How do I do it?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Notaguru2, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. Notaguru2

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    I'm going to make this brief and to the point. I've been married for 18 years and it's been a good marriage overall, but for the last few years the sexual aspect of the relationship has dropped off. It seems like I am married to my best friend, which is good I suppose. I find myself getting restless now though as I'm 37 and not ready to hang my libido up.

    She and I have discusses our lack of sexual relations plenty of times but the discussion never goes anywhere. I'm to the point the discussion has to go somewhere now though.

    I want to be with her forever; I love her that much. I want to open the discussion and lead it towards opening our marriage up. I feel that this may prove to turn the discussion into a combative one, but I have to have this conversation with her if the marriage has any hopes of survival.

    Right now, I see the options as:

    1. Open up the marriage and allow each other to have sexual experiences outside of the marriage, yet maintain every other aspect of the marriage.

    2. Continue the status quo and fap the rest of my life away

    3. End the marriage and try to maintain the "friendship" we have together

    Based on past conversations, I'm pretty sure options 1 & 3 will be met with opposition. For me, I'm tired of #2 - it's gone on too long.

    Can I even bring up #1 and be taken seriously? Have any of you had a traditional marriage on the outset that turned into an open marriage? I just don't know what the hell to do. I'm so conflicted about this...
     
  2. Industrialsize

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    You're probably not going to want to hear this, But if I were in your position, I would suggest to my wife that you go to couples counseling. There you can have an impartial intermediary to help you and your wife talk. I know couples counseling helped me out a LOT.
     
  3. Notaguru2

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    I forgot to mention... we did the counseling thing a while back. Her point of view is that it doesn't help. I highly doubt she would go for it. I should've mentioned that we tried that once for a few months.
     
  4. CALAMBO

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    hey guy...been in your shoes longtime...the love in a longtime marriage is there...the sex is not....i have many times wanted to take option 1 & 3....do not expect much help from folks here...most have not lived our life...my frank conversations with wife seem to work for a while...then settles back to me j/o more than i get laid...try a vacation with your lovely wife...make it a romantic getaway...talk do not fight...unless you guys are the type that have to fight to fuck, then at least you have tried and you must now take the action to make YOU happy...take a lover, some will say you are an evil fuck...ignore it...only you know your life...but if you do take a lover, make it out of town no one needs to know your business...........good luck...many others feel your pain.......if you find an answer pls share it with me.
     
  5. MickeyLee

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    you might want to pick up a copy of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton or Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage by Jenny Block. both fairly respected reads on the subject of open relationships. lots of information on how to open up an established relationship and introducing the idea to your partner.

    personal advice. before you mention it to her take the time to educate yourself on the issues, be ready to answer her questions, be ready to reassure her ego or hurt feelings.
    check out a few message boards, resource groups, support boards aimed at open relationships & poly-relationships. no matter what you do you need to be honest with yourself and you partner.

    giving therapy another go might help, people change over time so another go might produce better results. if she knows you are at the breaking point maybe she'll put more effort into therapy. she might have been on the defensive or unwilling to deal with certain issues.

    good luck.
    ML

    sex isn't the most important things in a relationship but it's still pretty damn important.
     
  6. Fireplace

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    IMHO, going outside the marriage is not going to improve things between you and your wife. Adding someone else to the mix is going to nothing but further complicate things and make the marriage that much more difficult to maintain. The swingers i've known have solid marriages and even they run the risks IMO but really...going to see someone else is going to do nothing for your marriage. It will be a matter of time before you start to not only feel physically fulfilled by that person but also emotionally and then it's over. Personally, my wife and I went through a rough time a while ago. We both woke up though and realized that we had committed to loving each other and that we had stopped actively living that in different ways. Now things are great and we actively seek to show the other we love them in every way possible. In my experience sex will follow immidiately once you and your wife are emotionally and spiritually connected and feeling fullfilled in real ways...the sex is a natural by-product of that. I agree with the others...I'd really go the counseling route.
     
  7. Ed69

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    Option #1 worked short term for my wife and I with a small variation.We brought a female friend home and both of us played with her seperatly.It only lasted six months,but in the years since then things have been great.Maybe she won't take you serious maybe she will,ask her.
     
  8. B_bflr

    B_bflr New Member

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    I feel your pain, Notaguru2. I'm in a similar situation. I love her, but for various reasons I have a sex drive, and post kids and post cancer she does not. While I have some compassion for her I am also not willing to give up a part of myself just to take the pressure off.

    It would seem to me that you have some honest talking to do. You have a right to tell her your needs and what you expect. She has an obligation to keep your marriage consummated. On the flip side, it's very possible she has been hurt by you or doesn't feel emotionally safe, and therefore is keeping distance. I know that has been try with my wife. I have pushed my wife away through some mistakes, and it's been hard work to repair. But I think it's worth it.

    I will be honest that as a bi-man, I have had a man on the side a few times. She knows about a couple of them, and I think that hurt her too, but that's where we are. I am safe and careful and kind of like what Calambo said, it's what I do. I wish I could be open with my wife about it, that would be best and would a lot of things easier. But right now I don't think that would be constructive. When I'm with my guy, a lot of needs are met there then I'm a better husband and father at home. And it's easier then to avoid pressuring my wife. I'm not suggesting your force #1, but I can only tell you what has worked for me. It's not ideal, but it's the best I know how to do to keep the peace at home.

    Good luck.
     
  9. earllogjam

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    I think it boils down to how much you value your sex life and pleasure.

    Some questions to ponder:

    Do you still find your wife sexually attractive?

    If you did have an open relationship would you be satisfied with having sex with someone yet not being emotionally connected to them?

    Is having a healthy sexual relationship to you a key ingredient in loving someone?

    Is sex worth loosing a best friend over?
     
  10. Notaguru2

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    Let me add; it's not like I'm having sex twice a week and I want more. I've had sex about 6 times this past year and one of those wasn't even on my anniversary night. So, as a 37 year old testosterone filled man, I am wired for way more than I am getting and I cannot help the feeling.

    I don't rule out that there may be some hurt underlying somewhere. But, I can tell you it runs both ways. While I allow my pain roll away over time, she is known to internalize hers much more.

    All I know is, that if you think making love to your life partner 6 times per year is sufficient, then I'll just shut up. However, the effect that its having on me is causing me to either look outside the home or throw in the towel altogether. The macho man in me says, "Don't let this perfectly, wonderfully really thick cock die in your pants, it has work to do". The other side of me says, "You and your wife chose each other; respect it".

    This is my plight.
     
  11. CALAMBO

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    DAMN MAN...dump her...file for divorce...bring home a new woman...YOU deserve better...do you think she has a lover?....does she even want sex? anymore...your story is sad...are you a religious person?...is she?...does she want to stay married?...you are way to young to live in this manner....life is short..too short to live this horror story.
     
  12. goodwood

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    OMG notaguru2 -
    i am so sorry to hear of this. thanks for sharing. and also to all of the other people who have shared. i suspect this is a more common thing than many people speak of. while not married, i have experienced a similar thing and since i was not married, ended it.

    it sounds like a fundamental break down in communication to me. and as a very communicative person, i have always insisted on this from whoever i was with at the time, but like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar that all they had to do to get out of the pounishment was just say 'yes. i did it. i am sorry. i won't do it again.' the women would never do that. they closed up and would not tell me what was going on with them.

    which leads me to proffer that the problem may be very much with her. i am not accusing. but it has been my experience that the problem which caused her to withold sex or at least not offer it or discuss the lack of it has been because of some sort of issue(s) she refuses to deal with.

    i know very well about the refusal on her part re. couples counseling saying it doesn't 'do anything'. well of course not. she doesn't want it to do anything. she is very self focused on whatever is going on with her and when one is self focused like that, there is a complete disregarding of her partner - you.

    i have had many relationships like this and i simply could not tolerate it no matter how much i loved the woman at the time. in my experience, if her complete self focus took priority over our relationship, then there was no relationship worth having.

    i am very sorry to hear of this and of your frustration and hope that you are able to work this out, that your wife is able to deal with whatever she is taking great effort to avoid dealing with.

    Per open marriage - i have never known of an open marriage that ended up being successful in the end. every time, the option of open marriage has been more of a way to more easily let the other one go. this has only been my observed experience.

    Best of luck and keep us posted. you shall have no lack of support here.
     
  13. Principessa

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    You have to get counseling as a couple, either that or just get a divorce and screw who you want. The only way an open relationship works is for both couples to be okay with it. Doesn't sound like she will be okay with it.

    On the off chance she is okay with this, will you be okay with her having sex with a different man. Even if he is taller and better hung than you? :confused:

    FWIW: There is no good way to say, "Honey, since you don't want sex anymore and I do, I think we should have an open marriage."

    Good luck with that! :rofl: :lmao:
     
  14. Notaguru2

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    She always tells me how our sexlife is the same as the other girls in her office; that after kids, women don't desire sex anymore. When we have talks about our sexlife, she makes me feel like the weird one.

    I'm certain she's never had a lover.
     
  15. Notaguru2

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    These have all been really good points and I've accomplished one thing I needed to do: I've eliminated the concept of an "open marriage". Thanks to you, I reflected on what that would mean and simply, it would put off the inevitable in my mind which is a break up. Ultimately, we're going to wind up there it seems.

    It's been tough to talk about this, but I don't really have local friends that could relate or that I could even share with. Now, I just have to decide between #2 or #3.


    ** Off topic: Looks like I'm going to hit 1,000 posts this weekend!!! =)
     
  16. Principessa

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  17. Notaguru2

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  18. goodwood

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    oh, notaguru - i am sorry.
    but most women i have dated that have had kids can't get enough of sex. i haven't heard of this women post kids not wanting sex. o_O
     
  19. earllogjam

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    The French just have mistresses, Mormons just picked up another wife or two, Chinese had concubines, and rich Arabs had harems. Married American men got stuck with their own hand.
     
  20. Phil Ayesho

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    Sit her down.

    Ask her the following questions in this order.

    Q-Do you miss having sex more frequently?
    IF she answers yes, then ask the next question :
    Q- Are you willing to see a doctor about your low libido?


    If she says yes- then take her to a doctor that treats women for low libido. He will prescribe a testosterone cream that, for 80% of the women who try it, makes them feel horny as an adolescent boy.



    If she says no to the first question or the second question, look her right in the eye and tell her you still have sexual drives and desires, and are not ready to hang up the testicles at your age.

    Tell her your needs and drives are not "less" important , nor less valid than her own... and that it is entirely unfair and unacceptable that she should make the decision for BOTH of you that your sexual relationship is essentially over.


    Tell her you love her and want to be with her... but as MORE than mere pals. And that the lack of physical intimacy is eroding your and her's emotional intimacy. Tell her that the problem is not with YOU... that you clearly still feel a strong desire for her... but that she obviously has no strong desire for you.

    Then look her right in the eyes and pointedly, but compassionately ask her quite directly what SHE proposes to do about this problem.
     
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