How do you deal with a partner "who just doesn't like sex as much as you"?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by galaxus, Jul 13, 2011.

  1. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    I have this problem with my partner right now.

    I LOVE sex

    She likes sex

    We both LOVE sex with each other, and when it happens the sex is usually great. I make her squirt, her legs shake, her skin tingle and she makes me cum so hard that my mind shuts down and I get so weak that I can't move. But she just doesn't like sex in general as much as I do and therefore we don't have it as often as I like. I don't understand why this happens.

    We have sex just about everynight. But when we have sex, its not the "Hey babe, come fuck the shit out of me" type of sex. 80% of the time, its the, "Ready for bed? OK" *she smiles* *awkward silence* and then one of us asks, "so can we have sex?" type of sex.

    This makes me feel like i'm a pervert. Like some type of deviant. It makes me feel like somethings wrong with me because she doesn't share what I share. I don't think I'm dangerously hyper-sexual. I'm just a young guy who likes to have sex with my partner. Sometimes I like it kinky (the weirdest thing I like to do is to lick her ass, but I don't think that too weird) and sometimes I like it really romantic. But I always want to feel like my partners wants to fuck me. And when the relationship first started, she did! We fucked like crazy. But now, it feels like she doesn't feel that way. And that makes me feel unsexy and that I'm mentally ill for wanting sex way more than she does.

    Now I do understand that we're busier than we used to be and that's a legitimate reason for why we don't have sex like we used to do. I really do understand that. But I wish she felt that desire, that ambition, and even that frustration that I feel. But she doesn't. She just doesn't mind it. She cares that its affecting me like this..... but she doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

    It's not that I ask for everything to be perfect, but its no where near close as I think it should be. I just want to feel sexy to her. Sexy enough to make her want fuck me with no questions asked.... to jones for me like I jones for her.

    I know that is a lil bit of an unrealistic request, but I know that a lil bit more effort from her would go a really long way.
     
  2. poultrygeist

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    My ex wife and I were that way. I wanted sex more often and she wanted it less. Before we got married we had sex probably 3 or 4 times a week. But almost immediately after we got married she would only want it probably once a month or less. Then 2 years later it was once every so often or only on special occasions. When we got divorced we had not had sex in almost a year. And we had only been married for about 4 years. She was never really in the mood when I'd ask. She only asked me for sex maybe half a dozen times and if for any reason I was tired or couldn't, she'd start crying and take it like rejection. It was a strange relationship.

    I got remarried a few years later and my wife and I both love sex and it's still 3 or 4 times a week. So we're both on the same page and that's a real blessing.

    I feel where you're coming from man. It's almost the same situation as men who are dating or married to women who have a difficult time getting orgasms. But in her case, there's natural stuff she can take to boost her sex drive, if she wants to.
     
  3. RawDog

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    I'm going to feel like scum for saying this, but I'll say it anyway.

    Relationships are like two porcupines trying to sleep. From the cold, they need each other's body heat to keep warm, but the quills can prick, so they can't get too close. Oftentimes they can find a happy medium between distance and closeness, sometimes one porcupine just needs more heat than the other.

    Stray.

    Stray, but not too far. Stray far enough for her to realize she's taking you for granted, but not far enough to lose her. Especially, do not stray so far as to get too close to another.

    I've tried all the relationship communication/counselling/sensitive nice guy approaches. People need to feel like they need to work to maintain what they have. Walk around like the book (I'll write someday) says: Men are from Mars, Women Want My Penis.
     
    #3 RawDog, Jul 13, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2011
  4. dolfette

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    her lack of rampant desire is as valid as your rampant desire.

    she's meeting you halfway by having sex every night when she does not actively desire sex every night. that's a bigger compromise than i'd make.

    women often have higher drives at the beginning. that's normal. don't ask me why but that just seems to be how a lot of women tick. we crave you like mad at first, but then it mellows. lots of men get that too. i think it's a hormonal reaction to a new love. an evolved trick to get each other hooked.

    you can't base your ego and your happiness on her sex drive. if your attractiveness increased her sex drive would not.

    you're not a pervert for having a high drive.
    she's not faulty for having a... ok, it's not low. it's quite a normal drive. it's just not as high as you want it to be.

    so you feel like a dawg,
    and she feels like she's inadequate for your desires.
    that sucks!

    you need to talk about this in therapy. you can't rely on sex to support your self esteem. you have to assume that neither of your drives are going to change. you've just got to adjust your mind set to cope with that.
     
  5. dolfette

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    i'll add...

    you want her to leap on you for sex?
    but you have sex every day, so she's already getting more than she wants. that's why she has no rampant desire for more.

    if you stop having sex with her for a week, just tease and flirt, she might leap on you. because she might have actually reached the point where she needs more sex than she's getting.
    ...but could you live without sex that long?

    it's not about her not wanting, appreciating, loving or desiring you. it's just mismatched drives.

    do you leap on a meal when you're already full up? or do you leap on a meal when you're hungry from not eating for too long?
     
  6. John.Heath

    John.Heath New Member

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    I certainly don't think the OP is sex crazy by any means... I would say most normal guys in their 20s and 30s could have sex pretty much everyday and be OK with it... I know I could and I'm 38.

    My wife and I have vastly different sex drives and it causes serious problems. So from my standpoint, the OP doesn't have a problem at all. Try being with a partner that doesn't want sex at all when you want it all the time... that is a problem.

    Talk with your gf about it and maybe she feels the same... but don't ever feel bad for wanting what comes naturally.
     
  7. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Thanks everybody.

    Dolfette, my fiance liked your post. Thanks for that.
     
  8. dolfette

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    you're welcome.
    and good luck.
     
  9. D_Percy_Prettywillie

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    Being homosexual I don't know that what I'm about to say will be of much benefit to you but I'll say it anyway in the hopes that it is.

    Essentially every guy I've ever dated has been you and I have been your partner. They loved sex where as I only kinda like it. For most of them it wasn't that big of a deal (as I've been extremely busy since I graduated middle school and the long hours, constant stress, ever changing deadlines, and new goal posts make my lack of energy for sex fairly easy to understand for anybody that spends much time with me.) But... even Jack Bauer finds time for sex so why can't I?


    That was the attitude a few of them had and I will say this; it weighed on me as much as it did on them. While they were thinking "He's just not as into me as he was when we first met," I was worried that by not forcing myself to have sex with them more often, I was extending an invitation to cheat on me or worse, just dump me over it altogether.

    I never had that conversation (The "Hey, I still think you're sexy and hot, but that was hour number 122 of combined school/work work and I'm too tired to get hard and call you big Papa right now" conversation) until after the relationships were over.

    So... if I had any advice? It would be to communicate as openly as possible about it.




    JSZ
     
  10. helgaleena

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    I think what the galaxus needs is more flattery. A few flirtatious words of love during the day to day would keep him more secure.

    I have been called on this, by male partners more often than females believe it or not-- that I am 'not romantic enough'! My way of expressing love is to see to comforts more than send lacy valentines, so it's true. But asking for what you need is always good, galaxus, and I think it is not all about the sex in your case.
     
  11. Gecko4lif

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    Get better at sex
     
  12. dolfette

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    you don't know much about women.
     
  13. oralslut464

    oralslut464 New Member

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    I am 49 and my wife is 52 and we have not had sex in 3 years. She had back surgery and then neck surgery ( which did not take and is still broken with no recovery in site) and any kind of sex hurts her so much. If she gets on top - she hurts, on bottom - hurts - there is just no way for us to have sex without her hurting and being down in bed for 2 to 3 days afterwards. I don't want to hurt her - so we just don't have sex. She wont do oral either - I've asked.
    Since then , I have resorted to other guys for sex. I have a couple of married men in town I hook up with who have the same problem so we take care of each other and really enjoy it. No oone knows except us and that is it.
     
  14. Gecko4lif

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    The joke obviously escaped you
     
  15. dolfette

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    i pondered the possibility that i may be a joke.
    but since it wasn't actually amusing...
     
  16. cocktailweenie

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    Why don't you take up watching porn. She will probably be relieved she won't be called upon so much. Just call me Dr.Phil.
     
  17. Gecko4lif

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    I also pondered the possibility that you may be a joke :rolleyes:
     
  18. dolfette

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    i make me laugh.
     
  19. Gecko4lif

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    Laughing at your own jokes is considered bad taste. Dont see why, I do it all the time.
     
  20. D_Phishwicke Phluffer

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    i've been on both sides. most of the time it wasn't permanent. sometimes you don't want it for a while, sometimes you want it all the time. don't get stressed out - putting pressure on it can make it worse.

    that said, can't hurt to talk about it in a nonconfrontational way. you might find something out. i was with a guy once who we'd always lay down in bed as if we were going to sleep for 10 minutes before he wanted to have sex. by the time i had closed my eyes for 10 minutes, all i wanted was sleep. once we figured that out, we were good to go.
     
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