How do you deal with a partner "who just doesn't like sex as much as you"?

LaFemme

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I always have the opposite problem - I want sex more than my male partners want it. I could easily have it every day and all day at least one day on the weekend. My libido hasn't changed since my early 20's. Except for one relationship, I've always been the one who wants the sex. I think that men with low libidos are far more common (not at LPSG, I think) than one might think. Or does a woman who really, really likes sex inhibit a man? It's not like I stalk them.....
 

B_subgirrl

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I always have the opposite problem - I want sex more than my male partners want it. I could easily have it every day and all day at least one day on the weekend. My libido hasn't changed since my early 20's. Except for one relationship, I've always been the one who wants the sex. I think that men with low libidos are far more common (not at LPSG, I think) than one might think. Or does a woman who really, really likes sex inhibit a man? It's not like I stalk them.....

I've always had the same problem. Several guys have actually said they find my sex drive scary.
 

justacynic

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her lack of rampant desire is as valid as your rampant desire.

she's meeting you halfway by having sex every night when she does not actively desire sex every night. that's a bigger compromise than i'd make.

women often have higher drives at the beginning. that's normal. don't ask me why but that just seems to be how a lot of women tick. we crave you like mad at first, but then it mellows. lots of men get that too. i think it's a hormonal reaction to a new love. an evolved trick to get each other hooked.

you can't base your ego and your happiness on her sex drive. if your attractiveness increased her sex drive would not.

you're not a pervert for having a high drive.
she's not faulty for having a... ok, it's not low. it's quite a normal drive. it's just not as high as you want it to be.

so you feel like a dawg,
and she feels like she's inadequate for your desires.
that sucks!

you need to talk about this in therapy. you can't rely on sex to support your self esteem. you have to assume that neither of your drives are going to change. you've just got to adjust your mind set to cope with that.

My cynical response to the OP would be, "good luck with that." My more empathetic response is to pay attention to Dolfette since she is likely dead on correct. Moreover, you need to let her (your gf, not Dolfette) know how the sex and your perception of it makes you feel. This is difficult as most men are not shown how to express themselves in this way and certainly not with regard to sex. However, given that telepathy is not a typical skill, neither of you can figure this out without having a chat. This is relationship communication, something we all (in America leastways) are supposed to learn to do through osmosis or something.

As a slight indulgence to myself, I will add that it *is* a tad ridiculous that you would feel like a perv for wanting sex every day/night. You are 23. Kinda normal there. And, unless there is something you did not disclose, she is not calling you one.
 

Upperdown

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I have this problem with my partner right now.

I LOVE sex

She likes sex

We both LOVE sex with each other, and when it happens the sex is usually great. I make her squirt, her legs shake, her skin tingle and she makes me cum so hard that my mind shuts down and I get so weak that I can't move. But she just doesn't like sex in general as much as I do and therefore we don't have it as often as I like. I don't understand why this happens.

We have sex just about everynight. But when we have sex, its not the "Hey babe, come fuck the shit out of me" type of sex. 80% of the time, its the, "Ready for bed? OK" *she smiles* *awkward silence* and then one of us asks, "so can we have sex?" type of sex.

This makes me feel like i'm a pervert. Like some type of deviant. It makes me feel like somethings wrong with me because she doesn't share what I share. I don't think I'm dangerously hyper-sexual. I'm just a young guy who likes to have sex with my partner. Sometimes I like it kinky (the weirdest thing I like to do is to lick her ass, but I don't think that too weird) and sometimes I like it really romantic. But I always want to feel like my partners wants to fuck me. And when the relationship first started, she did! We fucked like crazy. But now, it feels like she doesn't feel that way. And that makes me feel unsexy and that I'm mentally ill for wanting sex way more than she does.

Now I do understand that we're busier than we used to be and that's a legitimate reason for why we don't have sex like we used to do. I really do understand that. But I wish she felt that desire, that ambition, and even that frustration that I feel. But she doesn't. She just doesn't mind it. She cares that its affecting me like this..... but she doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

It's not that I ask for everything to be perfect, but its no where near close as I think it should be. I just want to feel sexy to her. Sexy enough to make her want fuck me with no questions asked.... to jones for me like I jones for her.

I know that is a lil bit of an unrealistic request, but I know that a lil bit more effort from her would go a really long way.

I'm no psychic but there is a cliff coming. Women will put out till the second they feel secure, then they will stop. Some will completely stop, others will use sex as a bargaining chip, and others will use it to abuse/control you; but almost all women stop.

You're 23! Dump her! Leave her sitting there wondering why she didn't just give you the crazy-animal sex you wanted. 23 was a hard age, but there are lots of women out there that will be interested (think Freshman/Sophmores).

There is no where but down from here. She won't magically have the desire return, or start initiating. In fact, the more committment you give her the less sex you'll get.

Dolfette couldn't be more wrong. If her opening position was: sex all the time, then she needs to understand that you were sold on that, not on what she will be in 20 years. Further, she has no right to make you feel unwanted, or undesirable. I can only imagine how she would react if you made her feel that way. Women are notorious for thinking men don't deserve emotions, but you do! Find a girl that makes you feel good.

The fact that you are posting on a big dick website for advice from complete strangers should set off alarm bells.
 

Enigmuhh

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I'm no psychic but there is a cliff coming. Women will put out till the second they feel secure, then they will stop. Some will completely stop, others will use sex as a bargaining chip, and others will use it to abuse/control you; but almost all women stop.

You're 23! Dump her! Leave her sitting there wondering why she didn't just give you the crazy-animal sex you wanted. 23 was a hard age, but there are lots of women out there that will be interested (think Freshman/Sophmores).

There is no where but down from here. She won't magically have the desire return, or start initiating. In fact, the more committment you give her the less sex you'll get.

Dolfette couldn't be more wrong. If her opening position was: sex all the time, then she needs to understand that you were sold on that, not on what she will be in 20 years. Further, she has no right to make you feel unwanted, or undesirable. I can only imagine how she would react if you made her feel that way. Women are notorious for thinking men don't deserve emotions, but you do! Find a girl that makes you feel good.

The fact that you are posting on a big dick website for advice from complete strangers should set off alarm bells.

Well, if he was looking for an answer from a big dick...
 

dolfette

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i cannot for the life of me imagine why any woman would stop having sex with upperdown. it's a complete mystery! :smile:
 

Thirdlegproduction

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I would have to go with Dolfette on teasing the gf to the point she will jump you any chance she gets, but that involves a lot of foreplay like smelling, kissing and biting untill the point she breaks down and then you reject her and go to sleep.

By then it isn't just being aroused but also an ego thing as in "who the hell does he think he is rejecting me like that"

I think the main goal should just be to have fun and the sex will follow.
 

dolfette

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I would have to go with Dolfette on teasing the gf to the point she will jump you any chance she gets, but that involves a lot of foreplay like smelling, kissing and biting untill the point she breaks down and then you reject her and go to sleep.

By then it isn't just being aroused but also an ego thing as in "who the hell does he think he is rejecting me like that"

I think the main goal should just be to have fun and the sex will follow.
i think that manipulation is a bad thing in a relationship.
the ego stuff, the rejecting to prove a point, etc.
good relationships are based on honesty, respect and fun.

but you're right about the teasing, the nibbling and then smiling and walking away. making her wonder what the game is, being playful and returning the fun to their sex life.
 

dolfette

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I don't mind manipulation as long as the intent is sincere and you are open about it.

But yeah I think we have found the problem and the sollution.
Also I think age plays a big factor in this story.
so the OP should ignore all these other clowns and listen to us, because we're the smart kids :wink:
 

poultrygeist

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I would love to hear how this story eventually plays out. Effective communication, hard work, patience and compromise is going to be the key for figuring out this issue. From my experience, it's how couples resolve differences that determines relationship success ultimately. Almost everyone can have fun together when things are going great, but great couples who work to tackle relationship problems effectively is both rare and critical. Ultimately there's going to be some sort of compromise. I just don't see any upside in the relationship to pressure her further.
 

Enigmuhh

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I'm no psychic but there is a cliff coming. Women will put out till the second they feel secure, then they will stop. Some will completely stop, others will use sex as a bargaining chip, and others will use it to abuse/control you; but almost all women stop.

You're 23! Dump her! Leave her sitting there wondering why she didn't just give you the crazy-animal sex you wanted. 23 was a hard age, but there are lots of women out there that will be interested (think Freshman/Sophmores).

There is no where but down from here. She won't magically have the desire return, or start initiating. In fact, the more committment you give her the less sex you'll get.

Dolfette couldn't be more wrong. If her opening position was: sex all the time, then she needs to understand that you were sold on that, not on what she will be in 20 years. Further, she has no right to make you feel unwanted, or undesirable. I can only imagine how she would react if you made her feel that way. Women are notorious for thinking men don't deserve emotions, but you do! Find a girl that makes you feel good.

The fact that you are posting on a big dick website for advice from complete strangers should set off alarm bells.

How mature of you
 

FuzzyKen

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I have this problem with my partner right now.

I LOVE sex

She likes sex

We both LOVE sex with each other, and when it happens the sex is usually great. I make her squirt, her legs shake, her skin tingle and she makes me cum so hard that my mind shuts down and I get so weak that I can't move. But she just doesn't like sex in general as much as I do and therefore we don't have it as often as I like. I don't understand why this happens.

We have sex just about everynight. But when we have sex, its not the "Hey babe, come fuck the shit out of me" type of sex. 80% of the time, its the, "Ready for bed? OK" *she smiles* *awkward silence* and then one of us asks, "so can we have sex?" type of sex.

This makes me feel like i'm a pervert. Like some type of deviant. It makes me feel like somethings wrong with me because she doesn't share what I share. I don't think I'm dangerously hyper-sexual. I'm just a young guy who likes to have sex with my partner. Sometimes I like it kinky (the weirdest thing I like to do is to lick her ass, but I don't think that too weird) and sometimes I like it really romantic. But I always want to feel like my partners wants to fuck me. And when the relationship first started, she did! We fucked like crazy. But now, it feels like she doesn't feel that way. And that makes me feel unsexy and that I'm mentally ill for wanting sex way more than she does.

Now I do understand that we're busier than we used to be and that's a legitimate reason for why we don't have sex like we used to do. I really do understand that. But I wish she felt that desire, that ambition, and even that frustration that I feel. But she doesn't. She just doesn't mind it. She cares that its affecting me like this..... but she doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

It's not that I ask for everything to be perfect, but its no where near close as I think it should be. I just want to feel sexy to her. Sexy enough to make her want fuck me with no questions asked.... to jones for me like I jones for her.

I know that is a lil bit of an unrealistic request, but I know that a lil bit more effort from her would go a really long way.

Relationships especially ones of duration are no different and orientation of the partners is not a factor. The issues relate to the dynamics of the situations, pressure you are both under from work and a tough economy and level of fatigue.

In my own case I find great relief and relaxation in sex. It relieves stress in me but this is only partially the case for my partner, sometimes it does and sometimes it does not. Right now we are with this economy and the constraints it makes struggling to keep our heads above water financially.

You need to look very carefully at the dynamics and all parts of the lives of you together and independently. If you're under pressure are you a guy who can use sex to relax? Is your partner similar or different?

Some people are also just shy about sex in general.

Does the relationship work on all other levels? If it does time will be the best judge of what happens.

Good Luck
 

ZGuy32

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Talk to her about it is the best thing to do and let her know your thoughts. Women expect us to be mind readers and we're not. We cant to the same to them. :) Besides if she really loves you she will talk with you and find some middle ground. good luck.