I'm 21 years old and I have questioned my sexuality my whole life. Actually, other people have questioned my sexuality my whole life, causing me to have doubts. That is where I will begin.
Since puberty and "discovering" the opposite sex (12-13 years old), my peers have made comments about me being gay (of course, mostly just as insult). For whatever reason, I felt like an outsider and unaccepted. Most importantly, I was vulnerable. With a lack of social relationships and not having masculine or feminine qualities, I became shy and reserved. Of course, in American society, if you aren't with a girl for a long period of time, you MUST be homosexual.
The comments and questions began flowing and I found myself more and more accepting to whatever they pushed on me. I had started masturbating by 13, so at 14, I ventured into hentai (gay anime porn?) and masturbated to that after starting off with milf porn. I trained myself to become aroused when I seen it and eventually moved onto gay porn in the later years. Of course I still masturbated to straight porn, but I felt like I needed to watch gay porn too. Meanwhile I had 0 relationships through high school. I accepted I must be a homosexual, because I watched gay porn and didn't form relationships with females!
Fast forward to college, I started exploring the possibility of a homosexual lifestyle. My family was very accepting after I told them that I was homosexual. On the daily basis, I check out girls and guys, but stuck to my label. I eventually met a guy and he was really fun and I got along with him well. Things escalated after a date and while he was groping and we were both physically aroused, I couldn't be any more detached. I didn't want to do it at all. Nothing about the situation was attractive to me and I hated it. It was cool when we were hanging out, but I realized I didn't like him on an emotional level. He gave me a blowjob and that was pretty much it, I didn't even want to touch him. or him to touch me (I know, selfish, whatever).
Alright cool, whatever. I broke that off after that, thinking it wasn't the right guy. It happened again, three times. Each one ended up the same way. When we were hanging out at the library, roaming the malls or weightlifting, it was fun. As soon as they wanted to be intimate, I couldn't be any more turned off. Sure, my body reacted as it should, but everything else told me no. It stressed me out so badly that I became very depressed.
I knew all along that I felt more emotional towards women than I did men, but I thought maybe it was just society's pressures and whatnot. I was told to try it and when I did (and didn't like it), I was met with "You are just afraid to be gay", "Accept it", and "You are worried what other people will say." They couldn't have been any more wrong. I'm really done with that type of life. I began seeking relationships with women and although I haven't had any luck, I feel stronger emotions than I did with any guy.
Problem is that I still masturbate to gay porn and check out guys and girls in public. I still like to imagine the size of the guys when they are wearing shorts and checking out girls' tits and asses(in yogapants
). When I imagine having sex with the girl and just looking at the guy naked (I don't imagine us doing anything), both imaginations turn me on. I'm not sure if it is harmful to keep this up, or accept that this is just what I do?
I know the speech about labels are bad and how we aren't 100% straight or whatever. I just can't help but to keep doubting myself and feeling wrong when I check out guys after knowing if I pursued it, it would end up with a devoid of emotion.
How can I come to terms that I like looking at cocks, but never want to touch one again?
Since puberty and "discovering" the opposite sex (12-13 years old), my peers have made comments about me being gay (of course, mostly just as insult). For whatever reason, I felt like an outsider and unaccepted. Most importantly, I was vulnerable. With a lack of social relationships and not having masculine or feminine qualities, I became shy and reserved. Of course, in American society, if you aren't with a girl for a long period of time, you MUST be homosexual.
The comments and questions began flowing and I found myself more and more accepting to whatever they pushed on me. I had started masturbating by 13, so at 14, I ventured into hentai (gay anime porn?) and masturbated to that after starting off with milf porn. I trained myself to become aroused when I seen it and eventually moved onto gay porn in the later years. Of course I still masturbated to straight porn, but I felt like I needed to watch gay porn too. Meanwhile I had 0 relationships through high school. I accepted I must be a homosexual, because I watched gay porn and didn't form relationships with females!
Fast forward to college, I started exploring the possibility of a homosexual lifestyle. My family was very accepting after I told them that I was homosexual. On the daily basis, I check out girls and guys, but stuck to my label. I eventually met a guy and he was really fun and I got along with him well. Things escalated after a date and while he was groping and we were both physically aroused, I couldn't be any more detached. I didn't want to do it at all. Nothing about the situation was attractive to me and I hated it. It was cool when we were hanging out, but I realized I didn't like him on an emotional level. He gave me a blowjob and that was pretty much it, I didn't even want to touch him. or him to touch me (I know, selfish, whatever).
Alright cool, whatever. I broke that off after that, thinking it wasn't the right guy. It happened again, three times. Each one ended up the same way. When we were hanging out at the library, roaming the malls or weightlifting, it was fun. As soon as they wanted to be intimate, I couldn't be any more turned off. Sure, my body reacted as it should, but everything else told me no. It stressed me out so badly that I became very depressed.
I knew all along that I felt more emotional towards women than I did men, but I thought maybe it was just society's pressures and whatnot. I was told to try it and when I did (and didn't like it), I was met with "You are just afraid to be gay", "Accept it", and "You are worried what other people will say." They couldn't have been any more wrong. I'm really done with that type of life. I began seeking relationships with women and although I haven't had any luck, I feel stronger emotions than I did with any guy.
Problem is that I still masturbate to gay porn and check out guys and girls in public. I still like to imagine the size of the guys when they are wearing shorts and checking out girls' tits and asses(in yogapants
I know the speech about labels are bad and how we aren't 100% straight or whatever. I just can't help but to keep doubting myself and feeling wrong when I check out guys after knowing if I pursued it, it would end up with a devoid of emotion.
How can I come to terms that I like looking at cocks, but never want to touch one again?