How Do You Ask Someone Out? Part II

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jason_els, Dec 6, 2008.

  1. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    The time approached for my date and I have to offer many thanks to everyone who was with me in spirit. Special thanks to nudeyorker for accompanying me to the gallows --- er meeting place. It was wonderful to be handed-off, so to speak. The less time I had to obsess, the easier it was to stay relaxed.

    Right at 5:00, as appointed, Calvin (name changed) appeared looking very dapper in a top coat and leather gloves. He has a great full head of dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a goatee that looks REALLY good on him. When he smiles the light dances in his eyes. He smiled as soon as he saw me and gave me a big hug. It was wonderful and while I was still nervous, it was a good nervous-- edgy and exciting. He asked me where we should go and I offered one place that I knew of, but he thought it was a bit much and so we started walking around. He asked if I was the steak or sushi type and I volunteered that I preferred sushi and so did he. We started debating various places and it turns out he's a foodie too! Yaay!

    So we walked up Lexington a bit, then across 55th to Park and then Madison Avenues. This is a great area of the city, filled with fantastic architecture, posh boutiques, stores, and all lit for Christmas. There weren't many people about and that was good because we could walk side by side and talk. Calvin was smiling a lot, enjoying our stroll around, just talking. I was still nervous though finding myself uttering partial sentences for thoughts that didn't yet exist and so must have sounded ridiculous. If that was the case, Calvin didn't seem to notice. We talked about food, restaurants, chefs, and jobs. I remarked that my cousin used to work in the same building as he did, as an art investment consultant. We talked about layoffs and rehires and changes in our lives to make them better. At one point I coughed a bit and he asked if I had a cold. Just smiling I turned around smiling and remarked, "...and I wonder where I got that from?" He laughed openly and freely.

    Finally we stopped outside of Grayz, where star chef Gray Kunz from Lespinasse works his magic. So much for skipping the expensive places. We both ordered the same appetizer and the same entree. We did differ on dessert, but shared what we had. Calvin had a butternut squash brulee pudding and I had Thai basil ice cream. Both were remarkably good. We chose a nice small table toward the back where we could talk and talk we did.

    We talked about Body Electic, BDSM, and it turns out he's been to my counselor/massage therapist. The entire time he's smiling, I'm smiling, and there's a little flirting going on. I find it easy being with Calvin as he's so open and warm. It's tough because we first shared some extremely intimate moments and are only now just really getting acquainted. I spent the first half of dinner trying to stop imagining myself sweeping everything off the table, bending him over, and fucking him right there but perhaps it illustrates how attracted I am to him. And then he said the dreaded words, ".... my partner...."

    :frown1:

    So he has a partner. Shit. At that point I stopped trying to flirt and tried very hard to put any thoughts out of my head. I tried not to let my disappointment show.

    The rest of the dinner was good. We talked about our interests, the economy, and more about restaurants and BDSM. I think he felt it was a relief to talk to somebody about our experience who understood what it was like.

    We split the check and got ready to leave and I gave him another hug outside the restaurant but decided that even if he was partnered that he would make a good friend to have, a partner for going to the BDSM gigs. So I offered, "If you're partner's not into BDSM and you want to go to a SIG, let me know and I'd love to join you."

    "Oh I don't have a partner." :eek::smile::biggrin1:

    I just halted right there and I think my jaw must have dropped a split second before I broke into a big smile. I could not have been more obvious. So he was partnered but not any longer. That was good to know! Very good! :saevil: Or at least that's what I hope.

    I headed for my train and arrived back home and I was walking two inches off the ground. I think it all went very well and had he not had a previous appointment, we would have hung out much longer.

    So what do I do now? Do I ask him out again for next Friday or do I offer to do something sooner? Do I write him and thank him for a great time? I do have some links I mentioned that I could send him though he's certainly bright enough to figure out the website names on his own. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to seem too eager but nor do I want to seem disinterested. How do I let him know I have a romantic interest? Isn't that implied in asking him out or do I have to say something unmistakable?

    I'm a bit scared that my inexperience in this sort of thing will fuck up my chances with him and I'd hate for that to happen as I really am a bit head over heels at this stage of the game.

    My truest thanks to everyone who has helped me with this. I couldn't have done it without you and special thanks to nudeyorker for sticking with me until I was ready to meet him. Your help has been the best Christmas present I could have imagined.
     
  2. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    Yeah whatever you do my shower is off limits!
     
  3. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    No serious;y I'm glad that went as well as it did and as per my thread we'll IM about this...but this should be yr last thread about it....#2 is good.....lol
     
  4. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Man, I'm just pissing everybody off lately! :frown2:
     
  5. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    No hugs. I can't deny yr joy of this event. If I was/were/mudpie you I'd be doing a little dance-ee-poo.
     
  6. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    How's this?

    :crazy: :jumping38::1244::banana::dance:
     
  7. D_Ireonsyd_Colonrinse

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    Boy, you guys sure do talk about food a lot. Steak, sushi, appetizers, butternut squash brulee pudding, Thai basil ice cream.

    Jason, we all love you but you sound like a walking nightmare. You have three alternative scenarios playing out inside your head at any one given time. Even Woody Allen was not this neurotic.

    I think part of the reason you're mind is always spinning & flying off in so many directions is because 1) you secretly believe the worst in people (i know, you're SO sweet, Jason, but it's true. you secretly believe the worst and it's all gonna end badly) and 2) you seem to get lousy reads on the situation. you're always misinterpreting, getting signals botched, jumping to (wrong) conclusions, forestalling the inevitable moment when the guy breaks up with you.


    But, on the other hand, your a great read. You make neuroticism almost romantic man.
     
  8. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Which is why my therapist frequently resembles The Blue Rajah's reaction to Ballerina Man.

    If I believe it will all end badly then that's because that's my history. I hope I'm not getting lousy reads on situations because I think this one went well. My great lack is experience and confidence.

    Thank you for the compliment. Now if only people would pay me for what I write!
     
  9. Dave NoCal

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    Jason, a phone call in which you tell him you enjoyed spending time with him and hope to again would leave your intentions clear without crowding.
    Dave
     
  10. D_Ireonsyd_Colonrinse

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    hey Jason.

    That comment i poster last night (in the early morning) seems out of line. Sorry dude. i get overanalytical and now wish i could delete.

    You're a good guy with a really big heart man. Wish you all the best with this guy.
     
  11. Lkg4BJ

    Lkg4BJ New Member

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    Jason: you put into words what everybody else is thinking anyway and just repressing. Your a ROCKSTAR

    ADAM
     
  12. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Welp...

    Sent Calvin a nice email very early Sunday morning telling him what a good time I had and my hope that we can get together again soon.

    So far no reply :confused:

    Is this usual or should I take this as a sign that he's simply not interested?
     
  13. earllogjam

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    Give him a week to reply. He may be struggling what to write just like you. :smile:
     
  14. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    A WEEK??!! Are you serious? How does anybody do this!?!?! That's way too long. Like I said last night. I thought dating another guy would be easy. You decide what to do and do it, fucking each other silly within an hour or two and then go for drinks. If this is how gay guys date then I may as well date women.
     
  15. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Ok so who is the lucky women?
    C.B.:saevil:
     
  16. Not_Punny

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    Good luck, sweetie!

    And remember, he could be neurotic or shy too. The best communication (IMHO) is something simple, like: "Had a great time, and I'm looking forward to showing you _________ (restaurant) if you haven't already been there."
     
  17. Principessa

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    A week is too long. That's what makes some single women go crazy and buy cats. :tongue: These silly waiting games are stupid and made up by sadistic men. :cool:

    I thought we agreed you were strictly dickly now? :confused:
     
  18. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    K, then that email was well-worded. I wanted to call him but felt that waiting to thank him until Sunday morning would be a bit much and my weekend was a nightmare of busyness. In retrospect, I should have called, but I'm happy with the email.

    Nah, didn't take it like that at all. I am neurotic because I'm so inexperienced at all this and I tend to take rejection very hard. Thank you for your comments. They're very reassuring.

    Wow! Thank you very much!

    Does everyone think these things? For their sake, I sure hope not.

    Very cute. I've pretty much decided that I want to have a relationship with a man at this point but wouldn't rule out a roll in the hay with a woman. I get a tremendous feeling of absolute power when I have sex with women, as if they can't challenge my ability or my dominance in bed. With men it's more electric, more even, more exciting because of the raw masculine energy of both partners and there's never any certainty of dominance. I find the differences between men and women to be fun. Granted I haven't had sex with women in about 14 years, but I'm not ruling it out unless I get into a monogamous relationship.

    God I hope he is!

    Being the food maven he is, I'm not sure there's a restaurant he hasn't been to. About the only place I could really tempt him to is Momofuku Ko but getting reservations there is only slightly easier than at El Bulli. Not that he would sneeze at Per Se or Le Bernardin, but he's been there.

    So that's what turns women into crazy cat ladies!! I've always wondered! Old maids and cats... scary combination.

    No, I'll never rule out pussy save for a monogamous relationship, but right now I have a deep desire to date a man and have lots of mansex so that's my focus. Were I to find myself in a hotel singles bar with an attractive woman looking for a quick no-strings lay and I liked how she looked and acted, then sure. Better than cranking one out up in the room.
     
  19. HyperHulk

    HyperHulk New Member

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    Jason--my 2 cents: take a chance and do for the guy what you would want someone to do for you. Look man, you have to be willing to mess things up and let the chips fall where they may. Part of dating people is making mistakes and learning from them. It's also knowing that you're not perfect and you can't do everything perfectly. What you want to avoid is developing a co-dependency with lpsg that has you coming here for advice in your life. You can't lpsg your adult decisions. Say you get with your guy and you talk about your first meetings and you go, yeah I threw out what to do with lpsg and they told me. You're 42, I don't care how much experience you've had with guys or not, you need the confidence to take chances and bounce back from it if it goes haywire.

    I can understand your fear about "losing" this guy but you don't really have him to lose him. You just have to be willing to learn about yourself and about dating and the best way to do that is to dive in. Treat others as you want to be treated. If people don't treat you the way you feel is acceptable, move on to the person who does. It might take some time, but that's ok, that's the joy of the adventure of life.
     
  20. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I think I'm willing to take a chance and lose. I wouldn't have asked Calvin out if I didn't know there was a risk of rejection. Rejection and failure were both built into the equation. If he never contacts me again then yes I'll be disappointed but I won't be distraught. I'll learn from it and continue on my self-improvement program. Asking Calvin out is something I'm giving my best shot to because it's important and I'm not attracted to that many guys. I'd hate to fuck-up over a stupid amateur mistake. As I do this more and more, I'll need help less and less. That's part of the process of learning to fly on your own. Right now, I'm not even out of the nest when it comes to dating.

    Codependent on LPSG? Who? Me? :tounge-in-cheek: The fact is that some LPSG members have been instrumental in changing my life for the better and their kind, gracious, and unusually sage advice has served me very well. I don't think it wrong to be 42 and listening to the advice of others. Some of the people here I know well and I give added weight to their opinion based upon past experience, others I'll only give a grain of salt. Some of these people I know outside of LPSG.

    When I say I'd hate to lose him, I mean I'd hate to lose an opportunity because of a faux pas in dating etiquette or communication. If he gave me a few dates and then decided I'm not the guy for him or vice versa, then I'd be satisfied that it really was me and not something I said or did by mistake that conveyed meaning I was unaware of. I was raised, for better or worse, on very strict Emily Post (an American etiquette doyenne of the early 20th cenutry). Those days are over save for an oddball world I only occassionally inhabit because of family or friends. Functioning in the real world and particularly in matters of romance, are difficult for me because I instinctively gauge every social behavior against what I was raised to believe was correct. I'm a Victorian in a postmodern world and new unscripted experiences are difficult for me because I have programmed myself to please others according to how they like to be pleased. Getting out of that mode and developing a mode of behavior that takes account of what I want and need but that also conveys my heartfelt feelings for others in modern socially recognized and acceptable ways, is what I'm trying to do. Dating is part of that and it's a trecherous ocean for me because of my insecurities in knowing what to do. Being competent at what I attempt is ridiculously high on my list of priorities so getting up to speed on how to do something so important as searching for potential mates makes me thirst for knowledge like an ardent Tantalus.

    Thank you so much for writing your response. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness and candor. It really did make me think.
     
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