How compatible must a person be for long term dating?

[B_quietguy]

If you wanted to date somebody for a long time (more than 2 years) or a lifelong relationship, how compatible must they be with you?

100% means they share all your interests, values, beliefs, opinions, lifestyles, relationship style, whatever. 0% compatibility means you have nothing in common. Where do you draw the line for life long partners? Is it the same threshold for long term dating?

 

[lopo2000]

100% compatibility means not compatible at all for me because it just means you don't have any other lives other than the common things you share with your partner... having other non-mutual friends can be 'another life' for you already...

 

[EnTaro]

I think adding a numeric is irrelevent. Hate that about all these dating sites who claim they can match on "deep compatability" - there isn't even such a thing as a measurable psychological variable, assholes.

I'm more about a girl sharing my interests and generally being upbeat and fun, I don't want or expect them to share my deep values. In fact, I'd rather they didn't - I'm kind of an anxious workaholic and would rather not come home to the same!

 

[D_Portelay Porquesword]

If I don't click with the guy, if there is no common ground or the chemistry is not there I can't go up for anything serious.

 

[iluv2xlr8]

I think aside from the big ticket items (kids, religion to a point) I dont think you have to have that much in common. Me and my gf are similar in some areas and not in others but I like that. It gives me a chance to see things from a different perspective and learn new things.

 

[deleted3782]

Seems to be an odd question. Why would you choose to spend your life with an incompatible person? More to the point...is there anyone here that would? Why?

I have witnessed one-sided relationships before...in which one person gives a great deal of attention that is not reciprocated. I can only wonder why someone would do that to themselves...perhaps they have low self esteem, or simply want to remove themselves from the opportunity to be in a mutual and caring relationship. Kind of like Brandy in that old 70s song by Looking Glass.

They say Brandy, you're a fine girl...what a good wife you would be,
But my life, my love, and my lady is the same.

 

[rob_just_rob]

If you wanted to date somebody for a long time (more than 2 years) or a lifelong relationship, how compatible must they be with you?

100% means they share all your interests, values, beliefs, opinions, lifestyles, relationship style, whatever. 0% compatibility means you have nothing in common. Where do you draw the line for life long partners? Is it the same threshold for long term dating?

First off, who decides they want to date someone for 2 years? I don't understand the logic behind "I'll date this person for 2 years and then break up with them".

If she doesn't share my values/beliefs/relationship style, it won't work in the long term. Differences in the other areas you mentioned make the relationship interesting.

 

[Stretch]

There is no way to quantify the dynamics of a relationship...any relationship. There are no percentages, formula, rhyme or reason. Everyone carries baggage with them...the only thing that matters is that your bags match

 

[B_quietguy]

Everyone carries baggage with them...the only thing that matters is that your bags match

I like that quote!

 

[B_quietguy]

First off, who decides they want to date someone for 2 years? I don't understand the logic behind "I'll date this person for 2 years and then break up with them".

I know several people who said they were interested in short-term dating but not long-term dating. Once the NRE feelings wear off after a few weeks or months, they break up.

Some people prefer long term dating (as in longer than a few months) but have no desire for commitment. Or they might be open to life-long commitment - but only after dating for 2+ years to see if they are really compatible.

It's not my style, so I can't describe the motivation as well as people who choose short or long term dating but without the option of a primary partnership. I just know of people who do prefer that relationship style.

 

[rob_just_rob]

I know several people who said they were interested in short-term dating but not long-term dating. Once the NRE feelings wear off after a few weeks or months, they break up.

Ah. I would consider 2 years to be long term. Short term to me is 3-6 months or less. I figure if one is with someone for 2 years, you're considering making it permanent, almost by default.

 

[B_quietguy]

I came across this timely article and it reminded me of the poll here.

Lori Gottlieb posed to her research participants: "If you got 80 percent of everything you wanted -- of your ideal traits in a mate or partner -- would you be happy?"

"The majority of women said, 'No, that's settling,' and the majority of men said, 'Eighty percent? I'd be thrilled; that's a catch.'"

That shows a huge difference between men and women. If the article is right, most women are more likely to insist that a partner be 90% compatible or higher than most men.

 

[Enid]

I'm a little confused by this poll, because I do not believe compatibility means you must share all of your partner's interests, beliefs and opinions. I don't think you need to have a ton of things in common with someone in order to be compatible with them. A little common ground can be nice when it comes to the important issues (children or no children, live together or marriage et al). And I do think it's very important to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to relationship style (non-monogamy, monogamy or whatever else floats your boat). But many other things are negotiable, IMO. (In some ways opposites can work well, because each has a little bit of something to keep the other in check and from becoming too far skewed in one direction.)

Maybe I am biased because my partner and I came from two vastly different backgrounds. There's not much we had in common externally when we met, but we have a great personality fit and solid physical chemistry so it works really well. That's primarily what compatibility means to me.

 

[B_quietguy]

... I don't think you need to have a ton of things in common with someone in order to be compatible with them. A little common ground can be nice when it comes to the important issues (children or no children, live together or marriage et al). And I do think it's very important to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to relationship style (non-monogamy, monogamy or whatever else floats your boat). But many other things are negotiable, IMO. ...

That's true for me as well. Some things are nonnegotiable. I want an open poly relationship and don't intend to create children. I insist on nonreligious partners with liberal political views. I also want partners with drug-free, drama-free, nonsmoking, sex-positive, in touch with their feelings and needs, and able to communicate those to their partners. These are bottom line issues for me.

Whether or not she is vegetarian, likes to travel, or listens to the same music I do is not important as other issues. Height, weight, ethnicity, and stuff like that don't matter as much or at all.