How do you attract the nice guys and repel the jerks/a-holes?

[MickeyLee]

my personality seems to work wonders at keeping all men away.

ML

i should maybe work on that?

 

[HazelGod]

my personality seems to work wonders at keeping all men away.

Hmmm...for some reason, I find this difficult to believe...

 

[Jovial]

Most men come on strong to me. I really don't have to try attracting them, in fact I take total responsibilty, I know how to say "no".

...or is it that you only notice the men that come on strong, so your perception is that most men come on strong. (Just something to think about)

 

[D_Hyacinth Harrytwat]

i've gained quite a bit of awareness on sexual abuse/incest from the book "secret survivors" by e. sue blume. there's a passage in there where she talks about how the broken are easily spotted by those who look for us b/c they know "survivors" (a term used for those who've been sexually abused) are insecure, looking for acceptance/approval, and will do all they can to get it. they know we're out to please, and i do not mean this as sexual only. they know that they can take whatever the hell they want.

I'm going to have to check out that book! I think the best thing you can do for yourself, as you already have, is identify what happened and try to learn as much about it as you can. Beyond that, it's a personal battle and there's no one out there going through the exact same thing.

I spent a lot of time on a livejournal "community" for the sexually abused, reading posts by others and talking with them. I found that more helpful than any other resources I tapped, but it was a little discouraging when so many of them were 10+ years after their initial assault and were still believing that there's no "cure".

What you said about it being more likely to happen again gets me curious. I know that it's statistically true, but if you can break the cycle, I think you have a better chance than anyone else to avoid that kind of situation again. You've already gone through it and know a lot more about sexual assault than 2/3 of women and... 7/8 of men? I forget the exact figure for them. Anyway, I think that with the knowledge and experience you have, you have a leg-up on any other difficulties you'll encounter in life (or I sure hope none are as hard as this to overcome).

 

[B_Big Dick Johnson]

i feel i'm one of the nice guys, but sometimes women over look that due to me not being fit. appearances aren't everything. that's my input

 

[nay-nay]

I'm going to have to check out that book! I think the best thing you can do for yourself, as you already have, is identify what happened and try to learn as much about it as you can. Beyond that, it's a personal battle and there's no one out there going through the exact same thing.

I spent a lot of time on a livejournal "community" for the sexually abused, reading posts by others and talking with them. I found that more helpful than any other resources I tapped, but it was a little discouraging when so many of them were 10+ years after their initial assault and were still believing that there's no "cure".

What you said about it being more likely to happen again gets me curious. I know that it's statistically true, but if you can break the cycle, I think you have a better chance than anyone else to avoid that kind of situation again. You've already gone through it and know a lot more about sexual assault than 2/3 of women and... 7/8 of men? I forget the exact figure for them. Anyway, I think that with the knowledge and experience you have, you have a leg-up on any other difficulties you'll encounter in life (or I sure hope none are as hard as this to overcome).

you really should! i read it and cried because for the longest time, i thought i was a little crazy in the head. its nice to know that its "normal" and i'm not the only one. there is SO much information in that book. i bought a used copy on amazon. there's even a checklist in the beginning of the book. signs a person could have been sexually abused, although it doesn't mean someone's been sexually abused for sure (the things on the list could be signs of other stuff too). what's crazy is that some people have been sexually abused and have no recollection of it. they have no clue until they start getting flashbacks or feeling paranoid of it. so the checklist is for those who are unsure (and you can also print it out and take it to your therapist/counselor for them to review and see what you need to work on). e. sue blume, the author, is an angel. i'm actually going to write her a thank you letter. i understand myself so much better. i plan on getting counseling. after reading the book, i'm sort've at the "what now?" point.

there's a support group online that i joined a while back. they even have chats where people can meet in and talk. i haven't went in the chatroom yet b/c i'm a little nervous. :redface: i've posted some, but nothing about what happened yet. i actually haven't signed on there in a while. you should check it out.

Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room

for some people, its a life-long battle. it depends on each person and their situation. it does not matter if someone was raped or touched, people react in different ways. someone who was "only" touched can be way more tramatized than some others who've been raped. every person is different.

i was one of those people who didn't believe there was a "cure" for it until i read that book about 5 or 6 months ago. its been 16 years since it happened. reading that book is the best thing i've ever done for myself. it took me months to pick it up and read it. i was scared i'd open a can of worms, but it wasn't so bad. after i read it, i realised i was scared for nothing. :smile: some of the stuff cracked me up because i'm like "that's why i do/say/think that? who woulda thought..." such as...when i'm at a restaurant sometimes, i'm sort've like a little kid who hides behind their mother. there are just days when i'm feeling so small that i have tell my mom what i want to order before the waitor/waitress gets there, and she has to order it for me b/c i can't bring myself to look at the waitor/waitress and order. its silly, really. lol. :redface:

 

[D_Hyacinth Harrytwat]

what's crazy is that some people have been sexually abused and have no recollection of it. they have no clue until they start getting flashbacks or feeling paranoid of it.

I definitely didn't remember the whole thing, but over about the next 4 years I had flashbacks that filled in the gaps. I did see a councellor once or twice (although, after I was better) and he explained that sometimes your brain goes into "survivor mode", like someone who was just in a traumatic car accident says they don't feel any pain. Your brain puts you in a "safe spot" until you're ready to realize what happened and deal with it. Stupid brain. Instead of getting me out of there physically, it got me out of there mentally.

I'll check out that site you posted, if not to learn a little more but to lend an ear and spread the word that there is hope :tongue: And that councellors really aren't that scary. I got paired up with a completely anonymous councellor through a program and as it turned out, he was a close family friend of one of my friend's, so I saw him every Christmas!! Haha. Oy.

Wow, 16 years? My cousin went about that long before really opening that "can of worms" too. And when you do, it's like the emotions were preserved perfectly and they just come out like it happened yesterday eh? Don't be shy about sharing your story even just on that site. It's like sharing your burden and it gets easier to carry if you give out a piece here or there.

I remember in my last year of high school, in a creative writing course, my teacher said that I wrote a lot of light and entertaining things but that just once, he'd like me to write something a little bit more deep and with more emotion. So I wrote a chronicle called "1 in 3" which was like an undelivered letter to the rapist with my scattered memories of the night and my questions to him. The teacher didn't have the guts to criticize it; instant A+!

And now to tie this all back into the original topic... With 1 in 3 women being sexual assault victims, it's no wonder we look for the jerks and a-holes. It's familiar ground to us, and people tend to stick with what's familiar. It's not at all about who finds you attractive, but it's more about the type that you subconsciously go for.

 

[Nala]

Nay-nay and super crayon, thanks for sharing. Your stories are very recognizable. :hug:

 

[D_Petherick_Poundlouder]

Speaking as one who has attracted her share of jerks and a-holes both online and in IRL. The problem is the men, they overestimate their worth on the dating market. Some guys really have no clue when a woman is out of their league.

I dont. Maybe I under-estimate...and fluctuate back to over-estimation. Either way, I have a feeling that I need to have sex with someone in your age bracket, and being as young as I am ---I dont know if I'm even fuckable in that league. They have money, careers, and I'm just a college student...

 

[Sexy_Noob]

i feel i'm one of the nice guys, but sometimes women over look that due to me not being fit. appearances aren't everything. that's my input

Totally agree with you. I'm not that good looking, but it's my personality that stands out and what makes me popular at school (well my big head also helped).

 

[javyn]

Who said they ever did try to attract nice guys and repel assholes? When it comes to attracting a man who will actually care about and treat a woman well, most women fail colossally. *shrug

Seems to me women will get pissed off as to how they are treated by the jerks, only to go punish the next man they see for it, which is usually a nice guy, since the jerk is long gone, having gotten what he wanted. In the meantime, the nice guy will start to realize that being nice really does make you finish last.

And as far as nj saying most men think they are worth more than they really are, I have to say the same goes with women. Sorry, but no matter how hot you are, there is more to it than that. Nothing is more unattractive than a conceited woman who thinks she is god's gift to mankind. And sorry, lol, but all the little "you go girl" type sassy tags you all put into your signatures and whatnot, are NOT unique, and NOT cute. In fact nothing is more trite and stupid than that sort of thing. Especially when it always says the same thing. If you all have THAT many stupid, loser men always messaging you, I'd have to say maybe that like attracts like, no?

 

[AlteredEgo]

What happened, Jayvin? Did you just get a harsh rejection or something?

When I was a more obvious female presence here (g-rated and pg-13 photos, checked "female" on my profile, feminine user name, flirted a lot more publicly with my favorite guys) I got tons of lame, unwanted, unsolicited messages. Usually along the lines of, "Ur hawtt! Plz shw me more of ur sezy tittiez!!!!11!!" or "u r 2 hot wanna c2c?" And then they don't help you. If you write back politely that you aren't interested they call you a bitch or a whore. If you ignore them they usually go away, but sometimes they don't, and if you ask them what made them choose you they don't write back which means you can't modify your own behavior based on feedback.

In fact, doesn't anyone remember what happened when NoStrings and Mercurial Bliss switched their genders?

Anyway, now I am rarely approached by horny idiots, because the only way to know I'm female is to read my posts, and horny idiots can't read (or write clearly).

 

[javyn]

Nope no rejection, just calling it like I see it. Granted, in internetville most people are morons and you'll get emails like that regardless. I get shit like that too and I'm male. I was speaking more along the lines of real life obviously.

 

[D_Petherick_Poundlouder]

Anyway, now I am rarely approached by horny idiots, because the only way to know I'm female is to read my posts, and horny idiots can't read (or write clearly).

im a horny idiot.

 

[D_Hyacinth Harrytwat]

Nay-nay and super crayon, thanks for sharing. Your stories are very recognizable. :hug:

*pounce & hug* I love hugs :biggrin1:.

Was that trite and "you go girl"? Meh. I don't care.

 

[nay-nay]

I definitely didn't remember the whole thing, but over about the next 4 years I had flashbacks that filled in the gaps. I did see a councellor once or twice (although, after I was better) and he explained that sometimes your brain goes into "survivor mode", like someone who was just in a traumatic car accident says they don't feel any pain. Your brain puts you in a "safe spot" until you're ready to realize what happened and deal with it. Stupid brain. Instead of getting me out of there physically, it got me out of there mentally.

I'll check out that site you posted, if not to learn a little more but to lend an ear and spread the word that there is hope :tongue: And that councellors really aren't that scary. I got paired up with a completely anonymous councellor through a program and as it turned out, he was a close family friend of one of my friend's, so I saw him every Christmas!! Haha. Oy.

Wow, 16 years? My cousin went about that long before really opening that "can of worms" too. And when you do, it's like the emotions were preserved perfectly and they just come out like it happened yesterday eh? Don't be shy about sharing your story even just on that site. It's like sharing your burden and it gets easier to carry if you give out a piece here or there.

I remember in my last year of high school, in a creative writing course, my teacher said that I wrote a lot of light and entertaining things but that just once, he'd like me to write something a little bit more deep and with more emotion. So I wrote a chronicle called "1 in 3" which was like an undelivered letter to the rapist with my scattered memories of the night and my questions to him. The teacher didn't have the guts to criticize it; instant A+!

And now to tie this all back into the original topic... With 1 in 3 women being sexual assault victims, it's no wonder we look for the jerks and a-holes. It's familiar ground to us, and people tend to stick with what's familiar. It's not at all about who finds you attractive, but it's more about the type that you subconsciously go for.

i guess for me, its sort of at the annoying/frustrating part where i'm not sure how to go about confronting it. there's stuff i don't remember. i only remember once, but i'm sure it happened more than once b/c the time i remember...there wasn't a confrontation. (my mom happened to be driving up the driveway and one of his own daughters was in the passenger seat and they BOTH saw it. and still, to this day, his daughter denies it and treats me like shit and so does her brother). like how dare we fucking turn him in for committing a crime.

i have been wondering if i should get hypnotised. it talks about that in the book. :wink: some survivors do this to remember. for me, the scariest part is not knowing everything. i also had to do an interview with some lady...had no clue it was being recorded. i was in one of those rooms where they could see me but i couldn't see in through my side of the window. i was PISSED OFF afterwards b/c we went into the control room and i saw the room i had just been in. i was mad b/c they had been watching and listening to me. i thought it was just me and her, and i was fine with it because the way she went about it was kinda sly and she made me feel comfortable, like she was my friend. we colored and drew pictures together. and then there was the whole "ok, with these two teddy bears...show me what he did to you." which i got A MILLION times at school and home already. up until i was like 17, i was scared of cops b/c they would constantly stop by the house and pull me out of class to talk about what happened and have me show them with dolls/stuffed animals what he did to me. it was very frustrating b/c i would think "i already showed you!" and of course, the vaginal exam which REALLY hurt! that was pretty tramatizing. but my point is that i don't remember a thing i said in that interview. i tried asking my mom what all i said...but she said they wouldn't even let my parents listen to it. well then my brother told me it was b/c DHS was trying to take me and my brothers away from our parents. which wasn't new either. there were so many times we almost got taken away from our parents, but we all knew that we had to lie and make everything seem great. i wish i could get a hold of that tape and listen to it. if it still exists. so i've been thinking of getting hypnotised. i want to know everything.

they say quite a few survivors start having flashbacks when they get counseling. its a sign that he or she is ready to work through it.

that's funny about your assignment. i also wrote something like that for a writing class and i got an A+ as well! lol.

that's a scary statistic, isn't it? and to think that a lot of them have no idea its even happened yet...

i can't wait for you to read the book. i could go on and on but i'd rather ya read the book. i don't want to spoil it! :wink::biggrin1:

 

[big_c]

Originally Posted by mylipswet


Most men come on strong to me. I really don't have to try attracting them, in fact I take total responsibilty, I know how to say "no".

...or is it that you only notice the men that come on strong, so your perception is that most men come on strong. (Just something to think about)

excellent point jovial. i do NOT come on strong and i don't agree with that speedseduction crapola. i consider myself of well above average intelligence and realize some of my social-skill shortcomings, yet my relationships that could be considered "more than friendship" relationships involved females looking beyond the males that seem to come on strong ("first impression") and such females who have been willing to do some further exploration into my personality and discover my ability to maintain a mutually interesting conversation.

i not only do not come on strong - i am actually borderline reclusive, i suppose - unless i have fallen in love - when all bets are off.

 

[B_mylipswet]

...or is it that you only notice the men that come on strong, so your perception is that most men come on strong. (Just something to think about)

I notice the ones that seem to be strong enough to handle me. I'm not always right.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Originally Posted by mylipswet


Most men come on strong to me. I really don't have to try attracting them, in fact I take total responsibilty, I know how to say "no".




excellent point jovial. i do NOT come on strong and i don't agree with that speedseduction crapola. i consider myself of well above average intelligence and realize some of my social-skill shortcomings, yet my relationships that could be considered "more than friendship" relationships involved females looking beyond the males that seem to come on strong ("first impression") and such females who have been willing to do some further exploration into my personality and discover my ability to maintain a mutually interesting conversation.

i not only do not come on strong - i am actually borderline reclusive, i suppose - unless i have fallen in love - when all bets are off.

That's the beauty of the internet, I'm able to know someone on a deeper level without all that physical pressure.

 

[B_cigarbabe]

Nope no rejection, just calling it like I see it. Granted, in internetville most people are morons and you'll get emails like that regardless. I get shit like that too and I'm male. I was speaking more along the lines of real life obviously.

Riiight!
I will believe that when I believe the best way to get rid of idiots is to ask them nicely...twenty times!
The best way to get rid of assholes is to tell them to go fuck themselves.
It will first of all identify them as assholes and hopefully give them a hint to "get lost".
C.B.:sasmokin: