How do I accept my sexuality?

smithsin

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I'm 21 years old and I have questioned my sexuality my whole life. Actually, other people have questioned my sexuality my whole life, causing me to have doubts. That is where I will begin.

Since puberty and "discovering" the opposite sex (12-13 years old), my peers have made comments about me being gay (of course, mostly just as insult). For whatever reason, I felt like an outsider and unaccepted. Most importantly, I was vulnerable. With a lack of social relationships and not having masculine or feminine qualities, I became shy and reserved. Of course, in American society, if you aren't with a girl for a long period of time, you MUST be homosexual.

The comments and questions began flowing and I found myself more and more accepting to whatever they pushed on me. I had started masturbating by 13, so at 14, I ventured into hentai (gay anime porn?) and masturbated to that after starting off with milf porn. I trained myself to become aroused when I seen it and eventually moved onto gay porn in the later years. Of course I still masturbated to straight porn, but I felt like I needed to watch gay porn too. Meanwhile I had 0 relationships through high school. I accepted I must be a homosexual, because I watched gay porn and didn't form relationships with females!

Fast forward to college, I started exploring the possibility of a homosexual lifestyle. My family was very accepting after I told them that I was homosexual. On the daily basis, I check out girls and guys, but stuck to my label. I eventually met a guy and he was really fun and I got along with him well. Things escalated after a date and while he was groping and we were both physically aroused, I couldn't be any more detached. I didn't want to do it at all. Nothing about the situation was attractive to me and I hated it. It was cool when we were hanging out, but I realized I didn't like him on an emotional level. He gave me a blowjob and that was pretty much it, I didn't even want to touch him. or him to touch me (I know, selfish, whatever).

Alright cool, whatever. I broke that off after that, thinking it wasn't the right guy. It happened again, three times. Each one ended up the same way. When we were hanging out at the library, roaming the malls or weightlifting, it was fun. As soon as they wanted to be intimate, I couldn't be any more turned off. Sure, my body reacted as it should, but everything else told me no. It stressed me out so badly that I became very depressed.

I knew all along that I felt more emotional towards women than I did men, but I thought maybe it was just society's pressures and whatnot. I was told to try it and when I did (and didn't like it), I was met with "You are just afraid to be gay", "Accept it", and "You are worried what other people will say." They couldn't have been any more wrong. I'm really done with that type of life. I began seeking relationships with women and although I haven't had any luck, I feel stronger emotions than I did with any guy.

Problem is that I still masturbate to gay porn and check out guys and girls in public. I still like to imagine the size of the guys when they are wearing shorts and checking out girls' tits and asses(in yogapants :p). When I imagine having sex with the girl and just looking at the guy naked (I don't imagine us doing anything), both imaginations turn me on. I'm not sure if it is harmful to keep this up, or accept that this is just what I do?

I know the speech about labels are bad and how we aren't 100% straight or whatever. I just can't help but to keep doubting myself and feeling wrong when I check out guys after knowing if I pursued it, it would end up with a devoid of emotion.

How can I come to terms that I like looking at cocks, but never want to touch one again?
 

rbkwp

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Congratulations
your a confirmed Human Being
Just keep experimenting with both (all respect, but you are a youngster / inexperienced), and something Sexual may well take precedent over the other?
If you have only had the 4 male partial experiences , expect a few more before trying to decide huh?
You may be the sort who needs dozens of Males before the supposed 'right one'


Problem is that I still masturbate to gay porn and check out guys and girls in public.

Is THAT Wrong, live with it Matey
ALL GOOD!
 

elgarcon

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I'm sorry, my heart goes out to you.

There is no way anyone here can give any genuinely helpful tips for you, the situation is just too complicated. I recommend, if you have access to it, to try and get some therapy. Don't be embarrassed by seeking help, there is no shame in seeking improvement in your life.

Don't get too down, you are younger than I was when I accepted I was gay and came out . Figuring yourself out and finding out what you want is a lifelong process
 

Infernal

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Human sexuality isn't black or white, but a million shades of grey between them. Labels are for clothes and come and go like the latest fashion. If it interests you, give it a try. You won't know if you like it unless you experience it. If you don't like it, try something else. Consider yourself a sexual human being and just enjoy what feels good.As long as you aren't taking advantage of, or abusing someone, go have a good time and forget what anyone thinks about it.
 

smithsin

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Nyan_Cat: Thank you for your response. I appreciate you not blowing me off as "You are gay get over it" as many homosexual men have told me. They weren't even listening to me, but thought I was whining about not wanting to be gay, instead of hearing my experiences with it.

rbkwp: Thank you for your response. I suppose it was a bit childish of me to think "I quit forever!", but the feelings accompanied with being "on that level" with another man didn't pan out to what I thought I would feel in the least bit. None of my experiences. I will continue to be open to possibilities, but I don't think I will ever seek a relationship with a man ever again. Also, the masturbating to gay porn, I see it as a trouble because it conflicts with my interests. I'm not sure if it is learned behavior, or if it is just something I want to do, or a way my body is trying to tell me something(which I initially thought). I don't know if it is healthy for me or not, to train my body for these things knowing I do not want to project myself into gay porn, just watch it.


elgarcon: Thank you for your response. I also appreciate your sympathy for my "hardship". I have actually gotten therapy in the past, although the topic of homosexuality wasn't present at the time. I think I am a little afraid they will push me in the direction of homosexuality & its acceptance though. I know the stereotype is that people hate and are discriminatory against gays, but all my life I have been pushed towards homosexuality until I got to sit in it. I got tired of being pushed, so I went on to experience it. I didn't like it, got pushed back into it again. Didn't like it, and went on again and again, these times on my own terms and willingly open to the possibility that I would not like it. A sigh of relief when I realized I didn't like how I felt each time (I thought I was in denial the first time, like I was told), but then a thought of confusion because I kept putting myself into those situations. The internal conflict was too much for me to bear, sending me into a spiraling depression.


Infernal: Thank you for your response. I do feel a bit relieved after your response, because although I know I cannot categorize everything, I still want to be sure and concrete most of the time. Perhaps being a little neurotic upsets the situation, but I do understand and like how you phrased your response. If you could read what I wrote to elgarcon, you will notice your response answers some of what I wrote (Wrote before you responded). Thank you.
 

derrick10

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In glad you shared this was us. I know how you feel I too had a detachment from sex and found that it led to my promiscuity,although I was sure I wasn't completely gay. I still experimented just to feel of there was something there. Your attraction to gay or mild porn doesn't really describe your sexuality no more than the fictional situations that are depicted in porn. It is an escape from what you DON'T FEEL IN REAL LIFE SITUATIONS. The more you seek out true friendships and associate with real people. you will develop emotional ties that barefooted in real life situations. Good Luck . I believe you will be ok.
 

silvertriumph2

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smithsin..
First: I know you are 21 and considered an adult and a legal man...but sometimes our age does not always coincide with the age and development of our other parts, such as our likes and dislikes, and of course our sexuality and what turns us on or not. Maybe you have just not had the chance to discover what is right for you. I truely believe that we are born with our sexual persuasians, and it is not something we learn...or for that matter, chose. I have known all my life that I am BI, and that sometimes I am more one way than the other...it flows back and forth according to my emotional feelings at the time. My sexual attraction is more connected to my enjoyment of liking and being with another...our mutual likes and dislikes, humor, wit, personality, etc.. (looks are last on my list). Of all organs of the other person, the most important is the brain..:yup:. The
sexual attraction comes later, much later.

Second: I'm many years older than you and over the years I have become to believe that with every passing year...we humans are becoming more and more detached from personal contact with our fellow man (and woman). Today, we seem to prefer contact with other humans via our cell phones, emails, texting, etc. rather than face to face.

I have become to believe that watching a lot of porn...of any kind...is maybe not all that healty either and again...makes us become more and more "detached" from the old ways of having
live, personal contacts with others...ie, face to face contact.
And yes, sex. A warm body can be a lot more satisfying than watching porn...:yup:

I read an article recently that stated that by constantly watching
porn (and don't get me wrong for I enjoy it too...straight and gay..) insteat of having REAL SEX, causes us to become more passive and eventually we prefer it over sex with a real person. I am not sure I really believe that, but it does make some sense. It also stated that there is no real emotional attachment with porn...as would be had when having sex with a real person...and after a while we lose the need for it. Therefore, one eventually prefers watching porn over having real sex with another human being. This Non-involvement sex without another.....supposidly will eventually makes us enjoy porn more than the real two
person sex.

Third: You say you do not like the feeling when you have sex and do not want to touch or be touched. I am not sure if you have actually had sex with a female...and if you did enjoy that. But, I have a feeling that you might be one that enjoys being the passive one. Do you think that could be possible? I have known some that just want to lay there and enjoy being
"done"...with no attachment at all. I think that might work for some with gay sex, but it would never work in heterosexual sex. For me, sex MEANS being envolved with the other person
without emotions and feelings it is dull, boring and just impossible for me to enjoy.

I wish you well and hope you will one day find joy in having and giving sex. It is a give and take situation, after all.
 
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bigbull29

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You cannot force yourself to be comfortable in a relationship with another man, no matter how attracted you may be to him physically. You can wait to see if it "evolves" to that, but don't bet on it. Remember that romantic love is more than body parts, or raw physical attraction - there is the strongly ignored emotional aspect, too! If you cannot reconcile the two, there really isn't much you can do about it. However, if you're physically and emotionally attracted to women, it's best you pursue that route whenever the "relationship" fancy takes you. Just view men for your sexual pleasure in fantasy, or for no-strings-attached fun (seems like you're just into men "in fantasy").

The vast majority of "straight" men do have some same-sex attraction: the problem is, though, is that they never confess to it (well, very few). This sometimes leads to men who sadly come to live as "faux" homosexuals or bisexuals until they see that they are are not truly gay or bi after all (Yes, we do know that some men are very, very gay or bi, and who will always be that [indeed a moot point here]).

So then, a lot of hetero men have experienced what you've experienced: often thinking to themselves that they're gay somehow when they're probably not, even if some never actually engaged in any form of gay sex, or "came out" to anyone. Some men worry so much about their same-sex physical attraction (big penises, muscle envy, etc.) that they wrongly convince themselves that they must be gay or bi. Only society is to blame (Alas, the taboo of male homosexuality gets the upper hand in the end).

Bear in mind that that sexuality can evolve over time, or is malleable. In othe words, one stops feeling gay, or straight or bi, even though one of those sexualities was truly his or her sexuality at some point in his or her life. A person actually metamorphasizes on a sexual level.

You're also terribly worried that this "gay" label is something that you'll never be able to rid yourself of. Well, I am here to tell you that you can redefine yourself and change your style as many times without permanent ink. It is you and only you who can define yourself and then erase it all, if needed. You're the author of your life - not other people! The grandeur placed in others' opinions and perception is just an illusion. All that is important is that you know who you are.

Some people, my friend, will never desire romantic relationships - never ever! I'm not saying that will most likely be you. I do doubt, however, that you're actually gay. You may be bi without relationship potential. I'd bet you're probably straight with recognized same-sex attraction that's not strong enough for actual sex and romantic relationships.

Chill and enjoy life...even though you get saddened by the society-to-blame confusion. It's just sex and sexuality, bro - nothing more, nothing less. Why is it all taken so seriously as it's supposed to be fun and full of cum? How ironic? Well, for now, enjoy your body and feelings "to yourself" biggrin1:.


Take good care, friend!:wink:
 
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mjconaz

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I can tell you it's easier if you have a support group and people to talk to about how you feel.

Have you considered that you might be transgendered or genderqueer? However if all you have is an obsession with cocks then you may very well be straight. I know plenty of straight guys who are fine with jerking with their 'buds'. Maybe the other people telling you that you're gay has pushed you into a corner. Try not to feel bounded by labels - they are complete crap. Just go with how you feel about the person, honestly. Only you know what you want.
 
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jjsjr

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Do what feels right to you.

Don't worry yourself with what society expects of you.

Have fun, in whatever definition that might be,

Stop concerning yourself with labels. Straight, gay, bi... who cares?!

If you want to masturbate to a girl, great.
If you want to masturbate to a guy, great.

If this concerns you, then stop dating until you feel more comfortable with it.
But never stop trying to dig and discover yourself, that's a beautiful journey.
So embrace it.
Embrace the journey to embrace yourself.

....and when it comes to matters such as this, always remember to do what feels best to you.
 

IntentsOfCare

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To me it sounds more like you of the hetero-flexible flavor. I'd say 90% straight and 10% gay. Men are fun to look at but you have no connection there when it comes to it. You situation sounds very similar to what I went through. There will be people who will always try and tell you your worth and tell you exactly what you are but they are wrong. Only you can tell you who and what you are. We don't' all develop the same way nor do we develop in a straight line. You need to sit down with yourself and really think about what it is that you feel.
 

K.Dst

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I'm 23* years old and I have questioned my sexuality my whole life. Actually, other people have questioned my sexuality my whole life, causing me to have doubts. That is where I will begin.

Since puberty and "discovering" the opposite sex (12-13 years old), my peers have made comments about me being gay (of course, mostly just as insult). For whatever reason, I felt like an outsider and unaccepted. Most importantly, I was vulnerable. With a lack of social relationships and not having masculine or feminine qualities, I became shy and reserved. Of course, in American society, if you aren't with a girl for a long period of time, you MUST be homosexual.

The comments and questions began flowing and I found myself more and more accepting to whatever they pushed on me. I had started masturbating by 15*, so at 16, I ventured into porn and masturbated to that. I trained myself to become aroused when I seen it and eventually moved onto gay porn in the later years. Of course I still masturbated to straight porn, but I felt like I needed to watch gay porn too. Meanwhile I had 0 relationships through high school. I accepted I must be a homosexual, because I watched gay porn and didn't form relationships with females!

Fast forward to college, I started exploring the possibility of a homosexual lifestyle. My family was very accepting after I told them that I was homosexual. On the daily basis, I check out girls and guys, but stuck to my label. I eventually met a guy and he was really fun and I got along with him well. Things escalated after a date and while he was groping and we were both physically aroused, I couldn't be any more detached. I didn't want to do it at all. Nothing about the situation was attractive to me and I hated it. It was cool when we were hanging out, but I realized I didn't like him on an emotional level. He gave me a blowjob and that was pretty much it, I didn't even want to touch him. or him to touch me (I know, selfish, whatever).

Alright cool, whatever. I broke that off after that, thinking it wasn't the right guy. It happened again, three times. Each one ended up the same way. When we were hanging out at the library, roaming the malls or weightlifting, it was fun. As soon as they wanted to be intimate, I couldn't be any more turned off. Sure, my body reacted as it should, but everything else told me no.

Oh god, I just read the story of my life O_O"
 

erratic

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...a homosexual lifestyle...

...were both physically aroused, I couldn't be any more detached.

He gave me a blowjob and that was pretty much it, I didn't even want to touch him. or him to touch me (I know, selfish, whatever).

It happened again, three times.

Sure, my body reacted as it should, but everything else told me no.

I knew all along that I felt more emotional towards women than I did men, but I thought maybe it was just society's pressures and whatnot.

Problem is that I still masturbate to gay porn and check out guys and girls in public.

I still like to imagine the size of the guys when they are wearing shorts

When I imagine having sex with the girl and just looking at the guy naked (I don't imagine us doing anything), both imaginations turn me on.

I just can't help but to keep doubting myself and feeling wrong when I check out guys after knowing if I pursued it, it would end up with a devoid of emotion.

How can I come to terms that I like looking at cocks, but never want to touch one again?

Each of those statements sounds reads like a red flag to me. As you yourself are well aware, it sure doesn't sound like you're all gay or all straight; that said, it also sure doesn't read like you're okay with sexuality. Doesn't seem like you're totally comfortable with it with women, and you sure as shit aren't with men. Your body makes all the right moves, but something is going on upstairs that's wrecking the party.

Frankly, it reads to a certain extent like you're trying to use labels to fix a problem that has nothing to do with labels.

I don't know what it is that's happening for you. You might, though you might not realize it yet, or you might not know at all. But it sounds like you've got a lot more self exploration to do - and if I were you, I'd leave the "what is my sexuality?" business behind and start digging in deeper than that.
 

theplayerking

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It’s unusual that you can do something comparatively difficult, like coming out to your family, but have a hard time doing something fun and easy, like playing with your buddy’s cock. Most people have the opposite problem.

I agree with the other posters that you should go slowly and not force anything. I also agree that you need to talk about it, with friends and possibly a therapist.

Anti-gay bullying in early childhood is very traumatic. I don’t think enough attention is paid to the issue and I’m sure it causes problems later in life—long after one has come out. I was called a fag in school starting in kindergarten. I was very precocious, nerdy and came from a rich family. I would have been called names even if I were straight. In the 1970s, calling someone a fag in elementary school was a generic insult; I don’t think anyone really knew what it meant. I wasn’t particularly effeminate; more like a born metrosexual—even at five years old.

I believe that I was born gay, and I’m certain that I love sex with men, but I sometimes wonder what effect being called a faggot everyday for nine years had on my sexuality. Sometimes children can be the cruelest people of all. Good luck.
 

bigbull29

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but I sometimes wonder what effect being called a faggot everyday for nine years had on my sexuality.

^

You wonder, don't you? Many boys in high school are called this every day and without consequence to the name-callers. After so long, I'm sure it takes a toll, triggering a natural reflex to always question their sexuality for years to come. I'm not saying that will necessarily make a boy gay or bi; but what I am saying is, is that it could be a deal breaker for some.

You've indeed raised a very good point which merits much discussion. It is a crying shame that this is never addressed in our society.
 

Almost40

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So young and you dont enjoy your youth but you only force yourself to be this or that... Why oh why? Maybe you are not just ready yet, for any particular role. Relax, spend some time away from those thoughts, you still have plenty of time ahead. Take a trip, go watch a movie, listen to -scream n shout - Britney !!!, enjoy nature, have fun or just go to work and try to make the best of your time. Dont do what others want you to do.
 

AtomicMouse1950

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I totally agree with the below statement. Enjoy and cope with your sexuality first, before coming out to family.



It’s unusual that you can do something comparatively difficult, like coming out to your family, but have a hard time doing something fun and easy, like playing with your buddy’s cock. Most people have the opposite problem.

I agree with the other posters that you should go slowly and not force anything. I also agree that you need to talk about it, with friends and possibly a therapist.

Anti-gay bullying in early childhood is very traumatic. I don’t think enough attention is paid to the issue and I’m sure it causes problems later in life—long after one has come out. I was called a fag in school starting in kindergarten. I was very precocious, nerdy and came from a rich family. I would have been called names even if I were straight. In the 1970s, calling someone a fag in elementary school was a generic insult; I don’t think anyone really knew what it meant. I wasn’t particularly effeminate; more like a born metrosexual—even at five years old.

I believe that I was born gay, and I’m certain that I love sex with men, but I sometimes wonder what effect being called a faggot everyday for nine years had on my sexuality. Sometimes children can be the cruelest people of all. Good luck.