How do I get out of this?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by KTF40, Oct 3, 2009.

  1. KTF40

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2009
    Messages:
    1,898
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    DC
    So I'm 22 and I went out with a woman last night who is 40. We met online with the intention of starting a strictly sexual relationship. Our "date" last night was kind of a meet and greet to see if we were compatible. Well, everything went perfectly. We saw a movie and then we talked for about 2 1/2 hours. During that time we made out and groped each other a little. Basically, things were going so well that I could have had sex with this woman, but she had to pick up her kids early the next morning so we both agreed it would be best to do it another time.

    With that said, here is the problem. I'm not attracted to her at all. On a personal level I like her a lot, but on a physical level there is barely any spark on my side. I told her I'm attracted to her, I told her I want to have sex with her, but I really don't and only said it not to hurt her feelings. What makes things worse, I don't get the feeling she has a super high self-esteem in regards to her looks so I don't want to be honest and say the physical chemistry isn't there. She isn't ugly, but maybe a 4/10. I dunno.

    So what do I do? How do I get out of this? I don't want to just ignore her, cause that seems kind of rude. I'm thinking of telling her a lie, like I got family issues or something. Anybody have any good ideas? Maybe stuff that has worked for them? Any help would be appreciated.
     
  2. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Messages:
    8,978
    Likes Received:
    11
    "Hey, I really enjoyed meeting you, and respect you enough to let you know that I guess I'm just not feeling it as much as I had hoped. Sorry that I feel that way."
     
  3. D_Doe_Ray_Mi

    D_Doe_Ray_Mi Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2009
    Messages:
    988
    Likes Received:
    17
    Yes, Just be honest. Having learned a lesson here, in the future have the respect for another to give them the chance to deal with the truth.
     
  4. hud01

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2009
    Messages:
    5,262
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    new york city
    Good answer.
     
  5. Countryguy63

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    14,488
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,445
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    near Monterey, Calif.
    Verified:
    Photo
    Bud, Please just be honest with her. You owe her that much.

    Besides, no matter how much you work it out in your head, or how perfect it sounds to you, it can ALWAYS be seen through. And that will make her feel worse than the initial let down.

    And, you're right about not ignoring her. Being left hanging is one of the worst feelings. Be an adult man and face the hard part.
     
  6. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    pft! i say lie.
    tell her your much loved ex has asked you back.
    no strings sex can't compete with a soul mate.

    owing her the truth? when the truth will only upset her, when there's no chance of there being consequenses to the lie, why hurt her more than you have to?
     
  7. D_Rawkesbye Deadheade

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2007
    Messages:
    1,251
    Likes Received:
    2
    I suppose honesty is your only way out of this sticky situation, mate. It's going to be harsh considering she's not one to look at herself in positive light but it's necessary. After all, you have done nothing wrong.

    I'm liking your instant solution a lot, kris.

    Got problems? Kris solves it. :smile:
     
  8. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Messages:
    8,978
    Likes Received:
    11
    :smile: Well ... not so instant ... I've said stuff like that and heard stuff like that said to me, too. Personally, I'll take something quick and honest like that better than some lo-o-o-o-o-ong messy explanation. PLUS ... I find that most guys have trouble being honest with women, so when you are honest and low-drama with them, many women will respect that even if they don't agree.

    HA! Gonna start my own advice blog. :wink::cool:
     
    #8 D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead, Oct 3, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2009
  9. KTF40

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2009
    Messages:
    1,898
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    DC
    Here is what I got so far. Something like

    "Hey,

    I had a really great time with you last night. I'm really attracted to you and feel like we connected on both a personal and physical level. But I'm kind of going through some various personal issues at the moment that I didn't really tell you about and don't want to get into at the moment. After some deep thought, I realized at this time I don't think it would be in my best interest to continue to meet. Hope you can somehow understand and can accept this decision. I apologize and wish you the best in the future."

    If you guys think this is terrible, I'll probably go with krispdx's advice.
     
  10. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    tactful, polite and respectful.
     
  11. SilverTrain

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2008
    Messages:
    4,582
    Albums:
    8
    Likes Received:
    404
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Thank you!

    So very much lying in the world, justified for all manner of dubious reasons (can you say "profits"?), but when it gets to these kinds of things everyone's always turning into Pa Ingalls, slowly shaking their heads and sermonizing about the crucial importance that all manner of hurtful truth must be inflicted on a fellow human.

    Smacks of justified sadism to me!
     
  12. D_Diesel Oyl

    D_Diesel Oyl New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2008
    Messages:
    601
    Likes Received:
    6
    You should watch the movie "Class" with Rob Lowe.....
     
  13. SilverTrain

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2008
    Messages:
    4,582
    Albums:
    8
    Likes Received:
    404
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Love that one. Don't take my life cues from it, though.
     
  14. dolfette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2006
    Messages:
    11,901
    Likes Received:
    25
    i learned this from reading terry pratchett. uh huh.
     
  15. OCMuscleJock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    Messages:
    3,292
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    879
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Luis Obispo, CA
    IMO when a situation like this comes up...dolfette is right. You're trying to keep a person with low self esteem from feeling worse and you like her...just not physically. No need to lead her on or make her feel bad. KTF40 had a great suggestion...paraphrase that! :) It will make you look good and her to feel good about herself but still get you off the hook.
     
  16. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8

    This. No one wants to be told that actually your not attracted to them after all, it's crushing.
     
  17. greatdickismydrug

    greatdickismydrug New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2009
    Messages:
    531
    Likes Received:
    2
    Don't lie. It's insulting Any woman of that age who can't see through a 22 year old's lie is worse off than we thought. Still, you don't need to be cruel. Just say that the chemistry isn't there. Honest, to the point, end of story. Works regardless of the age difference/self-esteem issue.

    Oh, btw, the only reason that a 40 yr old woman should be involved with a 22 yr old man is for FUCKING. No movies, no "making out", no dating. That's what you thought you were getting then somehow got suckered into more.

    I question her sanity/emotional stability. Take it from this 43 yr old cougar with plenty of 20-somethings under my belt, end it with her. The sooner then better. Even if that means ignoring her. Oh, and it works both ways, btw. LOL
     
  18. Wish-4-8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2008
    Messages:
    2,808
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    LA, California
    I was thinking the same thing. Why the date? Older women KNOW what they want. You dont have to wine them, dine them, but you better 69 them. Or else why go out?

    I say this because that was the original intention.
     
  19. KTF40

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2009
    Messages:
    1,898
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    DC
    For the above two posters- Initially, we were supposed to fuck right off the bat. But this other girl came into the picture and I basically chose her over the 40 year old. Fast forward a bit, things don't work out with the girl and I start talking with the 40 year old again. Now the 40 year old isn't in such a "let's fuck right away mood" so we had a meet and greet to see if we're on the same page. Definitely not a wine and dine though. And of course, I can't tell her straight to her face I'm not feeling it because I lack balls.

    Actually, the more I think about this I'm liking Dolfette's ex idea. From what we taked about, I think there is good chance she could think it's plausible.

    And also keep in mind, this woman was on cloud 9 by the end of the night (even without the sex). She was really into me and I acted really into her. To come back and say the chemistry wasn't right would sound extremely fishy to her.
     
  20. L_Lynn

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2009
    Messages:
    517
    Albums:
    7
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Oregon
    Verified:
    Photo
    Generally, I am all for being honest. In this case tho, it sounds like you have already been dishonest with her by acting like you were really into her. To tell her now that there's no chemistry would be confusing.

    NSA's are tricky as heck. Next time you should go into it with the honesty up front, no acting.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted