How did you know when you wanted to come out?

tennisfan11

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So, maybe a site about big dicks isn't the place to be asking this question (maybe it is?), but it's something I've struggled with for a while. I'm 23, gay, very much not out, and wondering when the right time will be to get out of the closet. I live about 1,500 miles away from anyone I know/am close to (for a job), so coming out in person isn't exactly 'convenient' right now, if that makes any sense. So my question to the other gay men out there - when did you decide that, no matter what, enough was enough and you were ready for other people to know you were gay?

Also, anyone else been in my position? While it's easy to have a sense of anonymity here and attempt to embrace my homosexuality, I don't feel comfortable doing so until I'm comfortable with others knowing who I really am.

Thanks, guys!
 

longskin

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That's a good question, and I think you'll get a huge variety of responses. My short answer for you would be - when the time feels right, and in a way you feel comfortable with.
For me, it was a process - I started off by telling my closest friend because it was important to me that I was honest about myself, and it went from there over quite a period of time.
Good luck.
 

nudeyorker

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You know you are not under any obligation to anyone except yourself with this. It's the most personal part of your personal life (that's why they call it a personal life) If you want to come out to your coterie of best friends first it might open open the door to to some much wanted emotional freedom (it certainly did for me)
I don't sing or shout my personal life from the highest hill but I certainly don't hide it either; the people in my non-professional life (and a selected few in my professional life) know that I'm happily married to a wonderful man named _______... as far as I'm concerned that is all anyone needs to know about my personal life; you will see as time goes by that you get to define your own boundaries. (and you are allowed to edit them at your whim too)
But to answer you question I was ready to come out to the people who were important to me when I was comfortable with who I was and where I wanted my life to go as a man and as a gay man.
 

Infernal

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The only person you really have to come out to is yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, then what others think of your sexuality is the least of your problems. Sometimes being brutally honest with yourself is the hardest part.

If you decide to tell others, just be matter of fact about it. I told people this is how it is, if you don't like it, that's your problem, just don't make it my problem. Their issues are their issues, and don't let them blame you for their feelings. Remind them that being gay is such a small part of who you are as a whole person. You are a man, a son, a cousin, a friend, a brother, and maybe someday a father yourself. Those are the things that define you, not who you love or have sex with.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 

hungboy18

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I think for me, and I'm not 100% out yet, but I feel more comfortable with my sexuality each single day, the time will come when I have financial stability, and a group of friends that I can rely on, I have come out to my best friend, I just wish we could talk more about it, but it never happens, I'm very guarded when it comes to talking about my sexuality because honestly it's such a private thing for me, but I'm so over it, I really hope I have the change to come out in stages, best friends first, then friends, family, people I work with. And possibly be out to at least another friend in the next few months or year. Sorry if I couldn't help more, but my advice to you, is to come out in stages, tell a friend today, and then in a few weeks more people... I think it depends on how strong you are and how being out as a gay man will influence your life.
 

rainbowknight

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You said it in your post dude, "you do not feel comfortable..."

Do it when you feel comfortable because that is when you will not make up reasons for who you are, justify to people who you like to have sex with, and be able to defend yourself on the merits of human dignity.

Not everyone is going to be on your side, even if you do not tell them that you are gay. Telling someone that you are gay is like having a friend. Time is the measure of a good friend and time will let you know who you need to come out to.

Be true to yourself and be safe.
 

tennisfan11

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Thanks all -- and you all are right. I am becoming more and more comfortable with who I am and what I know about myself. I know for a fact - I am gay. I prefer men, I'm attracted to men, and I want to love men. Picturing myself with a woman (no offense, ladies!) just doesn't seem right for me anymore. Obviously, the toughest part for me is acceptance from my family, but I'd rather be (geographically) closer with them when I do so. This 1,500 mile distance isn't really helping.

I suppose the other toughest part is, honestly, all the built-up sexual energy. Sure, I can jack off and cam2cam all I want, but everyday, my urge to have sex with another man just gets stronger and stronger. Maybe I'm more comfortable with my sexuality than I thought...

Hoping more members see this and can relate to what I'm going through here - I know you're out there, guys!

Thanks again. :)
 

FrankTO

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I came out to everyone when I had gained enough inner strength to ensure that I would be able to tolerate any rejection. In fact, I did it at a point where I felt perfectly ready to exclude from my life anyone who didn't approve of me, including my own parents. I was fortunate in that all reactions were positive.
 
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deleted3782

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Obviously, the toughest part for me is acceptance from my family, but I'd rather be (geographically) closer with them when I do so. This 1,500 mile distance isn't really helping.

I suppose the other toughest part is, honestly, all the built-up sexual energy. Sure, I can jack off and cam2cam all I want, but everyday, my urge to have sex with another man just gets stronger and stronger.

You don't have to come out to your family before having sex, do you? Why not do some experimenting while you are so far from home?
 

skipping

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Always knew I was gay since I was a little kid.
I never officially came out in my early teens. I just knew I as gay and lived and did what I wanted to. Didn't feel the need to come out to anyone.
When I was 18 I came out to my sister just because I wanted to hear myself say it to someone else. I never thought I was different.
Do it when you feel comfortable, not because you feel you have some type of expiration date.
 
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NicholasSommerby

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You know you are not under any obligation to anyone except yourself with this. It's the most personal part of your personal life (that's why they call it a personal life) If you want to come out to your coterie of best friends first it might open open the door to to some much wanted emotional freedom (it certainly did for me)
I don't sing or shout my personal life from the highest hill but I certainly don't hide it either; the people in my non-professional life (and a selected few in my professional life) know that I'm happily married to a wonderful man named _______... as far as I'm concerned that is all anyone needs to know about my personal life; you will see as time goes by that you get to define your own boundaries. (and you are allowed to edit them at your whim too)
But to answer you question I was ready to come out to the people who were important to me when I was comfortable with who I was and where I wanted my life to go as a man and as a gay man.

This is by far the best response I can think of.

The only person who can decide when and if they want to come out to anyone is you. You're the only person that can decide anything, and if you want to come out to anyone, you'll know when the right time is. I'm in a similar boat as Nudeyorker, actually (well, mostly except I'm single, haha): I'm not exactly singing my whole being out and telling everyone that I see, but I don't hide it either. I follow a strict "If you ask, then I tell." guideline that strictly means just that: if someone asked me straight up if I was gay (no beating around the bush), then I would honestly tell them that I was (unless I really felt like it'd create unnecessary tension and possibly conflict).

I would say that you might be surprised in people, though. The people who know and I thought would be vehemently against it have actually been pretty alright and supportive about it.
 

Mitch86

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Hi Mate, I think that I can possible relate to this the most. Im 26 and have only just recently came out to my best friends. I applaud the other guys in what they say as all the other advice from friends about doing it in stages is echoed here. I plan on telling some more of my friends this next week. So far I have had posative responses with the majority of my friends saying that they are glad that I finally had the courage to be honest about the person Iam. I know that it is totally nerve racking and telling your parents is the hardest part. I have yet to do this but as all my friends say, you will tell them when your ready. I think for me the build up was a combination of meeting this guy (recently) :) and also being genuinely fed up with not being able to be honest with myself and denying myself happiness. The term YOLO is thrown around too often but I sincerely believe that on this occasion it couldnt have greater meaning X
 

dong-in-khakis

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I'm not out and don't see it, but I believe a guy is ready to come out when HE feels comfortable with his sexuality.

I believe sometimes that comfort level takes years. One thing to consider though.. if you're comfortable with coming out, what about significant others around you like children, siblings or parents?

Sometimes you might be comfortable and it could devastate others.

Just a thought.
 

travis7

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When it was more important to be myself then to be a fake. , to be what others wanted me to be.