How Do You Ask Someone Out?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jason_els, Nov 25, 2008.

  1. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Ummm..... I have asked out maybe three people in my entire life and I'd like to know how to do it right. I met a guy this weekend who said it was OK if I wrote him and I'm wondering when I should, what I should say, is lunch or dinner a bad idea so soon, all that. I don't know if he's got a boyfriend or what the deal is with that and I'd like to find out without seeming as though I'm asking (does that even make sense :confused:).

    Anyway, I think he's cute and he's very cuddly, and he's quite the hot bear. Should I strike while the iron is hot or is it too soon and too desperate?

    I was writing an email and this is as far as I got:
    Dear Cxxxxx,

    You are such a kind and giving person. I had no idea you gave me a present before you left on Sunday. It wasn't until yesterday morning that I discovered it so I apologize for not writing sooner. But it was at that first frisson, that first twinge, that first chill that I knew it had to be you.

    So tell me, how long does this cold last? Is it a runny nose cold or a chest cold? How bad does it get? I'm sitting on the couch with my ginger tea and Cold-Eze. They seem to be holding the worst at bay :p .

    Anyhoo, I'll be in the city next Friday, 12/5 and wondering if you'd like to get together for a late lunch or dinner.

    He really did give me the cold and I know it was him and he would know how and why too :wink: so I thought I'd go with that.


    Thanks!
     
    #1 jason_els, Nov 25, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  2. killerb

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    it's not too soon...
    simply suggest that the two of you "hang out" sometime...
     
  3. Northland

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    No, no, no! Never tell a prospective love interest that you may have gotten sick by them. Much better to work it in reverse and act as if you have no idea where the germs came from; but, now that they've exhibited, you're concerned for their well-being.

    I have taken the liberty to rewrite your letter, first excluding the word "Dear" at the start. It's a personal choice; however, I felt it was leaping too far ahead calling him dear this early on. (later in the letter though, you may refer to him as 'darling')





    Hope all moves in the forward direction you would like, keep us posted.
     
  4. rob_just_rob

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    I'm direct, and start small. Lunch, dinner, coffee, that kind of thing.

    But then, I usually get asked out, rather than doing the asking.
     
  5. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    I disagree with the "hang out" thing, as, to me, it seems too ambiguous.

    When asking someone out, I try to do it in person or by phone.
    I am friendly, funny, and direct, let him know that I am interested romantically (or would like to get to know him better), and ask him out for a date within a few days (a week max).

    Your e-mail is Ok, it could be a bit more upbeat and flow better. Northland's isn't bad, but I think still needs to be more flirtatious.

    Imo, mentioning the cold is good, but I'd be, again, more flirtatious and maybe allude to how you got it and add a wink.

    Good luck!
     
  6. str82fcuk

    str82fcuk Member

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    edit edit edit edit
    and stike while the iron is hot
    but be casual
    and play down the flu thing
    and you'll still need to edit again
    :)
    short. sweet.
    specific but maybe a little coy.
    that works for me.
     
  7. nudeyorker

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    This is your new letter. I agree with striking while the iron was hot but your other letter was a little, um what can I say. I gave it an edit.
    I was writing an email and this is as far as I got:
    Dear Cxxxxx,

    You are such a kind and giving person. I had no idea you gave me a present before you left on Sunday. It wasn't until yesterday morning that I discovered it so I apologize for not writing sooner. I've been very busy, I hope you are feeling better.

    I'll be in the city next Friday, 12/5 and wondering if you'd like to get together for a late lunch or a cup of coffee.

    Talk to you soon,

    Jason​
     
  8. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    leave out the warm, fuzzy, smoochy stuff -- that and compliments always freak me out, and lead me to say: Sorry --busy, but we'll try for some other time!
     
  9. D_Ireonsyd_Colonrinse

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    jason: Don't OVERTHINK the freaking thing. Just ask the guy out!

    (there's plenty of time for your neurosis to come out on future dates!)
     
  10. earllogjam

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    Yup, those kind of emails scream high maintenance.

    Jason,

    If he likes you he'll go out with you regardless of what you write in the email. If you're having trouble wondering what to write just put yourself in his shoes and write accordingly - what kind of email would you like to get asking you out for a date? I don't think it needs to be elaborate - I think it just needs to be simple, direct and friendly. Giving a cold to another person is not such a great thing so I wouldn't mention it, personally.


    Hi Cxxxxx, I'm going to be in NYC on ____ and was just wondering if you'd like to get together for a friendly cup of coffee or something.

    [let him respond and then you can set something up that works for BOTH of you]

    Positive energy your way. Bon Chance.
     
  11. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Jase, I was loving the letter until I realized you were talking about a real cold. Up until then, I was thinking "Who knew Jason could be so romantic?" When a person says "You give me fever!", that's not exactly what they want to hear.

    There's rarely such a thing as too soon and all too often, too late. When you wait too long it becomes more and more awkward to get in touch as the memory starts to fade. If you felt a chemistry you need to do it soon, do it cleanly and do it honestly. Don't overthink it and let the chips fall where they may.

    Practice makes perfect and if you don't get up on the horse you'll never learn to ride.

    So, I guess we're not still on for Friday? I hope not. :wink:
     
  12. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I'm so lucky to have such great minds in my corner. I feel like de Neuvillette taking cues from Cyrano.

    I think you're all right. Despite my fecund propensity for purple prose, I should just keep it stupid simple. As I said, I don't even know if he's taken or not. It's best to avoid a repeat of past mistakes and strike while the iron is hot lest I become obsessive and static.

    I like Earl's idea of keeping it simple however I must point out that I was partnered with him twice at PSI and we did share a few intense hours of erotic activity. Should I say anything about that? Maybe just leave it to, "I had a great time with you at PSI?" or should it be a little deeper so as to reveal my more romantic intention? Or is just saying that enough? I'll leave out the bit about the cold. Why make him feel guilty even in a slightly amusing way?

    Talk to me like I'm 16. That's about where I am in romantic maturity. I'm horribly awkward about these things.

    Thanks again!
    J.
     
  13. D_Ireonsyd_Colonrinse

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    Dear Jason,

    You are such a kind and giving person. I had no idea you gave me a present before you left on Sunday. In fact you gave me herpes simplex virus type 2.

    I am sitting here with my ginger tea and zinc supplements and tea tree oil for the occasional outbreaks. They seem to be holding the worst at bay.

    Anyway, maybe we can get together for Friday brunch? Friday brunch at Sizzler's would be cool because my Walgreen's pharmacy is right next door and I'm almost out of antiviral medication and ginger tea.

    Till then,

    Will
     
  14. earllogjam

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    Jason,

    I didn't know that you already have played with him. Just a work of caution (You probably already know all this) - keep in mind that for many gay men having sex does not explicitly mean they want to have a relationship with you. It is like recreation to many and not a sign that they want to be engaged or serious about any future relationship. You should be open to just having a friendship if he is not romantically interested in you even though you've had sex already.

    It works a bit differently in the gay world than the straight. Sex is not necessarily part of the commitment or love equation, intimate and intense as it may have been.
     
  15. B_andyo

    B_andyo New Member

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    "hey! lets grab a bite to eat"
     
  16. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Thanks Earl, yeah I am aware of that. I'm also aware that I tend to be very fond of guys who send me places... rightly or wrongly. We didn't actually have sex though. The first pairing I held his hands, wiped his nose (as he was shackled down) and kept eye contact with him as his flogging witness. That's a ridiculously intense thing to share with someone even if it sounds like it isn't. For all that was going on his body, he could look at me and find reassurance and strength in my eyes.

    The other thing we did was a grand finale. There was some mutual masturbation. Neither of us got hard (tough to do when you've got clothespins hanging off your cock and balls), but never was there any penetration or ejaculation. He did seem to enjoy kissing my neck and chest after all that. That have have been a heat of the moment thing, I'm not sure.

    I did ask him after the program was over if he would mind me contacting him to, "get together sometime," and he said yes.
     
  17. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    P.S. As to the friendship thing, yeah. I'd be open to that. He's a sweet guy. I'll still be terribly disappointed for a while at least. I've been down that road before, know the signposts and the rest stops. I want to expand my list of friends in accessible places anyway. As you once said, "It's good to accept love when it's offered," and if that love involves friendship, then I'll be happy with that. He is a fun and happy guy I'd like to have in my life.
     
  18. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Jason,
    I think Earl is exactly right. Though it sounds as if the two of you had a very intense erotic session, that was what the exercise was for wasn't it? Getting to know and master how to touch someone yes? I don't know how he would feel if you attach a "romantic feeling" to what was done at these classes and though I hope it turns out as you want I fear it perhaps was just a class for him.
    Take it slow ask him out for lunch or dinner and then ask him frankly if he's involved.
    You won't waste your time or his and you'll get to feel him out too.
    Maybe he'll want to practice some of the lessons again with you which could be nice.
    Good luck sweety!
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
    #18 B_cigarbabe, Nov 25, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  19. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Sounds like you both are saying the odds aren't in my favor. Perhaps they're not. I know I'm not a great catch in many ways. I also know I am a great catch in a few ways. There have to be some men out there who are as attracted to me as I am to them. How will I find one if I don't try? 0-4 would be a shitty record, but not as pitiful as 0-3 :biggrin1:.

    Maybe I need some more hard knocks to make me tougher, not set expectations so high. I really don't know. At one time I considered just marrying any woman I could find just so I wouldn't be alone and then play on the side. Then I saw how sad and bitter some of the guys are who do that and I decided it would be better to be alone than to be dishonest. I'm not a dishonest person anyway. I can't lie worth shit and when I do, the guilt just tears at me. That's why I think jumping now, while I can and the interest is new, is best. If I let it get out of hand by waffling and imagining things, then any rejection will be far more difficult to handle. Anyway, like I said, he's a cool guy and if I make a new friend then I'm a richer person for it and my interest in him will wane.
     
  20. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Or wait... do you guys think I'm not ready yet for a relationship?
     
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