How did you "come out"?

[mindstar]

coming out for me was probably one of the most stressfull moments in my life...
i was blackmailed into it - which probably sounds worse than it is - but when your 19 and someone is threatening to tell your dad that his youngest son is a screaming homosexual... yes well...

I was having anxiety attacks left right & centre
I told dad I was gay
His response was - "as long as you are happy"
you could have floored me - I was expecting to be thrown out of home etc - but for a european male (we're dutch) he was very cool with it - he walked into my bedroom one time when i was giving my first boyfriend head and he didn't even blink.
Although 14 years later and he still thinks I am going through a phase *laughs*

Came to my friends at about the same point in time and I lost a lot of them because they couldn't handle it. I had my best friend from high school ask me if why couldn't I be bi - that he could understand and accept... I basically told him where to go in no short order.

I think as other people have said it all depends...
If I had my life to live over - would I come out? no
I don't see why I should have to tell people that I am gay
its not like heterosexuals have to admit to being heterosexual - so I don't see why gay men and lesbians feel this compulsion to come out...

congrats moi sorry you posted while i was typing

 

[Spoogesicle]

"Mom, what time is dinner? Oh, and by the way, I chug cock, okay?"

 

[mjcp]

Good work Moi!

When I told my mom, I sat her down and had a calm cool, rational and respectful conversation. I'm very proud of how it went.

And then she told my dad without me.

By email.

When he was away on a business trip.

To Indonesia.




Yeah.

 

[razlovescock]

^^^Fuck, does THAT sound familiar...

I came out to my mum when I was 17; at this stage I hadn't actually done anything with either a guy or a girl, but I was pretty sure that it was guys I was interested in. So I sat her down and told her exactly that...that I didn't know yet for sure, but I found myself attracted to guys and not attracted to girls. We then drove over to my sister's house and told her as well, because I knew this would be difficult for my mother to deal with and I didn't want her to have to go through it on her own. All in all I felt that I'd chosen the most mature way to go about it.

...Anyway, while I wanted to keep it all under wraps for the time being (like I said, I hadn't actually done anything sexually at all yet), my mum and my sister went and told a bunch of family and friends behind my back.

Eventually I confronted my sister about it and that culminated in her standing up at my cousin's 21st birthday and making a general announcement to EVERYBODY AT THE PARTY that her little brother is gay. Cue arguments and general yelling matches with me in the middle hoping the ground would swallow me up.

Oy....

 

[davidjh7]

Congrats, Moi666!! I'm so happy you had a positive coming out experience! My father was a proud fag hater--he used to brag to me when he was drunk about going out and beating up queers when he was younger. He died before I was on my own enough to be totally independant, so I never told him. The night I tried coming out to my mother, she told me she believed AIDS was God's punishment for homosexuals, so I dropped the subject, since she obviously didn;t want to deal with it. I know she knows, she found some of my gay porn once (damn mothers can NOT stay out of your luggage!). Since I didn;t live near her, or see her that often, I dropped the subject, and just keep most of my life private from her. My sisters were cool about it. I never told my brother, don;t know why--we were just never very close, and never really talked much about our private lives. Everybodies experience is different. The only person it is important to come out to, is yourself. Anybody else, it should be because you want to share that aspect of yourself with them. My opinion. I never reccomend to a young person, who is still dependant, to be cavalier about coming out to parents. I reccomend they carefully determine their parents feelings about gay people in general first, and carefully consider all the consequences. Being gay is still a big risk in modern world culture--although some cultures are more accepting than others---and there are practical considerations to coming out. I am, again, very glad your experience was so positive!!

 

[fortiesfun]

Congratulations, Moi666. This is a great life passage, and a wonderful feeling when you step out of the closet. Glad it went so well for you.

I also want to concur with Davidjh7, however, that this is not a step to be taken lightly by dependant minors or college students receiving financial help from parents. I hate to propogate more fear, but the consequences can be huge and (at least as I have observed among my students who have done so) quite unpredictable.

There is superb support available from many sources for young people, but I especially recommend talking with a representative from your local PFLAG chapter. (This can usually be done anonymously over the phone, if you wish.) They can help you decide what to say, and when, in ways that preserve your options.

 

[bignick]

I strongly disagree with this statement.

NEVER come out to a group of people at one time... This has to be a one on one task.

I strongly disagree with your strong disagreement. Obviously it is different for everyone, but...

The first time I came out to anyone at all was after Sunday lunch with a group of half a dozen close friends. It went incredibly well and was much easier than I would have thought beforehand.

Coming out to individual people afterwards has normally been fine but sometimes trickier - one or two were put on the spot, felt they should say something but didn't know what. That's not such a problem in a group.

 

[flaman]

i did not have to tell anyone about me being gay. my ex wife did. she intruduced me to a guy she worked with. he and i had became more than friends. both of our "gay-dars" had kicked in. she walked in on he and i one night. the rest is history. he and i have been together for nearly 21 years now. the only regret i have from that night was she went to my folks house and told them what she has seen. it took my dad 10 years to accept my lifestyle. it was hardest on my 14 year old son at that time. the other two kids grew up with it. my partner and i moved to florda, and moved the ex and kids down a few months after we relocated to florida. that was in the mid eighties. we have separate homes in the same subdivision. after all of these years, my partner and i still remain friends with the ex. she knows we always there for her. my daughter was 5 years old at the time. my other son was 8. my daughter always said she was lucky because she had 2 dads. all my kids treat my partner as a second father. we are very fortunate, because the ex could of made our lives a living hell. i could write a book on this. thanks for listening.

 

[cruztbone]

I would encourage you, flaman, to write that book. I wrote a short story about my coming out at work, the first place I came out (at 35 years old) , and was able to get it published by Alyson books of Los Angeles. My story is one of many in the anthology called "one teacher in 10-second edition" published in 2005. The editor , Kevin Jennings, liked my story so much he made it the prologue to the book. The title of the story is "Conversations with Jesus". It is available at most public libraries and many bookstores. No, I am not selling the book, just read my story (3pages) and tell me what you think of my experience and my writing. Thank you in advance.

I was never able to come out to my parents. Both were rabidly homophobic and would not even entertaining a discussion of the subject. My father disappeared when I was 9. My mother continued to berate gays and lesbians to my face until her death in 2000.

Fortunately, my only sibling ( my older sister) has been supportive since I came out to her in the 1990's. The same is true for her daughter (my niece).

 

[gordonuk]

I came out in the local newspaper...its all explained on my website

 

[ItalTony9]

Good work Moi!

When I told my mom, I sat her down and had a calm cool, rational and respectful conversation. I'm very proud of how it went.

And then she told my dad without me.

By email.

When he was away on a business trip.

To Indonesia.




Yeah.

I hate mothers they think its about them...

 

[njersey]

I never really had to. Like, I’ve done the formality of it all; but it was dead obvious to my family.

My mom and I would eat breakfast together when I was about 5 and I would roleplay as a middle aged (female) bank teller with a husband who was an electric line worker.

She played along. She so knew. lol

I came out when I was 13, when it was still sort of a social death sentence. I have the best parents in the world. My dad’s only concern was that I would be discriminated against. Like holy shit my heart almost explodes every time I remember.

 

[AnthonyAdkins]

What kinda necromancy did you use to revive a 15 year old thread?

i......came out twice. First time I did I discussed it with my mum and she was like “well do you want to have sex with men?” And I was like “........no I don’t” “well you’re not Bi then.” It was 2012, I didn’t even know what Pansexual and Asexual were at that point, obviously I look back now I think I was just nervous

the thing is I wasn’t sure, I would go back and forth for over a decade. Some weeks I’d be like you know what I think I am Bi then other weeks I’d be like actually I think I’m straight and it went like this for years. I kinda came out to a few mates as I might be Bi/made it an open secret for years, but was still unsure. Then I hit this point where I realised I hadn’t thought about it in months and thought I think....I am Bi....Huh. Is that it then? Christ all that time spent on it and it was that easy urgh. I came out to my family again (well I’d accidentally told my sister drunk a few years before and told her to keep quiet about it), just told them in the living room. I think they already knew they were kinda like alright whatever and that was that. Not like I’ve had a relationship to bring anyone home anyway since haha

 

[cedarizzo]

I was in college when I started coming out to other people. Unfortunately at the time, my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, so my sister and I agreed I wouldn't tell her until she was better. She never got better. A year after my mom had passed away, my dad started leaving hints about my social life. He would never ask if I had a girlfriend or if there was a girl I was interested in, but he would ask if I was seeing anybody or if there was somebody I was interested in. The way he said it, he seemed to always stress the word anybody or somebody. I was seeing a guy, we had been dating for almost a year. So I decided it was time, so for my dad's birthday, I wrote him a long letter, I talked about how I was gay, I had been dating a guy for a year, we were very happy, I was finally at peace with myself. But I also told him that I knew he was dating a woman, I was okay with that and I hoped he was happy. I also told him that telling him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I was ready to face the consequences.

He called me that night to let me know that he read the letter and everything was okay. He was glad that I was happy and he was very happy with his current situation. And that was the end of the conversation. We never discussed more about it, and that is how my life had always been with my dad. Him and his new girlfriend always made a point of inviting my boyfriend whenever they asked me to visit them. My dad died about 5 years later. But I was always so glad that I was able to be myself in front of my dad and he was very open and understanding. Something I never expected.

 

[HungBtmVegas]

I never really had to, my family knew I was gay from a young age

 

[deleted6636031]

I didn't have to because they found me with my secret bf having sex at home..It was a bit embarrasing but it worked out well.

 

[bravesoldier]

I have not officially come out and won't. However, all of my life I was thought to be gay even though I'm not outwardly gay. Several have told me they'd never think I was gay. Anyway, the ex-wife and I divorced about 25 years ago and I never date women, anymore that is. I dated a little in the first several years because I wanted to go on with a straight lifestyle, but that didn't happen. I'm never with a woman currently and now have a very close male friend who comes over and who I am seen with.

In my case it was something that evolved to conformation. I don't advertise it but people know. In reality, and it wasn't an official "coming out", I have told two people, one family member and a life long best friend. I feel my children probably suspect or know.

I feel most mature adult people don't judge because I believe most, if not every family has gay loved ones. It's a part of life as we know it. It's something we didn't ask for but choose to follow. Everything else is between the individual and God, that is if you believe in God.

 

[AmrothElros]

The hard way, I came out the very moment I left home. Grew up in a religiously fanatic family, so either I gave in to live a lie the rest of my life or got the hell out on my own. I found a part time job, made some savings and when I had a small place to rent I just waited until my folks were out for the evening, moved my shit out and waited for them to come back, told them I was gay and hated religion and didn't want to have anything to do with their cult ever again and was moving out. They yelled, called me names, told me I was a sinner that would be destroyed in judging day and that I was a selfish prick that didn't give a damn about their reputation and how soiled their image would end up with the rest of their cult because of me, I ended up in a fist fight with my father and haven't been welcome nor I tried to go back ever since. I was 17 then, 34 now.

 

[1348084]

The hard way, I came out the very moment I left home. Grew up in a religiously fanatic family, so either I gave in to live a lie the rest of my life or got the hell out on my own. I found a part time job, made some savings and when I had a small place to rent I just waited until my folks were out for the evening, moved my shit out and waited for them to come back, told them I was gay and hated religion and didn't want to have anything to do with their cult ever again and was moving out. They yelled, called me names, told me I was a sinner that would be destroyed in judging day and that I was a selfish prick that didn't give a damn about their reputation and how soiled their image would end up with the rest of their cult because of me, I ended up in a fist fight with my father and haven't been welcome nor I tried to go back ever since. I was 17 then, 34 now.

Woah. Sorry to hear that man. Glad you are happy (from what it seems) now

 

[AmrothElros]

Woah. Sorry to hear that man. Glad you are happy (from what it seems) now

It's ok man, no worries, it was a LONG time ago, been on my own now for the same amount of time I was in that family haha. It was tough and sad at first, but at least I was done hiding. The happy part is still a work in progress though, but I'll get there someday eventually haha. Thank you for your reply