How do I go about finding an affair partner?

justacynic

Experimental Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2008
Posts
214
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
238
Location
San Francisco
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
It's been 4 years and I'm tired of discussing it with her. She doesn't want to do the hormone thing and I won't make her try as it can cause additional complications.

I don't want to see her doctor as I simply don't care what her (Dr.) feed back is since it's really up to my wife to bring it up if she cares about her lack of sex drive.

You are probably right here, and it would be difficult for me to be with another woman but I feel I have run out of options and am running out of time. In addition, my wife cheated on me years ago and I never "got even" with her for what she did to me. This may be playing a part in my current motivation, but I really miss the intimacy and passion of sex.

totally relate to and agree with everything said here until the "In addition . . ." part. An extremely frustrating and unfair situation.
 

alx

Sexy Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Posts
1,024
Media
0
Likes
60
Points
73
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
Anyone with decent morals wouldnt even consider the affair and simple go down the 'wank' route.
You sound like you don't care and that you are still bitter about your wifes past affair. Two wrongs don't make a right.

In hindsight what you should have done is booted her out the door when she had the affair in the first place.

You either got to go down the 'wank' route and man up or divorce and live life as a happy single man that can do whatever he pleases.
 

B_prettyswinggirl

Experimental Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2010
Posts
422
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
53
Location
Southern California
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Wow! You are bitter! I realise some of that is probably out of frustration and I can't help but think you must still love your wife despite the "in addition". Starting an affair isn't the right answer for you or for her. You stated she had a hysterectomy...was it with removal of ovaries or did they leave them? If they were left she really shouldn't need hormone replacement therapy and may just have some clinical depression going on. She also may need a little boost of testosterone. As men and women age their levels go down. Lack of the proper amounts of estrogen and testosterone lead to soooo many more health problems than using HRT does. It includes major damage like ostioporosis and heart failure. If you love her at all then you need to man up and have the balls to help her even though she may not think she wants it.

And let go of the past already! You chose to keep her in your life for a reason, yet you're still hanging on to all that pain. It's been 4 years for goodness sake! You can forgive her...I bet you'll feel a ton better in the long run. Maybe that's why she's lost interest?? It's hard to want to be intimate with someone who's holding a grudge against you.
 

justacynic

Experimental Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2008
Posts
214
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
238
Location
San Francisco
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
Wow! You are bitter! I realise some of that is probably out of frustration and I can't help but think you must still love your wife despite the "in addition". Starting an affair isn't the right answer for you or for her. You stated she had a hysterectomy...was it with removal of ovaries or did they leave them? If they were left she really shouldn't need hormone replacement therapy and may just have some clinical depression going on. She also may need a little boost of testosterone. As men and women age their levels go down. Lack of the proper amounts of estrogen and testosterone lead to soooo many more health problems than using HRT does. It includes major damage like ostioporosis and heart failure. If you love her at all then you need to man up and have the balls to help her even though she may not think she wants it.

And let go of the past already! You chose to keep her in your life for a reason, yet you're still hanging on to all that pain. It's been 4 years for goodness sake! You can forgive her...I bet you'll feel a ton better in the long run. Maybe that's why she's lost interest?? It's hard to want to be intimate with someone who's holding a grudge against you.

An interesting notion: "help her even though she may not think she wants it." How do you propose that this be accomplished? He has evidently discussed the lack of sex situation with her in some manner over the course of four years. (That's my interpretation; it could be that he's tired of discussing the aftermath of her hysterectomy after four years). She has evidently refused to either engage in alternative acts of intimacy, refused to engage in hormone therapy (which is supported by the OP), refused to discuss this as 'an issue' with her doctor, etc. If WA is like CA, her doctor cannot discuss this with him without her present. If she is depressed and either does not think she is or fears that a doctor will say she is, how would you suggest forcing her to schedule an appointment to be evaluated by a psychiatrist in order to be properly treated? I would love to know so I could consider such options for my own life predicaments.

I agree on the other point--if forgiveness was never possible, it should have ended way back when it happened. Although I'm sure that to some extent, he mentioned that in the following sense/perspective: She obviously thought sex was important enough at some point before the hysterectomy to get it from someone other than him. He elected to 'work things out' and at some point later, she got the hysterectomy and now her lack of sex drive and their lack of sex of four years is either not a problem in her view or something she doesn't want to deal with.
 

B_prettyswinggirl

Experimental Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2010
Posts
422
Media
0
Likes
15
Points
53
Location
Southern California
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
In reference to Justacynic's post...

I was refering to her possible depression which in any state of the union it is possible for him simply bring her into her local ER to get her help. Once that is delt with then she may be more open to HRT.

Have YOU delt the woman you love having a hysterectomy?

Most men shy away from the subject and really don't "deal" with it at all. I also haven't found many women willing to even admit they've had one unless you've said you've had one too. They certainly don't keep rehashing their experience and feelings. We women tend to keep things to ourselves so we don't worry those aound us. There's still a bit of a stigma and shame associated with a loss of your female organs. Breast cancer survivors have a similar feeling of loss of their womanhood.

Not even at designated websites such as Hystersisters.com do they go into depth on the amount of sexual disfunction that can occur after a hysterectomy. The OP has only generalized for us. I have a serious doubt that with his level of animosity, he's actually held her hand and gone to an expert on HRT or sexual disfunction with her.

Kindness and compassion go a long way to helping this situation. Not one lady I know wants to be a sexless androgenious wife in any way, shape or form. It feels humiliating and leads back to that pesky subject of clinical depression I had originally mentioned.
 

MoneyForNothing

Just Browsing
Joined
Dec 8, 2010
Posts
201
Media
3
Likes
0
Points
51
Location
Ontario
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
With a reputation for mostly fake profiles to make men think there are women to communicate with, and sending messages is where the site makes money. Based on what other members have posted, I would go with AFF over ashley.

All hook-up sites are mostly fake profiles and still mostly men even including the fakes. Welcome to the bullshitty sausage fest called the internet.
 

D_Chesty_Pecjiggle

Account Disabled
Joined
Aug 24, 2007
Posts
615
Media
0
Likes
26
Points
163
I'm ok with this guy seeking it elsewhere. Though I would seriously consider divorce.

First, can you cheat on someone with whom you're not intimate? If the wife can claim to have love without sex, why can't he have sex (elsewhere) without love? The double standard seems unfair.

But I would strongly encourage you to just send it. If you're a free man your options open up dramatically. Sure, some women may want an affair, but lots more are going to want a relationship and all the intimacy that comes with going out, meeting friends, etc. And you can only obtain that as a single man.

I guarantee that 3 months after a split you'd be happy you did.
 

TheRob

Legendary Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2007
Posts
5,673
Media
19
Likes
1,911
Points
333
Gender
Male
I wish when women wanted to step out on thier husbands this community would tell them not to
double standards are so sad
 

TheRob

Legendary Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2007
Posts
5,673
Media
19
Likes
1,911
Points
333
Gender
Male
i would tell a woman the same thing.

really? yet this guys wife had an affair and he's just supposed to not only be ok with that and take her back but also be ok with the fact that he can't have sex anymore cus of a problem she has?

gotta say that's quite a bit iffy babe
 

dolfette

Expert Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2006
Posts
11,303
Media
0
Likes
108
Points
193
Sexuality
No Response
really? yet this guys wife had an affair and he's just supposed to not only be ok with that and take her back but also be ok with the fact that he can't have sex anymore cus of a problem she has?

gotta say that's quite a bit iffy babe
did i say that?
i believe i said he's be better off divorcing her. he obviously can't forgive her betrayal, there's no sex, he wants to cheat, so wtf does this relationship have going for it?
 

nicenycdick

Sexy Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2007
Posts
1,785
Media
1
Likes
45
Points
133
Location
New York, NY
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
You have my sympathies. As I have often told here, my wife and I have a sexless marriage and it had been that way for more than 10 years. Despite my earnest attempts, she has been unwilling or unable to seek any help in fixing this. My marriage is, however, not devoid of love. While I spent years resenting her unwillingness to confront the problem, I never considered having an affair for revenge. I have cheated on my wife. There is no other word for it. I could no longer live without sex and I made what was, for me, a very difficult decision. Although we had words in the past about seeking satisfaction outside the marriage, she was never able to discuss it without tears. And, selfishly, I have not told her about my extramarital affairs because I would lose her. I know that it would be more honest to divorce her, but I can not. The biggest reason for that is that I love her more than I can say. I know that I am trying to keep the best of both, but I am unwilling to give up my wife...or live the rest of my life without sex.

It is easy for others to judge this...of this I am aware. From a distance, it is easy to say what you would do. When placed in this position, however, it becomes much more difficult. I can only counsel you in this way: make sure, doubly sure, you have done all you could to resolve it with her; give it time...a very long time; consider the consequences very carefully; be safe.

Good luck.
 

aninnymouse

Cherished Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
Dec 13, 2006
Posts
2,812
Media
0
Likes
349
Points
553
Location
In My Own World
Sexuality
60% Gay, 40% Straight
Gender
Male
You have my sympathies. As I have often told here, my wife and I have a sexless marriage and it had been that way for more than 10 years. Despite my earnest attempts, she has been unwilling or unable to seek any help in fixing this. My marriage is, however, not devoid of love. While I spent years resenting her unwillingness to confront the problem, I never considered having an affair for revenge. I have cheated on my wife. There is no other word for it. I could no longer live without sex and I made what was, for me, a very difficult decision. Although we had words in the past about seeking satisfaction outside the marriage, she was never able to discuss it without tears. And, selfishly, I have not told her about my extramarital affairs because I would lose her. I know that it would be more honest to divorce her, but I can not. The biggest reason for that is that I love her more than I can say. I know that I am trying to keep the best of both, but I am unwilling to give up my wife...or live the rest of my life without sex.

It is easy for others to judge this...of this I am aware. From a distance, it is easy to say what you would do. When placed in this position, however, it becomes much more difficult. I can only counsel you in this way: make sure, doubly sure, you have done all you could to resolve it with her; give it time...a very long time; consider the consequences very carefully; be safe.

Good luck.


The difference between you and the OP is that in your posts, your caring for your wife show. In the OP's, All we hear is disdain, anger, and a desire for revenge. Maybe you're at a different place than OP, but still.....

It comes to the question, do you want a longtime platonic companion, or do you want a wife/partner? If your relationship is healthy enough to make it the longtime companion, that's fine, just be prepared for the fallout.

I wonder what more women have to say about the idea of this type of relationship.
 

molotovmuffin

Experimental Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2009
Posts
7,449
Media
0
Likes
9
Points
183
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Female
It's all for naught. The OP has been gone for over 5 days, he got the responses he wanted, places to find an affair partner and he's gone.
 

drifter777

Just Browsing
Joined
May 11, 2011
Posts
4
Media
0
Likes
0
Points
36
Location
Seattle - east side
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
You have my sympathies. As I have often told here, my wife and I have a sexless marriage and it had been that way for more than 10 years. Despite my earnest attempts, she has been unwilling or unable to seek any help in fixing this. My marriage is, however, not devoid of love. While I spent years resenting her unwillingness to confront the problem, I never considered having an affair for revenge. I have cheated on my wife. There is no other word for it. I could no longer live without sex and I made what was, for me, a very difficult decision. Although we had words in the past about seeking satisfaction outside the marriage, she was never able to discuss it without tears. And, selfishly, I have not told her about my extramarital affairs because I would lose her. I know that it would be more honest to divorce her, but I can not. The biggest reason for that is that I love her more than I can say. I know that I am trying to keep the best of both, but I am unwilling to give up my wife...or live the rest of my life without sex.

It is easy for others to judge this...of this I am aware. From a distance, it is easy to say what you would do. When placed in this position, however, it becomes much more difficult. I can only counsel you in this way: make sure, doubly sure, you have done all you could to resolve it with her; give it time...a very long time; consider the consequences very carefully; be safe.

Good luck.

First, I was on vacation (with my wife) so am not gone. Second, thanks to all of you for your comments, advice, and opinions. I take them all in the spirit in which I feel they are given.

This post (above) comes as close to my situation as I have ever read - except I have not been "mostly" sexless for as long and have not yet gone outside of marriage to get it. My wife and I have children and grandchildren we love desperately, and she has been a great mother and partner for many years. It's just that this lack of sex, closeness and passion is simply driving me crazy.

To those that have told me that, regarding her cheating, to just move on and forget the past - I wonder if you could. What if your husband/wife had sex with another person behind your back? How would you feel about such a betrayal? How would you handle the mental images of them having sex that pop into your mind over and over again? This is the torture that some people go through when they discover their partner has cheated. Still think it's so easy to "just get over it" or "move on"? If you do then you simply haven't been there of refuse to understand that the pain of infidelity effects all of us differently and my reaction is actually quite common. This is by far the primary reason I have not yet cheated. If I do I will take my secret to the grave so she will not suffer as I have.

I haven't done anything yet because I am so torn on what to do next. I figure that if I do something, I don't know what, it will be when I truly cannot take it anymore.
 

nicenycdick

Sexy Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2007
Posts
1,785
Media
1
Likes
45
Points
133
Location
New York, NY
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
First, I was on vacation (with my wife) so am not gone. Second, thanks to all of you for your comments, advice, and opinions. I take them all in the spirit in which I feel they are given.

This post (above) comes as close to my situation as I have ever read - except I have not been "mostly" sexless for as long and have not yet gone outside of marriage to get it. My wife and I have children and grandchildren we love desperately, and she has been a great mother and partner for many years. It's just that this lack of sex, closeness and passion is simply driving me crazy.

To those that have told me that, regarding her cheating, to just move on and forget the past - I wonder if you could. What if your husband/wife had sex with another person behind your back? How would you feel about such a betrayal? How would you handle the mental images of them having sex that pop into your mind over and over again? This is the torture that some people go through when they discover their partner has cheated. Still think it's so easy to "just get over it" or "move on"? If you do then you simply haven't been there of refuse to understand that the pain of infidelity effects all of us differently and my reaction is actually quite common. This is by far the primary reason I have not yet cheated. If I do I will take my secret to the grave so she will not suffer as I have.

I haven't done anything yet because I am so torn on what to do next. I figure that if I do something, I don't know what, it will be when I truly cannot take it anymore.

I think the point is that the cheating that your wife has done is not adequate justification for you to have an extramarital affair. And I think you believe it is...simply because you spend so much time explaining how much it hurt you. I think you have to look into yourself and make sure that your decision to do this is not motivated by revenge. Her actions do NOT, in any way, make what you do any more justified or moral. It is important that you don't fool yourself with this.

Make sure you've spent enough time trying to resolve her low sex drive in other ways. And if you haven't yet, seek some help in resolving your anger. You otherwise risk destroying what could be a marriage you might want to preserve.

Again...good luck.