how do i deal with this?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by grandunification, Mar 18, 2010.

  1. grandunification

    grandunification Well-Known Member

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    I have spent the last two years studying with this girl who has alcohol and sex addiction. We have never done anything physical, but I have fallen for her very badly. We went drinking the other day and when I tried to show affection, she said she didn't give a shit about me. I told her never to say that ever again, and she said she really did like me. I walked away and haven't returned her calls since then. I do not want to feel the way I do about her. I wish I had never met her, so then I could sleep at night without having to think about how she's out having drunk sex with guys she doesn't give a crap about and treat her like dirt, when she should be with me. What am I supposed to do about this? I can't stop loving her. It's not something I have control over.
     
  2. oakenrod

    oakenrod New Member

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    therapy. for both of you.
     
  3. Charles Finn

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    I am so glad i am not totally straight
    men play different games than females do
    I wish you luck man
     
  4. Mastur

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    Love yourself more and walk away.
     
  5. Stephenmass

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    It IS a situation you cannot control as far as being with her. Take control and do what Mastur says above!
     
  6. grandunification

    grandunification Well-Known Member

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    I guess none of you believe in love. You guys don't get it. How can I just stop myself from loving somebody?
     
  7. Purdee

    Purdee Member

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    Its a sad situation for you, but some ladies just seem to fall for the guys that always treat them bad. I know it is hard for you just to walk away, but sometimes its just what has to be done. She don't know what she is missing, from your pictures you could make her very, very happy, not only in the for the sex, but a nice caring person.
     
  8. nudeyorker

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    I understand a thing or two about love. I also understand some of the motives with people who have addictions. Love is based on a foundation of love and respect and you build on that and revise it as necessary. Addiction is based mostly on not having any respect for yourself and others but doing what is necessary to get your fix.
    My advice is to take a step back and evaluate your agenda here. What exactly do you want out of this type of relationship. It sounds like all you have currently is abasement, frustration and anger. If you really love someone you don't enable their addiction. An addiction is just that whether it's alcohol, sex or heroin.
    It might be a good idea to start being completely honest with yourself and with her. That should lead you to the next step to take.
     
  9. exwhyzee

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    Actually, they do know and they gave advice. Save yourself. You can't control her, so control yourself. How do you do that? Get away from her, quit seeing her. Go out with your friends, connect with other people. Know that the two of you are going to be happier in the long term apart from each other. It might hurt in the next few months, but do you want this kind of relationship dominating your life for the next 10 years? You deserve better.

    Stop loving somebody else by loving yourself first.
     
  10. AlphaSpartan

    AlphaSpartan New Member

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    You need a friend to talk to about it in person. She is displaying clear signs of psychosis, even professional psychologists would get aggravated.

    Believe me, if this wasn't ended soon you'd really be in a world of hurt. Life goes on.
     
  11. dolfette

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    people with drink problems say things they don't mean.

    but, even if she's the right girl, this isn't the right time.
     
  12. L_Lynn

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    Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can or should be with them.

    Save yourself any more heartache and love her from a distance.
     
  13. Incocknito

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    Alcoholic with sex addiction. She's a keeper!

    Srsly, if you think an alcoholic with sex addiction is the best you can do then by all means continue to lose sleep at night and pine after someone who doesn't feel the same way.

    You will most likely never end up together and even if you did, she'd be broken, moreso than she is already.
     
  14. atlas23

    atlas23 Member

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    Just the perfect answer!
    I would ask you to evaluate the situation and take things easy.
     
  15. bek2335

    bek2335 New Member

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    You are letting your emotions rule your head, and they are giving you very bad advice. Stop seeing her, period. If you persist, you are hitching your wagon to a crazy horse, so don't be surprised if you get a bad ride.
     
  16. naturistMale

    naturistMale New Member

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    your very first question was, "how do i deal with this" and all the answers you are getting are saying, you don't deal with it...just move away.
    she's addicted to alcohol and sex - they control her.
    you're addicted to her, and her behavior is controlling you. so you are just as out of control as she is. just move away.
    i know you want to help her.
    has she asked your for help?
    probably not
    you can offer an addicted person a solution, but they don't believe there's a problem.
    usually, according to the books on addiction, the booze is just a symptom of a greater underlying disorder
    do you really want to wait around and find out what that disorder is?
    she's on her way down and she'll take you with her; you wanna go?
    back away
    &
    stay away
     
    #16 naturistMale, Mar 18, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2010
  17. cdog204

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    My advice: If you want to have a real, meaningful relationship with this person, what you need to do is get her into rehab and you onto a psychologist's couch. Bottom line is that she needs to deal with her addiction(s) and the best and fastest way to do that is residential rehab. You need to deal with your own problems, some of which go way back and some of which she has probably given you.

    After rehab and a good, productive relationship with a therapist, try a relationship if you are still interested.

    Best to you.
     
  18. dirrtyminded

    dirrtyminded Member

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    You can "love" her all you want, just realize that she will probably never sober up enough to truly realize and accept your feelings. Based on what you've said she might be bi-polar too. Before you try to save her stop and think about what it is that you love about her and why. She won't change her ways until something puts her in a do or die situation, and even then, she might revert to her old ways once or twice before getting over her addiction.

    Look you can't choose who you love, but you can choose how you show them love.
    If you care about her to the extent that you want to honestly help her, then try.
    Otherwise back away slowly and let her know that you care, but you won't stick around for her messed up behavior.
     
  19. grandunification

    grandunification Well-Known Member

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    Let me make it clear that we have never done anything physical. No relationship between us has ever existed. However, I have gotten to know her through studying with her over the last two years here at OU. I fell for her through that. You might say I don't know how I really feel about her until we have a relationship, but I think that's wrong. I know how I feel about her right now. And all this advice about leaving her to suffer on her own is exactly the opposite of what a friend should do. Maybe I'll always just be her friend, but even if that's all I'll ever be to her, I should still try to help her. That's what love is about.



     
  20. playguy

    playguy New Member

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    There are so many questions you overlook because you believe love overrules everything:

    Why has it never been physical in two years?
    If you decide to stay with her, where do you see this relationship going? Do you think you are going to save her? Are you going to put up with being mistreated?

    The other day on a show about drug abuse, one user said, "Addicts treat people who care about them the way cats play with mice." It's true. They don't even want to be mean, they just want to see if you keep coming back.

    The real question is: Why do you choose to love someone you know you won't be physical with and who won't love you back as much, when you could find something else? I was in this situation once, and it was because I was afraid to face certain truths.
     
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