How do you cope with an alcoholic friend or family member?

AlteredEgo

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Thank you all very much! I'm looking for any ideas or ways to present the reality of the situation to this person and make them understand. It's so stressful that it's starting to affect my mood. I can't take much more.



Thank you very much =) You're a sweet soul =)
Since the person is your parent, maybe it would help to ask them questions. Ask what they want for your life, and see how that compares to what you want for your life. Let them know all the positive things you are trying to do for yourself, and ask them if you have their support. Tell them you need them to be sober so that you do not have the constant worry and stress that detracts from your ability to reach the dreams they have for you and your own dreams. Maybe something along those lines?
 

Mr. Snakey

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Tough love. The truth of the matter is nothing can be done till they get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Till they hit their bottom. For some their bottom may be a divorce, D.U.I. e.t.c Sadly for some their bottom may be death.
 

helgaleena

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I have two stories to contribute. One is of my ex's family. His elder brother became alcoholic while he was a young man getting his first place, and it was hard for him to say to his brother, You are not welcome in my house because you and you buddies stay until you drink my bar dry. He moved across country twice to get away from alcoholic brother, and later an alcoholic sister with a gambling addiction as well. Tough love is equally tough on the one who must be tough. It turned him to stone in places which made it hard to open up to me as his wife, when it would have made all the difference.

My second story is about an aunt who comes from a family of doctors. She went to AA when her marriage to a tavern owner hit the skids, and told it to a local newspaper. The cocktail-loving brothers and sisters in the medical profession, pillars of the local Freemasons, didn't forgive her for decades, until she was remarried and had a cute infant to show them. Their 'social' drinking was not the issue-- the shame of calling herself 'alcoholic' in public was.

Love pulled the family back together and softened snobbery, once the person in question showed she was not just a label but a happy and successful person again.
 

FuzzyKen

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Sadly, in truth there is no such thing as coping with alcoholism. It is destructive to the individuals suffering from the condition or disease and it is even more destructive and damaging to those around them. The many years of alcoholism in fact shortened the lives of both birth parents as my bioligical father died of liver cancer, and it contributed to the death of my Mother and Stepfather. I have a "quasi-son" soon to be legally adopted because of an alcoholic birth Father, I have paid out thousands of dollars and will be paying an attorney to file litigation against an alcoholic who because of his alcoholism has cost me thousands of dollars more and caused damage to property I own in California. I lost a 3 year old second cousin when an alcoholic who had been "busted" for DWI in California six times left a bar in Riverside, California and driving on a suspended Driver's License launched a 3/4 ton Chevrolet Truck over a railroad grade crossing at such a high speed that it landed on top of the Toyota Corolla driven by my cousin. The top was peeled back and the baby was decapitated. Her mother was in the hospital in a coma for weeks and was not even able to attend the funeral of her daughter. It required 14 surgical procedures before that cousin could walk again. Her rehabilitation was over three years in duration. He had obviously no insurance and nothing to get as far as assets. I am very sorry, but, I have little to no patience for practicing alcoholics. It is a terrible thing that at one time or another is guaranteed to touch virtually everyone on some level.

There is no such thing as helping an alcoholic. Alcoholics by nature do not see their problem until sometimes it is far too late. They themselves must realize that they are the cause of their own problems. Sometimes they do and sometimes they do not. Depending on circumstances the only thing one can do to not get hurt is to place distance physical, emotional and financial between yourself and the individual if it is possible.

 

lafever

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You cannot save anyone, only guide them in the right direction. Like suggesting that they might have a problem.
Remember this always, an alcoholic will take you down mentally, physcially, and spiritually because that's where they're at.
You can carry the message but you cannot carry the drunk, they will take you down with them everytime.
It's called enabling, and what you're really doing is killing them softly as you slowly become their main source of income.
The next thing you know you're taking care of them like a child, and they will run with it, acting more and more like a child everyday.
If you don't have the strength at this point to seperate, then chances are that an ambulance and the police are next.
The best thing you can do is leave them to their own devices.
I would not suggest AA, as it is my experience that if they are not ready they will just find someone else who doesn't want to be there and end up with a new drinking buddy.
When or if ever they are ready to stop they will go to an AA meeting on their own accord, that's the importance of Anonymity.
You don't reqruit drunks to get sobber, they find it themselves because they're sick and tired of being sick and tired.
That's when the fog clears and they're ready to listen and get help.
Until then you're just pissing in the wind.
Most of all this will be painfull for you to watch, just stick your guns. It'll be hard but you'll have to learn to love them from a distance, this gives them a chance to burn all bridges.
Once they have no where else to turn then they are forced to take a look at themselves, this is when miracles happen.
They have a sobering moment and they seek help on their own.
Good luck, tough love is a dish served cold.
 

Catharsis

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My family has a bad history related to alcohol, but unless you want a somewhat irrelevant family history I won't go into that. I've had some bad experiences with what I remember as a young kid, but I don't remember everything in full detail.

My step-dad is a pretty alcoholic, and his liver is pretty much ruined from his entire life of drinking. One beer and he's all set for the night. What makes it worse is that's not a "happy drunk", he's one of those "angry drunks". When he was laid off from work, it was worse than ever and I would take every opportunity I could to go to my dad's house. My step-dad was never abusive, but he had no idea what he was saying and he was a completely different person. He was just an asshole, to put it nicely. He would forget everything the next morning, as if nothing had happened the previous day, so he refused the need for help.

He doesn't drink as often, any more, but occasionally he usually starts slipping out insults left and right as if they were water running through his fingers. My mom and I have no idea what to do since he refuses help. It's almost like we have to look into recording a home video throughout the day and make him watch it the next morning.
 

helgaleena

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My family has a bad history related to alcohol, but unless you want a somewhat irrelevant family history I won't go into that. I've had some bad experiences with what I remember as a young kid, but I don't remember everything in full detail.

My step-dad is a pretty alcoholic, and his liver is pretty much ruined from his entire life of drinking. One beer and he's all set for the night. What makes it worse is that's not a "happy drunk", he's one of those "angry drunks". When he was laid off from work, it was worse than ever and I would take every opportunity I could to go to my dad's house. My step-dad was never abusive, but he had no idea what he was saying and he was a completely different person. He was just an asshole, to put it nicely. He would forget everything the next morning, as if nothing had happened the previous day, so he refused the need for help.

He doesn't drink as often, any more, but occasionally he usually starts slipping out insults left and right as if they were water running through his fingers. My mom and I have no idea what to do since he refuses help. It's almost like we have to look into recording a home video throughout the day and make him watch it the next morning.

Catharses, it sounds a lot like he is developing a blood sugar problem. My diabetic in-laws would sometimes fly off the handle for no reason and become abusive toward someone they mistrusted anyway, and have very little memory of it the next time their sugars were under control. He needs blood tests, a full array, without labeling it with the alcoholism stigma right off.

You and your mom get him to your family practitioner asap.
 

houtx48

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Be positive. I've found that a lot of great movies revolve around alcoholic main characters (Leaving Las Vegas, Crazy Heart), and a lot of the most interesting people were alcoholics at one point in their life (Craig Ferguson, George W. Bush).
Roflao.....you said W. Bush was an interesting man.
 

coachreffn

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Yes, Dante, it is very difficult when it is a parent. I think that is the most difficult of all. Please look to Al-Anon for assistance and support for yourself even before seeking assistance for your parent. And know that you are supported by the many people in your life - those you see face to face and those whom you know only through this media. There are good people who will listen and support you. All the best.