I don't want to rehash old hurts or insecurities fostered by an abusive upbringing, but that is what resulted in those insecure, not good enough, worthless, and zero self-esteem feelings. In my late teens and 20s I was fit a bit beyond what Army requires and remained so well into my 30s. I am still very much a youthful image of what I was then. I had good health and a nice cock. Believe me for it to get rock hard in a split second is a blessing! To be able to use it, even more so! In my 20s, I was still coming to terms with my abusive upbringing. I did meet my soulmate at 23 and eventually married her. But all of the swinging good times and taking advantage of being young and good looking and seizing every opportunity, just did not happen for me. I was too insecure and inhibited. It was after my separation leading to divorce at 35yo, that I really began to appreciate myself as a desirable sexual person. I went to the other extreme and I know there are some that will say that my abusive upbringing lead to my promiscuity. Well I just know that I had a period of confidence whether it was false or fueled by alcohol and partying, I had fun! Today, I am trying to find meaning in things and don't and won't engage in sex for the sake of sex. Yes, my sex life has included both sexes and many of them were very hot! But I was never so shallow that I didn't have some more average people, after all there was a time when I felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone. There was time when everyone was above me. Today? I want a meaningful relationship. Today, I want to live life and have fun! So how did I percieve myself, I was less than everyone else no matter what qualities I had, the truth was that I had I not been so screwed in my mind and emotions, my youth may have been truly fun and enjoyable. That being said, I was denied a sense of self by being abused. I was denied the right to be entitled to develop into the person that I truly was and was to become. I am not the person that someone else wanted me to be or thought that I should be. It was by choosing to become healthy and find peace that I was able to live a life is somewhat satisfying. In essence, I had to work doubly hard to overcome all the negative bs that I was fed. Now, I am getting to an age that I wish I had all the opportunities that I did when I was younger and yet not feeling regret, there is a bit of I don't give a shit today! I guess with the age comes some freedom. Now if I could ever get to the-it's okay to have a belly-mentality, maybe I can be really free!