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How did you deal with your abusive parent(s)?
- Thread starter Smooth88
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first off.....its a difficult process.....i have an abusive mother myself, and up until the last week or so, haven't spoken to her in months. i really do wish you would email me or something....i have been where you are right now and made it through, and would love to help point you in the right direction, or at least be there to offer you some support.
bigdicksarebest
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My parents kicked me out of the house at 18 and I haven't seen or spoken to him since and I'm 46 now. I got over it
The biggest part of dealing & healing has got to be for you to do a complete, honest (and possibly painful) self-assessment.
Not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but what it's going to boil down to is this: Do you deserve the treatment you are getting? Really, there are only two answers to that question, yes or no.
If the answer is "yes", then you have to fix yourself, until the answer becomes "no".
If the answer is "no," then you have to work up the courage to tell her, "I don't deserve this, and will not tolerate it any longer. Change or not, it's your choice. Treat me like crap once more, and I'm gone for good."
Not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but what it's going to boil down to is this: Do you deserve the treatment you are getting? Really, there are only two answers to that question, yes or no.
If the answer is "yes", then you have to fix yourself, until the answer becomes "no".
If the answer is "no," then you have to work up the courage to tell her, "I don't deserve this, and will not tolerate it any longer. Change or not, it's your choice. Treat me like crap once more, and I'm gone for good."
invisibleman
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Leave them if you can. If you can't, try to.
After you leave, you be the mom you never had. If she didn't respect you, you respect you. You respect others. If she was abusive to you, don't be towards yourself and others. If she didn't value you, you value yourself. You value others in your life. This is the concept of counterbalancing. You counter what is lacking in your life.
After you leave, you be the mom you never had. If she didn't respect you, you respect you. You respect others. If she was abusive to you, don't be towards yourself and others. If she didn't value you, you value yourself. You value others in your life. This is the concept of counterbalancing. You counter what is lacking in your life.
B_Jennuine73
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headbang8
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A timely question. Tomorrow is my mother's funeral, and I've travelled halfway around the world to read the eulogy.
Only this afternoon, I had the same old argument with my sister.
The toughest challenge--for me, anyway--is to hold a parent morally accountable as an adult, while recognising that they, too, likely suffered abuse as children.
Eventually, you'll need to forgive your mother, simply for your own peace of mind. Forgiveness is always granted from a position of strength; it takes maturity and wisdom to forgive, and forgive well.
Most people become strong, mature, healthy adults by being raised in a loving, abuse-free family. On the other hand, most of us abused need to work hard to gain the maturity to forgive. Those who most need our forgiveness most are the ones who failed to equip us with the personal resources needed to grant it. A vicious cycle.
That's why the ever-wise invisibleman in is right on the money, as usual. You need to become your own parent. You need to educate yourself in the ways of the wise. You need to provide yourself with some of the emotional comfort that you never got. You need to set your own moral example. You need to provide yourself a lot of the spiritual counsel other people relied on their parents for.
I have found ACSA, ACA and Al-anon groups to be helpful. Just as helpful is to live life, and love well. We can't learn emotional lessons like we learn intellectual ones; you don't swot for your exams in love, forgiveness, character, or serenity. Life teaches us these things slowly; one can't pursue lessons in life, one simply has to learn them from the world around us, in our experiences with others and from our own meditation.
It will take a while. It will be emotionally messy, just like being a kid is emotionally messy. Probably, you're eager to recover and put it all behind you. But take it slow.
I can recommend some books by PM if you like.
HB8
Only this afternoon, I had the same old argument with my sister.
The toughest challenge--for me, anyway--is to hold a parent morally accountable as an adult, while recognising that they, too, likely suffered abuse as children.
Eventually, you'll need to forgive your mother, simply for your own peace of mind. Forgiveness is always granted from a position of strength; it takes maturity and wisdom to forgive, and forgive well.
Most people become strong, mature, healthy adults by being raised in a loving, abuse-free family. On the other hand, most of us abused need to work hard to gain the maturity to forgive. Those who most need our forgiveness most are the ones who failed to equip us with the personal resources needed to grant it. A vicious cycle.
That's why the ever-wise invisibleman in is right on the money, as usual. You need to become your own parent. You need to educate yourself in the ways of the wise. You need to provide yourself with some of the emotional comfort that you never got. You need to set your own moral example. You need to provide yourself a lot of the spiritual counsel other people relied on their parents for.
I have found ACSA, ACA and Al-anon groups to be helpful. Just as helpful is to live life, and love well. We can't learn emotional lessons like we learn intellectual ones; you don't swot for your exams in love, forgiveness, character, or serenity. Life teaches us these things slowly; one can't pursue lessons in life, one simply has to learn them from the world around us, in our experiences with others and from our own meditation.
It will take a while. It will be emotionally messy, just like being a kid is emotionally messy. Probably, you're eager to recover and put it all behind you. But take it slow.
I can recommend some books by PM if you like.
HB8
- art,
My parents weren't abusive toward me (not physically, anyway), but when they'd get drunk (nearly every night), they were nasty and cutting to each other. My bedroom was right above where they'd drink and argue, and I stayed awake many nights wondering when I was going to become an orphan. It hurt me more than I can tell, just a heartsick ache, to hear them.
Late in my junior year in highschool, I moved out and stayed with my best friend. They never knew why I'd moved out, and kept telling me I could come back, but I never did until the day before I left for college.
Late in my junior year in highschool, I moved out and stayed with my best friend. They never knew why I'd moved out, and kept telling me I could come back, but I never did until the day before I left for college.
Hand_Solo
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unique_exposure
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Wow. I agree completely. Be what it is you feel you are lacking. It may feel weird at first, but eventually it will be validated. The process of developing self-love is very worth it.
If you need external support beyond what you are doing for yourself or what your therapist provides, step groups aren't bad for that. Once you get past the surface perceptions, there is actually a formula there that can work. Might even make a few helpful connections. Take what you need, leave the rest.
Wish you luck. I know its alot of work.
D_Tintagel_Demondong
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I was an incredibly angry punk kid, and it should have been obvious to me that it was the abuse at home that was the cause. I was angry until my mid-twenties. At that point, I came to realize that I could either deal with the monkey on my back or let it hinder me for the rest of my life.
It seems that you are still angry at your father. I learned to forgive mine, and it was possibly the hardest thing that I ever had to do. The anger went away with the forgiveness; the wounds have healed, but the scars are for life. I still don't talk to him... but I don't hate him.
goodwood
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Hey Smooth88. I am sorry that you have suffered abuse at the hands of your mother. No child should have to endure anything less than the love and support from a parent.
Being able to make sense of it and be able to look at yourself in a healthy way with never having had that from a parent is remarkably difficult.
From the age of two I was beaten by my father for simple things such as disturbing the stack of Architectural Digests or not going to bed on cue.
As I grew up, the beatings stopped, but my parents were control freaks and since they couldn't control their own lives, sought to exert excessive control over me and my sister.
Finally when I was 14 I decided that one thing they couldn't control was me - and became severely anorexic. My sister became severely bulimic.
My sister and I still suffer from eating disorders in some way to punish ourselves (for what I don't really know - not being good enough?) which is odd to me since I was an A student, very social, very athletic and not completely unfortunate looking.
I have since come to understand that my parents are rather unhappy people in and of themselves and have refused to attend to their own emotional well being.
I have spent many years being angry at them and their manipulative/controling natures both toward each other and toward me and finally in December flat out told them what I thought. That they were disprespectful to each other and to me and I did not want to be around them and that's why I haven't seen them in a couple of years. Of course they expressed shock and disgust that I would dare say such an outrageous thing and spewed much anger toward me. It was nice not having to speak to them. At some point, they decided all was well and business as usual of small talk resumed.
Healing? Breaking free from the damage that has been caused? I have been fortunate to have many friends who do/have listened to me in times of distress and encouraged me. So I will offer encouragement to you that you must pay attention to the wonderful and positive qualities in yourself and believe them! All the best.
Being able to make sense of it and be able to look at yourself in a healthy way with never having had that from a parent is remarkably difficult.
From the age of two I was beaten by my father for simple things such as disturbing the stack of Architectural Digests or not going to bed on cue.
As I grew up, the beatings stopped, but my parents were control freaks and since they couldn't control their own lives, sought to exert excessive control over me and my sister.
Finally when I was 14 I decided that one thing they couldn't control was me - and became severely anorexic. My sister became severely bulimic.
My sister and I still suffer from eating disorders in some way to punish ourselves (for what I don't really know - not being good enough?) which is odd to me since I was an A student, very social, very athletic and not completely unfortunate looking.
I have since come to understand that my parents are rather unhappy people in and of themselves and have refused to attend to their own emotional well being.
I have spent many years being angry at them and their manipulative/controling natures both toward each other and toward me and finally in December flat out told them what I thought. That they were disprespectful to each other and to me and I did not want to be around them and that's why I haven't seen them in a couple of years. Of course they expressed shock and disgust that I would dare say such an outrageous thing and spewed much anger toward me. It was nice not having to speak to them. At some point, they decided all was well and business as usual of small talk resumed.
Healing? Breaking free from the damage that has been caused? I have been fortunate to have many friends who do/have listened to me in times of distress and encouraged me. So I will offer encouragement to you that you must pay attention to the wonderful and positive qualities in yourself and believe them! All the best.
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