how do i deal with this?

[MH07]

I guess none of you believe in love. You guys don't get it. How can I just stop myself from loving somebody?

I think everybody on here believes in love. The problem is, when you're in it, you don't think clearly (none of us do, it's the human condition). So, if you ask a question of people outside the relationship, you have to be prepared for an answer you didn't want to hear.

Contrary to popular myth, legend, and every song, poem, etc ever written, love does not always conquer all. You are biting of a very large chunk there with someone with those addictions (and the underlying psychological problems that cause them). Now, you may be strong enough and mature enough to handle these problems when 99% of society can't; if so, we salute you. However, these problems are large and serious.

One of three things will likely occur: (1) She snaps out of it on her own ("outgrows it"), (2) She gets a lot of help and slowly recovers, or (3) She continues down this path.

If (1), when she does snap out of it, she may see YOU in a different light; she may see you as part of that whole "past" thing and moves away from you to "put it behind her"---which leaves you crying. This actually is a fairly frequent scenario (I know you can't see it from where you are).

If (2), this can happen but it is a long and winding road. It's hard, costs lots of money and time, and has no guarantee of success.

If (3), you won't be able to last. If she's drunk and having sex with different people every night, you will ultimately have to leave---and will have wasted X years of your life pursuing her when you could be finding someone else.

The other factor, of course, is disease....

Now, nobody on here (and I've read all the responses) has told you that this is going to be an easy thing for you. On the contrary, this is going to be very hard and painful. It always is. As you point out, you're already there, so there's no sense in saying, "don't do it". If you pull yourself out of the situation, it's going to be very difficult for you, and emotionally draining. If you don't pull yourself out, either (as others have pointed out) you will fall into her lifestyle yourself, or (as I said above) you'll spend several years you'll never get back.

My personal advice to you: cut your losses, stop seeing her, cry your tears (you will, we all do), and move on with your life.

Good luck.

 

[EllieP]

i can't add to what others have said earlier. Emotions are real things, just as real as a logical mind. But unlike a logical mind there is no basis for feeling the way you do. You just do. At some point you're going to have to reel back in your emotions and examine them. That's probably the hardest thing to do.

I married extremely young because I thought I was in love with him. I was in love with him being the father of my children. Actually, I was in love with the children he could give me. When I finally examined my emotions I realized we had little feelings for each other. He wanted my body and I wanted his sperm. Stupid trade, I know now.

 

[grandunification]

Just tell me this. Okay, I'm going fucking mad over here. I am literally about to cry, which I do not do as a man, as that would be girly. lol.

The last thing she said to me was "I really do like you Justin". She tried to call me later that night but I didn't return her calls. I keep waiting for her to text me, but she hasn't, and I'm afraid if she never will.

I just want a girls opinion right now, so shut up guys. Should I contact her? Is that what girls do? Do they test to see if the guy will pursue them to see if he really cares? I was pretty much doing the same, I wanted to see if she would text me first.

 

[D_Perry_Pumphandle]

I understand what you are going through because I have a friend that does that also. Waiting for that chance or just the right moment for here to say I'm ready. No matter how much you like her you have to think more of yourself to wait for anyone. Would you really respect a woman waited on you while you did whatever you are doing? Dude shes treating you like a rug. Don't call her!! Fuck it! What are you losing someone who really not attracted to you like that and you are wasting time out your life trying to try to make happy. Look at it for what it is. She just don't care for you like that and get away from her before she shovels the shit out her life into yours.

 

[Darkriff]

Only you can truly answer this question better than any of us ever could. I will tell you one thing from experience tho, you can't change someone 100%. Not only is it impossible, it's stupid to think you can. I married a woman I thought I could change, all that ended up happening was me waking up one day wondering if I had made a mistake. A single lie past that day ended our marriage. People can only change so much, and that's also ONLY if they're willing to change. Steer clear and move on bro, there's only more pain in the future if anything were to happen between you two.

 

[B_625girth]

she may have told you she didn't give a shit about you, so you would not get involved with her. she doesn't want to drag you down to her level or hurt you. she has low self-esteem.

I sat for yrs and watched a gal I really loved, get drunk, date(fuck) different guys almost nitely, fuck herself away for drugs. literally, walk into a bar, tell a guy, "get me high and I'll do anything you want sexually". after almost 40 yrs it doesn't hurt as much as it used to when I hear that these days. the worst part is her looks have gone south, and guys turn her down now. and then she turns mean, because she's drunk, and has got a need to get high that outweighs love or sex. about the time she gets the yeah or the nay from the guy, I'm heading out the door. either way I ain't sticking around.

 

[Viking_UK]

Some very good advice on this thread. Dolfette, Bek and MH07 have basically said everything I would have. With any addict, you'll only ever be second best, if that, and a drag or millstone at worst. If you're looking for a relationship where you're hurt almost every day, this could be it. Yes, she could come out the other side and be a wonderful person, but how often does that happen? Not very.

Another thing to consider is that you may actually mean a lot to her, but she's hiding it or doesn't realise just how much, and you not being at her beck and call may be the kick she needs to make her do something about her problems.

As for calling her, I don't know... I'd advise against it, because then you're going to her and it probably won't help your position. However, you probably don't want to close the door on her. Leave it a few days, and if she hasn't called you, you could maybe text her, "call me when you're sober" or something like that.

Whatever happens, don't get any more deeply involved with her until her addiction's under control, and even then, be very careful.

 

[nakedone]

You deserve better! Keep telling yourself that! There are lots of women out there that you could love just as much, and who would treat you right. Go, while you still have time. I certainly wish I had not wasted the years of my life that I did on bitches who weren't worth it.

 

[Ramsey]

I understand caring about someone who does not feel for you as you do to them. It only causes pain, so look for another. I know that sounds harsh, but I've learned about women like you describe and you are only ruining yourself for someone more mature that will appreciate you and never want to let go of you.

If she is the right person, then like Dolfette said, this is not the right time. If you pursue things now, she will just continue in her ways and destroy you utterly in the process.

 

[Gillette]

The last thing she said to me was "I really do like you Justin". She tried to call me later that night but I didn't return her calls. I keep waiting for her to text me, but she hasn't, and I'm afraid if she never will.

The other day on a show about drug abuse, one user said, "Addicts treat people who care about them the way cats play with mice." It's true. They don't even want to be mean, they just want to see if you keep coming back.

I dated an alcoholic for two years, He was warm, charming, intelligent and thoughtful...when sober. I actually always had a great time with him sober, but it never lasted. On payday he blew it all on beer. The alcohol was more important than I was. The only way I'd see him that weekend was if I went to whatever party or pool hall he was going to but that didn't mean I was with my bf. I was with a drunken shell that looked and sounded like him only. And after every horrible binge of him wetting the bed, being an asshole, being insensate there would be sober him with apologies and promises. Promises he never kept.

I honestly believed that love would save him.

I tried everything I could think of.
I was understanding, long talks when he was sober, listening as he poured out his heart about how bad drinking made him feel.
I took him to AA meetings.
His alcoholism continued.

I tried recording him drunk on video, sober him was repulsed by his behaviour.
His alcoholism continued.

His family held interventions.
His alcoholism continued.

Arguments. Begging. Pleading. Crying. Bullying. Hiding his money.
Nothing prevented him from drinking because the alcohol was EVERYTHING.

Here's a preview of what the voices in your head will be telling you if you pursue a relationship with her. It's what I heard throughout my relationship with Ernest.

"Alcohol is more important than you are."
"He won't stop drinking because you're not good enough"
"If you were better you'd be able to save him."
"You're worthless"
"You're worthless"
"You're worthless"
"You're worthless"
"You're worthless"

I only left him when I was so emotionally drained that there was nothing left of me to put into the effort of saving him.
I couldn't cry, I was empty. Putting everything I had into him left me a zombie. I had taken second place TO A FUCKING LIQUID!!! for so long I truly believed I had no worth.

I would save you that if I could.

You're idealistic, I was too until I burned out.
She also has a sex addiction meaning her constant infidelities will erode your sexual self esteem as well. Being with this woman will leech away everything that is good in you and it's very long road to get it back. I still don't have the full confidence in myself that I had before I dated Ernest.

If you want a sample of the pain you'll be going into try running headlong into a brick wall and repat until you lose concious. If you're very lucky you'll give yourself amnesia and forget you ever met her.

You. Will. Not. Save. Her.

But she may well destroy you.

*Edit P.S. The relationship ended over 16 years ago. I ran into him the summer before last. He's still a drunk.

 

[helgaleena]

Listen to gillette. It is a threesome right now, you, her, and her addictive ways. You can love her all you like, love is a good thing, but she will not change until she decides to change. Only finding the ability to love herself will do that. And it's like pissing, much as you would like to, you can't piss for her. Help her to the john, yes, but once she's seated it's all up to her.

It will be a fine line to walk, remaining her friend. You must not buy her poison for her and yet you must not alienate her by nagging too much or she will leave and hurt herself worse than she does in your presence.

Talk to her sometime when she's not drunk about this whole business. Lay it out for her. If she gets mad and walks, that will hurt short and sharp like ripping off a bandage, but it will not fester.

 

[dolfette]

she has to save herself.

in the meantime, if you can't help but injure yourself on her, then for the sake of self preservation you must step away.
at the moment you sound like you're using her to emotionally self harm. the angst the obsessing, the replaying of every incident.

 

[D_Geffarde Phartsmeller]

I've been hooked on the wrong girls before but you can't do anything to help them if they see no problem to begin with. Best advice, as others have said, is to move on and let time do the rest. You're not just going to magically get over her. It takes me ages to get over girls, especially if we haven't dated! The what-ifs always linger in my brain. But you WILL get over her and find someone else. Hopefully someone more suitable!

 

[B_quietguy]

I have spent the last two years studying with this girl who has alcohol and sex addiction. We have never done anything physical, but I have fallen for her very badly. We went drinking the other day and when I tried to show affection, she said she didn't give a shit about me. I told her never to say that ever again, and she said she really did like me.

If she tells you she doesn't give a shit about you, then why pursue any further? Why make yourself miserable chasing somebody who just aint into you.

The worse thing that could happen here is if you to get into a long term relationship. After so many months or years, she'll ask herself why she is with you if she never wanted you in the first place. Then she'll leave and you will be heartbroken. Or you'll wake up one day to discover the woman you are living with does not live up to your expectations and actually has lots of traits you don't like. (such as getting drunk way too often) Then you'll have resentment towards her for all the lost years you could have been happier with somebody else.

There are many other women who would be a much better match for you. Save yourself the grief, cut your losses, and move on.

 

[B_quietguy]

I guess none of you believe in love. You guys don't get it. How can I just stop myself from loving somebody?

I think what you are experiencing is not love - but infatuation or lust. There is a big difference between those.

Also, what about the love for yourself? Would you harm yourself by getting involved with somebody who is just not right for you?

 

[D_Circumcisus Skinless]

I guess none of you believe in love. You guys don't get it. How can I just stop myself from loving somebody?

from afar like I do!!!!! A caustic relationship will burn the both of you in ways you cannot image, been there dude, plus I have a son by her and I have custody of him since he was two yrs old and now he's a teenager now so I know what i'm talking about and I know what your going through, when I look at my son, I have a constant reminder of her now try that one, when your trying to raise a child while attempting to live a good and productive life...........Run while you can if there is anyone on the Planet who care about YOU!!!, Family for instance I'm sure they would be so crushed if something happened to you over this Hot Mess!

 

[hud01]

Just tell me this. Okay, I'm going fucking mad over here. I am literally about to cry, which I do not do as a man, as that would be girly. lol.

The last thing she said to me was "I really do like you Justin". She tried to call me later that night but I didn't return her calls. I keep waiting for her to text me, but she hasn't, and I'm afraid if she never will.

I just want a girls opinion right now, so shut up guys. Should I contact her? Is that what girls do? Do they test to see if the guy will pursue them to see if he really cares? I was pretty much doing the same, I wanted to see if she would text me first.

That was really rude.

You don't need a woman's point of view, you need unbiased opinions from people who have been in relationships.

If you care about her, get her in therapy.

The reason you need to walk away is that you are too involved and until she straightens out her issues, she is just going to drag you down, either by not returning your affection, abusing you mentally, or by bringing you into her world.

I think you are going to wait until someone comes on here and tells you what you want to hear.

 

[grandunification]

Update:

She texted me saying how sorry she is and that she has alcohol problems, and that she cares about me. We're going out tomorrow. I know she has problems, but at least she recognizes it. That's a start. Her problems aren't as bad as I may have led you to believe. She has a job, and as I told you she is a full time student. She can handle that despite her addictions because she's extremely smart. So what if she has issues, who the fuck doesn't? I care about her, and so I'm not gonna walk away.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Some people have more issues than others. I know a few men who have put up with sheer hell from insane women, for whatever reasons, and they lose respect from everyone around them. After a while people stop telling you what they see and trying to warn you of the impending danger. They just let you spin into a downward spiral and often still try to help you when you are completely smashed into the ground and feel like utter shit. Then these people around you get pushed away when the chick decides to take you back (even though shes lucky to have some guy put up with her shit) she manages to make you feel good about yourself about 1% of the time and thats all you need to survive.

You can't live on love, but damn so many people try. And some people just have to learn it the hard way. Sadly, most of the time it takes the chick moving on to some guy she hasnt totally obliterated to almost nothing to get her respect because he's new and awesome to her. Given a short amount of time she doesnt respect that guy either, or he won't take her shit so she comes back to you. And you will take her back.

You see, to you this story is extremely unique, to others, its VERY familiar and often predictable.

 

[THEDUDEofDestiny]

I have spent the last two years studying with this girl who has alcohol and sex addiction. We have never done anything physical, but I have fallen for her very badly. We went drinking the other day and when I tried to show affection, she said she didn't give a shit about me. I told her never to say that ever again, and she said she really did like me. I walked away and haven't returned her calls since then. I do not want to feel the way I do about her. I wish I had never met her, so then I could sleep at night without having to think about how she's out having drunk sex with guys she doesn't give a crap about and treat her like dirt, when she should be with me. What am I supposed to do about this? I can't stop loving her. It's not something I have control over.

im actually in the exact same situation. ive been drinking myself silly to forget my pain and trying to fuck random tail. good luck!

(i wonder if it is the same girl :0)