks are very cheap.

Bring on the drinking and dancing. This is particularly alarming to hipsters as they can't do one and the other at the same time. Meanwhile, with practically no one on the dance floor, we'd get out there and shake our butts. Fun times.

Here's where it gets interesting. Before we started hanging out regularly, the guy admitted to sexual experimentation (and actually pretty much going all the way). He likes to get drunk. When he gets drunk, he wants to dance with me. I don't care. It's not like I'm sleeping with him, so I'll dance. Even when he wasn't drunk, he was mildly flirtatious -- kinda like the way that someone keeps picking on you to affirm that they like you.

Rock and roll, as they say. When he got a girlfriend (and when he started graduate school last fall), that changed for the worse. It was bad enough that he always had to get home by 12, 12:30 at the latest. We would drink and dance, but he made this big to-do about not thinking it was appropriate to dance so closely when he's in a committed relationship.

O-kay. At first I laughed it off, then it became serious.

I'm secure enough to say, like anybody else, that it is an appreciation to get fawned over. I wouldn't call it sexual.

Oh, wait. Tons of penis jokes. Whose is bigger? Then go on and whip it out, then. Trying to get me to affirm that his penis is a good size, etc., etc.

Right, then. So, same dynamic, right? Drunk and crazily flirty; sober and a bit too insecure. School was getting chaotic at the time for me anyway, but I pretty much decided that this friendship wasn't going to work. You can't just tell that many penis jokes and expect to see no subtext in there whatsoever. I wouldn't call the guy bisexual or gay. Really, it's not fair if someone else is in control of crossing other people's boundaries (or at least attempting to) all the time; then, when you try to make light of that, it becomes super-offensive.

And it's not fair to grind. Puh-lease.

Fast forward to... yesterday, actually. Or, the day before. Got a random call out of the blue from the guy to hang out, and we actually spent the day together yesterday. We played some games at the arcade, went to a sushi place he recommended for dinner (which was really good!), and then karaoke and -- you guessed it -- dancing at that nightclub that night. Apparently, it was okay to grind together again, and I just went with it.

Here's the moral of the story. You have to do your own thing and get out of situations that don't make you happy. You have to care about yourself enough to do that instead of playing into someone else's whims. That's what this guy is, I think, to you: someone who will continue to make you feel crazy until you cut him off.

Maybe it'll be a year before you hang out, maybe longer, and maybe never. But that's just the way it is. You can't take responsibility for someone else's insecurity.