How do I tell her I want out of this relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by docilej, Apr 26, 2011.

  1. docilej

    docilej Member

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    Not exactly a large penis related issue, but I need some fellow guy advice.

    Long story...but I'll try to sum it up best I can: I was married for 15 years (divorce official May 2010). During my seperation I got into a long distance correspondence/relationship with a woman who is seperated herself (She's in NY, me in CT). Once my divorce became official our relationship heated up. During this time we were seeing each other once a month (long weekends). Unfortunely she lost her job and couldn't land another one. I suggested she start looking in my area (half jokingly, but to my shigrin, she actually started to). After a couple of months of rejection letters she suggested that she move in for 3 months. This way she could more aggressive look/pursue a job here.

    During this time she saved up her money and was able to look for work in earnest. Sure enough she landed a job and weeks later got herself an apartment. Now we're about to bring her stuff down from NY out of storage (along with her 14yo son). Here's where the heartache begins. While we get along fine and there's alot of love between us. But now I'm able to assess everything that has taken place (and what will be happening). We both don't want to get re-married (she still technically married- her "ex" is one flight away from bolting to Texas to hook up with an old flame) but she does see us being a couple for real long time (hinting that she'd be moving back in with me). I'm now having serious second doubts about all of this. At first I thought my marriage failed because I was with the wrong person...but now I realize it's the whole concept of being in a relationship...this is freaking me out. I was so happy late last year- living alone...and now here I find myself going down the 'long term relationship/happily ever after' road. I really don't want this.

    Needless to say I feel horrible that she's basically moving down to CT just for me. I'm happy she got herself a job, but still. She's going to be crushed when I tell her this. Right now, with less than a week to moving, my stomach is in knots, unable to sleep. I'm thinking of giving it a few months- seeing what it's like living alone yet dating, but I just don't see it happening. She knows I have my doubts but wants things to work. I'm in a quandry...sorry I don't have any close friends I can tell this to.
     
  2. nudeyorker

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    I don't think there is any easy way out of this. You have both traveled a very long and bumpy road being in a bad marriage and getting divorced. The only thing I could suggest is sitting down with her and having a very, very honest conversation about your feelings and beg her to forgive you and offer to help get she and her son set up in an apartment close to where she will be working.
     
  3. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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    I am going to have to agree with nudeyorker. Ni easy way, never is in life if your going to do the right thing. She deserves the respect of letting her knownhow your feeling. You just splurged your feelings to an online community. You should take the time to do so with her. I hope you find the courage to do so. For your sake and hers.
     
  4. fun30013

    fun30013 Member

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    I would not feel bad about the move to CT. After all she was not able to find employment in NY. Lots of people move for work. I agree that you need to let your feelings be known now and perhaps you can still hang out till she gets a new circle of friends in her new city. My only advice is not to wait - dragging this out is not fair to her nor you. Follow your heart in what will make you happy. Life is way too damn short to be unhappy.
     
  5. daview4444

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    You've got to be honest with her.
    It'll be very grim in the short term, but you'd be doing her a huge disservice by getting into a relationship which you don't want. It'll breed resentment, and it will be worse the longer you wait. Do the brave thing, and tell her.
     
  6. monel

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    I don't think you owe her any sort of commitment just because she moved to CT. But I'm not exactly sure what if any relationship you want with her. If you are into just dating then let her know that you are not looking to move too quickly into something more serious. Then keep things at that level until you know where you want the relationship to go. If you just want out altogether then you have no choice but to tell her it's over as difficult as that may be.
     
  7. helgaleena

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    Now that she's got her kid with her and her own place, you will have many more opportunities to tell her you are not ready. And she will be able to have a separate social life from yours. Just keep resolving to tell her the truth, and a good moment will pop up.

    Just think, you two could be FBs with lots of flings on the side for decades as long as you maintain separate digs. It's how I'm living now. I love it! (no pressure to choose just one splendid man this way)
     
  8. august86

    august86 Member

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