How do you ask your (potentially) closeted friend if they are interested in hooking up?

[dreamer20]

I suspect my friend is closeted & have a crush on him. How do I tell him I'm attracted to him? When we go for a hug it feels like going for a kiss, but we shy away from it. Were there potential for something to happen I’d welcome that.

For starters, instead of aborted kisses, at hugging time, I'd give him the greenlight to kiss by stating "Don't stop, it's OK for us to kiss." Then see if he kissed me, or not. I wouldn't expect anything more than just mutual affection at best. If he is in the closet, you'll have to wait on him to come out - if ever he does.

 

[18wheeler]

As the closeted party…. I wish someone would ask…

But I 100% understand the subtle problems this could create in the friendship.

 

[ariesgeorge]

Younger dudes are more open to admit same-sex attraction. I've noticed this a lot in the past 5 years or more.

I refuse to be open about my sexuality. It's too complicated, and frankly, it's no one's business but my own.

If someone wants to share their sexuality, that's fine by me. But don't expect others do it.

Be careful when approaching some man on his sexuality, even a friend: it could lead to violence. You really have to suss out the situation. In some cases, you might not a get a definite answer, but rather an ambiguous one. It might be met with laughter, or embarrassment. You just never know.

If someone asks me, I would say: "I only watch lesbian porn."

What exactly prevents you from coming out?

 

[BIGBULL29]

What exactly prevents you from coming out?

First of all, I'm not 100% gay. I have a very complicated sexuality. Too difficult to explain. I'm not going around and saying I'm "bi".

Second, there are societal consequences to telling people your sexuality: discrimination, misunderstandings, etc.

Third, it's just no one's business what I like to do sexually.

Peace.

 

[Dmz726]

thank you all for replying and having open conversation about this! It’s very helpful to not be in my head about it all the time.
So back to the mentor/mentee business…he usually contacts me for advice or help with school. Now that he’s graduated, he’s asks about work. It feels a little transactional and that he isn’t interested, but when we FaceTime his eyes light up and gets a cute smirk when I pop up on his screen. I really don’t know anymore lol

I wish we lived in the same state still so I can have 1-on-1 in person interaction to make my move! I really feel like I can’t do it through the phone because it’s already so hard to read how he feels and if I say something and he might be interested it would just be harder to tell.

Might have mentioned before but we will likely see each other in November. It’s just a longggggg time from now and I’m a little impatient lol

 

[Dmz726]

November is a month away! I can’t believe it. I’m going to have a chance to flirt in person and see what happens. After many months of contemplating I’ve decided that if things get awkward and that ends the friendship, im ok with that.
This friendship is weird as it is and the thought of hooking up with him keeps me from really investing in people I date. So I’m going to go for it and if he rejects me and it all goes to shit, I will be fine lol

 

[eridim]

Go for the no. As Chris Voss said. You can build from there. When people say no it doesn't usually mean "I don't want this". It's "Im not ready for this". You can then navigate if it's one or the other by having a conversation about it. But going for the no at least opens the conversation. If you go for the yes, chances are if you get rejected you'll think your friendship is ruined. And people aren't prepared to say yes right away. So they reject as a defense mechanism.

Outside of psychology and behavior, now that you're living away, I'd tell him half jokingly and as a prelude to a lighter conversation about some mundane topic "it's funny, you know I had a big crush on you when we first met, you're a nice guy". Then go about the mundane topic to remove weight from the conversation. It gives him the option to address your comment or laugh it off and talk about the mundane topic. But it leaves the idea in his mind and he'll bring it up when he's ready to go for the yes. You've had time to process your emotions and how you feel about him and the courage to tell him. You don't know if he's had that opportunity too, but now you've opened the door for him to bring it up more comfortably when he feels prepared.

 

[Dmz726]

Ok everyone. The time to try and fuck this guy came and went lol

We spent the weekend at this conference and it was fun. He sat close to me multiple times during the speakers, followed me everywhere, and one late night, it even felt like we would kiss as we lingered outside of his hotel.
I told him “out of all the guys here you’re probably the only one I think is hot” and chuckled.
He looked at me and said “uhhhh ok…I would never EVER fuck you.” Very stone faced. Then kind of laughed and quickly changed the topic.
Gotta say…it was obviously expected but it really did hurt my feelings. I’m older than he is and know I’m not the most attracted but that was really mean. He could have said it in a more playful way but it was obvious that he meant it. I laughed it off and moved on after.
When we hugged goodbye the final time he did the puppy eyes things to me that would normally make me think he’s into me but this time I realized he is just a lonely guy with limited friends and none that actually care about him. I felt sad for him and glad i could be a friend to gime. I’m happy I sort of tried and now I can be done with these stupid sexual feelings towards him. It’s not worth the hassle when so many out gay attractive people exist in the world.

If anyone finds this post and is going through something similar…take it from me and don’t bother. Try and move on! Don’t waste your time with potential closet case or speculations of such or trying to fuck a friend. Go out and meet some new people and live your life in reality. Hopefully I will from now on lol

 

[eridim]

It was absolutely the right thing to try, even if your got your feelings hurt. Now you can start healing and move on. It's better to have tried. And as said, you've now planted the seed in his mind. It will certainly stay with him. If it grows and gives you fruits, even better. But at least it's off of your chest.

 

[atlas23]

It was absolutely the right thing to try, even if your got your feelings hurt. Now you can start healing and move on. It's better to have tried. And as said, you've now planted the seed in his mind. It will certainly stay with him. If it grows and gives you fruits, even better. But at least it's off of your chest.

Exactly! Now you know. It’s time to move on. Props for putting yourself out there and trying something out.

 

[ariesgeorge]

Ok everyone. The time to try and fuck this guy came and went lol

We spent the weekend at this conference and it was fun. He sat close to me multiple times during the speakers, followed me everywhere, and one late night, it even felt like we would kiss as we lingered outside of his hotel.
I told him “out of all the guys here you’re probably the only one I think is hot” and chuckled.
He looked at me and said “uhhhh ok…I would never EVER fuck you.” Very stone faced. Then kind of laughed and quickly changed the topic.
Gotta say…it was obviously expected but it really did hurt my feelings. I’m older than he is and know I’m not the most attracted but that was really mean. He could have said it in a more playful way but it was obvious that he meant it. I laughed it off and moved on after.
When we hugged goodbye the final time he did the puppy eyes things to me that would normally make me think he’s into me but this time I realized he is just a lonely guy with limited friends and none that actually care about him. I felt sad for him and glad i could be a friend to gime. I’m happy I sort of tried and now I can be done with these stupid sexual feelings towards him. It’s not worth the hassle when so many out gay attractive people exist in the world.

If anyone finds this post and is going through something similar…take it from me and don’t bother. Try and move on! Don’t waste your time with potential closet case or speculations of such or trying to fuck a friend. Go out and meet some new people and live your life in reality. Hopefully I will from now on lol

I would have been like 'So...you're a bottom?'